Z is for……..

Zipper and Zaftig. What great scrabble words they are!

So against all odds I have reached the end of the blogging A-Z challenge and I have really enjoyed it, even if at times it has been difficult to think of words when sitting down to write. Planning is definitely the answer, since often I have thought of some amazing words, along with potentially great blog posts after the event. Maybe that bodes well for next year.

So to today’s words.

The zipper is this:

It is constructed from pegs and string and looks like it is part of a washing line. But it is an evil tool, used by sadist Dominants to inflict pain on the unsuspecting submissive. Being pegged is strangely pleasant, causing just the right amount of endorphin release. However, when pulled off all in one go the pain is immense. Strangely this pain is replaced almost immediately with the release of more endorphins which trick the submissive into imagining that the experience has been pleasant! My advice is to avoid this kind of torture, unless of course you are a mascochist and love the combination of pain and pleasure!

Finally some fun, what do you think Zaftig means?

Well, apparently it refers to a female body that is healthy, plump and vigorous.

Now I have lost weight, perhaps that is just what you see here – A healthy, plump and vigorous body. One that belongs to Master.

Y is for……

Yours.

Today there is one topic one purpose. Today this girl speaks from the heart. She tells you why she is Yours.

It is difficult for this girl to place herself back to those first few weeks. A time when even though she was experiencing sexual and submissive fulfilment beyond her wildest dreams. Yet a time when she felt unsure of her present let alone her future. A time when she struggled to understand your motives as a Dominant and a Master. A time when she failed to recognise the difficulties you saw in your relationships.

It is difficult to understand why this girl allowed herself to embark on a journey where another woman was your primary partner. Except to say that she knows now just how needy she was. For love, to express her submission and for recognition that she had found her purpose in life.

This girl is grateful that she found you, her Master and that during those first few months we discovered what might be important for us, in our relationship.

This girl is still troubled by the actions of the person you called your slave at that time, as are you. We have spent many an hour discussing those times, and have moved on. We recognise that our previous relationships have not fulfilled our needs. We see that what we have now is special, necessary to our wellbeing as a couple.

Better to have found each other and to have struggled to understand its meaning than never to have found each other.

Y is for yours.

This girl is Yours, now and she hopes forever.

X is for……

Wow, what words begin with X? I know many people are being creative with this letter of the alphabet and perhaps I am too. But in a different way.

X is for Xanadu and for X rated.

As far as I knew Xanadu was a song by Olivia Newton John and ELO that I remember from the 1980 film. Recorded at a time when I was young and single. I probably danced to it at discos (since that is what they were called then). But in searching for words beginning with X I discover that Xanadu is the name of the place described in in the really rather beautiful poem Kubla Khan by Samuel Taylor Coleridge.

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan 
A stately pleasure-dome decree: 
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran 
Through caverns measureless to man 
   Down to a sunless sea. 
So twice five miles of fertile ground 
With walls and towers were girdled round; 
And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills, 
Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree; 
And here were forests ancient as the hills, 
Enfolding sunny spots of greenery. 
 
But oh! that deep romantic chasm which slanted 
Down the green hill athwart a cedarn cover! 
A savage place! as holy and enchanted 
As e’er beneath a waning moon was haunted 
By woman wailing for her demon-lover! 
And from this chasm, with ceaseless turmoil seething, 
As if this earth in fast thick pants were breathing, 
A mighty fountain momently was forced: 
Amid whose swift half-intermitted burst 
Huge fragments vaulted like rebounding hail, 
Or chaffy grain beneath the thresher’s flail: 
And mid these dancing rocks at once and ever 
It flung up momently the sacred river. 
Five miles meandering with a mazy motion 
Through wood and dale the sacred river ran, 
Then reached the caverns measureless to man, 
And sank in tumult to a lifeless ocean; 
And ’mid this tumult Kubla heard from far 
Ancestral voices prophesying war! 
   The shadow of the dome of pleasure 
   Floated midway on the waves; 
   Where was heard the mingled measure 
   From the fountain and the caves. 
It was a miracle of rare device, 
A sunny pleasure-dome with caves of ice! 
 
