Bearing a grudge

“An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind…” – Mahatma Gandhi

I am not one to bear a grudge, much less try to exact revenge. The trouble is far too many people do just that. Fail to listen, make judgements and then cut you out of their lives. Or worse try to get back at you. For me, life is too short. I don’t have to be your friend after you feel I’ve wronged you, but I feel sad that you can’t put that perceived slight behind you.

Trust

I guess there are levels of wrongdoing and thankfully the worst done to me has been a serious abuse of trust. By my ex husband and then really by S the man I was in a relationship straight after my husband. The adultery did cause me to carry the hurt my husband did to me around for a long time. In the end I did to him what he had done to me and it didn’t feel good. So, having said I don’t bear grudges, makes me realise I once did.It got me no where and caused more heartache for us both than was truly needed. Thankfully my relationship with the father of my child is pretty ok. In that I tolerate our time together and don’t dislike him in the way I did during the final throws of our marriage. I have definitely learned from the experience.

With S I let it go immediately, or almost. A recent conversation with him showed me I’d had a lucky escape. He is single again and I was struck that the conversation might have been opportunistic. Am I still with G? Am I still happy? Yes thanks S! But I bear him no grudge and my revenge is that I am happy in my life and own skin.

Over time friends and acquaintances have dropped me. Some drifted away, others stopped returning calls or emails etc. due to some slight that is often unknown. I feel sad about some of them, but know that these kind of relationships can be transient. This has been the story of my life, something that has happened quite a bit over my nearly 60 years. At times I’ve wondered if it is me? Perhaps I don’t put enough effort in. Perhaps I sit on the fence too much? Or else choose the wrong option for them.

Intolerance

This year in the blogging community much mud has been slung and people including me have been hurt. Of course my injured pride is nothing to those mis gendered and in other ways abused. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t felt the loss. Taking sides became the thing and once that happened relationships became untenable. Sad to say, I’ve mourned their loss. But more than that, I’ve been upset that attempts to get people to listen and learn have fallen on very deaf ears. Often they bear a grudge for my actions when I would be happy to continue our relationship if they were open to change. Time to move on then and forge new friendships and relationships.

The older I get the more tolerant I seem to be to difference. Maybe it’s because I am always willing to learn, but also because I want to see the best in people. I am tired of confrontation, which is interesting since at one time I was pretty confrontational myself. Now I want a happy and peaceful life. Trouble is intolerance, bigotry and failure to learn from mistakes is rife.

Some lessons in life are difficult to manage. 2020 has been a big one for those!