“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.” – Tom Robbins
In the beginning I thought it was all about love. That amazing feeling you get when you are with the person who makes you feel like no one ever has. That spark when you just hold hands, the smile you exchange when you look at each other, the pleasure you get for doing something for that other person. But of course, while new love is about those things, real love can’t be sustained without much much more. But what is for sure is there is no perfect lover and no such thing as perfect love.
Back when I married my husband I though our love could be sustained even though he wasn’t much of a lover. It helped that I had been a virgin, actually we both had. I imagined we would learn to be good, if not perfect lovers together. But that didn’t really happen. Instead he went elsewhere for the sex. I recognised early on I had been in love with the wedding rather than him. But by then it was too late.
Not in the sense that bad stuff happened. It didn’t. I knew he loved me but he was something of a weak person who was easily led. He was also a very very good liar. I wanted to believe him and for a long time I did.
Later of course when he was exposed for what he was. Untrustworthy, a serial liar* and beholden to another while proclaiming undying love to me. Worst of all he wasn’t even a good lover, even after he’d been with an experienced much older woman. * He was even lying about who he was with then.
Looking back I wonder why I put up with it all for so long. But as I’ve written many times here, it was a safer existence than the one I perceived outside of the relationship. I imagined no one else would want me. Worried that I couldn’t manage without his financial and other support. But since I made most of the decisions anyway, almost single handedly brought up our son for many years and ended up paying the majority of the bills. I see now I was wrong.
Not perfect but much closer
I went looking for a lover rather than love. As I approached 50 I felt the need to explore what sex was really about. I haven’t been disappointed.
With S it was definitely about sex (for him more than me even). But also it gave me the opportunity to explore kink and D/s. I did start to fall for him, but luckily (in hindsight) his attitude towards our relationship prevented a broken heart.
By the time I met Master I was actually looking to explore my submissive side and to experiences more of what BDSM had to offer. I found that but also an extremely good lover. Then of course we both fell in love and so have it all.
It isn’t perfect, but who or what relationship ever is. Writing this gives me cause to reflect on the quote though. My experience is that it is possible to experience great sex without the need for it to be a great love affair. The opposite is also true. Love can sustain you even if your partner (or you, or both) aren’t great lovers. But self love can only take you so far. Take it from me, sex toys and the occasional semi satisfying romp on the bed or sofa can’t replace a considerate lover. One who often puts your pleasure before their own. In the end however I am glad to have both the lover and the love.
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