Elaborate – Menopause take 2

I have mostly just mentioned my menopause in passing. There certainly aren’t many times when I have tagged the word. But this post makes reference. This week’s Wicked Wednesday prompt asks us to elaborate on a story or blog post from before. My Wicked Wednesday then is about my experience of the menopause first time around and how it feels to be going through many of the symptoms again.

First time

I was approaching my 50th birthday when the first signs appeared. Hot flashes and night sweats were the main symptoms. Of course, my age told me exactly what was happening. I was reluctant to see the doctor and ask for HRT straight away. Firstly I thought I should see how things panned out, but also at the back of the mind were thoughts about links to breast cancer.

Almost immediately my periods stopped. Dead. Just like that. To be frank, that was something of a relief. Already they had reduced down to a day or so, though had remained regular. One day though, I had a period and never had one again. But I continued to suffer from PMT for a while longer, until that too disappeared. So far so good.

The main issue really was the number of hot flashes I experienced in any day. Plus the fact they came on rapidly as soon as I was under the slightest pressure. That might be a meeting, but equally could be when my boss approached me for a report. I didn’t even have to be particularly anxious for one to descend. Then there were the ones at other times, in the shower, eating dinner, just minding my business watching TV. But at least they weren’t keeping me awake.

At night I would struggle to sleep, then as soon as I drifted off, I’d wake with perspiration dripping off me. I got myself something called a cool pillow which worked, but wasn’t comfortable for sleeping. Looking back I managed with broken sleep most nights for months and months. If a baby had come along unexpectedly, I’d have been ready! But there was also the vaginal dryness and pain when having sex I’ve spoken of before and will link to when I find the posts.

Gradually over the past 18 months though the symptoms disappeared, or certainly were too infrequent to worry about. Then I got breast cancer.

Menopause take two

My breast cancer was hormone, especially oestrogen dependent. I had assumed that being post menopausal and no longer menstruating that I would no longer produce oestrogen. That wasn’t the case and while levels are lower, women continue to produce the hormone after the menopause.

So once I had recovered from surgery I was started on a tablet called Letrozole designed to completely stop the production of oestrogen and so prevent a recurrence of the tumour. These tablets have many potential side effects, including joint pains. Thankfully for me the effects are restricted to menopause type symptoms.

This time round the hot flashes and night sweats are pretty mild. I have noticed I feel hotter in general than I used to and prefer to be too cool than too hot. I have a low threshold for taking my coat off when in a shop or coffee shop for example. The feeling of being overheated is very unpleasant. I don’t get as many hot flashes as I did in the midst of the menopause but enough to be annoying. And while I don’t wake up with a soaking pillow, I do find myself outside of the covers more than I am under neath them.

Of course it is a small price to pay and I would rather do all I can to minimise the risk of recurrence. But that doesn’t mean these symptoms aren’t irritating and sometimes embarrassing. But, oh well. Menopause take two it is.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Zeal

Zeal is defined as: great energy or enthusiasm in pursuit of a cause or objective.

If you read my first few posts my excitement and enthusiasm for the future was palpable. I didn’t know what would happen, whether my foray into the unknown would be a short lived thing. But I embraced the experiences and wrote about them in this blog. It would be impossible to write for 7 years without some zeal and I tend to approach most projects with the same enthusiasm. But this can be tiring and can’t be sustained over a long period. So many times over the years my words have dried up and I have questioned the blog’s purpose. I’m sure that will continue to occur from time to time.

Purpose

In the past I was always heading in some kind of direction, there were goals to achieve, decisions to be made. Things are different now. This blog has become a record of the here and now, it’s a place to write my thoughts and feelings and post photos of those experiences.

My breast cancer experience gave me a new reason for writing. I was angry and scared. Writing about what was happening helped me process and articulate my thoughts. As always it has also produced a lasting memory. The next part of that journey will be my breast reconstruction, which I intend to write about in depth. And Zeal will be required to see it through to a conclusion, since it requires major surgery.

Readership

I still try to write for myself, but know that others read what I have to say. I participate in memes, mainly to help with inspiration. But also because I want to take part, to join in. Of course this could lead to a loss of focus on the main purpose of the blog (if there was one), or the quality of what is published. I hope that isn’t the case.

