Co-dependent

I never thought I’d want to be dependent on another person. When my marriage was ending I was adamant I wanted to be independent and to live alone if that was required. I like my own space and at the time I had a well paid job and was exploring what being single could mean. I was 16 when I started going out with my ex, so I’ve never been single. That’s still true in a way. But this relationship is different from that one.

Master first asked me to live with him at the end of a very boozy evening in Amsterdam. It was 2014 and he had just finished with his other slave. Our hotel had an honesty bar and we sat alone there drinking dutch gin, well I did. When he asked if I’d live with him, I laughed and said no. He had to agree it was a mad idea.

But actually it wasn’t such a stupid plan, it just took a while to happen. Our dependence on each other took a while and changes were subtle. Giving up control of orgasms and my body were nothing in comparison to depending on each other emotionally. And, this isn’t a one way road. He has emotional needs that I try to satisfy, to listen to his concerns.

I also bear the brunt of his rants about the ineffectiveness of the bank of England, industry in general, government, the EU. I’m also a sounding board for his knowledge on music, film and literature. If I wasn’t there he’d just be living in his head, so it’s a worthy thing. Plus I learn stuff without having to do the hard work. I also cook and am better at it than him, though he has an amazing palate and advises on flavour He makes a mean salad dressing and is king of what herb or spice goes with what.

Since giving up work and moving in with Master the dependency ratio has swung a little. This is his property, though our home. I have an income from my work pension, but it isn’t enough to support myself completely. He is managing my savings and making a good job of it. Right now, I could walk away with a reasonable sum of money, but I’d probably need to go back to work soon after. I have no plans to do so, but I do recognise my dependence on him financially. Or maybe it is that we are co-dependent because we live cheaper as two than we did living separately.

For him, my being dependent on him feeds into his desire for power and control. I have no problem with this and have willingly given him elements of me and my body to own. There is no abuse here so I am perfectly prepared to let him have the control he so desires.

It’s easy to see how power exchange could result in an unhealthy co-dependency. That’s why consent is so important – safe, sane consensual. Plus the importance of communication, checking in with each other.

As I said at the beginning, I never expected this life. But I am happy to have it. To be with the man I love. Yes, I’m dependent on him, but he is on me. This Master / slave thing is no one way street. We co-exist and are co-dependent. Hopefully we can grow old together this way.

13 Replies to “Co-dependent”

  1. I’ve been thinking quite a bit about this topic, too. We rely on on another for a lot of things, and without each other life would be much more difficult. I think most relationships are like that; it’s one of the major draws. Of course there is love that draws most of us, but we become a team and begin to take on certain roles while giving up others. It does make us dependent on one another.

    1. Co-dependency gets a bad press, often rightly. But it does work for the right people. I’m glad that’s the case fo you too.

  2. Hello Julie, I’ve been a follower of your journals for some time. I found this piece on interdependence especially moving. I’m in a similar situation in which – I moved in with him, started a life together, and also I’m at this moment not in a very good financial situation. The mainstream culture we live in is telling me I should have a life of my own, get a good job, save some money, and buy a property. I am telling myself although this is not exactly what I wanted, it might be a good chance to learn to live together; I want to do my best to build trust upon each other and cultivate this relationship with our inner compassion. I constantly fight with myself. I wonder how and why some people live happily in a lightness of being, while I tend to see gloomy prospects for the world and human beings in general.

    1. Thank you for reading and commenting and welcome. I agree, the overriding culture does tell us that we should be independent. For me, it is really about trust. Did I trust him enough to give up work and live in his house, what are my safety nets (and I do have them). I think in the end you have to ignore everyone else and go with your own instincts.

  3. As part of this endearing post you make a very good point … ‘This Master / slave thing is no one way street.” That’s an understanding that usually only comes with the lived experience. I’ve known too many subs who, when first setting out want a complete dependence that is one-way. Perhaps that’s why I enjoy reading the easy accommodation with reality between the two of you in your posts.

    šŸŒ¹šŸŒ¹

  4. Thanks Melody. I agree, I am only able to settle into the life I have now with the experience of what has come before. Plus it took over 4 years of being with him before I took that plunge. I’m glad you read and love your comments. xx

  5. Such a lovely post, and such true words that it’s no one-way street. I think any loving relationship should always be a two-way street, where one partner depends on the other and vice versa, otherwise it will just not work. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experience šŸ™‚

    Rebel xox

  6. Thank you for linking to Tell Me About šŸ˜Š

    I think as you do that codependency can have a bad reputation but in the right situation with the right people it can be exactly what you need.

  7. This bit made me laugh – “rants about the ineffectiveness of the bank of England, industry in general, government, the EU. Iā€™m also a sounding board for his knowledge on music, film and literature.”

    I thought I’d written it about my man lol
    xx

  8. This is lovely. Warmed my heart. You know exactly what your relationship is all about and that comes through. It’s what makes it so warming, made me laugh little too. Thanks for linking up to all 3 memes šŸ™‚

  9. I love your take on this topic Julie and what you have sounds really special. I smiled at a couple of the parts and love the fact that your humour comes across. I think you challenge the preconceptions that many would have about what a Master/slave relationship is like and that is a good thing šŸ˜Š

Your thoughts are always welcome

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