Quite rightly, consent is a frequently discussed topic on blogs and social media by the kink community. However it is not a topic I have given much space to on this blog. Often when I discuss our relationship, a Master / slave total power exchange, consent issues are implied rather than explicitly stated. In this post I’m going to attempt to articulate my journey. But also be clear that Master does have my informed consent, at all times.
Informed consent is consent that is given freely and willingly by someone who is aware of what they are agreeing to, not under the influence of drugs or alcohol, not being pressured or coerced, and of legal age. Informed consent is often referenced in BDSM communities. It is vital before starting a scene, especially any scenes that involves play that appears nonconsentual such as forced orgasm.Kinkly.com
These are clear and wise words. However, we don’t discuss consent every time we engage in a BDSM activity, or have kinky sex. But I do regularly reaffirm that I give my consent to Master and freely discuss my limits. Having said that, I have also given my limits to Master and he regularly pushes them. I can, however remove consent at any time and I have a safe word.
At the beginning of my journey
In August 2012 I wrote about my submission to my then Sir. The post is mainly about consequences, but it does cover consent. Even in that relationship, I didn’t renew my consent each time, but knew I could withdraw it.
When i am with Sir, i have chosen to arrive at the place we have decided to meet at the given time. I have done this in the knowledge that there are expectations placed upon me that have been discussed in advance. i submit to those willingly since this is a consentual arrangement. Sir is not big on punishment, but at the same time i am never sure whether i might be spanked, clamped or restrained. i never know where Sir is going to chose to put his cock next. i relax into the submission, i am compliant, i submit to humiliation; to situations that wouldn’t normally be part of what i would do.17 August 2017
I can always choose what i want to do, but everything i do has consequences.
I wrote about limits and consent in this relationship for my 2016 Blogging A-Z. You can see that informed consent has been important from the beginning.
With Master, the relationship started off in the same way, limits were discussed in a chat room and, he was always careful to test out I was happy with things. We were playing or else having sex. He discovered my exhibitionist tendencies and pushed those, but I was never unhappy with what he suggested and have never called red. I became his slave during that first summer and then last year received his collar and this caused me to think. I trust this man, he has my submission, I have agreed that he is my owner and so as part of this he should have my limits. He didn’t demand them, I offered them and he grabbed them from me.
14 April 2016
Of course, I am a human and I have consented to this whole thing, so I can take anything away that was given. But I can’t see that happening. The limits are defined by him and that is how we live our life. He loves the power he feels owning both me and my limits and I in turn love that I no longer have to worry about this kind of thing. Now if he asked me to wear a diaper, things might change!
Reflections on informed consent
As a nurse I am more aware than most about consent issues. Giving care and treatment to people unable or unwilling to give consent is part and parcel of that work. Along with always making sure that the best interests of the individual is upheld.
Even though I am the one giving consent in this context, it is important I understand what I am consenting to. There have been times when I didn’t entirely know what I was letting myself into within a scene. But thankfully I have never been with anyone who abused my right to say no.
I love to read fiction where consent issues are at best tenuous. This includes rape, people being held against their will and made to submit. But that doesn’t mean to say my life is like that. Or that I would want it to be. Relationships develop over time, whether long distance, on line or 24/7. We evolved to the consent non-consent one that we now have. And we got there through a great deal of discussion. This is something that continues to this day. I may be his slave, but I can always call red and could walk away if I wanted. however, I doubt very much I will.