2020 – Goals and plans for the New Year

I’ve written a couple of reflective posts over the last couple of weeks. This one offering my personal thoughts and reflections of 2019 and this, a review of my blogging year. And now, on New Year’s Eve 2019 I turn to 2020 and my goals and plans for the coming year.

Last year at this time I bought myself a planner and used it reasonably well for the first 6 months or so. Really though I only planned a month at a time and kept rolling goals and plans forward. I was always going to lose weight, always going to earn money, to redesign my blog and write loads. But at the end of the year I am the same weight, earned only a small amount of money and my blog is exactly the same. So, my first goal is to use my new planner properly and to set longer term goals as well as short term ones. I’ve begun that process, which is how I am able to articulate them here in this post.

Goal number 2

I want to be fitter and healthier. This does involve losing weight, but is more about being fit for surgery. Which is likely to take place towards autumn 2020. I’ve been exploring changes to my diet and have been intermittent fasting for about 6 weeks (some weeks more seriously than others). This involves fasting for around 16 hours and eating during an 8 hour window. I’ve made no other real changes but have lost a few pounds. This year I am going to try to work out what foods are good for me and which are not. I’ve been swimming most weeks for 7 months or so and I want to step up the exercise regime now. This all brings me to goal number 3.

Goal number 3

A new blog. I’d been toying with the idea of starting something new about health and wellbeing. Something to help me along in meeting the challenge of getting ready for surgery. Marie messaged me to say she had been thinking of doing something similar, but wondered if I might want to do it. Great minds hey? So I got myself a new domain – because I want it to standalone from this and attract people who might not be interested in the stuff I write here. But also I wanted to give myself more accountability.

The past few weeks have been busy, so it is a bit less ready than I wanted. January will be about creating content, raising profile and getting people to visit and contribute. The purpose of Food and Fitness for Health is to promote a healthier lifestyle without becoming obsessed with thinness. I’m never going to be thin, but I do want to be healthy and I want others to share in that process. The blog will be about food – healthy food doesn’t need to be dull and boring. We all have to eat and can’t survive on salad and vegetables alone. We need chocolate, the occasional pizza, burgers. Because life isn’t just about physical wellbeing but emotional health too.

I’ve discovered exercise is good for me physically but also helps my mental health. It clears my mind of worries and confusion and allows me to function better.

I want people to share their stories about food, fitness and health. I want it to be a sex positive and body positive place, but it won’t be a sex blog as such. I hope that if you are reading this you will want to join me over there and contribute. More details on that to come.

Goal number 4

The time has come to take this blog to the next level, both in terms of content and style. In April it will be 8 years old and in February I will have been self hosting for 3 years. Early in the New Year I plan to start playing around with a new blog style and trying to make it as welcoming and fabulous as I can. Maybe creating a gallery of my photos, separating out types of posts etc.

In terms of content I want to focus on being able to pitch ideas for other sites and make some money. To do that I need to write content for the blog that is the same quality as it would need to be to pitch and sell. That I think is where the planning comes in. I’m writing this post to publish this afternoon and while I have thoughts about how it should end up it is being spontaneously written. That is how most posts are written and that will continue. But also I want to produce more research based and thoughtful writing both for MPB and Food and Fitness for Health. That takes time, but also provides an opportunity to schedule posts and to decide not to put them here but to pitch them elsewhere.

This brings me to Goal number 5 – Fiction

I want to write fiction, but need to be in the right head space and I think I am pretty much there. I am going to write a new fiction piece on MPB every month. I toyed with the idea of joining the Smut Marathon again but really don’t think I need to pressure. So, I’ll concentrate on writing here, though I may use some of the Smut Marathon posts. Instead of joining in I’ll commit to reading, commenting and voting on the entries. As well as reading more fiction written by my fellow sex bloggers since that helps with my own writing too.

Well, I think that’s enough to be going on with. So here’s to a successful blogging year in 2020 for me and for all of you lovely people who visit and who comment. Happy New Year!

