I am thankful

In the UK we don’t have a Thanksgiving celebration. But that’s not to say I don’t think it is important to express thanks for the people and things in my life. So, I am thankful to have the opportunity to join in with the Erotic Journal Challenge prompt for November.

Health

I saw the oncologist yesterday and am now on six monthly appointments between surgeon and oncologist. My first annual mammogram was clear and I am fit and well. I just need to get as fit as possible for the planned surgery some time next year. I take a daily tablet, which gives some irritating side effects. But nothing that I can’t manage. I am grateful for everything the health professionals have done over the past year and am very happy to be able to look forward fewer appointments.

Family

As Christmas approaches I am thankful for my family. I am looking forward in particular to spending time with my son and daughter in law. They celebrate a year of marriage at the end of the year – where has that time gone? We are going to spend a day at my son’s in laws, which will be something new.

My mum continues to cause me stress and irritation, but she is in reasonable health and I am grateful for that. One of my brothers causes untold anxiety and quite a bit of pain. But the other is a great support and we have become closer over the years. I am also looking forward to seeing some (if not all) of my nephews and nieces.

Master

I can’t describe how thankful I am that we found each other when we did and that we have the relationship we have. My life is good (as I write often) and I have few complaints. We have fun, visit new places and explore our kink sides as much as we can. But also we have settled into a life together and for that I am really grateful. Without him, I don’t think I’d have got through the cancer thing as well as I did. I know he is anxious about my operation next year, but is committed to helping me through as best he can.

Friends

I am so pleased we are able to attend Eroticon next spring. For a while I wasn’t sure we would. The most exciting thing is that many of the people I call friends from blog / twitter and previous Eroticons will be there. Not only that, but lots of them are speaking, which will make the choice of which sessions to attend even more difficult.

Before Christmas we are travelling to Amsterdam to see our friend their, I’m really looking forward to that few days away. We have an airbnb booked this time and I think it will be lots of fun.

Blog

This blog brings me so much pleasure. I’m so thankful I started it all that time ago, it really has given me a special place to call my own. Without the blog I doubt I would have met and become involved with such a wonderful community. This month I have had my largest ever number of visitors and views. In no small thanks to this photo, Molly and Sinful Sunday.

Blogging has become my passion this year so much more than it was. Partly as an outlet when I was feeling tired and fed up. But also as the means to exciting new opportunities. I’m planning something – an offshoot of this blog if you will – in the very near future. Once I’ve sorted the technical stuff I will say more. Plus I plan to make changes to this blog, in terms of it’s look and feel.

Finally I am in planning mode. As I said in my last post, I have realised I need to set goals and be more organised in my planning. So I won’t just say I’m going to do something, or more of another thing (like writing fiction or submitting posts), but I am going to actually set objectives for doing them. So watch this space for some of that too. The best thing I did in recent months is to join the Smutlancer community – I am really grateful to Kayla, Molly and all the other smutlancers for the encouragement and support.

Thank you too to Brigit Delaney for the Erotic Journal Challenge and this prompt.

Multitask?

Hardly! I can barely do one thing at a time.

That is partially true. I am better at being efficient and effective when I focus on that thing and get it done than when I try to do 2 or 3 things at once. But of course life doesn’t allow us the luxury of concentrating on that one thing and then moving on.

Work, managing a family, social life and blogging all require attention. But if I don’t work out what I need to do and get on with it, I am likely to try to do everything at once. Not literally perhaps, though I do often have several windows on my laptop open at once and of course there’s that important WhatsApp message to check. Next I remember I promised to call my mum and then there is the washing to take out of the machine. (Break here while I go and do it).

Planning

The secret to being productive is planning. I started the year with a fabulous planner and faithfully planned out whole months and then weeks of activity. For about half the year this worked well. I kept track of appointments (lots of them at hospitals), social events, birthdays and my blogging plans. But then life got busy, I took some paid work and things went wrong. I concentrated on the project (I did the planning) and got that done. I still managed to blog, but found it difficult to find the brain capacity for both. Next I went on holiday. Since then I’ve hardly planned anything other than in my head. Appointments are in the diary (often put there by Master), but blogging is more haphazard.

