SoSS 2020 – 1

I’ve not been great at producing Share our Shit Saturday posts. This is partly because I often dont have my own shit together half the time. I read and comment on lots of blog posts every week, but often forget which have been my favorites. I’m determined though to make this year different and so since New Year have been saving posts in draft. Yes folks, the girl with no draft posts in her draft folder now has draft posts.

I’m not sure how often I’ll do these and I don’t want to set a target then fail at it. But here goes with number 1.

Violet Fawkes is already helping my motivation this month by running her January Jumpstart meme. So far I’ve missed only two days. But also, some of her own posts have caught my eye. At this time of year everyone is publishing their top 10, 20 or whatever favorite bloggers, which is great. But what if you don’t appear on these lists? This post by Violet, about loving yourself even if you aren’t on a list hit the spot with me, because I’m on some lists and not others. I can’t help but take these omissions personally even though there is no reason.

Another of Violet’s posts that caught my attention was this one about morning sex . I fully get that this is not her thing. It certainly wasn’t mine until Master and I got together. I’m sure that if I’d had a sex blog 10 years ago, I’d have been saying the same things. But age and circumstance have changed things. That’s the beauty of blogging over a long time, you can see how goals and objectives change. However that’s not to say that afternoon sex isn’t sometimes on our agend, such is Violet’s preferance. Certianly during the summer, that’s something we both love.

I’ve loved everyone’s 2019 reviews and enjoyed E. L Byrne’s Evolution of a polycule 2019 wrap-up Indeed I’ve been reading her weekly reviews on both her sites for sometime. The reviews will now be monthly and i’m looking forward to that. Poly isn’t my thing but I am fascinated by the lifestyle. My own experience was marred by jealousy (hers and mine) and I’ll be happy not to go there again. But I have the utmost respect for folks who can make it work.

Quinn Rhodes also writes regularly about her polyamory. She is a fabulous writer of both fiction and non fiction. This post: Sex goals for 2020: dominance and dating apps struck a cord. Goals are great, but if you don’t feel you’ve achieved half of what you set out then don’t just roll out the same ones. This year’s goals are more about relationships, behaviour and exploring different kinks within a queer, solo poly and romantic way. This can only bode well for Quinn’s writing. I’ve also enjoyed getting to know Quinn a little better through twitter and the Smutlancer Slack group, which has been a great bonus.

I try to participate in the weekly and monthly memes as much as possible. But there just isn’t enough time in the day to do them all. Plus, some prompts strike a cord more than others. I have to admit that Sex bloggers for mental health is one meme that I have written least for. I intend to rectify that this year. It occurs to me that I need to think much more about my mental health going forward.

This post Blogging about mental health and why it’s important by Missy, brought that message home to me. It also made me realise how respectful we need to be of the needs of others. I was overwhelmed to read an earlier linked post about Missy’s own mental health struggles. I’m grateful that my fellow sex bloggers feel so safe (as do to reveal so much of ourselves to each other.

Like a number of our fellow sex bloggers, Cara had a difficult 2019, and has not been writing as regularly as usual. I was so pleased to see that she has joined January Jumpstart and identified in particular with this post on intimacy and the way in which she describes the effect our previous relationships have on the way we desire to seek out intimate relationships. While spanking with a new partner might meet that need, being touched in an intimate way requires trust. I hope Cara regains her blogging mojo and that January Jumpstart helps.

New lingerie

Now that my breast reconstruction is delayed till later in the year, I’ve decided to invest in more new bras and where possible matching knickers. This set arrived before Christmas, but I just tried them out for the first time this morning. I’m pleased to say my new diet regime, which I started back in November is paying off. My tummy is shrinking and I’m starting to get a bit of definition back between my waist and hips. I’m starting to feel good, maybe even fabulous again! The lingerie is from specialist supplier Nicola Jane.

The one on the left is taken in the doorway to my office, hence the books and the second as you can see, in the bathroom.

Just for you, I dried my hair before getting dressed!

As you can see, new lingerie is definitely for everyone.

Click the badge above to see who else is participating in Lingerie is for Everyone Click the badge below to see who is part of January Jumpstart.

Thoughts on intimacy

While reading this post by May yesterday it struck me that there was a time when I hated intimacy. The reasons for these feelings differ between us, experiences in childhood and young adulthood are important. Being cheated on so early in my marriage had a profound affect on me. Over time, I learned to bury the hurt and pain, to bury my feelings. I guess I came across as cold and unresponsive. He told me I was frigid, so I know that was the case.

