Submissive training – is it necessary?

This prompt for Tell Me About has had me thinking for a few days. It is common to see information about ‘training your submissive’ in BDSM manuals and guides. Submissive training is also a big thing in fiction, for example the Brie series by Red Phoenix which is set in a training centre for submissive females. I can’t deny that I found the books extremely hot when I read them a few years ago. But is submissive training actually necessary for someone in a D/s or M/s relationship? And if so, what might it comprise of?

Submissive – born or made?

I don’t think you can train someone to actually be a submissive as such. It is something that comes from within, almost a need. However I do think there are elements of submission that take time to emerge. Reading about different types of relationship and considering what you as a submissive might want from them is useful. Understanding the elements of BDSM and what you, as a submissive want to find out more about, or try. Each dominant will have their own way of doing things and have ideas about how they wish the relationship to play out. Whether this takes the form of training, conditioning or something else is debatable.

Training vs education and learning

In a previous life I was education lead for a group of public sector organisations. I organised learning and development courses, bought places on university courses and was in charge of mandatory training. I hated the word training, though was forced to use it. That’s because without an element of educational learning behaviour can’t change. Maybe you can train a dog to fetch something, but we don’t generally do that with humans.

Learning new skills, understanding about consent and safety, finding someone in real life to help mentor as well as reading fiction and factual accounts of a dominant submissive lifestyle seems a good approach. I guess some dominants may train their submissives as they would a dog but I’m not sure that is a good approach. Even teaching positions, kneeling or preparation for anal sex should be about more than just practical training. Knowledge of your own body, elements of safety and learning from others is vital.

How did I learn to be the slave I am today?

Back at the beginning I found all I could about submission and BDSM in general through the internet. I joined forums and information sites and followed links to blogs. Then I read erotic novels and bought a couple of ‘how to’ books written by those with experience of the lifestyle. But it wasn’t until I got together with S that I began to understand what might be involved in a D/s relationship. Unfortunately that was when I realised I had a romantic view of being a submissive. However on the plus side I also discovered that I enjoyed pain, humiliation and degradation. By the end of that relationship, I had a better knowledge of what I wanted.

When I first met Master I was under the impression that I knew everything there was to know about being a submissive. But Master is a different kind of Dominant to S (as you’d expect). So I had to begin to learn how to be Master’s submissive. Bed room and play room stuff is easy in comparison to learning what they want from you as a person. It has been elements of my behaviour that have changed. This hasn’t happened through training but through reflection and communication. What’s more, we have learned together how to be each others Master and slave. And from that has come trust.

Reading and blogging as a learning tool

Writing about our experiences is a great way to reflect and learn. Especially through interaction with each other and some level of challenge. Master has always read this blog and continues to read current and past posts. Journaling is also useful, so long as there is an effort to think and review what has been written.

Many people find this blog through searching for submissive / slave relationships. So maybe I’m doing my bit in helping to educate a new generation of dominants and submissives. Or maybe it is just a way of getting off on some sexy writing. Who knows?

I for one love to read other D/s related blogs. All relationships are different and there is no one way of being a dominant or submissive. But it is great to learn and to reflect on those differences. Plus it gives us things to talk about when the Safeword D/s club meets online.

tellmeabout

Elust #124

Elust 124 Header

Photo courtesy of Discovering Kink

Welcome to Elust 124

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #125? Start with the rules, come back December1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Death of Sexual Desire

Snapshot

Your consent is not continual

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Smile for the Camera

Lessons From Two Years in a Polyamorous Triad

All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

This Moment
Always in Character

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

A rose by any other name
Ideas for non-impact pain play
So you want to be a submissive wife
Female Chastity – physical or emotional
Anal – A slow and careful undoing

Erotic Fiction

Good Girl Bunny
Seduced by the Succubus
A Strange Encounter
Calling upon the Spirits of Air
Gosh, Didn’t Know You Were Here

Erotic Non-Fiction

A Gentleman’s Excuse Me
Do I Dare?
Headmaster Dixon Will See You Now
The cutie pie and the sex toy
One Year of Chastity!!

