Questions

I put a request out on Twitter for questions for the A to Z blogging prompt Q. The one question received was from @May_Matters

Her question was: Who was your first crush?

When I was about 13 I fell in love with a boy from the 6th form at school. He looked something like Bryan Ferry and was tall, dark and in my mind very handsome. I don’t believe he ever knew I existed.

My friend Wendy fancied his mate. She also knew where he lived (just around the corner from her). We spent weekends and an entire summer holiday walking past his house and generally stalking him. At school we joined extracurricular events we wouldn’t otherwise have bothered with, because Steve and Pete were running them or part of the crew. Unfortunately many of the competitions etc. were run on a house basis and neither of us were in their houses. This made so much school activity something of a waste. But we were able to get good seats for house competitions we weren’t part of that meant we could watch them.

Looking back this behaviour was mighty weird and just a little sinister. But I don’t think we ever got in the way to the extent we might have. We did however make up stories involving our prey. Stories where we were already their girlfriends. It’s all very odd really.

This was the first time I remember being aroused in any way (I guess I was a late starter) apart from when I tried my hand at flirting with a farmer on a family holiday. Thankfully he was old and wise enough to humour me without ever leading me into any danger.

The following year spent a few months getting to know my next door neighbour rather well. This involved meetings at the back of our houses, lots of chat, some snogging and a bit of groping. That was fun, but a more solo activity. While still friends, Wendy and I never went in for joint stalking activities again. Though she did go out with one of my cousins for a while.

I don’t know what became of Steve. He went to University and by the time he returned I was busy elsewhere and was never tempted to walk past his parents house on the off chance of seeing him.

Psychology

Over the years I have used this blog to explore my feelings about the changes in my life. Whether it was my thoughts on infidelity and cheating on my husband. Or new sexual exploits, examining my submission and what it meant to me. Day to day it often feels as if I cover topics in a superficial way, but looking back that isn’t the case. I have 3 categories labeled psychology: D/s, M/S and me. There are a total of 210 posts categorised under psychology, in total.

Psychology of D/s

During my first D/s relationship I was involved with a man who lived 2 hours away from me. Because I was still very much married when I began the affair it was difficult for us to find time to be together. Online communication became a very important way of us finding the time to be together. We used text, telephone and finally Skype to communicate. We were able to dissect aspects of the things we had done together and discuss them together. Along with reading various D/s manuals I was able to review my progress (as I saw it).

But there were also times when he would be busy, with work, his children or as it turned out later, meeting other women. But whatever I felt during those times (and I have written a number of sad and lonely posts), I learnt a lot from the whole experience. When it was finally time to move on, I was ready for a deeper D/s relationship.

Psychology of M/s

When I first met Master I categorised many of the early posts under the D/s tag, since that is the kind of relationship it was. These posts give some indication of the thoughts going through my mind as our relationship deepened.

In May / June 2014 we moved into more of a Master / slave dynamic. It was something that Master wanted and it felt right for me. But it came with a greater feeling of emotional depth that it was often difficult to express. This post was written shortly after Master made me his slave.

The most profound time though was when Master collared me, his slave. It felt as if it came with a good deal of responsibility. To be the slave he wanted and could be proud of. This is very similar to the feelings I have about marriage. And to those who have asked if we might do that, well, yes we might.

Psychology of me

I didn’t intentionally set out to end my marriage, or did I? This question has played over and over in my mind for many years. I told myself I was exploring my sexuality, my need for a dominant. But of course I always knew I was committing adultery, being unfaithful and that was wrong. Especially since my husband had done the same to me years before.

This post is not a place to discuss the rights and wrongs of that. But I have written many times about my feelings about lying and then getting found out.

I never shied away (on here) from telling my life as it was. Obviously I have never written everything down. That would take too long and often would be quite depressing. But I do have a useful means of finding out what I thought about my life at various points. So, I’m glad I have written in this way and will continue to do so. Whatever happens next.