Being a Leo

A female lion watched by a male

I’d like to say that I don’t believe a word of what is written about astrology and star signs. But I do. Being a Leo means I am a lion, the queen of the jungle. Apparently vivacious, theatrical and passionate. I would believe in astrology less if more of what I read about Leo’s were less true of me. You see, I really do like to be centre stage. And I like attention to be all about me. Unfortunately this has been one of the main problems in my life. You see, my mum is also a Leo.

My relationship with my mum

My mum has always put our challenging relationship down to the fact we are so similar. This is probably a genetic issue, we do look quite alike and I know I have similar mannerisms (though I hate to admit it). But there is something more to it and I think the problem is that we are both Leos. But worse than that our birthdays are one day apart. I can think of very few times when she has given way for me on the celebration front. She has conveniently forgotten on many occasions that I might like to celebrate my birthday too and not necessarily with her. The one occasion that she did put me first was when she held my nan’s funeral on her birthday rather than mine.

However my Leo mother is now 80 and I am 57, so there is nothing to do but live with our differences. The fact that she gets lonely is not only to do with the fact she wants people to put her first. But also because she is a widow and lives alone. Unfortunately she speaks first and thinks second and this has alienated her from people. Making her more lonely. However, she is my mum and I do love her and so where others stay away, I am unable to.

Leos and love

My ex husband is Libra, this is meant to be a good match for a Leo and in a way it was. He was happy for me to have the limelight. Happy to do things I wanted, so long as I got him to think that he had thought of it. But his main problem was his inability to make a decision. He hates to rock the boat and dislikes change. In the end, some of those traits drove me mad. Of course, his star sign had no bearing on me deciding to marry him. That would be stupid. Though I met a woman once who took a dislike to my husband because he was a Libra just like her ex. And that was without even knowing him.

Master is an Aries, as was Steve. Both are assertive. Steve might have been a bit more energetic (he was such a whirlwind at times he made me feel exhausted). Apparently for people born under Aries the seduction is worth more than the lay. This was true for Steve as he always seemed to be ticking off a bucket list. Once he had done them he moved on; he certainly did that with me.

Master and I are a much more compatible Aries / Leo combo. He is an attentive lover. We love and trust each other and I have no intention of allowing this to change. My problems with my ex were trust based and for me this is important.

It’s not the only thing to consider

While I am interested in the general traits that are attributed to the various star signs, I am not an avid watcher or believer in horoscopes. I believe it is possible, with a lot of information for someone who has knowledge of astrology, to make lifestyle predictions. But I don’t believe that the stuff peddled online or in newspapers is valid.

This is my horoscope for today:

Young visitors bring out the best in you today. Have you prepared some delicious food for your guests? When you want to, you can be a great host, keeping guests entertained and even enthralled. In return, they’re thoroughly enjoyable company. This should be a happy interlude for you since you like being sociable. You may receive a welcome delivery some time during the day, too.

Horoscope.com

It’s true I am a good host and like good company. I am sociable, but I wouldn’t wait in for visitors that don’t arrive on this basis. Or maybe I should have invited some random young people to visit! But the same page does say my love interest today is Aries and that of course is true. He is my love interest everyday.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

The things we do fo love

Like walking in the rain and the snow
When there’s nowhere to go
And you’re feelin’ like a part of you is dying
And you’re looking for the answer in her eyes
You think you’re gonna break up
Then she says she wants to make up

The things we do for love…….

10cc

The lyrics above are what I first thought of when I saw the F4T prompt. I bought the album about the time I first went out with my future husband. I was young and impressionable and did quite a lot for love. The song is about communication and compromise. I’d have done well to read and digest the lyrics, but I was only 15 at the time. I was more interested in singing along and listening to the other tracks on the album (Live and let Live).