Poetry

-02.11.19_17:38-

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

What sex is REALLY like, in my world:

Body Talk and Sexual Health

My Diva Cup Experience

Movies and Books

Halloween
Hardcore (1979): The Celluloid Dungeon

 

Elust

Planning for breast reconstruction

I haven’t written about my breast cancer journey for a while. Well I have weaved things that have already happened into various posts. But as for the journey itself, there has been nothing much to say. In early summer when I first saw the plastic surgeons, I was led to believe the wait for breast reconstruction would be quite short. So I told them I wanted to delay and in September I was put on the waiting list. We have kept the post Christmas to spring period free in our diaries. We hadn’t booked Eroticon tickets. But things have changed.

I wasn’t worried that I hadn’t seen the consultant yet. But now I realise this would have been desirable. The junior doctors are great assets to their boss, but didn’t really have the whole picture. I was vaguely told to lose weight and told I could phone to find out when my surgery would likely be.

On Friday I saw a really pleasant and straight forward specialist nurse. I used to do something like she does, though in a different field. I am confident that she knows how the system works. She told me that next time I MUST see the consultant. She also told me that before my breast reconstruction goes ahead, I must lost weight. That they have tightened up this rule because BMI seems to have been a factor when looking at those who recover less quickly.

My weight

To say I am struggling to lose any weight is an understatement. But at least I have maintained – i.e I am the same weight today as about a year ago. The nurse and I agreed that a loss of about a stone (16lb) would be optimum. But I have already excluded most sugar, all sugary and artificial sweetened drinks. I rarely eat anything fatty and don’t know when I last ate pizza. The only thing I can think of is wine. So, I’ll have to reduce that drastically now. The nurse didn’t argue when I said that I thought Letrozole was contributing.

I’ve decided to try intermittent fasting, on the basis that metabolism is affected by constant dieting. Also that frequent food intake may cause insulin resistance. I’m busy reading up on this approach and feel that it can’t hurt. I’m going to go back to reporting my progress on here over the next few months, to help keep a record.

Other aspects of planning

We went through the implications of the DIEP surgery – the actual operation, potential risks and side effects and after care. This really is a major operation. I was also told that the longer between the end of radiotherapy and surgery the better. This involves micro surgery to tiny blood vessels in my breast and abdomen. The reality of the enormity of what I am putting myself forward for hit. Waiting feels right even if the list was shorter.

I need to be as fit and well prepared as possible for this surgery. I need to follow the advice of the health professionals and Master and I need to be as ready as we can be. So we can plan some things for winter and spring.

Fun things to do

Eroticon tickets are now in the bag, we just need to sort out hotel etc. Master has a big birthday at the end of March, so we are planning for that. There’s also an English Song Festival in April and I will want to get over to France to get things ready for summer. We can also book a summer holiday and the hospital will honour this. But I happily put myself forward for a short notice call from the end of spring. So long as I am physically ready, I think I will be emotionally fit to take a cancellation. Or failing that to have my breast reconstruction surgery when I get to the top of the list. Whenever that is.

A bright new day

How I miss the bright, Mediterranean mornings of summer. The heat already burning through the patio door at 8am. The sky blue and the sun high.

My apartment in France is wonderful in summer. It does get rather hot in the evening and over night. But each day brings a coolness that lasts till late morning. Which is how I managed to get work done every day. It’s quite small space, though perfectly enough for two. However as you can see there is clutter I couldn’t quite hide in this photo.

But what is clear, is that this is another bright new day.

Standing in the doorway to our bedroom I am facing the living area and the window to the Mediterranean sun. This was taken in our small apartment in France.
Sinful Sunday

Being a Leo

A female lion watched by a male

I’d like to say that I don’t believe a word of what is written about astrology and star signs. But I do. Being a Leo means I am a lion, the queen of the jungle. Apparently vivacious, theatrical and passionate. I would believe in astrology less if more of what I read about Leo’s were less true of me. You see, I really do like to be centre stage. And I like attention to be all about me. Unfortunately this has been one of the main problems in my life. You see, my mum is also a Leo.

My relationship with my mum

My mum has always put our challenging relationship down to the fact we are so similar. This is probably a genetic issue, we do look quite alike and I know I have similar mannerisms (though I hate to admit it). But there is something more to it and I think the problem is that we are both Leos. But worse than that our birthdays are one day apart. I can think of very few times when she has given way for me on the celebration front. She has conveniently forgotten on many occasions that I might like to celebrate my birthday too and not necessarily with her. The one occasion that she did put me first was when she held my nan’s funeral on her birthday rather than mine.

