For most of my life I was decidedly risk averse. I looked for certainty and security, but I was frightened that if I took the wrong decision it would backfire and terrible things would happen. I was moribund by fear. Lately I have discovered that if you never take a risk then life may well pass you by. Opportunities will fall in the lap of others and you will be left wondering; What if?
I was just 21 when I married my childhood sweetheart. It was what was expected since we had already been together for 5 years. I had an inkling that this wasn’t going to be the best choice, but how do you get out of such a thing when everyone is in full preparation mode. I’m not saying we weren’t happy, because we were, for a while. But in hindsight it set me up for what was to come.
We waited to have children firstly because we were young and I was starting my nursing career. But mainly we wanted to be more financially stable. We only had one child because the level of financial stability required never actually happened. Plus, I didn’t trust my husband by then since he had already had an affair.
Speaking of which, I didn’t throw him out when he had the affair since I was frightened of being alone. Worried about what others would think or say.
I stayed in jobs longer than I should. While ambitious, staying in a safe job appealed more than applying for something that I might fail at.
I look back and wonder why I behaved as I did. Why it was I never took a risk, until the day I did.
Taking that first risk was a catalyst
In 2012 I decided to have sex with a man who wasn’t my husband. Having found someone online that I was attracted to, I went off and had sex with him. Actually there had been a few occasions before that. I had met up with a couple of men I’d met online for lunches, days out and a bit of a snog and grope. But when I went off to meet S in south London on that day in 2012, I went with the intention of having sex. He was the second man I had had PIV sex with in my life. He was also the first man I had anal with and the first man I had knelt before.
Once I had taken that first risk there was little to stop me. I embraced new experiences and decided to begin to put myself before the needs of others. That’s not to say I completely disregarded them, far from it. But it set me on the journey to discover what I was missing in life and how to make the changes I knew I needed.
It has taken 7 years but the end result is here and now. In many ways, again risk free. But at least I know what I want, what I need and what I can have from life. That is something of a difference.