The things I’ve done for love in the past
  • Stayed after infidelity for the love of my child (I’ve written about this a lot)
  • Got myself into debt for the love of a man and child, as well as a desire for material goods – Funnily enough it was in my name and not his. But I also got us out of it, so yay for me.
  • Been on holiday with family to places I didn’t choose – Tunisia when I wanted to go to Rhodes springs immediately to mind.
  • Spent numerous family days at my parents when I’d rather have been at home. Especially at Christmas. I am doing it again this year to prevent my mum being alone. A lot of the things I do for my mum are for love because she is quite a difficult person to like.
  • Cared for my dad when he was dying. Trouble was quite a lot of the nursing staff left me to it. After all I am a nurse. My brothers were also a bit frightened and I cared for them and my mum too. I wouldn’t change this for the world however.
  • Tried to smooth things between my ex and my son. But I now recognise it’s time to leave them to it.
The things I do for love now

Over the past few years I have done more things for the love of myself than others. This wasn’t always the case. But also I am fortunate to have the love of a man who cares for me in a way I never thought possible. This love started without the expectations of the one with my ex. We were much much older and got together knowing that we both had an interest in sex, kink, Dominance and submission. What emerged was much much more.

With Master I have learned to be the slave he wanted and I have agreed to things I doubt I would with anyone else. One of the main things that fall in that category links back to the GOTN post mentioned on the prompt page – Piss play. It’s his kink and not really mine, but I will let him piss on me and am happy to p on him. I pretty much would do anything he asks when it comes to kink.

That’s why I offered up my limits when I agreed to become his slave. I trust Master to make those decisions for me. I do know that I can say no but will rarely do so. But partly that is because he will usually discuss things with me before he tries something new.

However, our life isn’t just about kink, far from it. I’ve grown to like quite a lot of classical music because of his interest. I go to plays and events I would never have even known about and have visited places on the basis he had been there and liked them. Some of it I wouldn’t do on my own, but am happy to be there with him. Other things I find I enjoy and would be there even if he wasn’t.

But the best thing really is that we get to be together, explore new things, go to new places and learn from our mistakes. One of the best things is that the things I do for love now are also things he does for love too. That includes visiting my mum at Christmas when he would rather be at home.

F4Thought

Touch me

My pierced nipple shows between his fingers as he rests his hand upon my breast.

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.”

Henri Nouwen

Sinful Sunday

Resetting our relationship dynamic

All relationships change over time. After the first flush of excitement of a new relationship we settle into a routine. But over time, physical and/ or emotional needs will alter and this can lead to problems. One aspect of a power exchange relationship that is usually different from vanilla, is communication. For us, listening and watching for signs that things aren’t right has been fundamental.

The start

It’s nearly 6 years since Master and I got together. Those initial months were spent getting to know each other and working out the rules of our relationship. By that I don’t just mean those set our within our dynamic. But also the unwritten, unsaid stuff that makes you a couple. We didn’t live together, but gradually we began to spend most weekends together. Then to go out in the week if something came up.

Master bought me items of fetish clothing or new toys and introduced them for play and sex, and gradually there were changes to our dynamic. Going out without panties or a bra. Wearing sexier clothing or dressing up for him, was all new at the time.

The first reset came when Master decided to end his relationship with his primary slave. Before that we had assumed that our relationship would only survive in that form until his slave joined him from America. When we knew that wouldn’t happen, we settled into forming a more lasting connection.

A collar and commitment

Master collared me once we were both sure that we wanted to commit to each other. Also that we were free to do so, our previous relationships firmly in the past. Wearing his collar affirmed my status, to us but also to others. Other signs, such as my piercings came earlier, but it was the collar that signified his ownership. My slavery.

We have always led a busy social life, travelled and of course I was working. Reminding ourselves of the need to reset, to remember that we were Master and slave was necessary. Rules tended to slip. The submission that I had felt so keenly at the beginning often felt out of reach. Taking the time to talk about what we wanted and needed was important. But also finding time and energy for play was equally important.

That’s how we came to attend local Munches regularly and eventually get to a kink club for play. They provide a timely reminder of that aspect of our life.

Living together

We both assumed that when I moved in, we would at last get the opportunity to be the Master / slave that we had always imagined. To some extent that has been true. However we failed to factor in the changes that would occur due to my breast cancer.

In some ways being his slave allowed me to rely on Master in a way I might previously found intolerable. He wanted to care for me, but not smother me. Of course, that might be his personality. But equally the depth of communication between us helped at appointments and afterwards.

Looking back I see that the romantic idea of me being the sex and house slave of fiction was just that. Actually our relationship has rarely been about bondage, pain and nakedness, but instead control and ownership. It is he who makes the final decisions, and it is me who needs to be sure I am conducting myself in the way he prefers. I am now a kept woman and he has some financial control over me, though I do still have some money and spend it as I wish. But I don’t make large purchases without discussion. There are no secrets in this relationship, this is not a rule but it feels that having them would be wrong. A fundamental breach of what our relationship is about.