Sex during my marriage

Was perfunctory and was often just sex. I’ve said before that he was a man who could complete foreplay and PIV sex in during a commercial break. But to be fair to him, I was often ok with that. I’d hang around in the bedroom for a while and bang out an orgasm. Or else wait till he was asleep and find my rabbit. I actually didn’t want him to be intimate with me, to stroke and touch.

It’s strange, because we didn’t have full sex for quite a time after we met. But there was a lot of intimacy – a lot of foreplay (without the sex), we always sat close together and touched and kissed a lot. And then gradually that didn’t happen any more, but the catalyst for that was his affair. Don’t get me wrong we had our moments, but I think alcohol played quite a part in getting me to relax my guard.

Meeting S

This was a pretty transactional relationship looking back. I was his bedroom submissive, I dressed up and got off on some humiliation and degradation. In return we had some very good sex and through that I discovered I was in no way frigid. The play and the sex were fairly unemotional. But there was a lot of intimacy before and after. My husband rarely cooked a meal and being presented with breakfast after an early start and long drive was amazing. Picnics in bed were also a fun and intimate thing. But also there was aftercare of the physical kind – stroking, kissing and just generally being.

But then it was time to leave and I often didn’t hear from him for days or even weeks. To begin with that hurt, but over time I accepted that it wasn’t a love affair and took from it what I needed.

The intimacy of us

This relationship, with Master gives me everything I didn’t realise I needed until I had it. I’ve written before about the importance of touch between us. The intimacy is just there. If my husband came up to me and put his hands on my waist, then grabbed a tit I’d swat him away. Because there was a motive. With Master, there could be motive, but in general he is touching me because he desires me and just wants to touch me.

The stroking and holding takes place before during and after sex. During play he is constantly seeking to check I am ok and to let me know that he desires me. He also wants to know that I am aroused by the things he is doing.

As mentioned in the post – The touch of our hands – he didn’t always enjoy being touched. Now though he actively seeks my hands on his body. We approach each other regularly and just kiss gently on the lips. We don’t always hold hands when out, but sometimes, often late at night we do and it feels just right.

In many ways I feel I’ve come full circle. That I didn’t actually know what I needed till I didn’t have it. Didn’t know what to expect or to ask for. But, you know what? It’s never to late to find out what you need and perhaps to get it.

Click below for the thoughts of others on the topic of intimacy

Click below to see who else is participating in January Jumpstart.


Photo by Allie Smith on Unsplash

This was the last of my navel gazing, reflective posts (well for now). Onwards we march into January 2020. For once in my life I still feel motivated and it’s already the second week of the year! But joking aside, what gets and keeps me motivated?

Blogging motivation

I’m definitely being helped along by my new planner. I’m still learning to use it, but this afternoon I’m going to spend some time on the project planning pages. I have plans for this blog and also the continuing development of Food, Fitness and Health. There are some great features too, space on the back of each diary page. A beautiful folder and because it’s loose leaf I can move stuff around. So far so good. But of course, my motivation will only last as long as I produce results. I’ve not really been feeling sexy or kinky lately, which has hit my ability to write anything erotic. But I’m hoping that will change, and prompts do help that. The Food for Thought prompt this week is intimacy, so……..

Sex, kink and submission

These elements of my and our life ebb and flow. Busy times such as Christmas mean that we are focused outwards and not inwards. Plus, we are both pretty sure that the lack of day and sunlight affects us. This winter is so far not cold, but it has been wet and more often than not overcast. Plus we don’t have a week in the sun to look forward to this year.

But we have plans coming up. This weekend we are off to a new (to us) club and so there will be play. The release of endorphins will, I think help us both. Master also has plans for March – something special after Eroticon (more news later) and his birthday celebration. He has plans for us to go away, but won’t tell me where we are going. I managed to squeeze an average temperature from him and it definitely isn’t the Caribbean. However, I know that wherever we go we will be sure to focus on our dynamic plus hopefully have some good sex.


I’ve recently taken on some voluntary work with a charity which will take up a bit of my time going forward. I was thrilled to have been asked to join the board and hope that I will get the chance to learn as well as share my expertise. There’s also some paid work in the offing. I was a bit worried I’d need to go to an agency but it looks like that might not be necessary. There’s nothing like being wanted to make you feel motivated. I need to replenish my savings a bit in this half of the year and that is motivation enough to look for work.


