Humiliation

One of the first things I learned on my submissive journey was that I enjoyed being humiliated in a sexual way. Against even my own expectations I enjoyed being called a slut or bitch. Early in my relationship with S I was expected to dress in clothing that would usually be restricted to the bedroom. Or to drive to meet him with my skirt pulled up around my waist. I found myself buying clothing I usually considered too short for my age. Then, when I wore them out with him and he whispered that I was a whore, I felt turned on rather than horrified. These were all revelations to me.

In July 2012, I wrote about our first date:

On our very first date, on that first night. i dressed in a short skirt, which only just covered my stockings and suspenders. i wore black heeled shoes that i could barely walk in and i walked into a bar and ordered a drink. i sat at a table and waited until Sir who i had barely met in person came into the bar and asked to join me. He had us move to another table with lower chairs where he could observe and touch me more easily and then we tried to engage in normal ‘we’ve just met and are just having a chat’ conversation while he ran his hand up my stocking top in pretty much full view of the bar.

This was humiliating, sir told me later that i was a slut for doing it, but i loved it. The whole time experiencing a combination of blind panic and amazing exhilaration.

17 July 2012

That relationship was characterised by such behaviour. I loved and embraced it. Though I am not sorry that Master is not into stockings and heels. In a way, it was all part of the journey to the submissive woman and slave I am now.

Humiliation now

At the beginning Master told me he preferred me to wear no underwear. The idea that people might see I was wearing no knickers or bra was both thrilling and scary. He likes to touch me in a public place and to photograph me. Often people aren’t far away. The possibility of discovery is one of the things I both love and hate, but mainly love. I’ve not been out without underwear since my mastectomy, but it is something I plan this summer.

In the bedroom, playroom or club he likes me to wear clothes he considers sexy. These tend to be leather harnesses, a net dress or something similar. Kink wear feels natural in those environments, but outside they feel less so.

But the main way in which Master likes to humiliate me is through the use of certain words. That is where Master’s pleasing bitch comes in. Soon after I became his slave, Master renamed me His pleasing bitch. The use of this name and also calling me girl were designed to show that it was he that was important rather than me. It was almost that I didn’t need a specific identity. Instead my whole role was to please him and to be the bitch he wanted and needed.

Being treated as ‘just’ slave was humiliating and degrading. But also it was completely liberating. Suddenly I was able to leave my identity as Julie behind, including the baggage of life. Instead I could just be MPB or this girl.

Reflections on humiliation in this M/s relationship

In my past relationship, humiliation was about looking slutty and being called names. Rather than hate it, I loved it. But the dressing up part was a kind of role play and still is.

Now, I am always slave. But there is still the need for ritual to get into the right mindset. The burdens of every day life remain, along with the responsibilities that go with them. So we engage in a ritual where I tell him who and what I am. During this I recite that: this girl is his bitch, his pleasing bitch. That he is this girl’s Master and that he controls her limits.

While this is most often immediately before sex or play, that doesn’t mean that it can’t occur at other times. It is humiliating to recite this mantra, but also it reaffirms that I am his slave and always will be.

Girl

At what age do we leave our girlhood behind and instead become a woman. Adulthood for me was technically reached at 18, but in many ways I was still a girl. I hadn’t yet had sex, didn’t have many responsibilities and hadn’t yet voted in a general election. Emotionally I hadn’t fully developed and did so over the next 2 or 3 years. Older family members were used to 21 being the age when you were considered of age. I received many cards on my 21st birthday with keys on them. I was still 21 when I married my ex and took on a mortgage, a responsible job (qualified nurse) and all of the baggage that comes with it. During my 20’s I still considered myself a girl in many ways and then I became a parent and was definitely a woman.

Fast forward to 2014 and I met a man who insisted and still insists on calling me a girl. His girl. He also had me calling myself ‘this girl’.

When I started my blog in 2012, I referred to myself as Joolz and called the blog world of Joolz. S invariably called me Joolz and actually that had been something of a nickname during my teenage years. But Master felt Joolz was someone I had been. Now I was to be ‘this girl’.

Some quotes from my blog

New Dom would like me to refer to myself in the third person when i am in submissive role. He feels it will help me to explore my submission more and to hand more of myself to him (or something like that). At the same time i will call him Sir or Master, or as a further suggestion Lord. I nearly fell off my chair at that one and he wondered if i was being a little bratty! i expect i was, but i think that this girl will call Him Sir or Master rather than Lord!

15 Feb 2014

Who are you? He asked when she had given Him that huge orgasm and had on his instructions kept it coming.
Who was she?
This girl. she was this girl. she was also this slut, this bitch, this whore. She was His submissive. She is this girl.
He smiled. He loves the feeling of power this gives to Him. This girl likes to know that she had given herself, all of herself to Him. So much so, that at these moments she no longer has a name.

6 May 2014

If anyone had told me 9 months ago that I would again be anyone’s girl I would have laughed in their faces. Me, a 50 something year old woman, someone’s girl?
But now, not only do I like being His girl, but I love the fact that is what He calls me all of the time. What is more, I love to be in a place where where we are anonymous and where I can call Him Master, even in a public place.
The power and control He has over me, His girl is often subtle. So much so, that no one else can tell it is there. But right now, it is ever present, even as now from a thousand miles away.

28 October 2014
Reflections on being ‘this girl’

I know that many Dominant’s use the term girl to refer to their submissive. It has nothing to do with age play but does relate to the power dynamic.

Over the years, I have not only got used to being His girl but embrace it. When Master tells me to call myself ‘this girl’, he is reminding me of who and what I am. Sometimes I need that reminder.