Multitasking in the way I have been doing lately is tiring. Keeping most plans in my head is crazy as I am not doing things in the right order. Plus I am forgetting important (though small) tasks.

Goal setting

When I finished work last year, I had all sorts of plans in mind. To have a prolonged break from the stress of the workplace. To travel and to write. I wanted to see if I could make money from writing. None of this stuff was written down, which is why I got the planner. But I hadn’t factored in the small issue of discovering I had breast cancer and requiring treatment and recovery from it.

Now though I am ready to set goals again and to plan the coming weeks and months. I have a new planner for 2020 and I am going to use it.

I’ve just listed to Molly and Kayla’s latest podcast about setting goals as well as other’s recently about planning and planners. So in theory I am ready. I have ideas I want to put in place, new exciting projects I want to embark on. This week I have found myself steaming ahead to do one of them, only to be stymied by internet problems. This led to multitasking in a way that is not efficient and fruitful as I tried to sort it out.

But while at a classical music event last night I worked out what I need to do (I find piano music particularly useful for this). Set goals and plan. Then do.

You see, as I said at the top, I can’t really multitask. I can barely do one thing at a time. So I will leave multitasking to those who can.

During the writing of this post I drank tea, put the washing into the tumble dryer, went in search of my laptop lead and checked a news story online. Plus chatted to Master who has just returned from the shop.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Bedroom talk

He has a great way with words. I guess it is all the reading he does, plus his linguistics education. He tends to tell me what he thinks about my body and our sex life in English, but could easily do it in French or Spanish. Our bedroom is a fun place to be of a Sunday morning.

“I wanted to have sex with you the first time I met you” He told me, not for the first time. Looking back to the beginning is something he loves to do. “I felt your tits though” Indeed he did. Plus he pressed his hard cock against me when we kissed. It’s no wonder I was round his house the following afternoon. Though we didn’t have sex until the week after as he played with me instead.

He starts to suck my nipple. “what are you doing?” I ask “Just noshing down on your tit” comes the reply between sucks. I lie there thinking how middle class public school that sounds. He speaks well: upbringing, education. Not estuary like me! I love it when he swears or says dirty stuff, it sounds fabulous coming from his posh mouth.

“I’ve had more sex with you than anyone else”.

“Well we’ve had a lot of sex”, I reply. That is very true and I’ve had more sex with him than anyone else.

“You’re a better fuck than C” (a former sex worker he used to see and who is now a great friend of ours). This also pleases me greatly, perhaps I am pretty good at sex.

“Don’t tell her” I say.

“I might” he responds and we both laugh.

Anyway, in the past he has told me that I am the best fuck he has ever had. I believe him since he doesn’t have to say stuff like that.

“You’re mine” he says just before he goes down on my cunt.

“I’m definitely yours and no one else” I say. But also think, ‘and you are mine’.

Then we fuck and there’s little to say for a while. I do love Sunday morning in our house.

Masturbation Monday

Definition

On the new shelves installed in our living room last week is the dictionary section (yes this is something of a library). But I hope this picture doesn’t completely define me.

While I love posing for him and was happy to do so in front of the new shelving, I’m not happy with this body. I don’t want it to define me.

So, I’ve made changes this week, which I intend to continue. My struggle with weight and body image continue. But for now, this is me and I am happy and proud that he loves to photograph me as I am.

Sinful Sunday

Freedom

This weeks F4T prompt is freedom. You would imagine that as a slave in a M/s relationship, my freedom would be limited in some way. But actually I feel more at liberty to do the things I want to do than at any point in my adult life. That’s partly because I have fewer responsibilities. But also because I feel safe and secure in my relationship. I have freedom to express myself, both here on this blog and also with Master.

The responsibilities of life

We all have to act within certain rules in life. No one is free to do as they wish – there are laws, moral codes and organisational rules. But while some people manage to exercise the freedom to be themselves within those confines, others feel constrained. For a long time I felt like that, even though I had a lot of freedom. I had a husband and son to care for (and the husband wasn’t low maintenance), a job and wider family. But still I had opportunities to go out with friends, read, study and shop for myself. However I felt trapped, unable to express myself, to be the person I wanted to be. Trouble was, I didn’t actually know what I wanted. Just not what I had.

