Relationships come in all shapes and sizes and can often be complex things. They are based on knowledge, trust and understanding and by nature they are transactional. Add a power exchange into the mix and it becomes important that both parties know the rules. That is to understand what that means to both parties rather than some element of ritual or other. It is true that a D/s relationship can be about service to the dominant. Or it can be something that takes place in a club or during designated scenes. Something that begins and ends during defined time periods after which the two players go their own way. But time and experience has taught me that without love a D/s relationship can’t work for me.
At the beginning of time (or this blog) I had just started a relationship that I thought was a power exchange. In the early days we both got off on the fact he issued orders (often from afar) and I was only too glad to comply. The sex, once we got together was very hot and there were elements of BDSM ever present. But over time he made clear that he wouldn’t ever love me, nor was there a long term future for us. Just out of a long marriage, I wanted what he said to be untrue. Looking back I should have left the relationship there, because we definitely weren’t on the same page. It took being dumped twice to come to my senses.
We were pretty clear at the beginning that this wasn’t going to be about love. But would be about fulfilling both our needs to play, have sex and a bit of fun. I quickly became his submissive and he my dominant. We set ourselves boundaries and were committed to something time limited until I was ready to move on and he brought his primary slave over from the US.
Things turned out very differently. We fell in love for a start. After my previous experience I tried to contain myself for fear of being hurt. Eventually though we had to state our feelings because they were very real. That’s not to say there weren’t challenging periods while we worked things out. Once we committed our selves to a loving relationship our power exchange didn’t end but over time it has definitely changed.
When I became his slave I already knew I loved Master and would do everything I could to make him happy. That by serving him I could make myself happy. But that isn’t everything, because I needed taking care of and he does that in a way my ex husband was unable and S was unwilling to do. Our M/s is a constant in our lives, though not overt outside of the bedroom these days. Our relationship could probably survive if the M/s element ended, but without love it would quickly die.