Recollections of the past

A couple of weeks ago I installed a widget that allows random posts from your blog to be reposted to Twitter or Facebook. I had noticed it on a few people’s twitter feed and since I have almost 5 years worth of posts I decided to try it too. Every 12 hours or so a new tweet, with a link appears on my twitter feed. Yesterday this one cropped up. It was liked and retweeted by eye  and then commented on by Rebecca. How strange then that this week’s Wicked Wednesday is about recollections.

That the post entitled ‘Relationships’ was written in March 2013. At the time I was going though a lot of trauma with my ex. He had recently found out about my relationship with S and was pretty keen to point our my shortcomings at every opportunity. When, that is he wasn’t telling me how much he loved me and that he didn’t want to lose me. When I brought up his own infidelity he told me that something that happened 20 years ago didn’t count. The trouble is that the hurt from all that time ago, had never left me. Writing in a bit of detail about being cheated on as a young wife and mother helped put things into perspective.

Infidelity is not something to be taken lightly. We made a promise to each other in front of family and friends. A promise that we would love, honour and cherish each other. I never imagined that he would break that promise quite so quickly. Especially as in the aftermath he pretty much told me I was frigid and boring in bed. More recent events have proved that not to be the case. Embarking on my own journey took some guts, and all of the time I knew I was being unfaithful. I knew that if he every found out, then he would be devastated and so he was.

But the interesting thing about the recollections associated with this post is this. In March 2013, while he continued to make me feel guilty and to try to get me to dump S, my ex was already seeing another woman. They had met at Christmas and were in the early stages of their current relationship. The wronged man was already in another’s arms. For months after that he pretended that he was spending much of his time staying with a male friend. I believed him because it was easy to do so and because I was preoccupied. The man was a liar hypocrite in the early 90’s when I found out about that first affair and still is today.

For the most part I try to look forwards, looking back doesn’t always help. Sometimes recollections of the past can help. My words from 2013 certainly have done that today.

 

Styled by Master


In the 3 years since she had been seeing Mark she was aware that their relationship may not have been as it seemed. At first she had felt in control, she paid him to cut and style her hair, meet her requirements. This was to incrementally shorten her hair while maintaining a ‘feminine’ style (her words). As she told him, an older woman looks and feels better that way. He agreed with her that this was the best way to achieve that end result. Unless, as he joked, you were prepared for the shears on day one.Their meetings which took place every 6 weeks were a little more frequent than she would have preferred. But since his schedule was even more busy than hers she booked ahead and stuck to the appointments.   Master seemed happy with her progress, she knew his preference was a closely cropped, almost bald style. But she knew what He wanted from her. She wanted to please him but needed to get there in easy stages. Master in turn preferred a slave who complied at her own volition.

Mark wasn’t the kind of stylist that she would have chosen. She adored him as a person, for his outgoing nature and personality but worried about his approach. He loved to flirt with her and at the same time to offer fantastic celebrity gossip. But all of the time he pushed her towards a shorter hair cut. It was almost as if Master was giving him instructions.

At the same time this seemed unlikely, what top end stylist would push for an ever shorter cut so that eventually his skills would become redundant?

For each appointment she negotiated an outcome  which took her closer to Master’s goal and each time Mark pushed her further. He would accidentally cut it shorter at the back, at the sides or on top. Then one day he took clippers to the left side of her head without discussion.

Exclaiming how wonderful it looked he asked what he should do next. Running her fingers over what remained of her hair, she had to agree it looked and felt great. She considered whether to even things out of to keep her hair long on the other side. She knew that was what many people did; short on one side while long on the other.

Symmetry was something she loved, taking a deep breath she instructed Mark to shave the right side. The hair was then short on both sides, but still held the layers she treasured on top.

Clarity of her situation suddenly surfaced, and she looked Mark in the eye, seeing his image reflected in the mirror. He cupped his hands around her head and stroked the stubble on each side of her head.

“Master asked you to do this” she stated with sudden clarity.

Observing her in the mirror, he nodded briefly.

“Then you should complete the task”  she said. His nod was much more pronounced. He picked up his scissors and began to cut. Within minutes he had removed the remaining hair to little more than stubble.