Photo by Denise Karis on Unsplash

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

2019 In Review

Over the past few years, at the end of December, I’ve looked back over my blog and created a review. The year has, on the whole been a good one, we’ve travelled to new places and done some fabulous things. This is my 235th post this year, up considerably on last year. I’ve discovered that writing about something is better than writing nothing. So it was only when I was away for the whole of July that I didn’t write at least twice a week. I’ll write more about stats when I post about my plans for 2020. But now, this is my year – 2019 in review.

January

The year didn’t start especially well for me, a hangover as it were from 2018. The unfinished business was radiotherapy for my breast cancer. The treatment itself wasn’t bad, but the cumulative effects – physical and emotional were. This post sums up the month. I haven’t written for the Sex Bloggers for Mental Health meme often and this is something I plan to rectify in 2020.

On 10th January I wrote this Friday Flash post and although I haven’t written much fiction in 2019 I managed two in January. My goal in 2020 will be at least one piece of fiction per month.

Being mainly confined to home, I wrote 27 posts in January, which set me up pretty well for February photofest.

February

My 7th highest post / category of all time is my February Photofest one for 2019. I posted 36 times, so it obviously wasn’t all about the images. I began to show bits of my body, and especially noticeable are the radiotherapy burns visible on any photo showing my chest.

Tell me about, which is co-run by Missy and Sweetgirl, have led to some reflective and thought provoking posts in 2019. This one, about showing my own vulnerability, is no exception.

Love Lock, is a fiction piece about genital piercings used to provide female chastity. I’ve now linked it to my most popular post ever – Chastity, does a girl need to be locked in? Something I did following a talk by Girl on the Net at Eroticon (more of that event below).

March

There were 19 posts in March, and two of my favourites are photos posted for Sinful Sunday. This one, Double Exposure was for the prompt week at the beginning of the month and Birthday Breakfast at the very end on Master’s birthday. Both were taken in hotel bedrooms and I am thankful that we have the opportunity to travel both here and abroad and to stay in some fabulous places. In these relaxed environments I have begun to feel able to share photos of my body again.

The other notable event was Eroticon, which I wrote about here. As the conference rolls around again soon, I am really excited to catch up with old friends and to meet new people.

April

Once again I joined in with the Blogging A-Z, this time using my blog history to examine how my journey has progressed. I found it a useful reflective tool which showed me how I have changed (or not) along the way. I posted 29 times, often combing other memes with the Blogging A-Z one. While I said afterwards that I wouldn’t participate again, I have an idea so I just might!

Favourite posts from this month were this one, of Master in the Swing of Relaxation and this one entitled Kinky. Both include images taken at STOXX which is sadly no longer available to rent.

May

Of the 22 blog posts for May, several are especially memorable. On 1st I wrote my Confessions of an unruly slave for The Erotic Journal Challenge. Brigit’s prompts are thought provoking and now they are monthly I’m better able to join in with them all. I think that particular post sums me up. I want to be the perfect slave, but often fall short.

Unmentionable has turned out to be particularly popular in terms of traffic. This is in no small way due to being placed in the top 3 posts for Elust #119. I would highly recommend submitting to Elust to help broaden your readership.

At the end of May we toured around Holland and Belgium for a week, during which time we were lucky enough to meet up with Marie Rebel and Master T. We enjoyed a lovely afternoon / evening together which I write about here. I’m looking forward to seeing both at Eroticon in March.

The following day we travelled to Amsterdam where we stayed in the Kinky Suite. My review is here.

June

Once again I joined Every Damn Day in June on Hy’s blog, and while I didn’t manage to post every day I did manage 29 posts. I participated in my first Lingerie is for everyone meme with this post. There’s new lingerie for 2020, so, I will be participating again soon.

I discovered a friend had passed away in April, but didn’t know until mid June. I wrote about him here.

July

We left for France at the beginning of July. Somehow I had run out of steam and was a bit out of love with writing and posting. So, there wee only 4 posts, one of which was Elust. Lazy days and hot nights sums up the month.

