Friends

The current “Tell Me About” topic is Friends. To be precise the topic is FrienD/s, or the people we have met and got to know because of our D/s (or M/s) relationship.

The difficulties

We have been together for just over 5 years and in the context of both of our lives, that is a short period of time. Neither of us has any close friends when we met. I have various people from school, nursing school and work that I occasionally socialise with. But the ending of my marriage also ended some friendships, or it stopped me being asked places. Not that I was or am especially worried. I’m not sure that Master is one for close friends either.

In addition there is the issue of the context of our relationship, the power exchange thing. That doesn’t preclude us from having friends, but it could make it awkward. We have a friend who lives in Holland, she has been a friend of Master’s for a long time. I expect she knows something of our dynamic though we haven’t discussed it with her. But the three of us can discuss most things and have done.

Otherwise, we are reasonably close to my brother and his partner and are considering a holiday with them next year. I wouldn’t feel comfortable discussing the nature of our M/s relationship with them. As far as they know we are regular people, which of course we are.

Everyone else we socialise with are people we’ve met through this blog or through Fetlife.

Online acquaintances can become good friends

I have Molly and Michael to thank for the fact that I have got to know quite so many people from the kink and blogging community. We had attended a couple of Munches before we went to theirs. But it is through that Munch we met Sub B and her partner, @Bear’s Cub and @Hairy Dom and others who don’t blog. We don’t get along every month but it is our favourite type of regular social event. It is through Molly that we have attended CMnf and other play events at the same club. There we met an Irish couple who we hit it off with and I am now in touch with the s of that relationship regularly. In fact I think we will be seining them next week.

I love that we can all talk, not just about ordinary stuff like holidays, work, the weather or whatever, but also sex, kink and blogging. That my first public play took place in front of a group of people that I know from the Munch. I also know that isn’t what everyone would feel comfortable with, but it works just fine for me.

Eroticon

For many of us, it is Eroticon that brought us physically together. We may have begun by commenting on each other’s blogs and felt an affinity there. Then chatted on twitter or via DM and finally got the courage to book tickets to the writing and blogging event of the year.

As I’ve written before, I hardly spoke to a soul I hadn’t already met on my first Eroticon in 2017. This year was completely different. My confidence has grown immensely and already counted some people as friends before we had met in person this year. This meant that we ended up going to both social events and spent prolonged periods of time engaged in conversation with a number of fabulous people. I’d really love to get to know many of these friends better, but time and geography tend to get in the way.

Having met in person at Eroticon we made a point of meeting up and having dinner with Rebel and Master T when we were staying near their home town. I’m sure there will be meetings with others in the future if the chance arises. I guess Missy and His Lordship might think Scotland would be a good call and I’d be inclined to agree!

tellmeabout

The disappearing orgasms

Early on in our relationship I wrote about the importance Master placed on giving me pleasure. That he loved me to orgasm and to orgasm a lot. While my orgasms have belonged to him from day one and I have always had to ask permission, they have not been in short supply. Until this year that is.

Our sex life hasn’t really been affected by my breast cancer and treatment. I guess that is partly because we have made a particular effort to have sex. We have made the time which luckily hasn’t been a problem. He is a considerate lover, not shy of putting my needs first. Though the nature of our relationship means that sex often begins with him wanting to take possession of me and of my holes. Foreplay has become less of an issue as I am often eager for him to push his cock in (usually) my vagina. My focus then is on whether I can easily accommodate him and then on giving him pleasure.

The tablets I take to stop production of oestrogen have caused something of a second menopause. But thankfully while I experience hot flushes and a few aches and pains, I haven’t suffered from vaginal dryness. This has been something of a relief and has made me all the more keen to feel him inside me. I get seriously aroused by his excitement and am often pretty wet as he pushes his cock in. But for some reason I have become less worried about whether I orgasm at all. Once or twice I have definitely had G-spot orgasms but the powerful clitoral ones I so enjoy have been elusive.

Sometimes recently Master has asked if I want to orgasm, even when he is rubbing my clitoris and to be honest I have been at best undecided. Previously he could demand I orgasm and miraculously I would, that no longer seems possible.

I suspect the tablets are to blame.

Master has now decided that he wants me to orgasm and once he raised the issue, I realised that it is something I want too. After all who in my position would actually choose not to if offered the chance.

This week, I have had two. Both while his cock has been deep inside my vagina. Each time he has used a vibrator of some kind to give direct stimulation to my clitoris.. And having been seriously rocked by one particular long and powerful explosion a couple of mornings ago, I definitely want more.