People (including me) have had a bit more time on their hands lately and this had led to a higher level of engagement. Or so it seems. I’m trying to read and comment on more blog posts and to engage on twitter. February photofest is a great blogging community event and will be coming up all too soon. We’ve started to take some extra photos and edit old ones so I have enough material to join in. Then there’s the run up to Eroticon (66 days and counting), always a motivating event and time.

Health and fitness

I start most years with plans to lose weight, get fitter etc and then lose motivation when it proves too hard. I struggle with changing habits for longer than a week or two. So, given I have a good reason to keep going this year I am trying to take it day by day. But to focus each day on doing the best I can and if I slip to carry on the next day. Maybe that is a message for any goals – tomorrow is always another day.

Determining priorities

I’ve written a bit about the pressures I felt were on me in the run up to Christmas. I have loved family Christmas’ in the past and mourn their passing. Well, I thought I did. Because this festive period taught me that I need to be clearer about what is important and necessary and what would be nice. I also realised in my end of year reflections the extent to which I have started to revert to type. That is, trying to organise everyone and then being upset when everyone doesn’t welcome my efforts.

Master and I have spent far too much time over the past two weeks discussing what happened and what was wrong with it. For him, the priority is to be as stress free as possible. He says he hates Christmas, I don’t actually think he does. What he really dislikes is conforming to expectations, spending too much money, watching crap TV and over eating. All of which are symptoms of this time of year. He has no objection to spending time with others (i.e. my family members), but he wants to be in control of who, for how long and when.

These events now make me think of the rest of the year. How do we determine where our priorities lie and how do we ensure that we do what we want. We plan to focus much of this year around the knowledge I should have reconstruction surgery in the second part of the year. So we are thinking about what events we will attend, trips and holidays we will take and who else we need to consider in those plans. But those plans will only be for the first half of the year, until around July.

We’ve been fortunate since I gave up work, that we can be flexible with dates. Also that we are able to do so many things we want to do. We don’t have other dependents, though our priorities need to include others. Master, quite rightly wants to see his daughter more often than of late. Likewise I want to spend time with my son and daughter in law. Perhaps in past years we have prioritised ourselves. Plus of course in 2018 I was preparing to move, working my notice and getting diagnosed with breast cancer.

What I’ve come to realise is that getting my priorities wrong leads to anxiety and stress not only in me but in Master. By choice our life together is busy and because of that we need to build in down time and plenty of it. Time when we may be doing things together, but equally where we have our own priorities. We both like to spend time alone even if we are in the same house, or sometimes even the same room.

This needs to be factored in when we go and visit others. We spent two nights at my mum’s followed by one in a hotel. The two nights with mum were in hindsight a mistake. We struggled to escape from her misery, the TV and her smoking. The night in the hotel was bliss. But it wasn’t alone time, far from it. Instead we lunched with my son and daughter in law and spent the evening with her family.

Although I’ve used Christmas as the example here, this is about a much bigger issue. It’s about balancing my and our needs with those of others. And it is about planning how we better manage times that could prove stressful. I guess you could say that a plan is forming to make sure that happens.


Photo by Dawid Zawiła on Unsplash

I was first introduced to the concept of mindfulness during a work away day over 5 years ago. Our boss brought someone in to run a session on the topic and after going through the principles spent a bit of time getting the group to try them out. At the time my dad was seriously ill, my marriage break up was weighing heavily and my job was very stressful. I was struggling to let know of the worries of each day and was sleeping poorly.

However, that one session sticks in my mind. Because it showed me that I could let go of the thoughts crowding in. Even for a short period of time. At my next 1:1 I told my manager about my experience of that session – one of a sudden weightlessness and almost sleepiness. As I concentrated on where my hands, feet, bottom etc were and let the stress leave my body. She suggested I look for a course and do some reading, which I did. But for some reason I never followed through.

The main reason was that by actually recognising how stressed I had become, I began to look at ways to let it go. I began to speak about how overwhelmed I was and to seek support from other. In particular Master. We were in the first few months of our relationship back then. He was probably the first person who had ever picked up when things were not right. Also, but telling my manager about my dad and some of the problems at home I lightened my own load. So that when my dad was dying I was able to take time off work and go and care for him.

Even though I’ve been stressed since then, I have often used the principles of mindfulness I learned then. Taking some exercise is often a good way of relieving tensions, just going for a walk can be sufficient. This was something I used to do after work in the summer times. Rather than make me more tired it invigorated me and meant I could function. These days I don’t have the stress of work to worry about. But other worries sometimes flood my mind.

