Negotiating a power exchange relationship

At the beginning of our relationship there was a certain element of excitement. At times it felt we were throwing ourselves into the situation, pushing boundaries. We met at weekends, there were play scenes and there was sex. We both knew he was dominant and I submissive, that this was a power exchange and in those first weeks we played our roles well. But there was also a lot of communication, via messenger and Skype. Discussion and negotiation. Master had a reasonably clear idea of how he wanted things to go, and he wanted to check out with me what I thought. I wrote about it here on my blog quite a bit.

Initial negotiations and agreement

One of the first things Master asked me to do was to refer to myself in the third person. He believed that by doing so I would be able to remove myself as Julie from the equation and instead focus on my role as submissive object. The only way I could think of to try this out (other than when we were together) was to write my blog in the third person. It is interesting to note that writing this way is actually easier than speaking it. This rule remains in place, but I struggle to keep it up unless in the throws of subspace. But it really is effective at getting me to concentrate on my submissive self and let everything else fade away.

Discussions about underwear occured around the same time and then moved onto orgasm control and finally piercings. It was at this point we both knew that things were perhaps a little more serious than we had admitted. It became clear that even if the relationship didn’t last for ever, we wanted to formalise things in our own minds. So Master drew up a contract.

Our power exchange contract

We are very aware that formal contracts negotiated in BDSM relationships have no bearing in law. But they are useful in setting out the responsibilities of both parties. Around July 2014, just 6 months after our relationship began we agreed such a contract. Master wrote an initial document and I made suggestions for changes and additions, but on the whole I agreed with what he had written.

This was no accident, as we had already been discussing what would be included and also doing some of the things that we’re included.

The main thrust of the contract was about acknowledging his power over me. That I was an owned slave who had responsibilities in ensuring that my body was prepared as he wanted and available for him to use. So it included items about how I should keep my pubic hair and when I should wear a butt plug. There were elements of my behaviour I was keen to be helped with. I was emerging from a long marriage where I had needed to be more dominant than I felt comfortable with. I needed Master’s help to be able to let go and trust another to make decisions for me. Taking over conversations and doing things for people were just two of the areas I wanted to attend to.

Revisiting the contract

Over time we have settled into the relationship we want to have. For a while the contract slipped into the background. Our M/s ebbed and flowed and during busy periods was sometimes almost on the back burner. Prior to my moving in with Master last year we were busy with getting my house ready to sell plus I had a demanding job. We travel frequently so it was easy for elements of the contract to slip a little. Then soon after moving in I was diagnosed with breast cancer. So it is really only over the past couple of months that we have begun to discuss how our contract should be revisited.

This is now in progress. Once again, Master has drawn up a first draft and I now need to reflect on the proposed changes and make some of my own before we agree it. This time though I do want some kind of accountability to be included. Now we live together there is no excuse for me to ‘forget’ to do things or assume it’s ok for me to do and say what I want. Master isn’t majorly into punishment, so we will need to discuss what the consequences of contract breaches will be.

For me this is a huge step. In a way, it is the culmination of my submissive journey. But also the start of another one.

Postscript

Close to the start of our relationship Master and I had a private blog, which on reading I realised was a key part of the negotiation process. I’ll write more about the contents soon and will link here when I do.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

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