At the cash desk she paid for today’s cut and booked her next appointment for 6 weeks time. “I think next time will be a number 2, all over” she told him clearly.

“Maybe even a number 1?” he asked.

“Maybe, if that is what Master wishes” she agreed.

As she pulled her coat on and walked out into the street she stroked her head, on one hand missing the hair that had gone, but also loving the feel of the stubble. They both knew that the next visit in 6 weeks time would be the start of a new chapter. One of maintenance but also one where both could fulfil their Master’s requirements.

In this element of their slavery at least.

What is necessary?

In the first few days after I moved my blog to this new place I made a few schoolboy errors.  One of these was to accidentally delete all categories and tags I had dragged through. I guess that I could have resent all of the posts, but I decided not to. In all honesty I underestimated the sheer volume of work involved in reviewing nearly 5 years of posts. It was with enthusiasm that I embarked on the task, after all this is about my journey. But I reckoned without the emotional journey that it would send me upon.

I started by working back, but unfortunately during January and February I was experiencing a quiet blogging period. Except of course for February Photofest. So I tried going back to the beginning and in doing so, discovered a forgotten past. Indeed it was a past where, in an attempt to discover the submission I needed I allowed emotion to overtake good sense. As the weeks and months went on, back in 2012 I immersed myself into an alternative reality. One where I struggled with my marriage, while embarking on a relationship with a man who wasn’t what he seemed.

Frustration made me return to the end and work backwards. So far I have reached page 28 or 39, just before I met Master, a journey of 3 years. Journeying through times of love, travel and kink. Through the awful period when my dad was ill and subsequently died. Through too difficult experiences with my mum, her moods, illnesses and our relationship.

All that time my marriage has been drawing to its natural conclusion, a time much more protracted than should be the case. The number of times where I plan to tell him to get lost and that the house will be sold are too numerous to mention.

I have a plan to progress at speed. to label anything involving previous relationships as such. Some of that stuff I may never revisit again.

But just maybe this process has been useful, necessary. Perhaps it has helped me to see just how far I have travelled and how close I am to my goal.

Perhaps this was a necessary task.

I have a few days off. I am spending that time finishing off the decluttering and general preparation for the sale.
Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Elust #92

Elust 92

Elust 92 Header
Photo courtesy of Steeled Snake

Welcome to Elust 92

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #93 Start with the rules, come back April 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Feeling Forced

NEEDY – a black obsession

Monogamish

 

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

“One Man Is Not Enough For You.”
blink

 

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Safewords in Kink Life and in Kink Fiction

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

 

Erotic Fiction

The Anatomy Lesson
Town whore

Erotic Non-Fiction

The good girl pledge
Good Boy
From Headache to Clit Ache
Daytime: A married Valentines fantasy
Unlocking the Man…with Pieces of Me.

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Three’s Company
I hate the “One Size Fits All” approach
Safewords in Kink Life and in Kink Fiction
How great would it be if…

Poetry

Roadside Stand: A Lusty Limerick

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Dirty Money

Events

Looking back at our Eroticon Weekend

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

Waiting and waiting and waiting

 

 

Elust 88

SCC Writing #228

Much of the literature I had read before embarking on a D/s relationship was fictional. While very hot, this kind of writing tends to be more about play and kinky sex than real life. It wasn’t really until I was starting my D/s journey with S and subsequently with Master that I read more widely.

What I gleaned from those ‘manuals’ of submission and slavery is that all relationships are different. That concepts of ownership, service, obedience and worship can be interpreted along a continuum. Just how strictly these apply depends upon the wishes and needs of the individuals. I think that Master and I like the idea of a relationship that interprets my slavery further towards the strict Master and compliant slave. But life needs to be more low maintenance than that for us both.

What is more, no relationship can sustain those first flushes of new excitement. Of constant arousal, discovering each other’s bodies, of pushing and testing limits. M/s for us right now is much more low key, perhaps an undercurrent to our lives rather than something that is overtly visible to others.

Having said all of that, we have let things slip a bit. There are rules, and expectations. Some are always followed and others really are not. We have discussed recently that we need to rediscover exactly what it is we both need from the M/s element of our relationship.

