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V is for……

Valuing what you have, but sometimes being prepared to take a risk.

What kinky words begin with V? I thought of vagina and vulva, but they just don’t feel like kinky words to me, rather they are parts of the female anatomy. Then of course there is vibrator, which is a kinky word. Or is it?

For me, a vibrator is and should be part of mainstream life, it is great for those alone times, but also for a couple who wants to add something to their sex lives. Of course there are some pretty kinky things that can be done with the right vibrating gadget in the right situation.

I think for the letter V though, leaving the world of kink behind might be the way to go. Instead, I would like to concentrate on something else; Valuing what you have.

I am a great believer in being careful about what you wish for. Perhaps that is why I stayed with my hubby for so long. Why I was so frightened to make a change.

In 2012 I took the decision to stop wondering about what might be out there for me. I had spent too long telling myself that my life was less fulfilling than it should be, I realised that I needed to discover what else was available. OK so, this also involved a lot of research about sex, BDSM and submission. I began to explore some unacknowledged and unsaid thoughts and ideas about myself, which may have led no where. In the event they led me outside of my marriage, but while it hasn’t all been plain sailing, I can honestly say I have no regrets.

There is still somewhere to go in freeing myself from my former life, but the difference in me, and what I consider right for me now is a world away from the place I found myself back then. A more or less sexless marriage, the realisation that I was not frigid (as he claimed), to what I have now. A life with a man who Master maintains is a submissive and me, a person who seemed controlling but who craved domination.

Master has asked many times if I regret that I only found personal and sexual fulfilment in my 50’s. How can I regret anything when I can see that I have achieved something that for most of my life felt out of my reach?

There were many times during my marriage when I wondered if I should have left my husband. After his long period of infidelity perhaps?

Although the time that followed when he became nasty and vindictive, blaming me. felt worse, I know that I took a conscious decision to stay, but on my own terms, which subconsciously meant that I was turned off form sex with him. I knew that there were positives about remaining in the situation, I also recognised that I would know when (not if) the end had come. And so it proved.

I value the times that I have had with hubby. I value the fact that I decided when I needed to end it. I value that my son grew up in the household he did, loved by both parents and for the most part not knowing the struggles that we had gone though.

But most of all I value the fact I have managed to break free, and to find a new partner. I also value the fact that both of us are enjoying a life that we didn’t imagine we would have.

It is important to value your life. Especially if it is the life that is right and that you never expected to enjoy,

2 thoughts on “V is for……”

  1. The more I read here the more I am convinced we have lived parallel lives. I remember warning Master that i could not orgasm….my ex had told me over and over i was not sexual nor sexy….I think discovering in your 50's the fun, the joy, the OMG of sex…just makes you enjoy it more…we are not getting older, we are getting better…
    hugs abby

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