I’m hoping that this is the start of something good. Further work and attention is definitely needed!

Getting back to the core of who I am

During normal, every day life it is easy to lose sight of what is really important. To imagine the small irritations of decision making, the routine of work and household activities are everything. It is easy to lose sight of your core, what makes you tick. The things that brought you together. Sometimes it takes a complete change in those routines to help you focus on what is really important.

Two of this week’s meme prompts lend themselves well to this topic – The Wicked Wednesday prompt is Core and Erotic Journal Challenge one is Retreat. The past few weeks for us have been in the form of a retreat. We left home on 8th July and only returned on 24th August. During that time we have travelled the length of France, from Calais in the north to a small seaside village in Aude in the south. Along the way we visited several towns, taking time to enjoy the culture and explore the countryside. After a couple of weeks chilling out we moved onto a boat and spent a week travelling at almost walking pace. After a long weekend celebrating my mum’s 80th birthday in England we returned to France. A week later we began the return journey through northern Spain before returning home.

During much of that time our engagement with others was limited. For days on end we heard no English voices. We had no need to be anywhere dictated by anyone else. We took time to be together and to explore our relationship in a way that hasn’t been possible before.

The craziness

As regular readers will know the past year has been something of a rollercoaster and whirlwind combined. Last year I moved in with Master in July. Having packed up a three bedroom house and leaving little behind I brought a lot with me. In August I finished work. We had plans to spend the autumn and winter sorting the house so that my stuff fitted along with Master’s. But our lives were thrown into turmoil in September when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was not until February that the treatment was finished and we were able to get into any kind of proper routine.

Our relationship is strong, but we struggled to sort our what our roles and responsibilities to each other were. To understand what we wanted from our M/s, our sex lives and how much we wanted the outside world to inform and define us.

The retreat

It was the knowledge that I’ve been paying the (not insignificant) bills on a property in France I have barely had time to visit that spurred us. Plus neither of us are working (permanently) and caring responsibilities (for me) are limited right now. No one we spoke to seemed to think it would be a problem if we disappeared off for 6 weeks or so.

Plans were made, ferries, hotels and flights were booked and with a very full car we left for France.

Just putting the channel between us and our real lives was enough. We had suitcases of clothes, but packed a smaller bag for a few days at a time. An electric cool box meant we could picnic rather than eat in restaurants during the day. Stops were planned just 150-200km apart so we had time to see the sights, but also downtime. We didn’t always take breakfast. This meant that we could spend longer in bed, not necessarily sleeping.

Getting back to the core of who I am

This trip gave me the chance to get to the core of me as a person, my raison d’être if you will. Also for considering who and what we are. For Master it was about exploring my submission and reclaiming it in a way he hasn’t been able to for some time. We spent a lot of time talking about what my submission and his Dominance mean to us. Exploring our roles, sexually and literally.

The cancer diagnosis, mastectomy and treatment affected us more than we realised at the time. This time away gave us the chance to look back and articulate some of those issues. To get to the core of what breast cancer meant for me, a woman and him my partner. I articulated what he knew, that I struggle with my remaining breast. Worry about my lack of cleavage etc. The tablets I now take to dampen down my hormone levels seem to have affected my ability fo orgasm easily. All of these impact up on Master and the way he manages our sex life.

But also we were able to distance ourselves from the world. Not only family but the messed up politics, social media circus and yes my blog. Having said that, when my data package was used up while we had no wifi on the boat, I bought more. Plus, Master dropped his phone in the canal and was without for a few days. That made him positively on edge. So we have a way to go before we are ready to disappear completely even for a few days.

So, we are back. Recharged and ready to face existing and new challenges. Hopefully happier human beings and closer to each other than ever we were.

The photo below was taken from one of our hotel rooms and gives a flavour of our time in retreat.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Why I blog – to write and to read

There is something about writing here on my blog and posting my words online that I love. I have kept various diaries and journals over the years, but tended not to continue them for long. Blogging involves not only writing but reading the words of others and interacting with those writers. That is something that appeals to me.

Writing

My first blog was about my work environment. The health service is always subject to change and blogging was a way of expressing my views about it. I saw that other nurses and medics were doing the same and thought why not. I loved the anonymity and ability to express myself. Writing was something I had always enjoyed but I was surprised to find others read and commented on my ramblings.