   A damsel with a dulcimer 
   In a vision once I saw: 
   It was an Abyssinian maid 
   And on her dulcimer she played, 
   Singing of Mount Abora. 
   Could I revive within me 
   Her symphony and song, 
   To such a deep delight ’twould win me, 
That with music loud and long, 
I would build that dome in air, 
That sunny dome! those caves of ice! 
And all who heard should see them there, 
And all should cry, Beware! Beware! 
His flashing eyes, his floating hair! 
Weave a circle round him thrice, 
And close your eyes with holy dread 
For he on honey-dew hath fed, 
And drunk the milk of Paradise.
 
Coleridge claimed that this poem was written under the influence of Laudanum, an opium derivative while incapacitated by painful knees, but that his creative flow was interrupted by someone knocking at his door to conduct some business.
Whatever the truth of the matter, the concept of Xanadu gives rise to thoughts of a special place, containing a pleasure dome, an exotic place where anything is possible. Much like Olivia Newton John sings about.
So to X rated and I guess that in my thoughts and dreams, Xanadu and it’s pleasure dome might be a place for adults only. A savage place where a maid waits and wails for her demon lover.
In some ways Tumbr feels like that kind of place. Erotic, forbidden full of the unknown. Real and unreal, perhaps best viewed under the influence of a mind altering drug.
I think that Tumblr is a great place to go to for the weird and wonderful. It is a great source of real BDSM life played out for the pleasure of themselves and others. But it is also full of fakes and occasionally, sadly photos that appear to feature people who may be subject to abusive relationships often due to age. As I get older I find it increasingly difficult to judge the age difference between 15, 16, 18 and 21 especially where young people are heavily made up and older girls are trying to look younger. It seems safer to avoid looking at those photos. The staged photos are also very sad; people who are trying to demonstrate that they are part of this whole lifestyle for the camera and who clearly are putting on a professional show.
I know that in this country, the government is planning to use the issue of online abuse as a way of restricting what people can write, and what they can publish on the internet as photographs and video. In the future, it might not be enough to say that this blog is for adults only, instead I might have to be much more careful about the things I write and the photos I post for fear of prosecution.
For me, this is the wrong approach. Writing about sex and adult subjects is much needed. It is often the only way of expressing yourself as an individual and in reading about the reality of living a free and liberated existence. But the adult internet needs to be safe too. It needs to be managed in such a way that it does’t regularly contain material that is clearly abusive. It needs to regulate itself so that people who are clearly (or not so clearly) underage are not exploited quite as much as appears to be the case now. We bloggers can and should be able to take control. Sadly I am not sure that we will be given the chance.

W is for……..

Phew, the end is in sight and I have actually reached W. My kinky word today is Watersports, and the non kinky one is Wishes

I know watersports, or play that involves urine, is not for everyone. It is not something we indulge in frequently but I have to admit that it is a kink that both of us are turned on by. Master didn’t force me into this, he didn’t push my limits, instead I owned up to it.
Given my nursing career, I am not really bothered by most bodily fluids. Heaven knows I spent quite a bit of time in my late teens and early 20’s up to my elbows in them. However, putting up with blood, vomit, urine, pus and shit are different from enjoying doing so. To be frank I am a little more squeamish these days, and would prefer not to be involved with any of the above for work purposes. I have an office job and that suits me fine. Scat would be a limit for me, but it doesn’t need to be since I don’t think Master is particularly interested (though accidents happen). Urinating on each other though, well that is something different. 
It is hard to explain, but rather than being turned off by pee, I am kind of weirdly fascinated by excreting it myself.Whether it is the colour, volume etc. I also have to admit that I quite like the feeling of Master’s hot piss being sprayed over me. Perhaps it is the whole humiliation and degradation thing. Perhaps it is the fact that most people would find it weird and disgusting, I don’t know. To be frank it is not something I have thought much about, but if he wants me to pee on him, or he on me I am cool with that. I am not keen however to have it in my mouth. Luckily he has never asked and I do hope I don’t have to consider it, given my slave status.
I have written a lot on this blog about my past and about the present. All along I have detailed my frustrations with the situation I continue to live with when it comes to the relationship with my estranged hubby. This ongoing situation remains frustrating, but I am focused now on the future. I have started the process of decluttering the house and will soon embark on a few small projects to prepare for the sale. I recognise that this is probably the only way to move things forward. 
I plan to move in with Master and share his home with him. I plan to invest the proceeds of my portion of the house sale and to prepare to reduce my work commitments so we can travel more and generally enjoy our life together. 
My wish for the future is that I live my life to the full. That I have fun and that I enjoy myself. I wish to be able to embrace my submission and live as Master’s slave full time. My wishes involve prioritising us as a couple and him as my Master. I don’t think that is to much to wish for.