Our sex life is kinky, as it always was. Now though we have more time for sex. Our preference is in the morning, and we are in a fortunate position that we can indulge that. To outsiders we seem as we always have. We are a couple, partners. Adjustments from now will hopefully be small. But no doubt we will reset as we move on. I think that healthy relationships need that to continue.

tellmeabout

Faking orgasm

Kitagawa Utamaro (Japanese, ca. 1754–1806)

I’m pleased to say that I suggested this week’s Food for Thought prompt. A few weeks ago I read survey conducted by Kinkly.com on Faking Orgasms. The writers there had read a couple of other smaller surveys and conducted one of their own. 1232 people of different ages, gender and sexual orientation. What interested me was the headline that 80% of respondents had faked orgasms at least once in their life. Not surprisingly (well to me anyway) women fake it more than men. Reasons for faking included: wanting the encounter to end, wanting the other person to feel good and not wanting the other person to feel bad. There’s loads more to read from the survey – see the link above.

But, what is my experience?

Have I faked it and why?

I’m sorry to say only too often. Not recently but with my husband. I could count on one hand the number of times he made me come. Mainly this was because he didn’t take the time to learn about my body. We were young when we met, both virgins. I didn’t really know what a female orgasm was, let alone what it felt like. It was years before I realised how much pleasure there was to be had from touching and being touched.

For years sex was about him. Once he had come, the encounter was over. Foreplay was a bit of breast and cunt groping. I think I’ve written here before that this was a man who could fit in PIV sex during a TV commercial break.

I bought myself toys and he found or saw them. So wanted us to play with them and after that felt I ought to come too (I am simplifying things a little here)! So, given that having an orgasm took time, that his fingers weren’t as good as my toys and that I rarely came from vaginal sex, I faked it.

Me faking it made him feel good but it made me feel bad. I’d often come later after he was asleep. Some relationship history can be read here

Do I fake it now?

No because I have no need. Orgasms in this relationship are a gift and are offered frequently. Master is a man who has learned about my body and who who loves to see me come. He also owns the orgasms and by doing so has taken the pressure away from me. They are no longer something I have to do alone. Nor are they something I crave, but never get. Instead he forces them from me, sometimes many times in one session.

From early in our relationship Master conditioned me to come on demand. By touching me and counting down then telling me to come. Over time I was able to come almost without him touching me. But always those orgasms are his, arrive when permission is granted and always I thank him afterwards.

I can hand on heart say I have never faked an orgasm with Master.

Recent troubles

Whether it is being post menopausal. Or because of the hormone inhibitors I take, my orgasms have dried up a little recently. In that I seem less able to come on demand. But rather than pretend, I tell him that I can’t or haven’t come yet. That I can do this is down to the trust between us and because I know he understands.

So we have taken to using our magic wand vibrator more and this has reignited my orgasms in a powerful way. When one of those arrives, there is no faking!

F4Thought

What do you see?

We love to observe the people around us and wonder about their lives. We often question whether those people even see us. The focus often seems to be each other or their phone. Indeed I wonder whether some people are aware of their surroundings at all. I like to watch people, I like that Master likes to watch me and I’m increasingly happy for people to see me at my most vulnerable.

Watch and see

There is nothing better than sitting outside a cafe, pub or restaurant and watching people walk past, sit down with friends or lovers. We often notice that one person monopolises the conversation, or we see friends that don’t interact unless they have something from their phone to see. We look at body language, are they lovers, is this the end of a relationship or are they on a first date. It is fascinating. But you know, I don’t think it is something everyone does. Indeed my own son told me off for discussing other diners with Master. “It isn’t kind” he said. Funny thing is I don’t believe we were being unkind, just seeing and observing.

Being observed

Sometimes, when I am dressing in the morning I will see Master looking at me. I’ll ask him what he is doing and he will say that he is looking at me. That he loves to look at me. That he enjoys my body. There was a time when I would have been embarrassed by this. Why does he want to look at me – an overweight, middle aged woman. But I am his lover, his slave and he loves me and my body. They body that he owns and possesses.