August

We were away for the majority of August too. But despite being on a boat with no Wifi for a week I still managed to write 12 blog posts. My favourite photo, posted for Sinful Sunday was this one – Topless. At last I was getting my mojo back!

On 29th I wrote about some issues I’ve been having with elusive orgasms. I’m pleased to say that the strategies we have been taking since seem to be helping.

September

This month we returned to CMnf after a break of a year and my mastectomy. I wrote here, about the wonderful reception I received. Sun kissed skin was a favourite photo, posted for Wicked Wednesday. How I love the feeling of the sun on my skin. Something to think about in the middle of winter!

The Smutathon took place at the end of September and while I wasn’t a participant, I wrote this post about abortion to link in with something that I consider a very important cause.

October

My Kissing Vignettes post for Food For Thought was in hindsight a way of edging myself back towards writing fiction. The post is based on some happy memories, but with a little artistic licence thrown in. The other of my 15 posts during October that I want to highlight is this one.

I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer last year during awareness month. My Breast Care Nurse warned me at the time to steer clear of the internet and I can understand why. This year, May More contacted me to ask if I was happy for her to write something to raise awareness, which of course I was. She inspired me to write the post above.

November

My Sinful Sunday post for November didn’t conform to the set prompt. But having the image available to use, I just had to post it. Molly and many others retweeted my post and then it and then it was chosen as one of the top Sinful Sunday posts that week, despite not being related to the prompt. I still feel proud and positive about this image. It has gone on to be the 6th most viewed post of all time (not just this year). And was partly responsible for my best ever blog stats that month.

My post – Submissive Training is it necessary for Tell Me About has proved immensely popular, and is currently number 8 on the all time list. The other of my 19 posts for November to highlight is this one. Bedroom Talk is another post based on reality, but which lends itself to a kind of faction (when you kind of remember stuff but have to elaborate). I posted this on Masturbation Monday.

December

That Bedroom Talk post inspired me to actually write some fiction. I’m really proud of An Advent Diary and am thinking of making it into a rolling story through the year. Perhaps the next instalment will be around Valentines……

At the beginning of December I was happy and proud to find that I was once again recognised in the Top 100 Sex Blogger List. This year I am at 32. My aim is for a top 10 spot, which will need some work both in terms of content and blog structure. I’m up for a challenge,

F4Thought

Indulgence, vice and all things nice

Key lime pie

It’s catchup week on Food 4 Thought and what better time to think about these things than at Christmas. A time of indulgence, being a bit naughty and doing nice things. The worst of this year’s Christmas indulgence is behind me as I write this. But, that means I have the opportunity to think ahead.

Indulgence

I’ve been eating things that I had excluded from my diet (chocolate, pastry, the key lime pie I ate on Christmas Eve). I’ve been drinking a little too much alcohol for a couple of weeks now (since our trip to Amsterdam). I’m an all or nothing person when it comes to those kinds of indulgences. But actually it’s all part of living life to the full while trying to make more health choices.

Staying with my mum wasn’t an indulgence of any kind. She refuses to moderate her smoking habit in our presence, insists on watching rubbish on TV and picks a fight if and when she can. So, that meant that when we arrived at our hotel just and hour away, on Boxing Day afternoon I embraced the atmosphere. It wasn’t anywhere special, just comfortable, relaxed and friendly. Everything we had been missing over the previous two. We had already had an early lunch with my son and his wife and now had some down time. We could have headed to the room and slept or maybe indulged in some sex. But no, we just relaxed in the bar and enjoyed our own company and the enjoyment of those around us.

Later we walked to my daughter in law’s parents house and were warmly welcomed. They were fabulous hosts and we had an amazing time. All of my stresses of the previous 5 days or so were swept away.

That night as I lay in bed, it occurred to me that you don’t need to spend lots of money or be somewhere luxurious to feel indulged. Plus that one good day can help undo many bad ones.

Vice

Goodness we’ve had some great fun this year. We’ve stayed in a couple of kinky B&B places (in the UK and in Amsterdam). We’ve been to club events and we’ve made some new kinky friends. We also attended Eroticon and were able to meet up with many more people from the blog and twitter world. I’ll write more about that in a separate post.