V is for……

Valuing what you have, but sometimes being prepared to take a risk.

What kinky words begin with V? I thought of vagina and vulva, but they just don’t feel like kinky words to me, rather they are parts of the female anatomy. Then of course there is vibrator, which is a kinky word. Or is it?

For me, a vibrator is and should be part of mainstream life, it is great for those alone times, but also for a couple who wants to add something to their sex lives. Of course there are some pretty kinky things that can be done with the right vibrating gadget in the right situation.

I think for the letter V though, leaving the world of kink behind might be the way to go. Instead, I would like to concentrate on something else; Valuing what you have.

I am a great believer in being careful about what you wish for. Perhaps that is why I stayed with my hubby for so long. Why I was so frightened to make a change.

In 2012 I took the decision to stop wondering about what might be out there for me. I had spent too long telling myself that my life was less fulfilling than it should be, I realised that I needed to discover what else was available. OK so, this also involved a lot of research about sex, BDSM and submission. I began to explore some unacknowledged and unsaid thoughts and ideas about myself, which may have led no where. In the event they led me outside of my marriage, but while it hasn’t all been plain sailing, I can honestly say I have no regrets.

There is still somewhere to go in freeing myself from my former life, but the difference in me, and what I consider right for me now is a world away from the place I found myself back then. A more or less sexless marriage, the realisation that I was not frigid (as he claimed), to what I have now. A life with a man who Master maintains is a submissive and me, a person who seemed controlling but who craved domination.

Master has asked many times if I regret that I only found personal and sexual fulfilment in my 50’s. How can I regret anything when I can see that I have achieved something that for most of my life felt out of my reach?

There were many times during my marriage when I wondered if I should have left my husband. After his long period of infidelity perhaps?

Although the time that followed when he became nasty and vindictive, blaming me. felt worse, I know that I took a conscious decision to stay, but on my own terms, which subconsciously meant that I was turned off form sex with him. I knew that there were positives about remaining in the situation, I also recognised that I would know when (not if) the end had come. And so it proved.

I value the times that I have had with hubby. I value the fact that I decided when I needed to end it. I value that my son grew up in the household he did, loved by both parents and for the most part not knowing the struggles that we had gone though.

But most of all I value the fact I have managed to break free, and to find a new partner. I also value the fact that both of us are enjoying a life that we didn’t imagine we would have.

It is important to value your life. Especially if it is the life that is right and that you never expected to enjoy,

U is for………….

Used and upbeat (starting with upbeat)

There is something about the dynamic within which Master and I live that gives me such a feeling of happiness and fulfilment. Perhaps it is the quality and quantity of the sex that we enjoy, which according to this article is far above what we should expect at our age and the fact we have been together longer than two years. Perhaps it is the level of communication that we enjoy, the fact that we can and discuss anything and everything. Maybe it is because I was unhappy for so long and never appreciated the affect it had on my physical and emotional wellbeing. Maybe it is because Master seems so happy; yesterday I saw him just smile for no apparent reason, he admitted that he was just happy. I am generally a half full person, I want to see the best in people and in situations and hate too much misery and pessimism. With me, what you see is what you get and I expect the same from others. I know that life is not all hearts and flowers, heaven knows I have had my share of pain and misery. But right now I feel incredibly upbeat about life, my relationship and am grateful for this chance to be happy.

