Unlearning the habits of a lifetime

So many things to unlearn

The Other Me

This blog pretty much catalogues my attempts, over the past 8 years to unlearn habits that formed over a lifetime. I’m pretty much a people pleaser and I hate conflict. This led me to take on responsibilities for things I would have been better to leave to others. I don’t mean at work but at home, with family and my ex.

I’d like to say that having embarked on this relationship and leaving many of the decisions to Master I am a completely reformed character. But that wouldn’t be completely true. While I’m better at putting us and me first rather than everyone else, I still have a habit of trying to organise people. This most recently happened over the weekend after my birthday. I decided it would be nice if a few of us visited my mum and shared a meal in the garden. In the end I got myself worked up because my niece decided to go the following day instead. Plus, my brother’s partner didn’t show up because of my mum’s previous shit stirring habits.

As I type this, I see how trivial it all is. But also I see that I still try to be everything to everyone and get upset when things don’t quite go to plan. But actually people don’t need organising my me and other than getting my son and daughter in law over to meet with us and my mum I should have left it at that.

This is huge learning for me, because I have a bad habit of doing the same kind of thing at Christmas time. This year, with meeting restrictions likely to be in place I already see I have to step back. Master and I have already discussed the events from last Christmas, which resulted in me feeling angry and sad. I am not going to repeat them.

I have left the country for a month and the world hasn’t collapsed (well not the bit relating to family). My mum is happily phoning me and resects my right to have a break. No one expects the things that I seem to expect of myself. So why do I expect them of myself?

Especially as I can see that in so many other ways my behaviour is different. I enjoy life with Master but don’t attempt to mother him. Something that I probably did with my ex, while complaining he expected it.

I guess in the end it all comes down to personality and to learned behaviours. The latter being sure as hell harder to unlearn than they were to learn. But having said that, I don’t think I’ve done such a bad job.

3 Replies to “Unlearning the habits of a lifetime”

  1. I do this all the blody time and in the end, I am the only one who sufferes while everyone else around seems to be happy out! My OH is always pulling me on it because I let, well I used to let my family do this to me all the time.

    It is hard to break to the habit though! x

  2. I can relate to this.. and to the taking care of the DH… So many things there… how we are SUPPOSED to take care of our men… etc. When I decided not to manage my partner’s life, it was occasionally hard to see them “making mistakes” but everything was always fine… it is a huge lesson I am still learning! Thanks for sharing this with us.

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