From the darkness to the light

Photo by Guillaume Bleyer on Unsplash

Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.

Brene Brown

There are so many ways that starting this blog has helped me explore myself more closely and see the positives from some very negative situations. I think that’s why I am clear that whatever I do in the future, I won’t give it up.

Over the past eight years there have been some dark days. Ones where I have struggled to understand how I got to that place. I’m the kind of person who loves to plan, but then who is disappointed by the outcome. I like to organise and to please. Trouble is, that in the end it isn’t what others wanted. Or else they aren’t in a place to do the things I feel I want to. Maybe that’s why I spent so much of my life feeling frustrated and unfulfilled. And even though relationship wise things are good and positive I am still struggling in other ways.

Family

My expectations of myself seem to be much greater than the ones others have of me. This played out at the weekend when I arranged a small gathering at my mums to celebrate her birthday. One by one, family members pulled out until there were just a few of us left. As it was, the afternoon was very pleasant and may have been spoiled by more people. I had a lightbulb moment that I should stop trying to organise others. Instead I should concentrate on myself and those closest to me. In a way mum’s (and my birthday) was a good excuse to see my son and daughter in law who did turn up.

The events of the past few years have at times driven a wedge between my relationship with my only child. But things have definitely improved over the past couple of years. I think it helps that I am clearly living where and with who I am, rather than remaining in what was the family home.

My mum continues to drain my energy with her selfishness, but I am learning to keep her at arms length much more. To try not to let her get to me. The big test will come this Christmas, because I am going to have to be firm to avoid a repeat of last year.

Us

Every time I think that we are drifting away from the kink and the M/s side of things, stuff happens that changes my mind. This last weekend helped that. We have so much time together and so can easily get into a rut. A change of scenery definitely helped.

Going back to the beginning of this post though. This blog is evidence of the ways in which I and we have come through difficult times and emerged stronger than before. Learning to do what is best for us and balancing the needs of others will always be a challenge. But others aren’t rushing to do the same for me, so I think I’m heading in the right direction here. Plus we have lots of good stuff to look forward to. I’m starting to believe we will get away to France and if we have to quarantine after we return. Well so be it, we can shop online and stay home. Goodness knows we’ve done enough saying in this year already.