Where the power lies

“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.” 

~ Oscar Wilde

In this post or semi lockdown world we are struggling in many ways. Not in terms of our overall relationship, all is well there. But in terms of M/s. Most of the time I don’t feel particularly submissive or slave like and I don’t think he is feeling particularly dominant.

We have been released from the confines of our home and local area. But mostly there are few places we want to go. Theatres and music venues are clothed and they are the places that Master gets his inspiration and thrills. Reading, listening to music or theatre from the comfort of your home is ok. But it isn’t the same. We usually go into London frequently for this kind of cultural input, but there’s no point going when there is little to do there.

We can visit open spaces, but the weather last week was appalling. At the weekend we were both pretty stir crazy but lethargic at the same time. We haven’t had sex in a couple of weeks. I want to but we both lack whatever it takes to get us off.

But that doesn’t mean that we won’t get back to where we want and need to be. We’ve discussed it and are hoping that our holiday in a few weeks (supposed we manage to go) will help. Warm weather, a change of scene and the ability to feel in some way free again are what we need. We hope.

Our sex life is all about power. His over me. I know that to feel my submission these days I need us to be having sex or else I need to be bent over being spanked or hit with one of his wicked implements. This feels like a chicken and egg situation because I think that’s probably what he needs too. To feel his power, Master needs to conjure up the willpower for sex. Or perhaps I need to fall to my knees and offer to suck his cock. Whichever we are both struggling to feel like making it happen.

I’m not good at initiating sex, nor am I good at saying what I want. I am better at writing about it, knowing he will read. We’ve just spent two days apart, as I write this I am in a hotel with a view of the sea. It’s early, so I expect he is sleeping. Later though, we will be back together and I’d like to think that we will both feel his power and my submission soon.

Self doubt

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“And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self doubt.”

Sylvia Plaith

I never used to have anything in my draft folder. Suddenly though I do. The thing is, I have stuff to say, some of it quite profound but somehow I can’t get the words right. Or I fear I have the words wrong. Increasingly I feel silenced by self doubt.

I constantly think back to pre-lockdown times when, it seems the world was young, bright and non judgemental. Of course it was never like that, but this past few months have made it seem so.

Blogging and Twitter

The community of sex bloggers has changed, just as the world outside has changed. Rather than be kind, understanding and tolerant to difference people have become defensive and intolerant. I’ve been blocked by so many people on Twitter I can hardly keep up. People talk of a conspiracy but do so while whispering to each other in the dark. This is not a world I can inhabit. I have to speak my mind and have to stand up for people I feel and who say they have been mocked and hurt.

There are huge issues to write about. But it is difficult to do so when you have a limited amount of knowledge of the topics. All you can do is learn about the issues and support those with that knowledge. Though I’d like to write something. In particular I’d like to express that making the issue about you rather than them is no defence.

All the time though, I feel I am walking on egg shells. Will I say or write something that is misconstrued. Will I like something said by someone on a list of unsafe people? All of these things swirl in my head as I try to write.

Life

But it isn’t just twitter or the blog. The judging of others is everywhere, take the wearing of masks or going out for an evening. I have no problem wearing a mask in a shop, but do not wish to wear one while walking in the park. I see no point and I want to breath the fresh air and don’t however see I should be judged for this. We have been out for drinks and a meal at a local pub. We chose carefully, we know the staff and are happy with the way things are managed. It’s table service and no one is getting close to anyone, but please don’t judge me for choosing to go there.

Next week I am taking my mum away to a hotel for a couple of days. She has become housebound over the months because it was unsafe to go out and there was no where to take her. She has brittle bones and needs to get out in the sun light. But going to a hotel feels to many like a risk too far. She asked to go but is now filled with her own self doubts. Will she manage to navigate the hotel, what should she take to wear etc.

Health

We have been thinking about my breast cancer recently and what would have happened if I had discovered my lump during this pandemic. As it was I prioritised work and moving house over seeing the doctor. How would I have managed attending appointments and even having surgery without the support of Master? It doesn’t bear thinking about. But what is clear to me is that I have over come cancer and so refuse to give in to worry. I want to and have to live my life in the way I see fit. That doesn’t mean taking unnecessary risks but it doesn’t mean hiding away either.

The way forward through writing

At the beginning I just wrote what I wanted, about what I wanted. I need to get back to that again. Some of the self doubt I had about this is moving away. I recognise that I have written about many topics a lot. I don’t plan to keep doing that. Instead I’m going to signpost my existing writing more effectively. Time has been spent learning about topics I knew little about. But there are also things I know quite a bit about and I need to express them here. There is knowledge to impart and education to provide. Plus of course I have an opinion on many things.

I also see that much of the feelings I’ve been expressing are associated with it being summer. Also, though because I’ve been in mourning. For lost friends (not literally), for a life put on hold during these long months.

Unusually we are off on holiday in September. I fancy that even though we’ll be away there will be more to write about. Anyway I can write about anything I choose. Just because this is a sex blog doesn’t mean I have to write about sex. But then I might.