However my Leo mother is now 80 and I am 57, so there is nothing to do but live with our differences. The fact that she gets lonely is not only to do with the fact she wants people to put her first. But also because she is a widow and lives alone. Unfortunately she speaks first and thinks second and this has alienated her from people. Making her more lonely. However, she is my mum and I do love her and so where others stay away, I am unable to.

Leos and love

My ex husband is Libra, this is meant to be a good match for a Leo and in a way it was. He was happy for me to have the limelight. Happy to do things I wanted, so long as I got him to think that he had thought of it. But his main problem was his inability to make a decision. He hates to rock the boat and dislikes change. In the end, some of those traits drove me mad. Of course, his star sign had no bearing on me deciding to marry him. That would be stupid. Though I met a woman once who took a dislike to my husband because he was a Libra just like her ex. And that was without even knowing him.

Master is an Aries, as was Steve. Both are assertive. Steve might have been a bit more energetic (he was such a whirlwind at times he made me feel exhausted). Apparently for people born under Aries the seduction is worth more than the lay. This was true for Steve as he always seemed to be ticking off a bucket list. Once he had done them he moved on; he certainly did that with me.

Master and I are a much more compatible Aries / Leo combo. He is an attentive lover. We love and trust each other and I have no intention of allowing this to change. My problems with my ex were trust based and for me this is important.

It’s not the only thing to consider

While I am interested in the general traits that are attributed to the various star signs, I am not an avid watcher or believer in horoscopes. I believe it is possible, with a lot of information for someone who has knowledge of astrology, to make lifestyle predictions. But I don’t believe that the stuff peddled online or in newspapers is valid.

This is my horoscope for today:

Young visitors bring out the best in you today. Have you prepared some delicious food for your guests? When you want to, you can be a great host, keeping guests entertained and even enthralled. In return, they’re thoroughly enjoyable company. This should be a happy interlude for you since you like being sociable. You may receive a welcome delivery some time during the day, too.

Horoscope.com

It’s true I am a good host and like good company. I am sociable, but I wouldn’t wait in for visitors that don’t arrive on this basis. Or maybe I should have invited some random young people to visit! But the same page does say my love interest today is Aries and that of course is true. He is my love interest everyday.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

The things we do fo love

Like walking in the rain and the snow
When there’s nowhere to go
And you’re feelin’ like a part of you is dying
And you’re looking for the answer in her eyes
You think you’re gonna break up
Then she says she wants to make up

The things we do for love…….

10cc

The lyrics above are what I first thought of when I saw the F4T prompt. I bought the album about the time I first went out with my future husband. I was young and impressionable and did quite a lot for love. The song is about communication and compromise. I’d have done well to read and digest the lyrics, but I was only 15 at the time. I was more interested in singing along and listening to the other tracks on the album (Live and let Live).

The things I’ve done for love in the past
  • Stayed after infidelity for the love of my child (I’ve written about this a lot)
  • Got myself into debt for the love of a man and child, as well as a desire for material goods – Funnily enough it was in my name and not his. But I also got us out of it, so yay for me.
  • Been on holiday with family to places I didn’t choose – Tunisia when I wanted to go to Rhodes springs immediately to mind.
  • Spent numerous family days at my parents when I’d rather have been at home. Especially at Christmas. I am doing it again this year to prevent my mum being alone. A lot of the things I do for my mum are for love because she is quite a difficult person to like.
  • Cared for my dad when he was dying. Trouble was quite a lot of the nursing staff left me to it. After all I am a nurse. My brothers were also a bit frightened and I cared for them and my mum too. I wouldn’t change this for the world however.
  • Tried to smooth things between my ex and my son. But I now recognise it’s time to leave them to it.
The things I do for love now

Over the past few years I have done more things for the love of myself than others. This wasn’t always the case. But also I am fortunate to have the love of a man who cares for me in a way I never thought possible. This love started without the expectations of the one with my ex. We were much much older and got together knowing that we both had an interest in sex, kink, Dominance and submission. What emerged was much much more.

With Master I have learned to be the slave he wanted and I have agreed to things I doubt I would with anyone else. One of the main things that fall in that category links back to the GOTN post mentioned on the prompt page – Piss play. It’s his kink and not really mine, but I will let him piss on me and am happy to p on him. I pretty much would do anything he asks when it comes to kink.