This was somehow different from writing papers and reports for work, at last my own voice was emerging. This was a space for me to give my opinion as well as to compare my experiences with those of others.

I’ve explained before that when I started this blog I deleted my work related one. I have to admit I still regret doing so, but was worried about being double discovered.

This blog started during another period of change, this time more personal. I wrote about my own voyage of discovery – infidelity, a new relationship, my sexuality and exposing kink. So much was wizzing around in my head that I needed to write it down. And since I had the experience of my original blog, what better way to journal than through a blog.

Reading

I started off writing for myself, to express my own thoughts and feelings. But I barely wrote anything without also reading the words of others. My real life kink exporation took place while reading the books and blogs of others. My thirst for knowledge and information was immense. I was reassured to find that I wasn’t the only one to discover a side to themselves they didn’t previously know about. To experience a sexual awakening. Reading other people’s work made me want to write more. Whether in response to something I’d read or because I’d had my own new idea.

I’m still in contact with a few of the people I ‘met’ through my first blog and while none of them still blog, we are facebook friends. I’d love to have met some of them, but know it probably won’t happen. I never imagined when I started this blog that I would become part of a community. That I would meet my fellow bloggers and make new friends along the way.

Writing for self or for others

For the first couple of years I was really writing for myself and about myself. I interacted with other bloggers, but only knew them through the blog. S got to know about the blog after a year or so, but wasn’t massively interested in it. He read it and liked what he read. But when things between us changed I didn’t really need to worry that he would be upset by what I wrote. In hindsight I could have been much more open and honest about our relationship. Instead I mainly wrote about the sex which happened infrequently. I didn’t write about the long periods of silence from him or the fact that I was struggling to work out what to do with my life.

When I met Master I told him about my blog and he began to read. He has never stopped reading. He often reads back to the beginning of our relationship and he always reads new posts and comments. Over time this has inevitably made me write for him as well as myself. Also it has meant I have censored myself from writing things that might cause him upset. I am also careful to protect elements of our relationship that he, I or we would rather others didn’t know.

The run up to my moving here to live with him was difficult as both our emotions ran high. But I didn’t write much about that. Looking back, it was probably tiredness as much as anything.

Writing a personal diary

I would say that my breast cancer diagnosis changed my writing and it’s purpose. It was easier to tell people I had come to know and respect online and in person through my blog. I wanted to express my feelings to myself and to Master in a way that I couldn’t verbalise. But also I knew that I might want to look back on those times afterwards.

At times I struggled with the thought that the purpose of this blog was to write about our relationship journey. About kink and sex. But with encouragement from fellow bloggers and of course Master I realised that I can write about anything that is important to me at a given time.

After all, this blog started as a personal account. It was a diary of sorts when my husband discovered my infidelity and later when I navigated the challenges of a poly relationship.

Writing for others

Many people have commented that my cancer journey blogs may help others. That is hopefully the case, but they were written more for myself. When I write for a meme prompt I usually do so because I have something to say on the topic. But sometimes I admit to writing because I want to participate. That is definitely true of new memes and also month long challenges such as the Blogging A-Z.

Recently when on holiday I realised that I had writing fatigue. So, I made a conscious decision not to blog. I worried that I was missing memes and that people would stop visiting. But I believe that you should not only write but read too. So finding myself without the time to read, I decided not to blog either. And I feel better and more energised for it.

Eroticon and Smut Marathon

Both Eroticon, the annual writers and bloggers conference and Smut Marathon the now annual writing competition have influenced my writing. Apart from individual blogs and websites, these are key external influences.

Eroticon provided me the opportunity to learn more about sex and erotic writing as well as meet like minded people. It has also made me see that my work is recognised and valued by others. Meeting fellow writers in person and having face to face conversations with them has spurred me to keep writing and posting.

Smut Marathon gave me the chance to push myself to write fiction, something I don’t find easy to do. The competition challenged me to emerge from the comfort zone of factual and opinion pieces. It also opened me up to criticism that I hadn’t experienced though blogging. I enjoyed participating but am not sure whether I would do so again. However, it did show that I can write fiction to a reasonable level. This is something I will challenge myself to do more of this autumn.

So in conclusion…

I write for me and for Master. I write for those who engage with me. But without the work of others to read and comment on there would be little for me to write about. I doubt I would have continued this blog if no one every visited or engaged with me. It would have lasted as long as my paper journals, usually half way through January.