For years and years I did nothing about it. I went to work, out with my husband, saw family and cared for my son. I was known for taking my nephews and nieces out for days and even on holiday. We were always doing something for someone and usually the main driver was me. I was my own worst enemy. But keeping my head down and getting on with it felt like the best approach, then I didn’t need to think about my own needs and desires. However that approach was not sustainable, not from anyway.

Breaking free

The life I have now has taken many years to achieve. One of the problems was I didn’t actually have a goal. Instead I just followed my heart and body. In hindsight, there is nothing wrong with this, but if I’d had a plan the journey may have been smoother.

Fear of making mistakes and of what others would think of me held me back. It stopped me seeking help when I needed it and made me internalise my problems.

I really don’t recommend cheating on your partner. But in the end it was the catalyst for working out what I wanted and needed. I was lucky that along the way I met someone that I really do want to spend the rest of my life with.

The by product is that my ex is also happier with his new partner. For a long time he denied it, since he claimed to still love me. But when I see him now I know that his new lady provides all of the things I detested. In particular she is better at mothering him. I always said that I had one child and didn’t need him to become another. Plus at the time he had a mother.

My blog

It’s strange that writing a sex and relationship based blog can provide freedom. But it does, and in a way that my previous work related one never could. Both were anonymous, at least to begin with. But I feared being outed and sacked for writing about the health service then I have writing about sex and BDSM.

This blog has evolved over time. I always wrote about my relationships including the break up of my marriage. But over the past couple of years I have felt more freedom to write anything. Though all of my posts are personal in some way, even the fiction. That’s why I decided to write about my cancer and also the reason there will be more posts about my diet and fitness. Now I am not working I have more time to be creative, and the freedom to do so. Trouble is words don’t automatically flow just because we want them to.

I love to write about the fun, BDSM related things we do. The new toys we try and the way in which we push our relationship and dynamic. I want to develop this blog, make it more dynamic. I want to write on a wider range of topics.

Master told me at the beginning of our relationship that he liked my blog and loved to read it. He told me that I would always have freedom to write as I wanted and I took this at face value. That doesn’t mean I don’t consider him and his feelings when I write. I’m not completely gungho. But my freedom to write and create is never restricted by him.

Freedom to be a submissive

In my former life I both loved and hated being free to make decisions. I was able to make them but grew weary from doing it. What to eat, where to go, work decisions, relationship decisions. It just went on and on. So to be given the opportunity to give up making some decisions has given me more freedom.

I don’t like being told what to do in all situations. But I do love it in the bedroom, during play and also in our wider life. Before I acted alone and didn’t consult because my ex was terrible at making decisions. But now I discuss everything and am happy for advice, a push or even for Master to decide for me (depending on what is required).

Being his submissive has made me happy and it has also given me more freedom to be myself than I new possible.

F4Thought

The ceremonies of life

When I was slimmer my collar was a little big. I’d be happy if it was like this again!

Christenings, weddings, funerals and graduations have all been the ceremonies of my life. Christmas, even though I don’t go to church is a ceremony of its own. Over the years I’ve enjoyed them all. I still look back with fondness to my own wedding. I loved the day, being centre of attention. happy and in love. Marriage was much less fun than planning the wedding and living through the day.

Formal ceremonies

My favourite ceremonies with and for others though have been the ones involving my son. His christening at 6 months old, cute in his sailor suit. Family enjoying a sunny September afternoon in our garden. His school events, plays, nativity, fetes they were all ceremonial in their own way. The graduation – my son all grown up and smart in his gown, on the cusp of proper adult life. Then last Christmas his wedding. A really small and intimate affair, so different from my nuptials. A day though filled with laughter and a bride and groom who did things their own way. I loved every minute of that as much, if not more than my own.

His wedding allows me to concentrate on myself and my life with Master. I feel that the wedding ceremony is part of a bigger event. That he is now part of a new family, his own. One that will grow as, hopefully they have children in the future.