It is the very fact that we can and do communicate with each other about our relationship in its broadest sense as well as these specific elements, that feels different. We can and do discuss everything – we look back and analyse events and feelings and we make plans for the future. Those future plans involve mundane everyday things like me preparing my house for sale and him cleaning space for me to move in. They also include us thinking about ways in which we can better take account of His need to dominate me and mine to submit to Him. We often surprise each other. This might be by Him tell me He is about to pee on me in the shower, or perhaps I strip and kneel before Him, unprompted.

Life is no more like the fictional accounts of erotica that I often read than it is a manual of slavery. I would prefer to think that we are writing our own story as we journey though our life together.

Interesting Questions

Very interesting questions

 

1. What is the first thing you do when you wake up?

During the working week I make coffee or tea (depending on how I feel and what kind of day is ahead) and breakfast. At weekends we get up, showered and dressed (maybe after sex) and then have coffee. There is currently no particular routine, which is fine by me.
2. What is the last thing you do before you go to sleep?

Take my clothes off and clean my teeth. Master has a much better moisturising routine than I do, which is why when we are 70 he will look 50 and I will look 90!
3. Are you a giver or taker?

A giver. My whole life has been about giving to others. Right now at work, people are busy taking everything they can from me. I am work in progress there! Because contrary to what people might think my M/s life is gives me exactly what I need. This is because while I serve He gives back to me in terms of structure, discipline and rules. Most of all though He offers me the chance to be myself, to feel safe and loved.
4. If you had to give yourself a new name, what would it be?

This girl. This is my name as far as Master is concerned. I would love to live in a world where our there was acceptance of my status as His slave and understood. For many people this might seem odd. I seem dominant and in control while all of the time I need reassurance, guidance and control. What I hate is that I might seem to alternate between some kind of scary dominant person and a door mat. My preference would be to just be allowed to be myself.
5. A world-famous chef ask you to make dinner, what would you make?

I think that you are better playing to your strengths. My nephews and nieces  consider my lasagne second to none, so perhaps that is the place to go.

Bonus: What’s the worst advice you ever received?

People who advised me to accept what I have and not to rock the boat. Then developed amnesia. We all deserve happiness and shouldn’t have to wait until we are in our 50’s!

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Kink of the week – soixante-neuf

In this photo, a young couple are caught in a moment of lust, on the living room floor. Their clothes are strewn around them, the sofa in the background. Her hand is wrapped around his very large cock while she attempts to push it into her mouth. She straddles his face. He Wraps his arms around her legs, while burying his face into her cunt. Each are caught in their own experience. Of giving and of receiving oral sex. This position of 69, Soixante-neuf, yin and yang, congress of a crow (that’s a Karma Sutra reference incase you didn’t know).


How about us?

Master loves me to sit on his face, or else to go down on me while I lie spread eagle on the bed or indeed the floor. I love the feel of his tongue as it explores my vulval area. Long strokes and then short laps as if he is drinking me. I love the way that the feelings inside of me build, from a localised pleasure to a deep growing arousal. Orgasm control is part of who we are and what we do, and that knowledge helps me to keep control. As the orgasm builds inside me, I have to focus to prevent an explosion happening without warning and permission. It is at those times that having a cock to suck is useful.

Often I find I am not close enough to His cock to take it and have to use my hands to  stroke and caress. The smoothness of His cock, the softness of his balls and the way as they harden the skin shrinks and becomes rough. The feel of his bum, pert but soft buttocks, and that little area between his scrotum and anus. These are delicious things that take my mind off of the impending orgasm until it is time.

Sometimes though my mouth can find his cock and explore it with my tongue. I am able to feel the size of it grow and fill my mouth and push down towards my throat and to suck and to lick, using its very presence to divert my attention.

Sometimes though I really don’t want to have my attention diverted. I want it all to be about me, to give into the pleasure and wait for permission to release my passions. I like to have my cake and eat it!

Erotica and me – getting over the mental block

One of the reasons I wanted to go to Eroticon was to explore the possibility of writing erotic fiction. In the main, my blog has always been about me and my relationships. For much of the past 5 years, there has been plenty of experiences to recount. I am sure that this will continue, but since my relationship with Master is for the longterm real life there is unlikely to be kinky excitement all of the time. Last weekend I struggled to complete the exercises set us by Ashley Lister. I couldn’t think of a 6 word story, kinky or otherwise. Generally my creative brain felt somewhat numb. But it wasn’t always like this.


