The person I am now

On Sunday, I wrote about the slave I feel i am now. In that post, I considered the changes I have made during my relationship with Master and the way in which perhaps evolution has taken place. As a happier person, someone who no longer needs to take charge of many situations, perhaps my natural self has emerged for probably the first time.

Encounters with my ex are still a challenge. He is a man who for many years used me as his main form of support and who at times seems to struggle in taking control of his own life. My son is frustrated by the way his dad interacts with him but luckily he doesn’t expect me to intervene. You see, I couldn’t be the person i was when we were together. The person who made the decisions, who managed finances and life in general. At times he still frustrates me, but he is not my problem. As we move further apart, dealing with him becomes easier, even if I haven’t quite managed to properly extract myself from this marriage and I still live here in our house. I also acknowledge I haven’t dealt with the way he just walks in still, but increasingly I am separating myself from that and am unaffected by it. I know what needs to be done and just need to get on with it.

Next there is the relationship I have with my mum. Probably for the first time since my dad died, or perhaps even for a much longer period than that I am managing to distance myself from her. Her needs of me are such that she does rely on me to take her shopping and to help with the general management of her life and home. But I do have two brothers who are being required to step up. Gradually she is calling me less and also gradually she is emerging from the pain of bereavement. Hopefully this year we will help her become more independent. What is true though, is she actually doesn’t begrudge me my happiness, she is learning to leave me alone at the weekends when I am with Master and when she calls it is for a chat and no more. Gradually too, I am letting go of the feeling that I need to be needed.

As for my son, well he is living with his girlfriend, developing his career, and having a good time. He and I have the relationship we need. He knows where I am when he needs me and while I would like to see more of him, I know that he needs the space right now. Happily he now seems to approve of my relationship with Master and for that I am extremely happy.

Finally there is one person who seems to recently been trying to renew his relationship with me over the past couple of weeks. I will always be grateful to S for helping me to see that I didn’t need to put up with the life I had. Grateful also for helping me find my submissive self but much more the sexual person I really am. But he also was the man who dumped me twice. He is the man who made me feel he was the Dom of my dreams only to reveal himself as something of a fraud. We have remained friends on Facebook and Fetlife, though for many many months there was no contact. Suddenly over the past couple of weeks he has appeared on Facebook and begun to chat. Both times i have been polite but have also felt that this isn’t what i want. His assertion that he only has good memories of me isn’t exactly reciprocated and I have been feeling that now is the time to permanently cut off all contact. Reading Morning Star’s post today made me think that perhaps that is exactly what I need to do.