Journal

Ever since I read the Diary of Anne Frank as a child I loved the idea of writing a diary or journal. Of course, the fact that Anne suffered and died as she did, mean that her writings have survived in a way none of us would wish. But as a young girl I loved the idea of revealing my thoughts and feelings within a written format. The trouble was that I didn’t have much to reveal, even to myself. Over the years I tried again and again but found my life dull, even to myself.

It wasn’t until I started blogging, early in the 2000s that I started to keep a more lasting record. Then I wrote reflective pieces about my work as a nurse as well as thoughts about the UK health system. Some of them were incredibly personal, but for some reason I felt more able to share with an anonymous internet than I could in a book. When, in 2012 I embarked on this journey, I deleted my work related blog. I feared the two being linked. I am sad that I didn’t just take them offline, but that’s another story.

Starting this blog

This is the third iteration of my submissive journey. I started it to document a whole new part of my life. While many of the first few posts were about specific events, I quickly began to create a deeper picture of my life. A journal.

Steve and I had met a couple of times, but it wasn’t clear that we would continue to do so. I began to chat online with a very intense young Dominant who somehow persuaded me to talk to him on a deeper level than I ever had before. It was a short relationship. But it was he who suggested I write a journal which would help me understand myself and where I thought I was heading. So I created a page where I did just that. This remains part of my blog and can be found here.

Over time I updated the page with links to posts that I felt related to my feelings. Looking back now, I can see that this is the closest to the journal I always wanted. For some reason writing in this format allowed me the freedom to write in a way I had always wanted.

I now have three pages that are essentially a chronological journal. Sometimes additions are added regularly (every week or two) but more often now, they are monthly.

Blogging versus writing a journal

Some blog posts are personal and lend themselves to being linked to the journal pages. But in the main they are not. Weeks and sometimes months go by when I feel life has just been happening. Blog posts are about specific topics or tell a story. Often they are not especially personal of profound, or they don’t feel like they are. However, when I go back to look, there is something that makes me feel I need to keep a record.

Many of the most recent f journal entries relate to my breast cancer diagnosis and treatment. At that time I was thankful that I had this place to write my thoughts and feelings day by day. But then later to be able to link them to my current journal page.

Master and I both look back at what I have written from time to time. It helps to understand where I have come from and they journey we have both taken to now. It’s just that now is an ever moving place.

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