This weeks F4T prompt is freedom. You would imagine that as a slave in a M/s relationship, my freedom would be limited in some way. But actually I feel more at liberty to do the things I want to do than at any point in my adult life. That’s partly because I have fewer responsibilities. But also because I feel safe and secure in my relationship. I have freedom to express myself, both here on this blog and also with Master.
The responsibilities of life
We all have to act within certain rules in life. No one is free to do as they wish – there are laws, moral codes and organisational rules. But while some people manage to exercise the freedom to be themselves within those confines, others feel constrained. For a long time I felt like that, even though I had a lot of freedom. I had a husband and son to care for (and the husband wasn’t low maintenance), a job and wider family. But still I had opportunities to go out with friends, read, study and shop for myself. However I felt trapped, unable to express myself, to be the person I wanted to be. Trouble was, I didn’t actually know what I wanted. Just not what I had.
For years and years I did nothing about it. I went to work, out with my husband, saw family and cared for my son. I was known for taking my nephews and nieces out for days and even on holiday. We were always doing something for someone and usually the main driver was me. I was my own worst enemy. But keeping my head down and getting on with it felt like the best approach, then I didn’t need to think about my own needs and desires. However that approach was not sustainable, not from anyway.
The life I have now has taken many years to achieve. One of the problems was I didn’t actually have a goal. Instead I just followed my heart and body. In hindsight, there is nothing wrong with this, but if I’d had a plan the journey may have been smoother.
Fear of making mistakes and of what others would think of me held me back. It stopped me seeking help when I needed it and made me internalise my problems.
I really don’t recommend cheating on your partner. But in the end it was the catalyst for working out what I wanted and needed. I was lucky that along the way I met someone that I really do want to spend the rest of my life with.
The by product is that my ex is also happier with his new partner. For a long time he denied it, since he claimed to still love me. But when I see him now I know that his new lady provides all of the things I detested. In particular she is better at mothering him. I always said that I had one child and didn’t need him to become another. Plus at the time he had a mother.
It’s strange that writing a sex and relationship based blog can provide freedom. But it does, and in a way that my previous work related one never could. Both were anonymous, at least to begin with. But I feared being outed and sacked for writing about the health service then I have writing about sex and BDSM.
This blog has evolved over time. I always wrote about my relationships including the break up of my marriage. But over the past couple of years I have felt more freedom to write anything. Though all of my posts are personal in some way, even the fiction. That’s why I decided to write about my cancer and also the reason there will be more posts about my diet and fitness. Now I am not working I have more time to be creative, and the freedom to do so. Trouble is words don’t automatically flow just because we want them to.
I love to write about the fun, BDSM related things we do. The new toys we try and the way in which we push our relationship and dynamic. I want to develop this blog, make it more dynamic. I want to write on a wider range of topics.
Master told me at the beginning of our relationship that he liked my blog and loved to read it. He told me that I would always have freedom to write as I wanted and I took this at face value. That doesn’t mean I don’t consider him and his feelings when I write. I’m not completely gungho. But my freedom to write and create is never restricted by him.
Freedom to be a submissive
In my former life I both loved and hated being free to make decisions. I was able to make them but grew weary from doing it. What to eat, where to go, work decisions, relationship decisions. It just went on and on. So to be given the opportunity to give up making some decisions has given me more freedom.
I don’t like being told what to do in all situations. But I do love it in the bedroom, during play and also in our wider life. Before I acted alone and didn’t consult because my ex was terrible at making decisions. But now I discuss everything and am happy for advice, a push or even for Master to decide for me (depending on what is required).
Being his submissive has made me happy and it has also given me more freedom to be myself than I new possible.