My world and therefore life has become smaller of late. Manly revolving around what happens here in my own home environment. A place the two of us inhabit. The world outside us and our bubble is something of an unknown quantity. We see people pass by, but we don’t really interact with them. I communicate with family by phone or text plus the occasional visit to my mum. Otherwise it’s just us. Well not quite. If this pandemic had happened even 10 or 15 years ago, it would have been easy to shut off from the outside world. Even though we had internet and some social media it wasn’t as it is today. The world encroaches at every turn.
There’s a switch, I hear you say. One that turns it off. Trouble is, that doesn’t prevent my brain from working over time. A couple of weeks ago I would anxiously look at my phone for news of illness and death if I woke in the night. And closing your eyes doesn’t make it go away, events of the previous day seem to dance around your brain.
Life is a category on my blog that tends to cover off any event that feels it is just about how things are right now. Especially moments where decisions are made or changes happen. Stuff that is outside of my control and often involving conflict.
I’m not good with conflict, I avoid it at all costs. This means I often sit on the fence until I fall on one side or the other. Trying to please everyone and ending up being the one who crashes and burns. I’ve talked before about decision making. I can make decisions, but have come to prefer them made for me. I want to see good in all and everyone, but know that people aren’t often as they seem. So deciding who and what to believe in these situations is challenging.
Master doesn’t tell me what to read or write. He doesn’t restrict my time on social media but does ask about what’s going on. I’m old enough to know when to self restrict but flicking that switch is hard. I want him to tell. me to stop and at the same time know I must do this for myself.
There are things going on in the sex blogging world I don’t like. People writing about things they don’t understand. Others challenging them on it and the first people arguing they are the persecuted ones. Everyone shouts and no one listens. Exactly the same thing that happens in any argument. I’m trying not to get involved, while realising that I’m spending too much time on that damn fence again. Trouble is I hate conflict but am compelled to watch it and can’t help but be involved.
The only way forward for now is to focus on my and our world. To write about the things I know about and want to express. But at the same time read and learn about the things that might help navigate this kind of mess in the future.