On a couple of occasions recently it has occured to me that I really should try harder at getting myself properly separated from the man who is still legally my husband. The first was while we were in Amsterdam and I was challenged by the friend we were staying with about my living arrangements. This was fairly near the start of the evening, before we had drunk too much wine. Much of what was discussed later has become something of a blur, but I do know that the discussion about my house and about my ex was no less honest and open than the rest of our conversations. I remember admitting how difficult I am finding it to give up the house. This is something of a revelation, since (and I admitted this), there was a time that I didn’t actually like it here. It turns out that dislike was about some of the less pleasant memories associated with it, plus the man I was living with. Now I fully admit I am struggling to give it up. The second occasion was over the weekend when I was writing my kink of the week post about being kidnapped and / or held captive. As I wrote, and the post emerged from my keyboard, I discovered the truth (well perhaps uncovered it) that if Master were to take me away from here and trap me at his place (or anywhere else), then I wouldn’t have to deal with the difficult stuff.
But of course these things do need to be dealt with. It is impossible to pretend otherwise, in my case for much longer.
There are some very odd things about my husband’s behaviour right now which need to stop and the only way to make that happen is for me to say and do something. He has not spent a night in the house for over a year, to my knowledge anyway. At weekends he definitely keeps away, and I can comfortably wander around naked, have Master to stay, and do anything else we care to do without fear of him walking in. During the working week though, that is not the case. Every morning he leaves the place he currently lives with another woman and on the way to work he walks into this house, stays (mostly) downstairs and then leaves an hour or two later. I don’t usually see him as this is early and I am sleeping. This morning though I woke early, got up to the toilet and discovered that he was already downstairs (I saw his car when I looked out of the window) at 4am.
In the evening he comes here on the way home from work, takes a shower and shaves. I admit, that I have continued to provide him with shower gel, shampoo, shaving gel etc to use. Generally I don’t see him as I arrive home when he has left.
Why though do I continue to allow these things to happen? He pays nothing towards the upkeep of the house, save the occasional contribution towards the mortgage and the annual TV license and satellite TV he has continued to pay. Many of his belongings remain here and there has been no separation of possessions of any kind.
Because it feels just too hard.
But, other things felt hard too and I managed to get past that feeling and move on.
I am writing this now, while I need to be reminded of that way I feel at the moment – tired because I haven’t slept enough and irritated at both him and myself because I have not dealt with something I have spent months saying I must do.
This feels hard, but really it isn’t too hard and it has to be done. There, I have said it. Now Julie, get on and do it!