For over 30 years I lived with and was married to the same man. He was my first proper boyfriend and the first man I slept with. We bought a house and had a child together. But as stated many times here, on this blog things were not as they seemed. I was unhappy with my life for a long time and he was unfaithful early in our marriage.
I made a decision many years ago that I would at some time find the strength to take control of my own life. But, I spent years being ashamed that I didn’t leave when I could. That I stayed with a man I didn’t love and definitely didn’t want to sleep with, though did.
Now I am free and in the kind of relationship I want and need. But I am under no illusion about the challenges the next few months will bring.
There is nothing like deciding to do something to want to act immediately. We have discussed my giving up work for months and longer. I have planned the timing with meticulous detail. Now, I am counting the days till I can resign. Trouble is, I have to give 3 months notice and I have to work out that notice. How then to keep focused and interested during that time? Heaven knows I am struggling, but with support I will see it through.
The past relationship
My not yet ex has had so much more control over me and my behaviour than he should have. I have made allowances and excuses for him for far too long. At last though, the end is in sight. This house, in which I still live, is ours and within the next few months will be theirs. From there I can move on and my life can continue in the way I want. At last I won’t have to respond to almost daily texts and I won’t have to allow him into my home. I have been married for 34 years to the neediest man on the planet. At last I can be financially free and next divorce him.
One relationship of 30+ years and now another of 4. I am happy to join Master in his home, but that home doesn’t belong to me and never will. I will have the proceeds of my house sale, but not the security I have had. And yet, I feel safe that I am doing the right thing and that we have something together that we both need. Love, partnership, affection, companionship and something else. Dominance and submission. A power exchange we both need. Practical steps will be taken to safeguard my long term financial future, but that isn’t everything.
This blog started as a statement of my journey and for now still is. But what about the future? Perhaps I am almost at my destination and so need to re think the focus. Or maybe the blog will be about a continuation of an unending journey. Chances are it will be the latter.