Then and now

So many people have commented and indeed congratulated me on my strength. It is true that I have surprised even myself on how I have coped. Much of it is to do with my personality, the no fuss and drama me (though I can create both when provoked). Also because I like to have information before panicking and try to be optimistic in these matters. But make no mistake having breast cancer was the worst and scariest thing I have ever had to face. Losing one of my lovely breasts has been terrible, I morn it every day. In this post I will try to explain my then and now. There is no need to be sorry about any of this, I don’t need sympathy, just the chance to tell.

Then

Until pregnancy I was quite small busted, but while pregnant they grew and never went down. I always had a good cleavage and many people, men and women have admired it. High necked clothes don’t suit me, my face and neck look too fat in them. I prefer a lower cut dress or top. My bras were all plunging, not padded as they made me look bigger than I wanted, but underwired for support. Not that I was sagging especially; I was told I had great tits for my age (former relationship) and great tits full stop (this one). To me, with my expanding middle and puckered hips, my tits were my best asset.

Then

Once I gained confidence with my blog and began posting pictures of myself, they were often of my breasts. My pierced nipples, me bulging out of a leather waistcoat or wearing a leather harness. Master called them my jugs and played with them a lot. My nipples, especially the right were very sensitive and I have had nipple orgasms more than once. To me my breasts were my best asset and I am fucking angry and mightily sad that I now only have one.

Now

The skin around the wound is soft and smooth, but the scar line itself is kind of puckered with little folds. The area under my arm remains numb and puffy. No one can tell me if and when it will recover. I touch the wound area quite a lot. During the day the area under my bra gets hot and itchy and sometimes I can’t help but rub it. Obviously not out in public but in the comfort of my living room. Lying in bed too, I stroke it. You see, most of the time I can’t really tell I don’t have a boob there and of course neither can anyone else.

I have a silicone prosthesis that fits inside my bra, it looks (and feels according to master) pretty realistic. But you can’t wear this kind of thing with a skimpy bra with a plunging cleavage. This means that I have bought several new bras, but not thrown any of the 15 or more old ones I have away. However I may soon move them into a box under the bed for the future (see below).

Master still loves to play with the breast and nipple on the left side. He strokes and nibbles, pulls and pinches. He also strokes the place where my right one used to be. But it isn’t the same. Even when I am aroused by what he is doing, I am thinking of what I have lost. His fingers on my wound area and surroundings are pleasant, but there is no sexual arousal from it. Instead he concentrates on the left and my other erogenous zones.

Now

The biggest challenge for me now though is looking at other people’s tits. While I still love to look at everyone’s Sunday and other day blog and twitter posts. I can’t help but feel a twinge when I see a lovely pair of tits staring out at me. Likewise looking at old photos of myself makes me happy that I have so many, but sad that there will be no more like them. I also find myself looking for signs of the cancer within, of course there was never any sign.

Future

I know these feelings will pass. It has, after all only been 3 months since the operation and my treatment won’t be completed until the end of this month.

In the future I hope to have a breast reconstruction. To be able to show two breasts to myself, to Master and this little area of the world would be wonderful. I know any reconstructed breast won’t be the same. It is likely that the surgeon will have to reduce the size of the left one, so I would be smaller than before. But I know it is what I want. To be able to wear any bra, or to be able to go braless. Summer days with no bra, that has to be something to aim for.

Before that, well I will try to be as body positive as I can. But don’t imagine that this has been easy or that it ever will be again. I loved my boobs and I will have to learn to love having one again.

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21 Replies to “Then and now”

  1. This was a very open thing to write. I have no doubt you will keep working towards that goal and every day figuring out how it all feels and what to do with that. GO YOU!

  2. This post displays an iron core of inner strength. Thank you for having shared it with others who may well be in a similar position and who don’t have the words or the pluck to go public in the way that you have.Huge respect to you❣️

  3. You continually impress me with your strength Julie – my friend had a reconstruction and ended up with amazing boobs again – I am am sure you will too – sending good vibes your way x

  4. It is early days, but I love that you are sharing your journey with us. As Maltreduchaton says it’s a post that others may benefit from, and we will all celebrate with and for you when you get the reconstruction you desire.
    Indie xx

  5. What an incredibly tough thing to go through, thank you for sharing. Your attitude really is an inspiration. Here’s to that happy future filled with rediscovered body positivity.

    O

  6. I am sitting here, totally in awe of your strength, Julie! The way you have written this, the honesty, the sharing of your feelings… I have no words. Thank you for continuing to share this difficult journey with us!

    Rebel xox

  7. Thank you for writing this post. It can’t be an easy journey examining your own feelings about your breasts during your treatment, but I found it really insightful. I hope the rest of this month goes well and your pragmatic approach to writing this blog helps with your healing.
    Missy x

  8. I hope that time goes quickly and you can get to the place were you can have a new boob. I can’t imagine dealing with all this and I think you have done it with amazing grace and fortitude.

    Molly

  9. Julie – this was such an honest post which really demonstrates your strength of character and ability to find the positive. I agree with others that this post will most likely to help others. It will take a while to become accustomed to your scar and the new shape and I applaud your determination for the reconstruction surgery, which I hope is the start of a new booby era! Such a great post – thanks.

    1. Thanks for a lovely comment Posy. I guess you can’t even begin to adjust until the physical healing has taken place and that’s the period I am in now xx

  10. Thank you for writing this. Once again, you show us your strength. And my fingers are crossed for continued healing (especially that numb spot) and a new boob in the future.

Your thoughts are always welcome

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