The teenage years

There was a time when I wrote stories, in longhand in a notebook. My friend  and I wrote about the boys from school, the ones we had a crush on. These were tales of innocent romance, about being noticed and kissed. In our dreamworld we were attractive, we became their girlfriends. There was, as far as I can remember, no actual sex  involved. We were 15 or 16 and pretty naive.

Real life overtook us, real boyfriends were found, Wendy left school and started work, she went out with a number of boys including a very odd distant cousin of mine. Her next boyfriend was older and much more mature. She grew bored with our stories, indeed we grew apart. Her life was more interesting than the fiction we had created.

I also had a boy friend, but for me the exploration of my sexuality and his body meant I wanted to write more. I began to fantasise about what sex could and should be about, without even knowing why. Without even recognising that I wasn’t fulfilled in the way I could have been.

I started my nurse training and my writings became essays about nursing care, anatomy and psychology. Hell, there was no time to think about erotic stories, much less write them. Anyway I was having proper, actual sex. In a single bed, in a nurses home, in London. Boys weren’t allowed in our room after midnight, so I was living on the edge here.


Marriage

At some point soon after I became a married woman I picked up my pen and paper again. Marriage wasn’t quite as I had imagined it to be. I worked shifts at a local hospital, often we saw little of each other. At some point in those first years my hubby strayed with someone at work. He pretended to work late, go out with mates and left me on my own for long periods of time.

Looking back, the stories I created in my A4 notepads were pretty raunchy. There was a lot of sex, often involving more than two people. I explored the idea of lesbian sex, even though I knew that I wasn’t turned on by other women in real life. I brought back the men (previously boys)  that I had a crush on as a teenager. These were now hot-blooded men rather than boys. I had no knowledge of BDSM but did explore being controlled by a man. I guess this was a direct result of needing to exert quite so much control over my own life, back then.


Motherhood

Then I became pregnant, for a while I continued the fantasies. But then I was a mother. Juggling work, family, marriage with an unfaithful man (not that I knew) who was incredibly needy, I had neither the time or the imagination. I threw the books away and got on with life.

From time to time I tried to recreate the stories. In those early days I had been able to almost lose myself in the fantasy of the fiction I had created. But responsibility to work, motherhood and paying the mortgage mean that you need to centre yourself. Once I found the blogosphere I was more interested in describing the world I inhabited (mainly work related) that I forgot about any kind of fiction.


Now

Until this week, I had blocked from my mind that I ever wrote fiction, let alone that it might have involved erotica. But I did. Thinking back, there is no reason that I couldn’t get my brain around a kinky story right now. I have the time, the space and dammit the ability to make this happen. I just need to give myself the permission to do so.

TMI Tuesday – Dates, Mates & Relationships

Dates, Mates & Relationships

1. Which of these are you most often guilty of in a relationship:
a. jealousyI am not sure any of these are really me, but this is the most likely. Worrying about what went before and whether the other person was better at something than me. As if it is important. 
b. not apologizing
c. not keeping your word
d. guilt trips

2. Which of the following behaviors would annoy you most in a partner.
a. fishing for compliments by verbalizing self-doubt – My ex did and does this all of the time. Mind you he did b and d too. 
b. passive-aggressive behavior
c. usually forgets important dates i.e., birthday, anniversary
d. making you feel guilty when spending time with friends

3. Consider you are looking for a mate, rank these traits in order of importance, with 1 being most important, and 7 being least important.
___ Kindness 2
___ Honesty 1
___ Ambitious 7
___ Confidence 5
___ Reliable 3
___ Assertive 6
___ Sense of Humor 4

4. Score! You exchanged numbers with a hottie. Now you: (pick one)
a. Wait for a week, see if that person calls you first. Strange as it seems, I have never been in this situation and don’t expect to be. Hoping not to play the dating game again. 
b. Call the next day if not sooner.
c. Call and text incessantly. Let them know they’ve made an impression.
d. You’d never call. What if you get rejected?

5. How did you handle your last relationship break up?
a. You’ve never been in a relationship before. The timing’s never been right.
b. You went out and got drunk every night, until you forgot everything.
c. You went out on a massive amount of date, even with people you knew you had no interest, making sure to date a new face every night.
d. You felt bad and cried, but bounced back in a couple of days.