Concerns about my mother and how I can support her without it taking over my life. Thoughts about my health and how to make sure it is maintained and improved. Worries over aspects of our sex life and M/s dynamic. This is partly because I know we are both ageing and our bodies changing. Lately my orgasms have changed, as has my relationship with my remaining breast. Talking these worries through is so important and the fact we can is reassuring. We have sex in the mornings because that suits Master’s body better and I have grown more used to this than I used to be.

Events at Christmas threw me out of kilter. Since then I’ve had some odd conversations with my mum and we have tried to analyse what it all means. My brother and I are concerned for her welfare and inability to articulate what is wrong. That she lashes out at me so much is troubling. Master and I, my brother and I and my son and I have spent much too long recently discussing these issues.

I have been most troubled that despite saying that I was never going to allow others to dictate our life again that’s what I’ve been doing. That once again I tried to be the person who takes all of the stress on themselves so that others are free of it (namely my two brothers). But the events leading up to Christmas, the awful day we had with her on Christmas Day and the calls since tell me that must change. Of course I will be there when she needs me. She is 80 now and I know that need will be there. But I can control how I deal with her and I can also make sure others pull their weight.

That I have been able to recognise when things are going wrong definitely dates back to that one event in 2014. I’m grateful that work put on the event and that I went along to it. Going forward I am going to take a look at this resource suggested by Brigit and put together my own personal vision statement. I’ll report back when it’s done. This is all part of my attempt to be more mindful of how I use my time. That I want to be productive and to achieve the goals I’ve set myself.

Sleeping Venus

We didn’t set out to take a photo os me looking like The Sleeping Venus, because if we had, I’d have moved one of my hands to a different location. But I have to admit that Master’s suggestion of a title for this post is pretty good. Also a coincidence is that we managed to include the shadow element for the Sinful Sunday prompt. But hopefully he nailed it!

Click the lips to see who else is participating

Down a blogging rabbit hole

I had planned to write every day for Jumpstart January. But yesterday I found myself down a blogging rabbit hole. As I mentioned in my post on Tuesday, I have started a new blog – Big Fanfare:

Food, Fitness and Health

I set it up about 6 weeks ago, but December was a busy month and I hadn’t had the time to devote to it. Then after Christmas and over the past few days I have been writing every day. I have a lot I want to write about my thoughts of food and eating, on getting fitter and on health in general. I also feel that before I invite others to contribute their thoughts I ought to have a bit of material I’ve written myself.

But also I want it to look right and I wasn’t especially happy with how it looked (though I like the theme I’ve chosen on the while). So yesterday I decided to put together a front page and then crazily published it too early. Hours passed while I tried to fix things and so I spent all afternoon and half the evening down a WordPress plugin rabbit hole. It’s still not quite right but lets call it work in progress. Plus I want to write something here. Especially as the Wicked Wednesday post where I wrote about it as one of my goals was chosen in the round up by Marie. Plus she has kindly highlighted it. My plans for this new place are:

Plans for Food Fitness and Health

Provide a vanilla place for myself to write about my progress to maintaining my health and being ready for surgery. This will require me to lose some weight, but also to be fit for surgery. Then afterwards to maintain a healthy lifestyle.

Provide a place where people might find my Breast Cancer journey (though it will still be here), I’m hoping to attract non Sex Bloggers as well as my lovely kinky friends.

Provide a space for others to write about their health goals and projects. To provide encouragement, advice and support to each other. This isn’t about saying we all have to conform to the same ideal. Since health means different things to different people.

To share recipe ideas. This won’t just be about eating food that might be considered ‘healthy’. Since feeling good also includes sweets, chocolate and carbs. But in the main I will be trying to find ways around sugar, food with fewer starchy carbohydrates etc. So any recipes to make me feel good while eating healthy will be fabulous.

Link to other sites such as Sex Bloggers for Mental Health, since mental health is as (if not more) important as physical health. Certainly one can’t happen without the other. Links to other health and food related blogs and sites I wouldn’t link to here.

Review books and try to weave through the crazy world of diets, weird fads and health crazes. Including calling out the downright dangerous, body and sex negative stuff that fills the internet.

In a few weeks

I’ll launch a meme (plus guest posts) over there for sharing food, fitness and health related articles, stories – good and bad. I hope you will come and join me there.