That’s why I offered up my limits when I agreed to become his slave. I trust Master to make those decisions for me. I do know that I can say no but will rarely do so. But partly that is because he will usually discuss things with me before he tries something new.

However, our life isn’t just about kink, far from it. I’ve grown to like quite a lot of classical music because of his interest. I go to plays and events I would never have even known about and have visited places on the basis he had been there and liked them. Some of it I wouldn’t do on my own, but am happy to be there with him. Other things I find I enjoy and would be there even if he wasn’t.

But the best thing really is that we get to be together, explore new things, go to new places and learn from our mistakes. One of the best things is that the things I do for love now are also things he does for love too. That includes visiting my mum at Christmas when he would rather be at home.

F4Thought

Touch me

My pierced nipple shows between his fingers as he rests his hand upon my breast.

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.”

Henri Nouwen

Sinful Sunday

Resetting our relationship dynamic

All relationships change over time. After the first flush of excitement of a new relationship we settle into a routine. But over time, physical and/ or emotional needs will alter and this can lead to problems. One aspect of a power exchange relationship that is usually different from vanilla, is communication. For us, listening and watching for signs that things aren’t right has been fundamental.

The start

It’s nearly 6 years since Master and I got together. Those initial months were spent getting to know each other and working out the rules of our relationship. By that I don’t just mean those set our within our dynamic. But also the unwritten, unsaid stuff that makes you a couple. We didn’t live together, but gradually we began to spend most weekends together. Then to go out in the week if something came up.

Master bought me items of fetish clothing or new toys and introduced them for play and sex, and gradually there were changes to our dynamic. Going out without panties or a bra. Wearing sexier clothing or dressing up for him, was all new at the time.

The first reset came when Master decided to end his relationship with his primary slave. Before that we had assumed that our relationship would only survive in that form until his slave joined him from America. When we knew that wouldn’t happen, we settled into forming a more lasting connection.

A collar and commitment

Master collared me once we were both sure that we wanted to commit to each other. Also that we were free to do so, our previous relationships firmly in the past. Wearing his collar affirmed my status, to us but also to others. Other signs, such as my piercings came earlier, but it was the collar that signified his ownership. My slavery.

We have always led a busy social life, travelled and of course I was working. Reminding ourselves of the need to reset, to remember that we were Master and slave was necessary. Rules tended to slip. The submission that I had felt so keenly at the beginning often felt out of reach. Taking the time to talk about what we wanted and needed was important. But also finding time and energy for play was equally important.

That’s how we came to attend local Munches regularly and eventually get to a kink club for play. They provide a timely reminder of that aspect of our life.

Living together

We both assumed that when I moved in, we would at last get the opportunity to be the Master / slave that we had always imagined. To some extent that has been true. However we failed to factor in the changes that would occur due to my breast cancer.

In some ways being his slave allowed me to rely on Master in a way I might previously found intolerable. He wanted to care for me, but not smother me. Of course, that might be his personality. But equally the depth of communication between us helped at appointments and afterwards.

Looking back I see that the romantic idea of me being the sex and house slave of fiction was just that. Actually our relationship has rarely been about bondage, pain and nakedness, but instead control and ownership. It is he who makes the final decisions, and it is me who needs to be sure I am conducting myself in the way he prefers. I am now a kept woman and he has some financial control over me, though I do still have some money and spend it as I wish. But I don’t make large purchases without discussion. There are no secrets in this relationship, this is not a rule but it feels that having them would be wrong. A fundamental breach of what our relationship is about.

Our sex life is kinky, as it always was. Now though we have more time for sex. Our preference is in the morning, and we are in a fortunate position that we can indulge that. To outsiders we seem as we always have. We are a couple, partners. Adjustments from now will hopefully be small. But no doubt we will reset as we move on. I think that healthy relationships need that to continue.

tellmeabout

Faking orgasm

Kitagawa Utamaro (Japanese, ca. 1754–1806)

I’m pleased to say that I suggested this week’s Food for Thought prompt. A few weeks ago I read survey conducted by Kinkly.com on Faking Orgasms. The writers there had read a couple of other smaller surveys and conducted one of their own. 1232 people of different ages, gender and sexual orientation. What interested me was the headline that 80% of respondents had faked orgasms at least once in their life. Not surprisingly (well to me anyway) women fake it more than men. Reasons for faking included: wanting the encounter to end, wanting the other person to feel good and not wanting the other person to feel bad. There’s loads more to read from the survey – see the link above.