I think he sees a different me to the one I do when I look in the mirror. It is only when I look at photos like the one I posted for Sinful Sunday this week, that I realise. That I am able to see a little of what others do. That I am proud and happy. He is responsible, in no small part to the confidence I feel. And that is a great

Letting people see me

All of me. I wrote recently about our return to CMnf. I know people do look at each other there. Because people spoke to me about my body. I know that they like to watch the public play and that from that they may learn from each other. Or else it gives them the confidence to play in public too.

The first time I was very nervous. But now, I find I can shut out the people and things around me and settle into the moment. I am not worried I am being watched, in fact I really love it.

Kink clubs usually (for very good reasons), have a no phone rule. People are there to see and be seen. To meet up and chat. To play and to perform. That people are naked or dressed in fetish gear is part of the fun of those events. Their clothes, nakedness and demeanour is saying – look at me. Of course, we love to people watch there too. To wonder about them and their lives. Occasionally too we get to know others and find out the reality. And that’s what happened to us last time.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Female Chastity – Physical or Emotional

Over the past year or so my Kink of the Week post on female chastity has been one of the most frequently read on my blog. I admit to being fascinated by the concept of physical chastity devices. Though I have never worn one, I find the idea extremely erotic. That I, a submissive woman might be locked into a metal and leather device by my Master. Prevented from touching myself makes me wet. I imagine him leaving me at home, locked in while he leaves town. The idea of being unable to touch myself, masturbate, is almost enough to make me cum. However this is all part of my imagination. Because the truth is I am not wearing a device, he is here and I actually don’t touch myself without his permission anyway,

For me, wearing a chastity device is a fantasy, though I would love to try. My Master doesn’t tend to deny me orgasms, he is more likely to force them out of me. But denial is part of that fantasy. For this post I want to explore whether to be denied orgasms actually requires a device. Or whether the control of a Master is enough to stop a slave touching herself (unless instructed), masturbating or even orgasming. Indeed, are there slaves out there who have been deprived of an orgasm for more than a year. Yet wear no physical device. The answer to that one is: Yes there are.

Physical Chastity Devises

You can find pictures of the various devises available here on Pinterest. This article on Kink Closet provides all the information you need to help you choose the right device. That includes it’s purpose, how to measure yourself as well as advice on cleaning.

I especially like this particular model. It’s not something you’d want to be locked into for long periods, but the idea is pretty erotic. So much so that I’m going to write some erotica based on it. I’ll link back when it’s done.

There is plenty of female chastity erotica here on Literotica, which might be worth a look meantime.

My other fantasy for physical chastity is through the use of labial piercings. I wrote a piece of flash fiction about having my labia locked together. It’s certainly something I’d love to explore more. Of course, this is a more permanent type of solution, in that the labia are pierced and then joined by rings or bars.

Emotional Chastity

I hadn’t previously thought about orgasm control and denial as a form of chastity, but of course it is. We practice control, but not denial. This means that my orgasms belong to Master and he grants me permission to come. When I do, I thank him. Since we have been together I have rarely masturbated on my own and not at all in the time we have lived together. He loves to see and feel me orgasm, especially when his cock is deep inside me. On occasion we use a vibrator to make this happen. But whether or how I come depends on him. He is in charge and decides.

Other couples in power exchange relationships take orgasm denial to a different level. Littlegem writes in this post about how her husband and Dominant Purple Sole uses short periods of orgasm control and denial as a form of behavioural control. She also discusses how this increases her need to express her submission to him.

This is done without using a physical device or piercings. But through emotional control. I could go upstairs now and masturbate, but don’t because I know I mustn’t and because if I did I would have to tell Master what I had done. However the very thought that I have agreed to this rule reinforces my submission and also makes me want an orgasm more.

Blossom is a slave in a long distance M/s relationship she wrote on 15th October that she had been in orgasm denial for 650 days.

“never thought this would happen to this girl but it is happening and have to say am still enjoying every moment of it….of course one has her good and bad days….but all in all it has been good….hot, delicious moments….painful moments where one rubbed her clit so often that it hurt to touch”.

Physical vs Emotional

Physical female chastity is something of my imagination, desire and fantasy. But unlikely to become a reality for me. It looks like something to wear during play, or for a specific scene. But I know from the sheer amount of information available that this is a big kink for many people. It is also something that I find fascinating and will probably continue to read and write about.