We have great naughty stuff to look forward to too. A different club to attend in January – it’s time to spread our BDSM kink wings this year. Hopefully there’ll be more play times both at home and with our new friends. There’s Eroticon to look forward to in just under 3 months, something I’m really looking forward to.

Plus, there will hopefully be new and different experiences that I don’t even know about yet. That’s the nature of things round here, I often don’t even know what’s going to happen until it actually has.

Nice things

Master has a big birthday coming up at the end of March. He’s still deciding where to go to celebrate. I’m hoping for warm weather, but will be happy with wherever he choses. We are also thinking ahead to the summer holidays and Spain and France (different route and different cities to this year).

I have a new planner that I am going to break out perhaps later today. My mind is swirling with ideas for this blog and my new one.

Yes folks I have a new, vanilla blog. It’s about my need and desire to get fitter and healthier in 2020. It’s also about all things physical and mental health for anyone who’s interested. I’m going to be inviting guest bloggers, linking and ideas from those around me (that means you if you are reading this). It won’t be about telling others what they should do, but about creating a safe and healthy space to share ideas. The link will go up here very soon.

As for this blog, well a new image is overdue. Plus some goals for what I write and how I respond to others.

I’m hoping to get some paid work soon too, because you can’t continue to do new things without money. While most of that will be in my vanilla world. I am definitely going to take the plunge and start pithing my writing. It is time to make my Smutlancer membership pay.

I’m not sure if the planned surgery is a nice thing or not. Losing the weight I need to get that far will be. After recovery and being able to wear clothes with a more plunging neckline will be too.

So, on that positive note, I’m signing off. But don’t go away, there’ll be more here and elsewhere very soon!

F4Thought

Christmas stresses

The run up to Christmas has been a little fraught. It shouldn’t have been, but a series of events at the weekend seem to have sent me off kilter. So much so that I am really not looking forward to the journey to my mum’s later today. I truly wish we were staying at home. However we must go and spend two nights with her, even though she won’t be at all grateful. What’s more she will probably spend most her waking hours watching TV. Something she never did in the past. So, back to the series of events.

Friday

We went into London and saw a film. It was a Danish film, Ordet (The Word), made in 1955. It is very well made and obviously subtitled. But it was really quite harrowing and very moving. A woman dies following childbirth and is subsequently resurrected by her brother in law who believes himself to be Jesus Christ. At the time I wondered if this was a suitable and fitting film so close to Christmas, but on reflection it probably was. Since it is about the small mindedness of people and the way in which we disregard people we believe to be mad. I’ve been thinking about it ever since.

Saturday

We arrived home late on Friday night, but I slept well. I was up early on Saturday morning and set off to my mum’s at about 10. She has been completely disinterested in Christmas this year. I’ve found her irritating, though I know she is down because of a fall she had a few weeks ago. This resulted in a leg ulcer which the nurse at the GP surgery has been dressing. Thankfully it is healing, but she has been very miserable about it. Worried I would be late, I didn’t stop off to pick up the parcel I needed to collect from the post office. Instead I headed straight onto the motorway.

Traffic was quite heavy, the road was wet though it was a sunny morning. It had obviously rained a lot over night. People were driving erratically, speeding up and slowing down and changing lane – a lot!. Only 20 minutes into my journey the cars ahead of me slowed and then the one in front stopped. I was in the outside lane of a busy motorway, driving at about 50 mph. But I stopped and didn’t hit the car in front. Unfortunately the car behind me hit me and then behind us was absolute carnage. Thankfully no one hit the car that hit me, but behind people crashed into each other at an alarming rate. I looked back with horror that I had caused it all. Though of course I hadn’t. Thankfully no one was badly hurt or killed, we all had an amazingly lucky escape.

