Being proud of who we are

I spent much of my adult life fretting that things hadn’t turned out how I wanted them to be. Trouble was, I didn’t actually know what that was. My whole blog is about my voyage of discovery to establish who I truly am and what that means. Sometimes I’ve been anxious that I’m in some way different or abnormal. But if I’ve learned anything over the years with Master it is to, embrace our instincts and be proud of who we are.

Over the past 6 years I have had some amazing opportunities to explore my kinks with Master. From our first play date he has pushed and tested me. Asked me to talk about my deepest desires and read my blog for clues. Then he has set about making those come true. It was something of a fluke we turned out to be as compatible as we are. It was lucky that I was prepared to try out new things and go with his plans and even liked many of them. What’s more since he is the original Gadget Man he has acquired the equipment to go with it.

This means I’ve had more opportunities than most to try things out. But also we’ve been able to do so in private, which I actually like. It isn’t that I don’t like playing in public, I am definitely an exhibitionist. However, I prefer that we play out some kinks in private. Relaxing and getting into my submissive head space is more difficult than it once was. Strangely there’s less going on in my head that needs shoving out. A busy work schedule was some how easier to dismiss through pain and general slutiness than what lives there now.

Over the years Master has bought me some great kink gear; harnesses, waistcoats, spanking skirt, collars. I have worn them with pride and then when I put weight on left them in the cupboard. But recently I’ve begun to get them out again and wear them for him at home and when out at kink events. Master likes to see me dressed up and also naked and I know he is proud of the way I have embraced CMnf. Damn, I’m proud too.

When others watch the way Master plays with me at an event I feel proud and fills him with joy. He is generous and is always happy to show people his equipment and even lend it out to the right people. Generally we keep to our selves, but increasingly we are making friends and getting to know others. This increasing confidence is, I think good for us both.

I chose the image above because Master looks proud and happy with himself. No doubt he has plans for me and for us in that moment.

Chilling

For the first throw back Thursday of this years February Photofest, this photo of Master chilling out. This was taken at Stoxx, which sadly no longer seems to be available. As well as showing him relaxing, it gives an idea of some of the equipment. We can only hope the owners rent it out again sometime. I’d love to stay there again!

I am, because we are

It is a coincidence that as I walked home yesterday I was thinking about this topic. Wondering about who I am now as we enter the 7th year of our life together. Wondering whether I am worthy as his submissive and partner. I came to the conclusion that we are where we are because of who we are, together. So, some background.

Last weekend was the 6th anniversary of the day we met in person. This year we celebrated by going out for dinner. We often eat out, but usually it’s because we are doing something away from home and dinner out is easier. This was a meal out for itself.

Today I received notice that the first part of my divorce, the decree nisi will be heard in court in March. 6 weeks and one day later I will be divorced. My entire blog catalogues my own journey to this point. In many ways I am the person I was at the beginning, but of course events have changed me. Plus taking on the role of slave and starting a new long term relationship has added to that.

The person I was

Confused, probably sums it up. As I approached my 50th birthday I knew change was needed. My life wasn’t going as it should and I wanted something different. Trouble was I didn’t know what that different was or how to go about getting it. I consider my self lucky that the two men I met along the way helped guide me towards discovering what that might be. The fall out from my ex was hard to bear. Last week while reading some old posts from 2013 to link to my privacy post I came across some very disturbing writing.

My husband was playing me. I know that now since at the time he was already in another relationship (still unknown to me). But meanwhile he manipulated me and made me feel I was beyond dreadful for cheating on him. He made me sleep deprived by turning up early in the morning and then he snooped through my emails and was generally horrible. All the time I cooked meals for him if he decided to be home. Made sandwiches and did his washing. YES, I actually did those things. I was a complete doormat. I now know I should have kicked him out and changed the locks. But that’s with the benefit of hindsight.

The person I am

From the beginning of my relationship with Master things changed. He listened to me and helped me work out how to navigate the way ahead. I didn’t always to what he suggested to begin with. But usually there was some method in his ideas. His own other relationship was messy and so we worked through those times together. Sometimes that meant just being there for each other. I know there were times when he felt less dominant for it, but this was a human need not about power exchange dynamics. Not many months after we met my father became terminally ill and died. The support Master provided during that time set the scene for the kind of partner he would be.

