I deliberately decided not to post Every Damn Day in June (that is not every day). But didn’t mean to leave gaps of 3 days. Hence a post today even though there’s already been a Sinful Sunday. But this week has been strange.
For a start I imagined I’d be doing the contract tracing work. I never imagined that things would be so unorganised that I would spend 16 hours twiddling my thumbs and still get paid for it. I know this seems immoral, but as someone who is owed untold hours by the state I don’t. However I do feel sad that I haven’t had the opportunity to call someone up and ask them to stay home. Most of the people I know do anyway, but clearly some people are out.
Death and destruction
I’ve tried to keep my head down. I hate confrontation and I hate violence more. The death of George Floyd was horrific and I know the right thing to do is to speak up and to protest. But I felt shell shocked and so said nothing, which is wrong. But it wasn’t till Friday (2 days ago) I watched any of the footage. This wasn’t intentional but for some reason the BBC decided it was ok to show footage at 18.45. I walked into my mum’s living room to lay the table and saw it. I was horrified and shocked. Even though I had read about his awful death I was truly shocked. My immediate thought was that children could easily have seen it too.
I am worried about people protesting, I can’t deny it. The brutality of police (mainly in America) and the worry that it will cause a further Covid spike are real. Having hidden away for days, I recognised the need to appear and speak up. But what to say? I admire people for coming out and protesting. But worry that they could pay the ultimate price for doing so.
I am visiting mum because I feel I must. Having not been out for 3 months she has no idea of the world around her. Instead the news is her source of information. She lives in a bubble where the real world feels scary and she does’t quite believe what real people say. My elder brother and I are pretty sure she is in the early stages of Dementia, helped along by a prolonged period of self isolation. She craves attention and then lashes out at us when we are there. Meanwhile my younger brother is taking large quantities of money from her.
We have to make this stop. In the next few weeks we will have a family conference to try to manage the situation. I am beyond sad that two of us spend our time trying to help her and the third is busy selling her his time.
We should have set off for Spain this week. Right now I should be sitting in a tapas bar in Seville! But instead we wonder when we can travel again.
I am actually determined to get down to France before the end of Summer. I can contact trace from there if necessary as I have a good internet connection. But only time will tell. I was pleased to see the market, bars and restaurants are now open. We just need our own rate to fall and our politicians to stop being complete jerks (if possible).
My libido is definitely returning. I’m feeling I might be able to write part 2 of The retreat next week. We’ve had some very good sex too which I must write about. I want to think too about how to get my submission back on track. We’ll need to work on it I know as it really has been a bit absent for months. But I know I still want to be his slave and that he wants and needs that.
So this has been my strange week. Let’s see what next week brings!