Being used for someone else’s pleasure is part and parcel of this slave life I have consented to. The fact that Master wants and needs to use my body gives me pleasure, so it’s all good. Of course, this means that I might be woken at 7am to service him just when I would rather turn over, curl up and go back to sleep. This is kind of what happened this morning (Sunday). But as soon as he began to stroke and pinch my nipples and placed my hand on his growing cock, I found that I felt more inclined to stay awake. Climbing on top of me, he began to grind his cock against my pussy lips, finding my clit first with his fingers and then with the shaft of his cock. I spread my legs and he pushed inside. I have a tight opening to my vagina, which seems to spring shut in about 5 minutes flat. Master loves this tightness, which I guess is less usual for a 50 something woman who had had a child. Pushing his cock into me, gives a momentary sensation of discomfort, but that is quickly replaced by the wonderful feeling of fullness. Master has a good sized cock and I love the way he moves it in and out. All the time he talks to me about the fact I am there to be used, that I am the cunt, the slut, the bitch and that he is the Lord, the Master. These words arouse me more, and he encourages me to tell him that I need to be used in this way, that I am this girl, the slave and he my Master. Next he commanded me to get on top of him and to move in a way that causes his cock to rub against my g-spot. Orgasms at this point were freely allowed, which is as well since I was losing the ability to sense between one and the next. All the time he was pinching my nipples, and speaking to me.

Finally on my back again, he thrust inside and shot his load. Telling me that the previous weekend he had struggled to remember my actual name because to him I am this girl. We turned onto our sides, he spooned into my back, and shortly afterwards he was asleep. I crept out to the bathroom and returning noticed it was just before 7.30am. Used, but happy I fell asleep.

T is for …

Torture and tits, sometimes these two things go together.

Torture in our relationship, might be the collective noun for all of the things that Master loves to do to inflict pain but also to give pleasure to his slave. What is more, he has a large collection of implements with which to achieve whatever outcome he is seeking. In those first few days of our relationship when it was all about play, I gave him the name gadget man here on my blog. The fact that he owned so much kinky stuff that could be used on another person was almost mind blowing, especially when you are blindfolded and don’t know what he might pull out of the cupboard next. I have come to both love and hate some of those toys, often in equal measure. The violet wand for example, generating pain and arousal, while crackling with electricity is both thrilling and a little scary. Master loves to explore new ways of making me wriggle, flinch and ultimately orgasm by using different attachments, and by touching different parts of my body and of course piercings. I will often complain, moan that I don’t like something, knowing all the time that I really do get off on it.

He has a number of floggers, paddles, whips and the like, he has leather bindings to tie you up, harnesses, dildos and vibrating things including the wonderful hitachi. Also though he can apply torture with his bare hands, pinching and twisting bits of my body. He also loves to bite and to see the  bruising that appears as a result. Tit torture is a bit of a favourite of us both, and having the piercings makes that all the more possible.

I have always been proud of my tits, they grew when I was pregnant and thankfully never returned to their previous smaller size. They are not too big – I am a 36D `- and have not shrunk down too much since this recent journey into weight loss (I have lost 1.5 stone, or 21lb). They are a little less pert than they were, however. I think this might be a menopause thing, which I am now about 2 years into.  The need for a supportive bra is increasing, however I think I can still get away with Master’s preference of no bra, when we are out and about especially during the summer. My nipples are not huge and so I am happy to give the stretching thing a go, something I plan to do over the coming weeks when I am home alone in the evenings. We’ll see what the results are. The nipple piercings did take time to heal, but now that they have done so I am enjoying trying new jewellery. Pierced nipples have added to the sensitivity of them and also to the enjoyment we both get when Master plays with them. It also gives more opportunity for torture!

A close up

S is for…..