Running parallel to all of those more intimate and personal elements of our relationship is the kink. Power, Dominance, submission, kinky sex and play. Over the years we have learned what is our norm. The things that feel safe and right. But we have also pushed each other to try new things.

For a very long time we played in the privacy of our own home and occasionally in a privately hired dungeon. It was also a while before we ventured to Munches and in the end it was through talking to people at those events that drew us to play events. Then recently we started meeting up with some people we met at one of those. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that often I’d prefer to stay at home. Well until I’m there that is. But that is also true of attending vanilla events even with friends.

Am I submissive enough? Is he dominant enough?

These were my thoughts as I listened to some podcasts while travelling yesterday (details below). My idea of submission at the beginning of this journey was based on erotica and other blogs. Training plans for submissives, men with dungeons in their basements, kneeling naked etc. It isn’t like that. For obvious reasons. But when Master tells me I’ve been bratty, I do stop and think. When he tells me to kneel and suck his cock I do it. When he asks me if I’ve achieved the things in my planner, I do reflect. And when he tells me his is proud of the person I glow with pride.

He has helped me become the slave he wants, but also I have helped him to become the dominant I need. Our life together is the one we have made together and it isn’t like anyone else’s I’m sure. But it occurs to me that we are who we are and I am the person I am because of us.

At some point soon, I am going to draw a line on some of the past. We share enough history on this blog not to need to go back further. The posts will remain but they will be archived from view. They are not ones that are retweeted anyway. Time to move on.

Thoughts generated from the following podcasts

Master's plaything

This would have been a great image for this objectification post from last week. But I wanted to save it for February Photofest. I’m not really sure why this hasn’t been featured before, but really happy to include it now. This was also taken at the secret Dungeon

As you can see my nipples are clamped, plus there is the hood and lead. I was definitely Master’s plaything that night!

Anticipation

He has prepared her carefully. Securing her across the chest and legs. She is blindfolded, but for now her hands and arms are left free. Her legs are secured in an open position and from the back he can see her pink cunt through the gap in her legs. She waits in anticipation not knowing what he will do next.

The plastic of the bench is cold on her body and the position he had put her in not all together comfortable. Music blares out from the sound system, a slow sexy Barry White number. She tries not to think back to the last time she heard the track, tries instead to clear her mind. He is moving around in the background choosing his instruments of torture. She hears him approach. He is still dressed and wearing shoes. She of course is completely naked.

His choice is a soft rubber flogger and first he rests it on her back and moves it gently across her shoulders, then down over her buttocks. Then the first impact. It is a deceivingly stingy piece of equipment, she winces and he smiles. Though of course she can’t see that. After 20 strokes he replaces this flogger for another, made of rubber and then later with one formed of plastic though it looks like barbed wire. This latter flogger makes her cry out, a mixture of pain and pleasure. Next she feels his fingers touching her cunt and is not surprised when he exclaims that she is very wet. Her clit responds to his touch and then she hears the buzz of the wand. Yes please she thinks.

Sure enough the sound becomes a real vibration on her cunt, she pushes her bottom towards him. The head of the vibrator touches her clitoris full on and it is as much as she can do to hold back.

“Not yet” he tells her turning the thing off.

The anticipation continues but so does the pleasure. They’ve only just begun.

Submitting

This week’s February Photofest theme is all about our kinks. My photos will highlight some of the fun times we’ve had both at home and some of the privately rented dungeons we’ve stayed in.

This image of me kneeling in submission was, I think taken at the secret dungeon. It was taken a few years ago, but hasn’t been seen on my blog before. I’ve entitled this submitting. Photo taken by Master.

Anniversary

6 years ago today I met a man in a pub. It wasn’t meant to turn into anything special. But it did and today today he is my Master and I am his slave.

He is also my Partner, lover and friend.

Today is our Anniversary and this photo epitomises our relationship.

Taken by Gary at Liberty Elite.

This photo was taken at a kink Christmas Party by the official photographer. Because of an email mix up I didn’t get the photo (and a few others) till mid January. It shows the romance and the fun that we have together. So, it is perfect for my first day of this year’s February photofest. Our Anniversary.

To see who else is participating in February Photofest click on the lips below.

To see who else is participating in Sinful Sunday click on the lips below.