For the first time in forever I didn’t post a Sinful Sunday image. Not because I didn’t have one, but because I just couldn’t be bothered. I was offered the opportunity to join our Smutlancer productiveness group for a Zoom call yesterday afternoon, I turned that down too. Instead I decided some of my never ending needlepoint (4 years and counting). This is a new feeling for me. I am not feeling my blog in a way I’ve not felt it before. So, I’m here to write about it. Otherwise it might be another week or 3 before I look in here again.
Some thoughts about the reasons for my lack of blogging mojo are as follows:
Life is getting me down
I know life mid pandemic is getting lots of us down. Plus, my life is in many ways the same as it was before so I have little to moan about. I’m getting sex, possibly more than my libido demands, though my submissive side has gone a little AWOL. This isn’t a real issue, I’m sure given the right circumstances I’ll find it pretty damn quick. But really the never ending nature of this situation is getting me down.
At the beginning I decided that planning and setting about achieving my to do list was the way to get through. I wrote, went for my walk often aimlessly looking at the closed shops in town and got on with painting the hallway. I had an idea I’d paint the kitchen next, once we decluttered the living room and my new blinds arrived. The factory making the blinds closed the same week as the recycling centre did. Ok, I thought I’ll persevere through a few weeks of lockdown and then pick up my projects. So I blogged, walked and kept up my Duolingo French. Even as my chances of going there to practice this year began to slip away.
Numerous weeks later I find myself struggling to want to do anything at all. I don’t always go out to walk even in good weather and have lost my resolve not to drink wine midweek. Plus, I really don’t feel much like writing about a world that I don’t know when (or if) will return. Even erotica feels a fantasy too far.
I blogged so much in February, March and April it’s no wonder my blogging mojo has gone
Struggling to write in May and June is not unusual for me. My pattern of blogging tends to be the same. Lots of effort in January (new year, new planner), Photography in February, An urge to write after the photography in March and then April A-Z.
Plus I started a new blog about food, fitness and health and immediately found my desire to write on it disappear. I’ve had to prioritise writing here because it’s more established and I have invested much more in it. The effort of running two sites is much higher than I imagined it to be. Even with little else to do in my life. The end result has been not writing for either. Then there are the memes.
Some memes are now tainted
Every week I used to use Rebel’s SoSS post to list out my writing plan for the week (or longer given those that are biweekly and monthly). But one of the fallouts from the gender identity / misgendering shit storm was that I lost and was blocked by twitter ‘friends’. This made it easy to not write for their memes. I really don’t want to judge them for their mistakes as others are much better at that than me. I know members of the trans blogging community would rather we didn’t support blogs and memes belonging to those who have misgendered them or liked posts that did. But I just can’t be that simplistic in my approach to blogging.
I don’t want to upset anyone but I want to be free to choose what I write about and where I link it. I want people to get on, but at the same time won’t tolerate bigotry, unkindness and intolerance. Over the past few weeks I’ve spent time trying to learn more about the issues raised by the trans blogging community and I hope others will do the same. I only ever write on a topic that speaks to me, or link more generally if I want to. But I don’t want to feel wrong for doing so any more than I want this to be the only reason for boycotting. I know plenty of people don’t agree with me, but this is what feels right for me. In the future that may change as new memes appear on the scene and I find my place within them. I also understand that sitting on the fence is not an option, in the end I may well make a different decision on this.
Usually at this time of year we are planning to go on holiday, we should have been leaving for France and Spain in a couple of weeks. Knowing this wasn’t going to happen I volunteered to join the nursing workforce and go back to work. For various reasons I received training for the role assigned to me but never got to do any actual work. The good thing is that this meant that the local Covid situation was settling. But it made me feel without purpose. My mood sank and I struggled for motivation for the most simple of tasks.
Thankfully a new opportunity has arisen and I am about to start in a contact tracing role. This work is from home and so safer. It will also be vital to getting this country moving again. I’ll be speaking on the phone to confirmed cases and their contacts. Advising their health, advising them on how to prevent spread and what they might need to tell others. Not being able to see people and hold their hand is an alien thing for a nurse, but hopefully it will be worthwhile and fulfilling.
I’m not going to be able to write about work, but I hope that with a new purpose I’ll feel freer to write about sex, relationships, kink and everything else.
Interestingly for someone unable to write, this post is over 1000 words. Go me!