#F4TFriday

Topless

This is my first (and hopefully last) summer with just one boob. The idea of going braless, let alone topless is pretty much a step too far at the moment. Even around the house, I feel weird without a bra. But in hot weather wearing a bra (or swimming costume) all of the time is a bit much.

Probably the best part of our time away was the boat holiday. We chose a route that had few locks since it was my first time. Also there were just the two of us on the boat. That also meant that for hours at a time we saw very few other boats and the people on them. This gave me the chance to leave my bra off for a while and then to take my dress off for this shot.

I love this, even though it isn’t a close up, because it shows the beauty of our surroundings and that no one else was around. I have a close up which I’ll show another time. I’m starting to feel more comfortable in my body again, but posting pictures of me topless is still challenging. However I know I was happy and relaxed that day and so I feel happy to share.

We are on a boat on the canal du rhone à Sete. I am at the back of the boat topless. I only have a left boob as I have has a mastectomy
Photo by Master
Sinful Sunday

Back to reality

We arrived home yesterday. We managed to get ourselves caught up in bank holiday traffic, so the final leg of our journey took 7 hours. It is crazy to think that it took us most of the day to travel just over 200 miles. It certainly made me appreciate the open spaces of France and Spain. Roads where you often saw few drivers for miles.

But back to the blog. I know I have neglected things while I’ve been away. There’s only a week or so of August left, but I intend to make my blogging plan for this week and the next month and stick to it. I feel refreshed and while ideas are not yet oozing from my fingers, hopefully they soon will.

One of the big issues for me is that I have written so much about me, my life and us that it is difficult not to repeat yourself. The M/s element of our life is fully visible to us, but it is quite routine in many ways. We do have a play event coming up in a couple of weeks that will be worthy of writing about (more to come). But otherwise it is really our sex life that is kinky.

There are definitely things that Master would like to control more. My hair for one thing. It bleached almost white in the sun. I’ve never before been remotely blonde and it felt a little too white for me. So I’ve dyed it this morning. I know he liked the bleached effect and that he likes it short. He’d even like to shave the sides, but I am not sure I am ready. He would also like me to have more piercings, but there seems no point right now. In the new year, I hope to have my breast reconstruction so best to wait till after that.

But being away has given us time and space to be together with no (or few) outside interference. Even my mum left us alone for days on end. With that has given us the chance to explore our sex life much more. This has led to an increase in libido for us both.

This has been a fabulous summer. I know we are lucky to have had the time and money to enjoy it. We have made some amazing memories, have great photos of all kinds. That includes a little stock ready for Sinful Sunday and other memes.

Now I just need to focus my mind and actually write some good posts. I fully expect that to happen soon. After all my body and mind are fully rested. Let the inspiration emerge……

New habits and old rituals

While writing this post on the deck of a ferry crossing from Spain to England, I wondered. How to habits form and then how do they become so ritualised. I wondered too, if some of what I describe as rituals aren’t just habits. But anyway, here goes.

Like most people, I have certain rituals by which I live my life. These are mainly related to getting up and dressed and getting ready for bed. I always wash my hair when I first get into the shower and then condition. Finally, I wash my body while I leave the conditioner on. I always put my contact lenses in before cleaning my teeth. 

Master is more ritualised than me and he is more compelled to do things in a certain order. For me, it is not the end of the world if I do things differently but it puts him completely off his stride. He has suffered from OCD and while this is not a particular issue at the moment, I know it has been. I recognise there is no such thing as a ‘bit of OCD’ but thankfully his is under control right now. Still there are times when he needs to go and check doors are locked or the oven is off. Even whether he actually did clean his teeth. All I can do is encourage him in the memory of what I know he has done. But I never stop him from checking.

Our morning sex routine is quite ritualised and is something we often do since I stopped working. Indeed I am happy to say that our sex life has grown and developed in that time. This is because we have more time and no longer need to rush round in the morning, so this can be indulged.

We don’t have any particular M/s rituals other than the way our sex life is conducted. He is keen always to reiterate that I am his sex slave and while this flows into other areas of our life, these are not rituals as such.  Instead they are things that we do for a while or every so often that enhance the M/s side of our relationship. For example, there are times when I kneel, or when I will wear certain clothes or go without underwear. Often at his request, but sometimes on my own initiative.

I think our life together has passed beyond tasks and rituals and any way there are enough things we do that are often the same. Mixing things up can be a pretty good thing. However as new habits form, there is no telling if they too may become the rituals of the future.