Back

Yes, this is a picture of my back, and bottom etc. I’m not sure when it was taken but I quite like the shape of my body in the image.

I’ve been reflecting this week on my blogging future and have found that just by writing about what is troubling me, I feel more positive. It’s weird, because that’s the advice I’d give to anyone when faced with an issue. Talk (or in this case write) about it.

I didn’t actually go anywhere and have no intention of doing so. But I do feel like the real me is back. I have some plans for the blog and that will involve a redesign and change of emphasis. It will also probably mean I’ll write less new stuff for a while. Because it is actually impossible to write, read, make changes and think all at the same time. I know because I’ve tried and it made me particularly unproductive!

I have no intention of changing one thing though: I plan to keep sharing my photos and participating in memes like Sinful Sunday. Click the lips to see who else is linked up this week.

What inspires me to write about sex?

Writing cat | Public domain vectors

By it’s very nature reading and writing about sex can be both liberating and exciting. That if the sex being written about is interesting and exciting. For many years there was no mileage in writing about my own sex life. It was dull, bordering on non existent. But as I wrote in my last post, starting a new sexual journey made me want to write about my experiences.

Writing about real life experiences

It took me a while to get into my stride. I was overwhelmed by the emotion of it all and so struggled to write down details. I still do to a certain extent. But at least with real life experiences you know what has and hasn’t been possible (see below). Plus, the emotion of a sexual experience is just as important as the physical and physiological effects in my opinion. Unless you are writing pure porn I guess. But I’m more of an erotica lover. Plus I prefer to ground myself in reality rather than fantasy.

Once I met Master things changed slightly. Unlike S, Master reads all my posts and will often go back to review what I said about a particular event. So, increasingly writing had him in mind. I couldn’t and can’t always get events in the right order, after all I’m not writing as I do it! But he often remarks at how hot what I’ve written is.

So, the next reason is to get the audience hot. After all, who doesn’t like to be told that what they have written is sexually arousing. If you are a sex blogger anyway.

Improving on some of the fiction that’s out there

There is some amazing erotic fiction to read. Plus all of the how to manuals. But there is also some absolute rubbish. Some people seem unable to work through questions such as is it physically possible before putting pen to paper. The use of odd euphemisms in erotic fiction is something that The Other Livvy has picked up on. There is little that turns me off more than being unable to describe people’s anatomy and actions without using completely unbelievable phraseology.

So, one of the inspirations for writing about sex, whether based on real life events or fiction is to do better. After language, plot and characters feels pretty important. Why are so many books based on the lives of super rich men seeking to find a young bimbo to be their sex toy? Why are there so many young girls out there who crave submission? Who moments later can be found kneeling naked for their boss or tied to a bench? Of course there is plenty of gay erotica, but I don’t doubt that these dynamics are replicated.

I’m nearly 58 years old and I want to read about people who are older. Who have been through some of life’s problems and who don’t think that money is the answer to everything. Many of my fellow bloggers write brilliant erotica as well as about their own true life events. Good printed / e-book erotica is out there but you can do far worse than some of that written by the sex bloggers and writers we know. People like Brigit Delaney, Cara Theron and Floss, to name but 3.

Education

Finally I write about sex to help educate others. As I’ve written above, real life isn’t always like in books and magazines. We aren’t all young and skinny with a crazy libido. Not all penis owners have huge cocks. People experience pain and discomfort, people fund themselves unable to come. Not everyone loves to suck cock or to have anal sex. What’s more, it’s possible for a well educated woman of 50 to have little in the way of sexual experience.

That means it’s important to write about real sex and relationships. To explore and celebrate the great experiences, but not to ignore the bad or difficult.

I guess following on from my post yesterday wondering where I am going on my blog. Maybe this post is another step to finding out who I am and what my purpose is. Writing about sex for me is about detailing my own experiences, thinking about the experiences of others and hopefully helping to educate.

Finding myself

“Who are you?
Are you in touch with all of your darkest fantasies?
Have you created a life for yourself where you can experience them?
I have. I am fucking crazy.
But I am free.”
― Lana Del Rey

I started this blog when I was at the beginning of a journey. Funnily enough at the beginning I didn’t know if it would lead anywhere, nor where that place would be.

I didn’t wake up one day and think: I know what, I’ll become a sex blogger. But as someone with limited sexual experience at the age of 50, writing about my newfound experiences seemed to be worthwhile. What’s more, I am glad I did. Especially the times when I’ve written about my hopes and fears, my feelings. Even though I don’t dwell on past relationships, documenting them here has meant I have the opportunity to look back to see where I’ve come from.

Now though, I think I am there. I have arrived at the place, the life I wanted. I am living my own fantasy. Plus, for all I live in a 24/7 M/s relationship I am free of the invisible ties that seemed to keep me in an unhappy place for so long. In April I was at last divorced and so a process that began 30 years ago came to fruition. I knew a long time ago I had made a mistake in choosing my husband, but I stayed and saw the relationship through to its bitter end.