None of the above. I played around online and found myself the right man.

Bonus: Would you take a holiday all by yourself, at the ‘spur of the moment’? Why or Why not? Where would you go? I did, I went off to Florence for a long weekend on my own. Things were difficult at home and I wanted to get away. The two men who might have come with me (not together) chose not to. It made me realise that there is no need to wait around for someone to do what you want and need. Just get on and do it yourself. Now I have no need of a holiday alone, but I am not frightened of it. 

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!

Looking back at our Eroticon weekend

When I left home on Friday to travel to Eroticon I had every intention of writing about it during the weekend. In fact, I ended up having very little time or energy for writing anything. I managed to complete something about our meet and greet experience and then to post a Sinful Sunday.

It has been a full on weekend, even taking account of the fact we took some time out to be on our own. I have been to so many work conferences where I go to everything, all of the time. This time, even though I could quite happily have attended every session, we chose not to. We both needed down time and since work is really so full on right now,that was the right thing to do.

We met lots of new people, and were able to put faces to blog or twitter names. In some ways I wonder if we took everything we could have from the experience. But this being our first experience of Eroticon there is nothing to compare to.

@writtenbyjenny has started a meme, inviting us to write about the ten things I took home from Eroticon. So here goes.


Ten Things I Took Home From Eroticon

  1. The chance to mix with other kink friendly folk – It is not often, you meet quite so many people with so much in common in one place. Munches can be great, but I often come away disappointed because I feel I have little in common with those present. At Eroticon our united desire to write for others seemed to cut through individual differences.
  2. The ability to meet new people  – A diverse range of people, all out to have a great time. Many people knew each other, but many more did not. Often people were known to me through blogs and twitter. Meeting those people in person is always interesting, and most often in a good way. Everyone was really friendly, but I do struggle to make the first approach.
  3. A recognition that I need to push myself to actually speak to new people – It’s funny, but Master and I are as bad as each other at this. I suspect that this is for different reasons too. He is an introvert who could probably sit all day in a crowded room without speaking to anyone. While I am an extrovert who finds it difficult to overcome my anxiety about opening my mouth until I know someone. We need to do better, I came away without actually speaking to too many people.
  4. I picked up new ideas and inspiration – I found the session by Ashley Lister on the process of plotting a story really interesting. I love process and a ‘how to’ list. Whether I will need to follow in its entirety remains to be seen, but I sense it will help. The blogging 102 session with Innocent Loverboy was great for the tips on topics. Also for the energy in the room.
  5. I Learnt about myself – Meg John Barker’s session on learning about ourselves through erotic fantasy was probably my favourite over all. I will continue to mull over her ‘zine’ and write more in the coming days.
  6. Lots of fun freebies – As other’s have said, the sponsors did us proud. Great mugs, a lovely book to write in, a chocolate and much more. I didn’t pick up my tee shirts though!
  7. New blogs and websites to track down and read – so many new places to explore and read. Hours of fun and reading.
  8. Learning about the law on erotica past and present – Kate Lister on the history of erotic writing and obscenity and Myles Jackman on current legal issues. Again I plan to write about both in the coming days.
  9. Conversation topics for the whole weekend – We missed a couple of sessions to just be on our own. To have a drink, to walk about Camden. We missed the Saturday social too and had dinner and an evening to ourselves. But that doesn’t mean we didn’t talk about what we had seen, heard and discussed in the conference.
  10. A feeling of satisfaction and a desire to return next year –  I really hope we can make it. For us any excuse for a weekend away, but we prefer to have something fun and interesting to do. Eroticon was definitely that.

One thing we might do differently 

We didn’t realise the first session was a panel. So when we walked in at the beginning, we sat near the back. This was a mistake as the panel’s voices, even with a microphones didn’t carry well. Master has hearing problems and could only hear every 4th or 5th word. This led to us leaving early on Sunday as I was pretty sure that he would get frustrated at not being able to hear. I am a little sad, as I think it would have been great to hear people read out their work. But, I do plan to pick up a copy of the Anthology from Amazon as I didn’t manage to pick on up while there.

 

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