#F4TFriday

Admiring the view

Our return journey from France has begun, we left the apartment on Tuesday. My ex is now enjoying the retreat I love so much. But our departure gives the opportunity to visit new places and make new memories.

We are now in Spain. Having crossed the pyrenees, staying both in the French and Spanish side, we are now in Navarre. After 4 days of travel we are spending the weekend in one place (more of that in my next post). This photo was taken at our hotel in Seu D’urgell. As you can see we had a wonderful view, one worth admiring.

I guess though that Master preferred his own view.

Sinful Sunday

The joy of summer

I absolutely love summer and in particular the part of summer where the days are at their longest and the nights, their shortest.

I married in June, on 23rd. The closest Saturday to midsummer. I even tolerated night duty when it fell in the summer. It was amazing looking out on the streets of London and into the sky that never properly darkened. For many years, I only holidayed in June. Everything everywhere remains fresh, even those places that by August are sunbaked and dry. Of course, England often offers a different kind of June midsummer. But even in the rain, there is the wonder of beautiful flowers, green fields and always a long day to behold.

These days, summer holds a whole new meaning for me. It is about stripping off the clothes (more now than before perhaps) and so being more available. Also it is about feeling more like having sex, not just in the morning but other times in the day. When I was working, summer offered up the chance of a week or two away and an opportunity for afternoon sex. Even last year that was the case.

Now, we can have sex anytime, but for some reason, summer has brought with it new opportunities. Yesterday morning, we set the alarm for an early flight. I was awake long before necessary and suddenly, as the sun rose around 5am Master and I were having the most amazing sex. Summer this year has also provided an opportunity for a resurgence of our M/s dynamic. A time to be alone without outside interference and to reflect on what we want from our relationship.

We travel a lot, but for some reason, summer has provided us with the opportunity and the means to actually put our thoughts and desires into action.

Of course not everything about summer, and even in the sun is good. Here think sunburn and mosquito bite, also hot nights where you can’t sleep and any idea of sex would be just too steamy.

But give me summer over any other time of the year. You can keep the cold of winter, the flowers of spring and the leaves of autumn. I’d go for the long days, hot nights and fun of summer any day. If I were getting married again, I would still choose the romance of the middle of June. Always and forever.

Summer holidays give us the chance to sit around (semi) naked. Master took advantage of that today!

Retreat

There is usually one month (at least) each year when my blogging mojo runs out of steam. Usually this coincides with a planned holiday. It is not unusual while away to have poor wifi and long days out and about enjoying the sights of the area. Also, unless this was to become a travel blog, there is little to write about.

This year, since I am not working, I thought it would be different. Except that the first few months of the year were pretty frantic for blog posts. Ideas came in thick and fast and then there were the memes. February photofest, A-Z in April and then Every Damn Day in June. This year, the approach of my holiday coincided with my only working period so far this year. Yes, in June and July I had paid work. Indeed I spent about 5 days while in France writing a report and being paid. I only intended to take a short break from blogging, but in the end only posted 4 times in July.

But I think that in the long run this break will have done me good. It’s impossible to keep going as I was without either repeating myself or just blogging for its own sake. I know many people manage to keep the momentum going, but I really can’t. My level of creativity requires time spent resting and yes, a retreat.

My retreat

I am lucky to have a place where I can recharge my batteries. A place where life can exist at a slower pace. My retreat, in the South of France is a small apartment in a holiday resort, busy in the height of summer, dead in winter. A place where we have spent the past 3 Easters, the odd weekend in March, September and October, but few summer nights. This year I was determined to spend an extended time there.

I love to sit on the balcony on a July morning and feel the coolish air. The sun doesn’t fill it with heat and light until lunch time. This made it an ideal office space. We also enjoyed the 14th July fireworks from that same vantage point on the day we arrived. I can read there in the afternoon while sun bathing, eat dinner looking over the swimming pool and finally enjoy a late night drink before bed.

Of course we also go out, stroll around the port or lake. Walk down to the beach and stroll along the promenade. Explore the shops and the village market. Life there is different from at home in England.

After two weeks we left for our week on the boat so my niece and her family could enjoy our little retreat. I’m pleased that they had a wonderful time, making fabulous memories. My great nephew enjoyed his first ever holiday there and his mum re-lived holidays from her own childhood.

I know I am lucky to have a place like this to visit and enjoy. But I am grateful that at last I am able to spend time there. In my special place, my retreat. We return for one final week on Wednesday before starting the return journey back home and reality.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked