How much control does the submissive have?

Many people say that it is the submissive that has all the power and control in a D/s relationship. After all, the decision to enter the relationship and to agree to comply to certain rules is made by the submissive. Or is it? I can only speak from my own limited experience and these are my own thoughts on the subject.

Beginning a D/s relationship

At the beginning of any relationship both parties are feeling their way. Testing each other out and building trust. A power exchange relationship is no different. A big part of getting to know each other takes place through a discussion of experiences and limits, as well as actually testing these out. At this stage, the power balance should really be pretty even.

Of course, it depends what you are looking for. I know that when I met Master I was definitely looking for a D/s relationship where I could give up control. But even I was surprised by the speed at which I was prepared to do so. I was in control of those decisions and we discussed what was involved. Probably control of orgasms was one of the first and that has remained the case. He owns them, but of course I do have the ability to regain control, since the orgasms emanate from my body. But more of that later.

Over a period of some months I relinquished more and more control over my every day actions as well as what happened in the play or bed room. I’ve noticed in books about power exchange, submissives are often expected to sign a detailed contract very early on. This is usually something drawn up by the dominant, commented on by the submissive and then signed by both parties.

Real life, for me anyway isn’t like that.

A contract

The decision for us to have something written down was something we made together. It also coincided with the first visible sign that Master had become my owner. The items contained in the contract were all things that had already been discussed and put in place. I suggested one or two changes plus an additional rule. Part of the contract specified what he should be doing for me, which seems only right.

Of course this has no basis in law or anything else. It’s just an agreement between two consenting adults. As I’ve mentioned punishment isn’t a big thing for us, mind you I’m not the biggest rule breaker in the world either. So it’s all pretty much down to trust and compliance and I’m pretty compliant to be honest.

But if he decided to punish me, then I think I’ve probably agreed to that too.

Over time, we’ve moved away from the contract, though it exists and has been expanded. The biggest change was when I told him I’d like to give up my limits.

Limits

The biggest thing I’ve done to signify giving away control of my limits. There have never been very many limits anyway quite a few have been gently (or not so gently) pushed over the years. My only real hard limit (apart from the usual illegal, age play and scat related ones) is medical and nursing stuff. I won’t do anything that demeans my profession, including dressing up as a nurse for sex.

There’s really little else I’d object to and trust in this relationship is absolute, so I have no problem with Master saying he wants try something and going ahead with it without asking me first. Though to be fair to him, that rarely happens.

Who has the power and the control?

The answer to that is that both of us do. The dynamic of our relationship means that his dominance is both a written and unwritten. In most things I am happy to defer and where I’m not we discuss things. Ultimately he makes many of the decisions, thought not financial or family ones. If I decided this wasn’t the kind of relationship either of us wanted any more, I’m not sure that would be the end for us. Because we now have a history behind us and our relationship is built on more than the dynamic. But anyway I see no reason that I would want to end the power exchange element. It has made me feel free and happy and I know just how complete it makes him feel.

This post is linked to No True Way, please click below to see who else is joining in this week.

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