Collaring

This was a ceremony I didn’t expect to write about. But on the day that Master collared me, his slave I committed to him. Though this was not in front of other people. to bear witness, we made vows to live our lives in a certain way. I agreed to wear his collar, to be obedient and to provide service. In return he agreed to care for me and to be the best owner he could be.

4 years later and we have pretty much stuck to the vows we made to each other that night. Until I had surgery and then radiotherapy, I had rarely removed my collar. That titanium ring means as much to me as the ring I wore on my finger before.

However I do have the urge for another ceremony. I would like to affirm our commitment to each other in public, in front of my son, his wife and other very close family. But first I need to get round to divorce, get myself a new boob and make some plans. But it is something that hopefully we will do.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Submissive training – is it necessary?

This prompt for Tell Me About has had me thinking for a few days. It is common to see information about ‘training your submissive’ in BDSM manuals and guides. Submissive training is also a big thing in fiction, for example the Brie series by Red Phoenix which is set in a training centre for submissive females. I can’t deny that I found the books extremely hot when I read them a few years ago. But is submissive training actually necessary for someone in a D/s or M/s relationship? And if so, what might it comprise of?

Submissive – born or made?

I don’t think you can train someone to actually be a submissive as such. It is something that comes from within, almost a need. However I do think there are elements of submission that take time to emerge. Reading about different types of relationship and considering what you as a submissive might want from them is useful. Understanding the elements of BDSM and what you, as a submissive want to find out more about, or try. Each dominant will have their own way of doing things and have ideas about how they wish the relationship to play out. Whether this takes the form of training, conditioning or something else is debatable.

Training vs education and learning

In a previous life I was education lead for a group of public sector organisations. I organised learning and development courses, bought places on university courses and was in charge of mandatory training. I hated the word training, though was forced to use it. That’s because without an element of educational learning behaviour can’t change. Maybe you can train a dog to fetch something, but we don’t generally do that with humans.

Learning new skills, understanding about consent and safety, finding someone in real life to help mentor as well as reading fiction and factual accounts of a dominant submissive lifestyle seems a good approach. I guess some dominants may train their submissives as they would a dog but I’m not sure that is a good approach. Even teaching positions, kneeling or preparation for anal sex should be about more than just practical training. Knowledge of your own body, elements of safety and learning from others is vital.

How did I learn to be the slave I am today?

Back at the beginning I found all I could about submission and BDSM in general through the internet. I joined forums and information sites and followed links to blogs. Then I read erotic novels and bought a couple of ‘how to’ books written by those with experience of the lifestyle. But it wasn’t until I got together with S that I began to understand what might be involved in a D/s relationship. Unfortunately that was when I realised I had a romantic view of being a submissive. However on the plus side I also discovered that I enjoyed pain, humiliation and degradation. By the end of that relationship, I had a better knowledge of what I wanted.

When I first met Master I was under the impression that I knew everything there was to know about being a submissive. But Master is a different kind of Dominant to S (as you’d expect). So I had to begin to learn how to be Master’s submissive. Bed room and play room stuff is easy in comparison to learning what they want from you as a person. It has been elements of my behaviour that have changed. This hasn’t happened through training but through reflection and communication. What’s more, we have learned together how to be each others Master and slave. And from that has come trust.

Reading and blogging as a learning tool

Writing about our experiences is a great way to reflect and learn. Especially through interaction with each other and some level of challenge. Master has always read this blog and continues to read current and past posts. Journaling is also useful, so long as there is an effort to think and review what has been written.

Many people find this blog through searching for submissive / slave relationships. So maybe I’m doing my bit in helping to educate a new generation of dominants and submissives. Or maybe it is just a way of getting off on some sexy writing. Who knows?

I for one love to read other D/s related blogs. All relationships are different and there is no one way of being a dominant or submissive. But it is great to learn and to reflect on those differences. Plus it gives us things to talk about when the Safeword D/s club meets online.

tellmeabout

Elust #124

Elust 124 Header

Photo courtesy of Discovering Kink

Welcome to Elust 124

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #125? Start with the rules, come back December1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Death of Sexual Desire

Snapshot

Your consent is not continual

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Smile for the Camera

Lessons From Two Years in a Polyamorous Triad

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

This Moment
Always in Character

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

A rose by any other name
Ideas for non-impact pain play
So you want to be a submissive wife
Female Chastity – physical or emotional
Anal – A slow and careful undoing

Erotic Fiction

Good Girl Bunny
Seduced by the Succubus
A Strange Encounter
Calling upon the Spirits of Air
Gosh, Didn’t Know You Were Here

Erotic Non-Fiction

A Gentleman’s Excuse Me
Do I Dare?
Headmaster Dixon Will See You Now
The cutie pie and the sex toy
One Year of Chastity!!

Poetry

-02.11.19_17:38-

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

What sex is REALLY like, in my world:

Body Talk and Sexual Health

My Diva Cup Experience

Movies and Books

Halloween
Hardcore (1979): The Celluloid Dungeon

 

Elust

Planning for breast reconstruction

I haven’t written about my breast cancer journey for a while. Well I have weaved things that have already happened into various posts. But as for the journey itself, there has been nothing much to say. In early summer when I first saw the plastic surgeons, I was led to believe the wait for breast reconstruction would be quite short. So I told them I wanted to delay and in September I was put on the waiting list. We have kept the post Christmas to spring period free in our diaries. We hadn’t booked Eroticon tickets. But things have changed.

I wasn’t worried that I hadn’t seen the consultant yet. But now I realise this would have been desirable. The junior doctors are great assets to their boss, but didn’t really have the whole picture. I was vaguely told to lose weight and told I could phone to find out when my surgery would likely be.

On Friday I saw a really pleasant and straight forward specialist nurse. I used to do something like she does, though in a different field. I am confident that she knows how the system works. She told me that next time I MUST see the consultant. She also told me that before my breast reconstruction goes ahead, I must lost weight. That they have tightened up this rule because BMI seems to have been a factor when looking at those who recover less quickly.

My weight

To say I am struggling to lose any weight is an understatement. But at least I have maintained – i.e I am the same weight today as about a year ago. The nurse and I agreed that a loss of about a stone (16lb) would be optimum. But I have already excluded most sugar, all sugary and artificial sweetened drinks. I rarely eat anything fatty and don’t know when I last ate pizza. The only thing I can think of is wine. So, I’ll have to reduce that drastically now. The nurse didn’t argue when I said that I thought Letrozole was contributing.

I’ve decided to try intermittent fasting, on the basis that metabolism is affected by constant dieting. Also that frequent food intake may cause insulin resistance. I’m busy reading up on this approach and feel that it can’t hurt. I’m going to go back to reporting my progress on here over the next few months, to help keep a record.

Other aspects of planning

We went through the implications of the DIEP surgery – the actual operation, potential risks and side effects and after care. This really is a major operation. I was also told that the longer between the end of radiotherapy and surgery the better. This involves micro surgery to tiny blood vessels in my breast and abdomen. The reality of the enormity of what I am putting myself forward for hit. Waiting feels right even if the list was shorter.

I need to be as fit and well prepared as possible for this surgery. I need to follow the advice of the health professionals and Master and I need to be as ready as we can be. So we can plan some things for winter and spring.

Fun things to do

Eroticon tickets are now in the bag, we just need to sort out hotel etc. Master has a big birthday at the end of March, so we are planning for that. There’s also an English Song Festival in April and I will want to get over to France to get things ready for summer. We can also book a summer holiday and the hospital will honour this. But I happily put myself forward for a short notice call from the end of spring. So long as I am physically ready, I think I will be emotionally fit to take a cancellation. Or failing that to have my breast reconstruction surgery when I get to the top of the list. Whenever that is.

A bright new day

How I miss the bright, Mediterranean mornings of summer. The heat already burning through the patio door at 8am. The sky blue and the sun high.

My apartment in France is wonderful in summer. It does get rather hot in the evening and over night. But each day brings a coolness that lasts till late morning. Which is how I managed to get work done every day. It’s quite small space, though perfectly enough for two. However as you can see there is clutter I couldn’t quite hide in this photo.

But what is clear, is that this is another bright new day.

Standing in the doorway to our bedroom I am facing the living area and the window to the Mediterranean sun. This was taken in our small apartment in France.
Sinful Sunday