My main reader is Master. He still looks back at old posts as well as reading the new. He and I have many discussions about my blog content, which I think is healthy. Otherwise my readership is growing and I love that is happening. I guess it gives me permission to branch out into topics that people would like me to write about.

Zealous to the end

This has been my 4th year of participating in the A to Z of blogging. As always I started with zeal and even planned ahead. I think my choice of using the 7 years of material on the blog was a good one. But I underestimated the work involved in finding the right links for each post. It involved reading an awful lot of old posts, some of which I would rather have left alone. However, it is done and there is really only one post (UVW), a 3 in one post, that I’m not happy with. Time, the fact I have written about topics before and a small amount of apathy, played a part. But I have made it to Z with zeal.

I am not sure there will be a 5th year though. I think I have run out of energy for this one.

YKINMK

There is an acronym widely used in the BDSM world: your kink is not my kink (YKINMK). Added to which Your kink is ok (YKIOK).

This recognises that no two relationships are the same and that we need to respect that fact. Many people portray kink and BDSM as if there were only one way (a true way). But of course that is not the case.

I write a lot about my relationship with my Master, which we define as Master / slave. We have few protocols and rules and our dynamic ebbs and flows. It works for us and we take it very seriously. But the M/s relationship of other couples will be different and that is fine with us. We respect their relationship and wouldn’t dream of telling them they are doing it wrong.

But there are people out there who take great pleasure in advising others that their way is the true way and that yours is wrong. You can find quite a bit of this kind of advice on Fetlife and some message boards and chat sites. Generally I try to keep clear of those these days.

A great place for information and advice is Missy and His Lordship’s website: The Safeword D/s Club. There you will find forums and chat which will help you make up your own mind. Of course there are others, such as fetish.com, alt.com where Master and I met. But you always need to beware that not everyone is who they say they are. Plus there will always be people who try to tell you that their way is the only way.

Some years ago, fellow bloggers coined another acronym – TTWD – The thing we do. The thing you do is fine, it is unique to you and I guess it means the same as YKINMK. Remember though, YKIOK. Just don’t ram it down my throat, keep it to your blog. And I’ll do the same.

X rated

Until 2015 most of the photos that appeared on my blog were of other people, often found on Tumblr. It was really participating in February Photofest that year, and then Sinful Sunday that encouraged my exhibitionist nature to emerge. From the start of our relationship Master photographed me during play and sex. But over time I have become more willing to show those images on my blog. At one time I would never have shown my face, but I worry less about that now. I feel I have less to lose by being discovered. Plus there are times when you need at least part of your face visible to be able to appreciate the full enjoyment of the moment that has been captured. This is such an image. It is pretty X-rated and now not even safe for Tumblr, let alone work!

An image of me enjoying the pleasure of my Master's cock.
Sinful Sunday

Taking a risk

For most of my life I was decidedly risk averse. I looked for certainty and security, but I was frightened that if I took the wrong decision it would backfire and terrible things would happen. I was moribund by fear. Lately I have discovered that if you never take a risk then life may well pass you by. Opportunities will fall in the lap of others and you will be left wondering; What if?

I was just 21 when I married my childhood sweetheart. It was what was expected since we had already been together for 5 years. I had an inkling that this wasn’t going to be the best choice, but how do you get out of such a thing when everyone is in full preparation mode. I’m not saying we weren’t happy, because we were, for a while. But in hindsight it set me up for what was to come.

We waited to have children firstly because we were young and I was starting my nursing career. But mainly we wanted to be more financially stable. We only had one child because the level of financial stability required never actually happened. Plus, I didn’t trust my husband by then since he had already had an affair.

Speaking of which, I didn’t throw him out when he had the affair since I was frightened of being alone. Worried about what others would think or say.

I stayed in jobs longer than I should. While ambitious, staying in a safe job appealed more than applying for something that I might fail at.

I look back and wonder why I behaved as I did. Why it was I never took a risk, until the day I did.

Taking that first risk was a catalyst

In 2012 I decided to have sex with a man who wasn’t my husband. Having found someone online that I was attracted to, I went off and had sex with him. Actually there had been a few occasions before that. I had met up with a couple of men I’d met online for lunches, days out and a bit of a snog and grope. But when I went off to meet S in south London on that day in 2012, I went with the intention of having sex. He was the second man I had had PIV sex with in my life. He was also the first man I had anal with and the first man I had knelt before.

Once I had taken that first risk there was little to stop me. I embraced new experiences and decided to begin to put myself before the needs of others. That’s not to say I completely disregarded them, far from it. But it set me on the journey to discover what I was missing in life and how to make the changes I knew I needed.

It has taken 7 years but the end result is here and now. In many ways, again risk free. But at least I know what I want, what I need and what I can have from life. That is something of a difference.

Unique, Vanilla, Weekends

Unique

I wanted to write about the amazing and unique folks I have met in real life and encountered online as part of this blogging journey. From the start I found the support and encouragement provided by other bloggers was unrivalled. Many of the blogs I read in those early days have unfortunately gone. But the comments of those bloggers on my posts remain. It was through reading and commenting that led them to me. I can’t underestimate the importance of supporting each others work, of commenting and providing constructive feedback. So if you find a blog and visit regularly, then comment. You and they are a unique bunch of people.

Vanilla

I have a category on my blog labelled: Vanilla family life. There was a time when my life was clearly decided between my vanilla life and kinky pursuits. A time when I juggled family and relationships, work and play time. But as external elements to my current relationship fell away, so have the posts in that category.

Yesterday I met with my husband and agreed that finally we will divorce. It pains me that for so many years, I wrote that this day was imminent. Only to discover that another year went by and little seemed to have changed.

It is only now that I can look back and see that changes had been incremental and that the day would come when that part of my life would be complete. That day is almost here.

There will always be vanilla family times. I have responsibilities as a mother and daughter. But increasingly we live our life in the way we want. The balance has definitely shifted.

Weekends away

Weekends away are an important interlude when you are working. Indeed they still are. From the beginning of the blog I wrote about the fun that went with a weekend spent away from home, often in a hotel. The most memorable from the previous relationship with S was when we met up with another couple in Warwick. This included my one and only sexual encounter with another woman. It also included DP with her partner and S. I struggle to this day to express my feelings about it all, other than to say sensory overload occured. I guess it is still the kinkiest thing I have done.

When Master and I are away for the weekend we try to capture a Sinful Sunday opportunity along the way. That way we have a record of the lovely rooms, beautiful mirrors, bathrooms and other fun things that happen along the way.

Memories are made and recorded and sometimes blogged about later. These days though we don’t always have to go away at the weekend. Sometimes it might be a Monday night….

Elust 117

Photo courtesy of Master’s Eye

Welcome to Elust 117

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #118? Start with the rules, come back May 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!  

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

A dominant presence He Gripped Her Hand and Centered Her Being alone together.  

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

What the fig? Mind and body

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

O! or, errr… NO!: Orgasm Control in an F/m Dynamic   *You really should consider adding your popular posts here too* All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!  

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Fantasies Never Let You Down My First Love New Fun with Old Friends Sometimes coming joint second emotional disconnection, sex and loneliness People Don’t Talk about This Sh!t

Erotic Fiction

Waking the Fallen Daisy opera seria Catch the Catcher Club Dress Extended Dreams … (the Second : Arabian Nights) The orgasmic arch

Erotic Non-Fiction

The Five Senses of Sex A public beating Rope Dreams

Poetry

-01.04.19_00:22-

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Primal Regression and Submission 14 Qualities of a “Good” Dominant Balance in F/m voices

Events

Do I want you to hold my hand?

Body Talk and Sexual Health

Sex in Class That’s My Kink – All Hail The Nipple Clit

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Why I’m not smiling for IWD     Elust

Travel

One of the greatest pleasures in my life now, is that I am able to travel to new places. But also that I get to do it with a man who so enjoys exploring new places and showing me places he has visited before. We are fortunate to be able to go away from home frequently, for short breaks and longer. I mention my travels frequently on my blog, and use opportunities that arise for photography.

Below is a few of our favourite places.

France

In 2013 I was made redundant and took the decision to buy a small apartment in the south west of France. This little bolthole of mine is somewhere I have travelled to alone, with my son, my mum and with Master. I own it with my ex (for reasons that were clear at the time, but are less so now) but have never visited with him. It is close to the City where Master spent a year as a student and in an area I have visited for almost 20 years.

Our first visit together was within a couple of months of meeting and our most recent was last week. We will always return there when we want some time to ourselves away from our normal life.

Lisbon

The first place Master took me to was Lisbon. In June 2014 would have been my 30th wedding anniversary. Even though we were living apart, being anywhere near my ex on the day would have felt wrong. I was feeling vulnerable, wondering if I had done the right thing and getting away was just what I needed. Lisbon was wonderful, even though our luggage got lost and I had hardly any clothes to wear. We were able to see most of the sites and generally explore the city together. At the time I expected this holiday to be a one off. Instead it turned into something much more.

We returned to Lisbon on our way to Cape Verde in February. I’d like to see much more of Portugal though.

Amsterdam

Master lived in Amsterdam for 5 years and he is a great tour guide for all of the places the books don’t really cover. But be prepared to walk miles and to find yourself in some weird and wonderful places. We visited in August 2014 and again in the November. When he booked a most amazing hotel room with jacuzzi bath and sauna in the room. It was a special treat following the death of my dad. Since then we have visited several more times and will return in May. This time though, we will also be exploring more of Holland and The Netherlands. We plan on that trip to meet up with Marie and Master T.

Spain

Master has visited Spain many times, it is one of his favorite countries to holiday in. He first took me to Andalucia for Easter in 2015. Since then we have visited Northern Spain around the Pyrenees, but have also been back to Seville a couple of times. We spent Christmas there in 2015 and returned for the Feria last year. This is another area of the Europe I think we will visit over and again.

Submission

I have written a lot about submission on this blog. The whole thing started with my discovery that I was a submissive person. That my need to please others, to lead a structured and orderly life had a name.

But what is clear from reading back, I really had no idea what I was getting into. I craved the control of another, for someone to take the lead, to tell me what I should do. But had no real idea the extent to which I wanted to be sexually dominated. Then once that had happened, that I would need so much more from my submission.

During 2012/13 when the whole consept of D/s was new to me I answered a series of questions (30 days of submission). Later when this relationship was new, in 2014 I revisited them. Links to the posts are here.

Key points from 2012 /13

Our D/s was mainly confined to the bedroom (and other places we had sex). Control came through the way S expected me to dress. Stockings and heels were his thing and I complied. I also started to wear more skirts and dresses.

When we were together there was a lot of sex. It was also pretty ritualistic, i.e. everything happened in a particular order. It was exciting, but it later transpired that he was busy ticking things off a D/s checklist.

This is not to undermine the great times we had together, or that I learnt a lot about sex and something about D/s.

Key points from 2014

The first thing I learnt when I met Master, was that all relationships (D/s or vanilla) are different. Next, I learned that I didn’t know as much about D/s, submission or BDSM as I thought.

It took me a while to work out if this submission thing was for real or play. Yes, there was quite a bit of play in those early days. But there was more to it. There were rules about dress and how we addressed each other. But there were other aspects of behaviour which Master sought to control from the start. Already, in May 2014 I had a view of the kind of submissive I might want to be.

Submission for this girl is developing into something that happens more within daily life than before. In the past submission was definitely part of a scene or getting ready for one. Increasingly this girl is handing over more control of herself to Sir, those areas of life where in reality she doesn’t need or desire it. This girl sees that more and more she will not make decisions that are important without discussing them with Him and ultimately seeking and receiving his permission to take a particular route. Increasing this is becoming a need rather than a desire.

18 May 2014
And today

I am the same person I was in 2012 and 2014. I enjoy being dominated in the play room or bedroom. I will follow rules, but often forget unless reminded. But the key element of my submission the extent to which I need to be controlled. I have handed over so much of the control I have over my own life that I almost feel like a different person.

That isn’t to say that I don’t make decisions for myself. But increasingly I feel the need to defer to him. I want him to take the lead and when he can’t for some reason I become anxious. I like that he has this power over me and when he is able to exert control it makes me feel safe and secure.

Submission is exactly what I thought it would be. But it is also very different. It is also something that is difficult to describe and no doubt I will need to return to.