What do you see?

Earlier today, when I should have been working but was instead looking at my phone, a tweet popped up. Cara linked to a post from 2013 about how much of ourselves we reveal to our readers. She comments in the tweet that she has now met other bloggers and so of course many people have seen more than is every revealed online. This had me thinking about the things I write and the amount of myself and relationship I put online.

What I reveal on my blog

On the surface the answer is a lot. Over the last 6 years I have been open, honest, sometimes painfully so. This whole blog started as a place for me to track my own progress through a new affair. One that took me not only into infidelity but a whole different lifestyle. At times, it was the only place I could document my own feelings. This was especially true when my husband found out and I often felt frightened and alone. But actually I rarely went into personal detail, nor did I describe how my lover often left me to my own devices.

I am always careful about the things I write on my blog. I try not to criticise anyone, I don’t speak about work in any detail. Family details rarely appear, though exceptions have been when my dad was dying and frustrations with my mum. For a while I wrote about the polyamorous relationship but then the other woman started to read and so everything became sanitised. Even now, there is little real emotional detail.

I describe our sex life and my submission in some detail, often as an outpouring of post coital emotion. Milestones appear, as much for my own future memory as well as for Master to read. But detail is often sketchy, partly because I have a rubbish memory but also because I am not good at descriptive narrative. This is currently exposing itself in the Smut Marathon competition (more of which on my next blog post).

Perhaps the photos give away the most about me and us. Sometimes I even show my face. But this doesn’t mean that the reader sees or knows everything, how can they.

Twitter

Everyone here and on Twitter know that MPB is Julie. That is my real name. I chose to do this not because I am uncreative, but because I don’t want to hide behind a massive pseudonym. I am not critical of anyone that uses one, it just isn’t me. But it does tend to lead to me being more open and more like my real self. What you see is what you get. An open book, I find emotions hard to hide. So on Sunday when the Smut Marathon results were published I got into conversations with other bloggers / writers. Participants began to express some of the things they felt are wrong with the process and I joined in. Then someone essentially told us to shut up and I felt ashamed that I had been part of the conversation.

On balance, twitter needs to be treated with the same caution as my blog. We are all people but some of us are prone to speak more openly than others. I’m not sure I should open myself up in that way to people. While I know some of the people on twitter and have met others none are people I can describe as friends. If I can’t say it here, then I really don’t want to say it on Twitter.

Even if you see my face, know my name is Julie that doesn’t mean you can and should see all of me. Some things must remain hidden.

4 Replies to “What do you see?”

  1. I do want to speak to the smut marathon point. I believe it’s okay and necessary to state your opinion on how you feel the competition is going (and the things you may not like). Don’t stifle that.

  2. Thanks, I do too. Trouble is that there are people who think we shouldn’t do so. A post on my thoughts and reflections later.

  3. I think our journeys have many similarities Julie and I recognise the sense of trying to make sense of some things and gain clarity on others too.
    For what it is worth I think the conversations you spoke about ‘re the Smut Marathon are actually expressions of cultural difference as well as individual responses. I react badly to being told what to say and think and i think you have dealt with this gracefully.
    Sending best wishes x

  4. I am totally with you on not revealing all details. I never talk about my work and I have only given a glimpse of my face a couple of times. I also don’t talk about family and when I write about others, I do it in such a way that their true identities are protected. But, what you read on my blog, the details I share are always 100% me.

    As for the Smut Marathon, I believe everyone is entitled to an opinion and has the right to voice it. The only thing that irks me is when someone – and this definitely wasn’t you – burns down the rules if the marathon and the way I run it. I feel those kind if comments are unnecessary. But once again, I welcome people to talk about the marathon so please, don’t stop doing it.

    Rebel xox

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