My mum was very understanding that I needed to turn round and go home. I felt nervous just driving those few miles. The car is drivable but damaged quite badly at the back. So of course there was the insurance company to call etc. Later I called mum and said Master and I would travel there for the day on Sunday, get the shopping and take her out for some dinner. She didn’t sound happy, but accepted it.

In the evening we went to our local pub. They had an older couple running a disco, of old favourites. We got up to dance and had a fabulous time. Unfortunately someone dropped some of their drink on the floor and next thing I was on my backside. I had bashed my knee and almost did the splits. Still, no massive damage I thought and we walked home.

Sunday

I woke realising that I probably should have put an ice pack on my knee before going to bed. It was really painful and swollen. However I can walk on it and I don’t think it’s anything serious. It still hurts but is getting better each day now.

We set off for Mum’s in good time to get to the shops etc (Master drove). But for some reason I didn’t realise that they would all close at 4pm (usual Sunday trading times). We got to her in good time, but she was watching an old film. I tried a couple of times to get her to go out before the end of the film, she was recording it on her sky box anyway. At one point during that hour, she stated that she has little interest in Christmas this year!.

Anyway by the time we got out of the house and to the supermarket it was closing in 5 minutes. So we went and had dinner early. Then we went back to her place, I wrapped up some of the presents I had bought for her to give to other people. Then we left. I don’t begrudge seeking her, but neither of us were happy that we had travelled 4 hours (there and back) for a rather substandard meal out and everything still to do on Monday.

We did have a lovely bath together after we went home which was great for my sore knee.

Monday

We went out in the morning to buy presents for my 5 nephews and nieces on my mums behalf. We then bought all the food to take to her place. Unable to find some of the items I wanted in our local supermarket we then walked back down into town. Probably not the best thing for my knee, but it felt par for the course.

Tuesday (Christmas Eve)

I feel better for writing this quite whiny post. I’ve collected my brother’s present from the post office (see Saturday). The car in booked in to be repaired on Monday next week and I’ll have a hire car.

Sitting here writing this I feel grateful that I am going to be able to see my mum and other family. I have a day with my son and daughter in law to look forward to on Thursday and of course Master and I will be together. The events on Saturday could so easily have changed everything.

But I do hope my mum cheers up today (she has some grandchildren visiting this afternoon). Because I really want to be happy and not miserable myself.

Next year, I would like to go away. Let’s see what happens.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

#Elust 125

Photo courtesy of Focused and Filthy

Welcome to Elust 125

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #125? Start with the rules, come back January 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

For Love

Apologise

I got that Dominant Feeling

 

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Observing a Sex blogger or Two by Mr More
The cutie pie and the sex toy, Part 2

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Erotic Fiction

Lelia, Interrupted
The Flight
Helping Hand (a Husband’s Fantasy)
The Sexual Torture Wave
Room 26 – Pearce (A Life of Pleasure Part 2)

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

That Little Click
Learning to Be Friends Again
5 Reasons Why Unsolicited Dick Pics Aren’t Ok
My partner is FB official with my metamour

Body Talk & Sexual Health

You Like That, Don’t You? -A Submissive’s Str

Erotic Non-Fiction

Silk
The Bodyguard, Part I
A Dirty Treat

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

5 Countries Where Sex Toys Are Illegal
Mainstream Chastity?

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Submissive Training is it necessary?
Cum tribute me

Blogging

Plan your multitasking…
Spam bot or sex worker?

Books and Movies

Secret Diary of Call Girl: Celluloid Dungeon
 

Elust

A night in Amsterdam

We’ve travelled to Amsterdam many times in the past (almost) 6 years. Many times I’ve wanted to grab an outside shot for Sinful Sunday. But it is just such a busy place. Yes, there are lots of tourists, but also students, residents and those that walk around (or cycle) for the fun of it. You are hard pressed to find any bridge, at any time that is quiet enough. Last weekend, on the Sunday night we managed this photo. It was a cold and wet night, hence the excess clothing, but I managed to get my bottom out at least. This is an unedited photo of a night in Amsterdam.

If you know the area: Guess the Bridge!