Emotional chastity or control is a reality in my life and those of fellow bloggers. It isn’t something you need equipment for. But you will need a willing submissive or slave and time to develop a power exchange relationship.

Masturbation Monday

Reclaiming my blogging mojo

I’ve been struggling since the start of summer to get back into the swing of blogging. To regain my mojo. February, April and June were busy with daily (or almost) posts to keep up with various themes. I love to do these, but they are time consuming and tiring. They also use up a hell a lot of mental capacity to think and write.

So when I went on holiday in July I was pretty exhausted. I also took with me some paid work that needed completing by the end of that month. Despite having my laptop with me and having time to write I didn’t really feel in the mood for blogging.

Since returning home at the end of August I have continued to find ideas difficult to come by. I’ve mainly stuck to weekly memes, but constantly worry that I am repeating myself, sometimes more than once.

Becoming a Smutlancer

When I saw that Kayla and Molly had set up a Patreon group to support a community of writers and bloggers I decided to join. My thoughts back in early summer were that I would try to build the confidence to try to make more of my blog and maybe even get paid for writing. And while as I said above I have done little to make these things happen, I have enjoyed being part of a group. For $10 I get access to a Slack group and monthly Skype calls led by Kayla and Molly. They and the group as a whole through these two media have helped me begin to feel ready to get going once again. During the last call I realised that imposter syndrome is much more of an issue for me than I had imagined.

But ideas are also an issue. As is my frustration at not really wanting to write and not understanding why.

Using podcasts to help me reflect on my blogging

Increasingly I like to listen to the spoken word on a car journey. Certainly longer ones, like the two hours it takes to get to my mum’s. I’ve listened to a number of audio books during this time and on other occasions podcasts.

Yesterday I listened to the two most recent Smutlancer podcasts. In the first Molly and Kayla discussed burn out and the second Molly and Michael talked blog site statistics. I didn’t know before hand, but these two posts went so well together. My first lightbulb moment was in recognising that I have been burnt out. The punishing schedule of writing I set myself from January onwards pretty much wiped me out. No wonder I have struggled to string words together on a page. Both offered strategies they use for managing this issue. I came away with some thoughts for how I might avoid this in future. Or else forgive myself and allow a break to happen.

The interesting thing is that my blog stats took their usual dip in July and August and have begun to recover. There is a definite correlation between writing and traffic, but not to the extent you might think. Becoming obsessed with statistics is something Molly suggests we avoid. Micheal explained the webmaster tools available to review site traffic and then both discussed ways of using the information to decide what to write.

When I got home

The first thing I did (after lunch) was to examine my WordPress statistics and then to look at google analytics and webmaster. These gave me some key clues as to the posts that get best traffic and the words people use to find my blog. I have over 7 years of posts here on my blog and that is a lot of words! Just this year I have published over 200 posts and some years I have been even more prolific. This gives me a wonderful opportunity to plan posts going forward. Some will easily link to the weekly memes out there and others will be separate. The words and phrases such as ‘slave wife blog’, ‘BDSM slave blog’, ‘sex slave blog’, to name a few will certainly take me back to the roots and beginning of my blog.

So what is the purpose of this post? Firstly to share my new found excitement and enthusiasm and secondly to offer advice. If you need help and inspiration then go to the Smutlancer website for articles and podcasts. If you like the human interaction and can afford it join the Smutlancer community. Be kind to yourself and plan. For me, well I think it really is time to develop my blog, write more and pitch!

Being positive

This is prompt week on Sinful Sunday. But as I mentioned in my last post, I am not a lover of Halloween, therefore I make no excuse for not following the prompt.

Instead I want to show you another (in what might be a series) of photos where I proudly show you my body. I am preparing for my reconstructive surgery and as I do so feel better about sharing what my mastectomy looks like.

This is the third (and final) photo from our recent trip to Oxford. I think you can see here that I am much more at home in my body. More positive and confident. This has been a journey I don’t recommend, but one which I am happy to share.

I stand at the window of our hotel on a beautiful morning. The view behind is the historic buildings of the Oxford University Schook (back). I am standing proudly showing my body. I have one breast - the right removed in a mastectomy last year.
Sinful Sunday