This s the third year that I have participated in Blogging A-Z. This year i am going to try to make my topics a little more mainstream. They will, however clearly link to kink and may on occasion be NSFW.
D is for Decision making
In an around about way this post is about Dominance and submission. But in particular how they relate to decision making.
I believe I am naturally submissive, and when I appear dominant that is learned behaviour. Being an older sibling, being an extrovert not frightened of speaking her mind and marrying someone unable to make decisions helped. I always preferred that others make decisions especially where they are important and potentially life changing. However since I am not keen on actually being ‘told’ what to do, I haven’t exactly been pushed around . If you won’t be told what to do and at the same time need to decide something then you have to make the decision yourself. Added to that, if you live with someone who hates making decisions and goes out of his way to avoid doing so, then you are pretty much stuffed.
This then, is how I lived my life, unsurprisingly I was often miserable. At work, I took leadership roles, improved my knowledge and over time experience in my chosen field. I felt comfortable making decisions, but found that each days work to be tough, tiring. Not always physically, but emotionally. And then, I would come home, take care of a child and a husband. To get the adult I lived with to decide where to go on holiday or persuade him go out with friends and family was worse. So I took many decisions out of his hands and that often led to conflict between us.
There was more to the failure of our relationship than my being a natural submissive who needed a dominant, but it didn’t help. When I decided to end the marriage I had already dipped my toe into a D/s relationship. Meeting Master only confirmed my initial instincts.
Being part of a M/s relationship
Decision making now is a shared experience. Of course there are many areas of life that I need to retain control of. But when it comes to life changes these are discussed and shared. I still don’t much like being told what to do, but Master has a way of exerting his view and authority without me feeling he is doing so. He is gentle and patient with me, which helps, though we have our moments. He really does hate being told what to do and so I can’t get away with some of the behaviours I used with my ex. That is a very good thing, since I wasn’t always fair on him.
The key now is that I can be myself and I have someone to make decisions with me and often for me. Increasingly I like that.
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The relationship before BG was died because we were continually struggling over who got to be the bottom – and I always lost because he couldn’t top worth beans. He was a lovely guy but it was the least satisfying of any of my good relationships.
It is simply so much more comfortable when the onus of a decision is not on my shoulders…
Yes, same here. 🙂
Oh i have to make a ton of decisions in my life too and i kind of hate it. Like you, i dont like being told what to do but BIKSS too is a genius at steering our conversations so that it’s easy for me to let him guide my choices when it’s something i’m uncertain about. I realise as i type this that there have been times when the answers were crystal clear to him and yet he never just came right out and said “do this cos its the obvious answer”, instead he has always asked and probed and nudged me towards the “right” or better decision. Bless him! Lol.
Oh my goodness, exactly that. I love that I am not the only one!
I’m visiting from the A-Z challenge so I don’t know your background and haven’t read much further than this post, but I can see how your relationship with your ex failed. My husband and I are both the oldest, outspoken, etc., so when we got together one of us had to take a step back. I was glad to do that because I hate conflict and I watched my mom go through two relationships where she was (what I’d call) the Alpha and had to do everything for the man. She always told me to find a man who wanted to take care of me because she just wanted to be taken care of for one. My younger sister was very quiet and introverted and married someone much like her, and she had to step up and be vocal and have the backbone, and while she has taken her role, I think she over does it. She is so confrontational now that it makes my mom (who is very confrontational) and me uncomfortable. I don’t really know where I’m going with this, lol, but this is just what your post made me think of!
Hi Lindsey, thank you for visiting. This relationship lark is difficult to navigate at time. It helps if you can communicate, which it sounds as if you and your husband have.
Well done you for participating in the A to Z blogging. My friend Sassy Cat is also doing it.
It can be difficult at times being a Sub when you are a strong and independent individual. I certainly see it as a challenge 😉 x
This sounds very familiar to me, as I too come from a similar background, always having to make the decisions despite being a natural submissive. At work I run a department, but oh boy am I happy that at home I can share the decision-making with Master T and in some areas, have him tell me what to do 🙂
Rebel xox
I can certainly see myself in some of this. I definitely was in control much of the time and I found it very frustrating, now I am much happier that I have partner where we really properly talk and who will often ultimately make the decision for me. It is very freeing
Mollyx
It is so strange, how much I have come to appreciate when decisions are taken out of my hands. As I have let go and trusted his judgement more and more so I have relaxed into it. Not that I don’t sometimes argue along the way!