Sinful Sunday

Lies

I lived with a man who told so many lies that  I’m sure he grew to believe them. They mainly involved the reasons he would be late home, not home at all or unable to get to events involving his son. Sometimes I believed his lies too because It was easier and felt safer.

Plus, I could repeat the lies to family members and friends. For example: “B (my ex)  can’t come to your wedding because he is working away from home, so I’ll go on my own. What kind of man does that to his new wife?

On more than one occassion we met a few streets from my parents house and then arrived together, so they wouldn’t know. It’s a mystery to me why I carried on ths pretense for so long.

I’m essentially a truthful person, I tend to tell the truth even when I know the truth will hurt. Which is why I am puzzled that I got so good at telling lies to others. And why I got so bad at acknowledging that they were lies. However it is a world I will never inhabit again.

But I have lied in my life.

Childhood untruths

I found it difficult to make friends at school and told some absolute woppers to try to get people to like me. At age 5 I told my teacher my mum had given birth to my brother, I drew a picture of the whole family. My mum was pregnant at the time, but hadn’t had my brother yet. She went to school to tell the teacher I had chicken pox, she was most surprised mum was quite so fat. But no harm done. The next one was terrible – I am embarrassed to admit that in the first year of secondary school I told people I’d had a sister and she had died. This was a definite attempt to get friends. It backfired and I had to admit the terrible lie. But later I did make plenty of school friends, some of whom are still friends today.

I usually blushed when lying so I quickly learned it was a bad thing to do. My husband was on a different planet when it came to telling lies.

Being married to a liar

I’ve mentioned in the introduction above some of the lies B told. It became so much part of our lives that the lies even tripped off my tongue. Where was he? Working. When would he be home? Later tonight.

At the end of our relationship he told me and my son that he was helping the homeless at Christmas. We were forced to tell his family the lie. They didn’t believe it any more than we did. I’ve never asked it it was true, I want to believe it is. But I suspect it was a lie. It’s also the last one I let him tell. The last one that I used as an excuse for his short comings. A few weeks after that I met Master and since then I’ve told the truth, even it it hurt to do so.

I want to see the best in people

So, I tend to believe them even when the evidence says otherwise. It took another man I was friends with to get me to believe my husband was lying about working away from home. It took my brother to photograph B’s car outside his now partner’s house for me to believe he was living with her.

People have told massive lies at work to cover up things they haven’t done. Others have stolen my work and passed it as their own. But until the moment that I can see what has really happened I don’t want to believe it.

Maybe it is because of the lie I told as secondary school that makes me think no one else could tell lies so bad.

White lies and hurtful lies

I try not to lie these days. I might lie by omission from time to time. For example not telling my mum I have been out with my brother because she would want to come too. But in the main I try not to. I hate that if you tell one lie you will often need to tell another and another. But also I hate to be lied to. So hate to do it to others.

As I get older I have begun to see that being truthful is more important. That no matter how bad the truth is, lying is worse. When my son was a teenager he lied to me about taking drugs. The conversation we had after that has stuck with me. I told him I would rather no than be lied to and since then he has always told me the truth. It isn’t always easy to be told things you don’t want to hear. But in the end the truth rarely hurts as much as a lie. And sometimes a lie lives with you forever – why on earth would I tell people I had a sister and that she had died. I regret that lie so much.

I wonder if B regrets the lies he told me. It likely he does.

F4Thought

Personal reflections on 2019

As usual I will be posting a few reflective posts in the coming couple of weeks. About my own blogging milestones, as well as shouting out about my fellow sex bloggers and writers. I plan to articulate my goals for 2020 too. But this post reflects on 2019 for me personally. The ways in which I have struggled, but also where I feel I have grown as a person.

The end of 2018 was pretty shitty. I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in September and had a mastectomy in October. The very end of the year was somewhat brighter with my son’s wedding on 29th December. But I didn’t exactly feel good about myself. I’m not keen on the photos taken of me on the day partly because my dress definitely didn’t flatter. But also my makeup was wrong my mum caused me a lot of stress. It was a lovely day and I was a proud mum of the groom, but it was that day that set up how 2019 needed to be different.