A girl’s submission to slavery

One topic today since this lies at the heart of her very self, what she is and how she functions. In order to write this blog post, this girl needs to write in the third person – her slave persona  – this girl. This is a personal need rather than something imposed. You see, when Master told this girl that he thought that the use of the third person would help her in coming to terms and understanding her submission he was right. In the beginning it felt odd and sounded strange to even refer to herself in private with no one else present as this girl. She didn’t exactly believe that it was necessary since she had already worked out she was submissive. Of course it turned out Master was right!
The realisation that this girl was a submissive came in the early days with S. He brought out her submissive side and taught her that it was a good thing. That it wasn’t a sign of weakness but instead strength. The desire to serve another, to want to please to feel the need to worship another was part of who she was. Sadly, S wasn’t the right person to receive this girl’s submission in the long term. Indeed, it is now clear that he was frightened of it. For him, it was about play, it was a game. For this girl it was a part of who and what she was. He recognised this and pushed her away. The fact that they carried on seeing each other for a while was about carnal need, but eventually it was clear that this girl wanted and needed more. 
Master recognised something in this girl during early online play and discussions in a chat room. Meeting up on a bleak, cold day in February only confirmed this. There was a sexual chemistry, but also there as something else. He recognised that she desired to submit to him and over time they agreed that she was his slave and he her Master. Looking back there was an inevitability which was confirmed after a period of separation which allowed both to reflect on their time together so far.

Separated by thousands of miles, both had struggled to make sense of the emotions of the previous few months. On the spur of the moment (it seemed at the time) he asked if she wanted to be his slave. Somehow that request was exactly what she wanted and needed. She didn’t understand at the time why she felt the sense of relief she did. It felt almost like a home coming (though that took place a while later when he returned from his travels).

Jack Rinella’s book Becoming a slave provides this girl with the closest definition and understanding of her own understanding of slavery. He recognises that slavery and indeed submission itself is personal. He describes slavery in this context as a voluntary type of servitude. He identifies that rather than the slave being someone weak, needy and in need of constant supervision, she (or of course he) is someone who wishes to serve the Master, to give the power she holds to him. In doing so the slave puts the Master first, supporting and empowering him. At the same, they are quite possibly achieving success in their own endeavours. This is how life is for this girl. She does not need micromanagement, and she is able to lead a successful career. However she feels that she needs to defer to Master, to seek His approval and support. She needs to be his servant, to please to to give him total control of the life that is their’s to share. 
In effect she has surrendered her will to Master and as Jack Rinella describes, her ego has been nullified and now belongs to him. She has given herself totally to him to take care of. Her self image has become his. 
This whole area of thought is complex, but for this girl it sits inside the deepest recess of mind and body. 
Yet, it is visible for all to see. Well for those who are able to see how important this life is to her. Generally people remark that she looks well, not just in body but that she is fulfilled.
Today, this girl met with her ex. Somehow she was surprised to hear the lack of communication that appears to go on with his new lady friend. She was surprised that she and he were unable to communicate at a level she is now used to. But later she realised she should not be surprised. Master has helped this girl to recognise her needs and to reach out to Master in fulfilling them. The level of communication in this girl’s relationship with Master is completely different. It and He have brought her happiness she could only have dreamt of in her previous relationships. Slavery has brought her happiness, but only because Master is the right person to submit to. She is Master’s slave.

R is for ……….

Restraint and relaxation

It has been an amazing revelation to me that being restrained gives me such a feeling of freedom. You would imagine that having your movement restricted would make you want to rebel and break free, but generally this isn’t the case. Master often starts by putting my ankles in cuffs and then attaching them to a spreader bar, before moving on to wrist restraints. A calmness seems to engulf me as I await whatever is next. Usually some kind of penetration (one or both holes),  and then painful stimuli. The violet wand, floggers, paddles etc. Added to that, perhaps the hitachi to force an orgasm or six.

The restraint though is the key in these circumstances. The ability to just absorb the sensations seems to be possible because I am unable to move. Somehow it allows me to embrace my submission and to face it head on. To relax and to enjoy (even if I don’t know I am enjoying it at the time).

Given the photo below though, it is difficult to understand how I find restraint quite as I have described above. Somehow though it just is.