Our dynamic is about power, control and mind games. I say games, because to begin with it feels like it. Where someone is seeking to get you to conform to their way of thinking, to make you behave in certain ways and to develop a mindset. For me the mindset of a submissive, of a slave. Looking back this was always a conscious thing on both sides.

Before I met Master, there had been a few times when I had found myself in a submissive space, usually after an intense sex session. I also knew I responded well to instructions, In the right context. In that relationship, (2012 to the end of 2013), we used certain rituals to create the right mindset. Wearing certain clothes (and underwear) and shoes. Kneeling for him as soon as I arrived. So, while I wasn’t someone who usually liked to be told what to do, I found myself embracing his dominance.

A submissive mindset

With Master though it was different. From the very beginning his approach was psychological. Our physical attraction to each other came through our conversations about Dominance and submission. He says he felt my submission almost before he laid a finger on me. It was almost like he had a power over me. Our first date was in February, it was wet and cold and we strolled into a disused church. By the time he touched my bottom and pressed his erection against my cunt I’d have gladly taken my jeans down there and then. For me, sexual arousal and submissive mindset are clearly linked. I had brought that knowledge from the previous relationship and found it to be true here. A couple of weeks later I discovered how powerful BDSM play could be in sending me into subspace.

A name

Within days I was referring to myself in the third person while we were together and soon here on my blog too. To him I was and remain this girl, His pleasing bitch. The latter took a little longer to form but to this day, Master rarely refers to me as Julie, except to others.

I wouldn’t claim to remain in some submissive mindset all of the time. Once, I probably did most of the time we spent together. But now of course we live together and have regular stuff to do. But when we have sex, when we play or when the mood takes him a few words are uttered and I am back in that place. Back being this girl, slut, slave and his bitch. What’s more the names aren’t just used when in bed and so he has the power to pull me up short just by calling me this girl. And not only when we are alone, at home.

The right mindset

But having said that, there are times when it doesn’t work. When it takes effort on both our parts to create the right feeling. This was more of a thing when I was working, on Friday nights I needed a bit more persuasion (and alcohol) to get into the mood. Another challenge can be my mum who definitely gets me into a mood very easily.

I’ve mentioned recently about changes to my orgasms, that I don’t feel the need for so many and that they can’t always be forced. This can be challenging since multiple orgasms definitely put me into a submissive space. And if you can’t force one out there won’t be lots. But true to form Master is finding ways around my resistant body, which can’t help but respond to strong vibrations.

A successful Dominant / submissive relationship requires brining together physical actions with the right mindset and making those two things happen at the same time can take a bit of effort. However it does make for an interesting life and is rarely dull.


January Jumpstart – More goals for 2020

For the second year Violet Fawkes is running a month long meme – January Jumpstart. Designed to get the blogging year off to a flying start with 31 posts in 31 days. This year January looks pretty quiet and I’m keen to get writing so I’m joining in.

There are a couple of goals that I left off of my post yesterday and which I want to write about. These are personal things that are not related to my blog or to writing but which I am bound to write about.

Legal issues

The first is that I am still married and that we are living in Master’s house. That I currently have no financial stability and if something should happen to him I would be looking for a new home. Also that my (still) husband lives in a house that is jointly owned by he and his partner. But if anything should happen to him, then that half a house would become mine again. So the key personal goal for this year is to sort out this legal and financial situation.

I had planned to divorce last year and did start the online process. But with other stuff going on it wasn’t a priority. Now though I feel I must get on with divorce and we must have wills to make sure everyone knows where they stand.

I never thought I’d want to marry again, but actually I would really quite like that. But you can’t marry if you are already married to someone else. So, into my planner all of this goes.


Most of the proceeds of the sale of my half of our marital home is tied up and doing nicely in my share portfolio. Master is managing that for me and all is well. I receive a monthly NHS pension which should be enough to live on and is. But it doesn’t really allow for much in the way of luxuries, holidays etc. So I need to supplement it. I still have a reasonable amount of savings other than mentioned above, but I need to build them up again. I managed to spend quite a bit during last year.

So, I need to find some interim work for the first half of this year. Resend my CV to a few agencies and chase some contacts. This is on top of any small amount of money I might be able to earn through my blogging and writing.

So, these are my specific personal goals for 2020 and are added to those I mentioned in my last post. They aren’t New Year resolutions but actual things that really need to be done. And that’s me for January 1st 2020.