I have always been someone who puts others first. I worry about what other people need and then consider myself. But in January I was waiting for my radiotherapy treatment to start, so prepared others that I would need to put that first. From 10th January, for 15 days we travelled to the cancer centre for treatment. But the effects; fatigue, soreness and general malaise lasted well into February. The emotional recovery though has taken much longer. It’s only now I can say that I am over the psychological effects of the cancer diagnosis, surgery and treatment.

The impact of having one breast

Before I’d had breast cancer, I didn’t understand just how important a complete body is. I’ve been overweight for the past 10 years or more, but can usually find a way to feel good in my body despite it. I’d never had surgery, so other than a few stretch marks, no blemishes. My tits were pretty good for a woman of my age. Losing one of them has at times felt like a tragedy. It has led to me feeling less happy with the remaining breast and in me losing interest in it being touched. Weird I used to be able to orgasm through nipple play. I’m sure this is a psychological, not physical thing. But it does relate to the knowledge that the right breast is missing and that what remains is numb. A physical reality and not a psychological one.

Overcoming my fears

Being a sex blogger who posts photos of herself has been useful in my recovery. It’s true I could have shut myself away and not spoken of it to anyone. But that isn’t me. First and foremost I blogged about my recovery for me. I wanted to show others what it looked like and to demonstrate that while a mastectomy is a horrible thing to have to go through, there is life afterwards. At my son’s wedding I felt incomplete even though no one could tell. I bought a dress with a higher neckline than suits me because I didn’t want to show cleavage. I guess it was just too soon.

Eroticon helped my recovery journey immensely. I got the opportunity to take part in a group photo and went topless for it. That was the first time I had shown anyone other than health professionals and Master my new body. That occasion and the response to it helped drive me on. And since then I’ve been back to CMnf, taken my clothes off in a hot tub with others present and been naked at a couple of play events. I have also begun to post photos on my blog that show me breast, scars and all. I feel self conscious when naked in front of people, but am able to forget and be myself.

Weirdly though, while on holiday with my mum, I was very careful not to show her my body. I’m not sure why. But maybe it has more to do with our relationship than the fact I have only one tit. After all it isn’t as if she doesn’t know. I also find I prefer wearing a bra rather than going lop sided. Even though I doubt most people would even notice. This made my holidays this summer hot and uncomfortable at times.

The future isn’t plain sailing

I’m on the waiting list for a DIEP reconstruction. This will mean surgery to my abdomen to taken fat and skin for reconstruction as a breast. A huge operation which will give me more scars and a new breast that looks different from the other. But in clothes I will be able to look ‘normal’ again.

At least this surgery is planned. There will be time to talk to others who have had surgery. Time also to lose weight. My tummy will be flatter afterwards which has to be a great side effect. But this won’t give me my body back and make me look as I did before. I’ll need to have a nipple created later and this will include a tattoo.

Looking back I was feeling pretty fragile this time last year. Even though I’d been told I was cured, the uncertainties around the diagnosis lingered around me. Treatment was physically tiring and emotionally draining. But I was focused on getting through and in coming to terms with what had happened. I might not be wild about how I look right now, but I am in a much better place to cope with whatever the future throws my way and that is a massive achievement.

Thank you to all of my fellow bloggers that have helped me along the way, particularly May More, Molly Moore and Posy Churchgate, all of whom have been there for me along the way.

My Breast Cancer Posts are here

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

The mirror of positivity

We are spending the weekend in an Airbnb in Amsterdam. Mostly we hae been spending time with a friend who is not in such a good plae right now. But also having some fun. Sadly there is no great view as the large window in our bedroom overooks a drab courtyard Outside revealing shots are tricky as it has been very cold and wet. But in the kitchen area is a wonderful mirror, covered in wonderfuly positive words. I’ve nmed it the mirror of positivity. So, this week’s Sinful Sunday image is a simple selfie taken of me reflected in the mirror of positivity.

Sinful Sunday