I saw my ex yesterday, I collected a letter from him. We stood outside our former marital home for 10 minutes or so. It was enough. I don’t miss much about the home and certainly nothing about my life with him. We had good times and have a son to show for our long marriage. But I’ve learned more in the past 8 years about sex and relationships than I did in the rest of my adult life.

This life, master and I have together isn’t perfect. Who’s is? I’m struggling a bit with my submission. some days I don’t think I want our relationship to be a power exchange. But then when I think things through I know that I need it. I rebel and push against it, but it keeps me safe. It stops me having to worry about making decisions. I worry that I don’t feel as aroused as I want to be (medication causes that I think). But I also know that once we touch, kiss or have sex I am me again. A sexual being, that craves the dominance he provides me with. He makes me feel fulfilled and free to be myself.

I’m at a crossroads here. I love my blog but am tired of it too. I want to write, but often can’t. It feels like time for a change in direction, but I don’t know what that means or where it might take me. There will definitely be a rebrand in the coming weeks, I’ve started to think about how the blog might look. What I’m less sure of is the content.

Thanks to LSBs meme Quote Quest and Lana Del Rey’s beautiful lyrics in her haunting song Ride for the inspiration for this post. Maybe using more quotes to inspire is the way forward?

All submissives should have a safeword and be prepared to use it.

Not just submissives, but anyone engaging in BDSM or kink related play and / or sex. As I wrote in this post last year I’ve had a safeword in both of my D/s and M/s relationships. I believe they are an important aspect of relationships or situations where a power exchange takes or place. Or where restraint is applied and where sensory deprivation (such as blindfolding or gagging) are used. Safety of both parties is paramount, with particular emphasis on the person at the receiving end of the action.

Negotiations

I’ve never played casually with anyone, but if I did setting boundaries and negotiating what would take place would be vital. I’m pretty sure I would be prepared to use my safeword if necessary but would be sure that safeword wouldn’t be NO. During a scene it is easy to feel a little overwhelmed and ask for things to stop when you really don’t want them to. On the other hand, losing touch with reality can prevent you from using your safe word when you should. So, the Dominant partner should be prepared to stop even if the submissive hasn’t asked to.

In my two dominant / submissive relationships, boundaries and limits have evolved over time. This relationship has lasted over 6 years and we know each other well.

Giving up my limits

As Master’s slave I took the decision to give my limits to him. He knows the few things I identified at the start and I trust that he isn’t going to break them. What I haven’t given up is the right to a safeword. I know he would never ask me to.

However I haven’t actually called red. I have said amber and I have asked for a break. There have been times when things that shouldn’t hurt have. He knows me and is very good at identifying when he should stop if that happens. Master is also a good judge of when to push my pain threshold and when I’ve had enough.

What if a Dominant thinks that a true submissive would never use a safeword?

My advice to anyone who had been told that would be to steer clear of that dominant. They are not worthy of the submissives submission to them.

It is never ok for a dominant to tell a submissive they can’t and shouldn’t use a safeword. Plus it is not true that they are not a true submissive if they use one. That lives in the realms of fiction and poor fiction at that.

Click below to see who else is participating in this week’s No True Way.

Fear and Trust

This week is Sinful Sunday prompt weak, but I just don’t have anything movie related to share. So, I’ve decided to show an unseen photo and combine it with this week’s Quote Quest prompt.

Standing naked infront of a mirror. The image is black and white and was taken at a dungeon.

“Right on the edge of fear was where trust could grow.”

― Cherise Sinclair

There’s no doubt I’ve come a long way since I started this blog. There is no way I would have posted naked photos of myself online 8 years ago. Nor would I have posted my face on this blog. But somewhere along the line I began to trust myself and my audience with images like this. The fear that I would be found and outed receded and my confidence in my own body grew.

It helped of course to be with a man who loves to photograph me at my most vulnerable. He started to show images of me on his Tumblr blog (usually without my face back then) and would put them amongst other photos of what turned him on. This was a big thing for me. Because many of those other women were slimmer or younger than me. But here Master was, telling me and the world that I was as (if not more) appealing to him as them.

Since my mastectomy my confidence has taken a knock. It might seem that I am happy with my naked body, but I do prefer my old one. However I believe it is right to show myself as I am now. To promote body positivity for people like me who are now disfigured. To show that there is life after a diagnosis of breast cancer. But mostly to show that it is still possible to be a sexual human being loved and desired.

In this photo though, I am hiding myself a little. The position of my hands and phone mean that you have to look carefully to see I only have one boob. I wonder why I took the photo in this way. I was feeling happy and proud that morning, the photo is one of several I took in March in the Hoxton Dungeon. So, there’s no reason to hide. It does give a hint though as to the way I live my life now. I could go out without a bra on, but it feels weird and I am fearful people would notice.

I want nice lingerie but it’s difficult to find, I want bras from the Knicker Fairy. But I am not sure they are suitable, so I am going to try one or more which have pockets for people to add more padding. You see, even if you can see that what’s inside the bra is false it might still make me feel good. I want to show myself with pride and to feel good in the process. Watch this space for the end results.