But, what is my experience?

Have I faked it and why?

I’m sorry to say only too often. Not recently but with my husband. I could count on one hand the number of times he made me come. Mainly this was because he didn’t take the time to learn about my body. We were young when we met, both virgins. I didn’t really know what a female orgasm was, let alone what it felt like. It was years before I realised how much pleasure there was to be had from touching and being touched.

For years sex was about him. Once he had come, the encounter was over. Foreplay was a bit of breast and cunt groping. I think I’ve written here before that this was a man who could fit in PIV sex during a TV commercial break.

I bought myself toys and he found or saw them. So wanted us to play with them and after that felt I ought to come too (I am simplifying things a little here)! So, given that having an orgasm took time, that his fingers weren’t as good as my toys and that I rarely came from vaginal sex, I faked it.

Me faking it made him feel good but it made me feel bad. I’d often come later after he was asleep. Some relationship history can be read here

Do I fake it now?

No because I have no need. Orgasms in this relationship are a gift and are offered frequently. Master is a man who has learned about my body and who who loves to see me come. He also owns the orgasms and by doing so has taken the pressure away from me. They are no longer something I have to do alone. Nor are they something I crave, but never get. Instead he forces them from me, sometimes many times in one session.

From early in our relationship Master conditioned me to come on demand. By touching me and counting down then telling me to come. Over time I was able to come almost without him touching me. But always those orgasms are his, arrive when permission is granted and always I thank him afterwards.

I can hand on heart say I have never faked an orgasm with Master.

Recent troubles

Whether it is being post menopausal. Or because of the hormone inhibitors I take, my orgasms have dried up a little recently. In that I seem less able to come on demand. But rather than pretend, I tell him that I can’t or haven’t come yet. That I can do this is down to the trust between us and because I know he understands.

So we have taken to using our magic wand vibrator more and this has reignited my orgasms in a powerful way. When one of those arrives, there is no faking!

F4Thought

What do you see?

We love to observe the people around us and wonder about their lives. We often question whether those people even see us. The focus often seems to be each other or their phone. Indeed I wonder whether some people are aware of their surroundings at all. I like to watch people, I like that Master likes to watch me and I’m increasingly happy for people to see me at my most vulnerable.

Watch and see

There is nothing better than sitting outside a cafe, pub or restaurant and watching people walk past, sit down with friends or lovers. We often notice that one person monopolises the conversation, or we see friends that don’t interact unless they have something from their phone to see. We look at body language, are they lovers, is this the end of a relationship or are they on a first date. It is fascinating. But you know, I don’t think it is something everyone does. Indeed my own son told me off for discussing other diners with Master. “It isn’t kind” he said. Funny thing is I don’t believe we were being unkind, just seeing and observing.

Being observed

Sometimes, when I am dressing in the morning I will see Master looking at me. I’ll ask him what he is doing and he will say that he is looking at me. That he loves to look at me. That he enjoys my body. There was a time when I would have been embarrassed by this. Why does he want to look at me – an overweight, middle aged woman. But I am his lover, his slave and he loves me and my body. They body that he owns and possesses.

I think he sees a different me to the one I do when I look in the mirror. It is only when I look at photos like the one I posted for Sinful Sunday this week, that I realise. That I am able to see a little of what others do. That I am proud and happy. He is responsible, in no small part to the confidence I feel. And that is a great

Letting people see me

All of me. I wrote recently about our return to CMnf. I know people do look at each other there. Because people spoke to me about my body. I know that they like to watch the public play and that from that they may learn from each other. Or else it gives them the confidence to play in public too.

The first time I was very nervous. But now, I find I can shut out the people and things around me and settle into the moment. I am not worried I am being watched, in fact I really love it.

Kink clubs usually (for very good reasons), have a no phone rule. People are there to see and be seen. To meet up and chat. To play and to perform. That people are naked or dressed in fetish gear is part of the fun of those events. Their clothes, nakedness and demeanour is saying – look at me. Of course, we love to people watch there too. To wonder about them and their lives. Occasionally too we get to know others and find out the reality. And that’s what happened to us last time.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked