The second Obscene Ideas workbook was released on Friday. This one focuses on self reflection. I’ve decided to strike before the ink on it is dry and start a new series of posts using the workbook in chronological order. My focus of self reflection will be to explore myself and our relationship broadly in terms of BDSM and specifically my submission. This feels timely as BDSM has always been integral to our relationship to a greater of lesser degree. It is a relationship that has changed and developed, one where we have learned so much. But also one where we have often drifted along. We have been together for 7 years next month, so it feels timely to do this right now. As we approach that anniversary.
It is easy, when you write about similar topics a lot over a period of time, to gloss over how things change. Age, living arrangements, other relationships, work have all influenced our approach to our dynamic. But also to the way we see ourselves and each other. In many ways I am the same person I was back in 2014, but I am also different. I want to explore those differences here over the coming weeks and probably months.
Day 1 – How do you define yourself?
I define myself as a submissive woman. But not just any submissive, rather as Master’s slave. This hasn’t changed since the beginning of our relationship. The need to submit to him seems to come from within me. Though to be frank, it isn’t something that I accept and embrace all of the time. Often I really struggle to be the person I actually know I am.
This is partly due to learned behaviours and also personality. I’ve written a lot about my marriage and how circumstances within that meant that I needed to be more dominant than I really wanted to be. I am seen as someone who is strong and who just copes with any problem that comes their way. At the same time my personality traits mean I am extrovert, someone who often speaks before properly engaging their brain. Over time I have become more reflective, rather than continuously thinking on their feet. Experience and time have taught me a lot. But also I have had to learn to let go. To allow another to take the lead and to provide control. In theory this is easy, in reality it isn’t always.
I’m hoping this series of posts that encourage greater self reflection will help me to focus down on myself as Master’s slave. He has expressed the desire for me to demonstrate my submission more explicitly towards him. I would really like to do this, not just in the bedroom or during play, which is where it is most evident. But in our everyday life.
One of the most important things for an owned slave is to remember that they are owned by their Master. As such I am his property and extension of him. In reality though of course he sees me as a separate person too, as do I. But perhaps there is a conflict for me when it comes to those two positions. This is something I will explore in more detail as we go along.