We both value the ability to relax in each others company. We have busy lives – for me, work is hectic at times and then I have family responsibilities and for us both we often lead a busy social life. We value the downtimes though and have found that we can be comfortable together doing our own thing – reading, browsing, researching (him), sewing (me), listening to music – often time passes without a need to speak, just time to enjoy being together and to relax. Something I am looking forward to this coming weekend. 

Q is for………

  • Questions:
  • Found on tumblr, I give you these:


  • 1:When did you lose your virginity?
  • guess I was quite late, since I was 18, especially since it was with someone who I had been going out with for a couple of years. I later married him. Alarm bells anyone?
  • 2:Rough sex or soft sex?
  • Not either, but both. 
  • 3:Do you have any unusual kinks/fetishes? 
  • Er, only if you include bondage, the odd spanking or flogging, and the fact that we live an M/s lifestyle to name a thing or 3.
  • 4:Weirdest place you’ve had sex?
  • A picnic table…….
  • 5:Favourite sex position?
  • On top of Master is something of a favourite for us both. He loves to feel his properties tits and to be able to touch her generally!
  • 6:Do you like to be dominant or submissive?
  • submissive 🙂
  • 7:Have you ever had any one night stands?
  • Nope, I don’t think I am really a one night stand kind of a girl
  • 8:Sex on the bed, couch or the floor?
  • We have done all 3. The floor or couch for the purposes of need and lust. Bed for comfort
  • 9:Have you ever had sex in a public place?
  • Yep, some woods and a picnic table with S
  • 10:Have you ever been caught masturbating?
  • Not that I can think of. These days there is no one to catch me, and Master loves to watch
  • 11:What does your favourite sexy underwear look like?
  • I am so happy that Master prefers me naked!
  • 12:How often do you have sex?
  • It depends on how much we are together and what else is going on, a couple of times a week. We don’t live together though…..
  • 13:Is there anybody right now you’d like to have sex with?
  • Master, of course…..
  • 14:Do you prefer giving or receiving oral sex?
I love both. This wasn’t always the case, at one time I wasn’t sure I liked either. How times change. 
  • 15:Most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you during sex?
  • Once when S and I were at his friend’s house, they turned up. To be fair, the friend had been in hospital with a brain injury and had forgotten that he had given the keys to S. He arrived home with his teenage daughters for a weekend visit!
  • 16:A song you’d listen to during hard/rough/kinky sex?
  • Madonna, Erotica is a favourite of ours.
  • 17:A song you’d listen to during soft/slow/passionate sex?
  • Not sure, but my favourite song of always is Angels, Robbie Williams
  • 18:Are you into dressing up for sex?
  • Yes, if it involves a leather harness or something
  • 19:Would you prefer sex in the bath or sex in the shower?
  • Probably the shower
  • 20:If you could have sex with anyone right now, who would it be?
  • Master of course, who else
  • 21:Have you ever had a threesome? If not, would you?
  • 3 or 4, yes. I was an event that happened. I would do it again, if Master wanted such a thing, but wouldn’t go looking.
  • 22:Do you/would you use sex toys?
  • They have an important place, both in terms of what Master likes to do to / with me during play, but also in masturbating.
  • 23:Have you ever sent someone a dirty text/picture?
  • Occasionally 
  • 24:Would you have sex with your best friend?
  • Master is probably my best friend these days, so yes.
  • 25:Is there anything you do after sex? (for example, smoke, eat, drink)
  • Sex in the morning then we will have coffee, but if at night, just sleep.
  • 26:Something that will never fail to get you horny?
  • Master playing with his slave – tits, clit, or whatever. Him playing with himself while looking at porn. The butt plug.
  • 27:Early morning sex or late night sex?
  • either, but early morning is more common.
  • 28:Favourite body part on the opposite sex?
  • Eyes, smile, cock……
  • 29:Favourite body part on the same sex?
  • A pair of shapely legs. 
  • 30:Do you watch porn?
Yes, I find porn much more interesting and sexy than I would have imagined.