Some things feel too hard

On a couple of occasions recently it has occured to me that I really should try harder at getting myself properly separated from the man who is still legally my husband. The first was while we were in Amsterdam and I was challenged by the friend we were staying with about my living arrangements. This was fairly near the start of the evening, before we had drunk too much wine. Much of what was discussed later has become something of a blur, but I do know that the discussion about my house and about my ex was no less honest and open than the rest of our conversations. I remember admitting how difficult I am finding it to give up the house. This is something of a revelation, since (and I admitted this), there was a time that I didn’t actually like it here. It turns out that dislike was about some of the less pleasant memories associated with it, plus the man I was living with. Now I fully admit I am struggling to give it up. The second occasion was over the weekend when I was writing my kink of the week post about being kidnapped and / or held captive. As I wrote, and the post emerged from my keyboard, I discovered the truth (well perhaps uncovered it) that if Master were to take me away from here and trap me at his place (or anywhere else), then I wouldn’t have to deal with the difficult stuff.

But of course these things do need to be dealt with. It is impossible to pretend otherwise, in my case for much longer.
There are some very odd things about my husband’s behaviour right now which need to stop and the only way to make that happen is for me to say and do something. He has not spent a night in the house for over a year, to my knowledge anyway. At weekends he definitely keeps away, and I can comfortably wander around naked, have Master to stay, and do anything else we care to do without fear of him walking in. During the working week though, that is not the case. Every morning he leaves the place he currently lives with another woman and on the way to work he walks into this house, stays (mostly) downstairs and then leaves an hour or two later. I don’t usually see him as this is early and I am sleeping. This morning though I woke early, got up to the toilet and discovered that he was already downstairs (I saw his car when I looked out of the window) at 4am. 
In the evening he comes here on the way home from work, takes a shower and shaves. I admit, that I have continued to provide him with shower gel, shampoo, shaving gel etc to use. Generally I don’t see him as I arrive home when he has left. 
Why though do I continue to allow these things to happen? He pays nothing towards the upkeep of the house, save the occasional contribution towards the mortgage and the annual  TV license and satellite TV he has continued to pay. Many of his belongings remain here and there has been no separation of possessions of any kind. 
Because it feels just too hard. 
But, other things felt hard too and I managed to get past that feeling and move on. 
I am writing this now, while I need to be reminded of that way I feel at the moment – tired because I haven’t slept enough and irritated at both him and myself because I have not dealt with something I have spent months saying I must do.
This feels hard, but really it isn’t too hard and it has to be done. There, I have said it. Now Julie, get on and do it!

Mind and body

This post is inspired by this one by Geno Day. Turmoil of the mind and its effects on the body, and vice versa.

Generally these days I am a reasonably calm person. I say these days, because perhaps that wasn’t always so. For a period of time my life itself was in a state of flux as I worked through the decisions I had made to stray from my marriage and then to end it. Meeting Master occured during that time and I struggled to balance the various elements of my life as it was then with discovering my apparent deep seated need for submission. Times spent with him, meant learning to let go of my daily life, and embracing the new experiences he offered me. I learned to go for whole days and longer without considering my job or the other people in my life who had a call on me – the nearly ex husband, my son, my parents. Instead I learned to concentrate on me and on him, my Sir as he was at the time. We played quite a bit in those early days and through that play, I found out so much about my body discovering that by letting go of the turmoil present within my mind, something else took its place. A freedom in my head, the ability to allow my submission to build and to take its place. Perhaps though the turmoil moved to a new place; somewhere around my groin area. 

Orgasms were for a long time a way of gaining release from the frustrations of my life and the marriage where I seemed unable to enjoy sex with my husband. The freedom that came with those orgasms were however short lived, momentary even. Meeting Master, however meant that things felt different. Sex was different, I enjoyed it, embraced it, loved it even. Orgasms were no longer mine to own, and in the main, he decided when they occured. Having that control removed, freed me even more, allowing my body to respond to him and my mind to focus on him. He trained my to respond to his command, counting me down from 5 or 10 or heaven forbid, 20. I found that by focusing on him and not on what the end result was to be meant that I was able to orgasm on his command. My body responded in a way that I would never have imagined.

Fast forward to now, just over two years into the relationship. Now his slave and his property, I am the writhing slut he wants and needs. My body often enters a state of physical turmoil towards the end of the count, as I fight to control it until it is time. My body writhes and reacts almost of its own accord as the physical conscious reacts with the unconscious. Fluid gushes from my pussy, demonstrating the physical arousal. My clitoris hardens and sounds emerge from my mouth as all of the emotions come together in climax. He loves  me to look at him as I cum. He loves to see my eyes shining and I love to see the power that he recognises in himself at that moment. As the turmoil passes, so I thank him for the gift of that orgasm. He owns them, but gives them freely to me and then he tells me I am a good girl. 

Calmness returns. 

Without control

He used the Hitachi on her that morning.

It had been a long time, but when He suggested they go into the play room, nothing would have stopped her. When He plugged that particular device in and turned it on, when He placed it between her legs, she felt her hips move involuntarily towards that vibrator. She knew she needed the release it would offer even before He told her it would .

Those early minutes during that session were pleasant, the vibrations flooded though her.

But then the torture began, not that she complained. The zipper, the nipple stretching, the flogger, the violent wand. Not to mention that her ankles were secured in the spreader bar.

It should be mentioned that it has been a while since any of that stuff happened and that she fought a little against those experiences.

He ripped the zipper away. That hurt, big time. He commented about the bruising to her labia, love him!

Then He put the vibrator back in place He opened her labia so that her clit, complete with piercing rested on the bulb. She found herself pressing against it. The vibrations pulsed through her, she knew it wouldn’t take much.

Being allowed to cum though direct stimulation like this would be a rare event, she knew that she should embrace the opportunity.

The orgasm built inside her.  That feeling both inside and outside of you that is both physical and psychological in the same moment. Her hips arched towards the sensations, she allowed them to build and as her body exploded she was sure to tell Him that the orgasm was His. She thanked Him as she is expected to do. She was reminded that not all orgasms feel the same, since most of hers lack physical stimulation but are intense. Just in a different way.

Even though her body was throbbing with each orgasm He didn’t stop. He kept the vibrator between her legs, touching her slick clit. She writhed on the bed, both loving and hating the sensations that machine brought to her. The body was in overload as her hips arched towards what was both pain and pleasure.

Then Master turned the thing off. He decided it was time that He took pleasure from the slave. He exclaimed that she was wet. What did He expect? This slave was as ever without control and at His mercy, but at the same time needing just what He offered. His Dominance over her. At last He pushed inside her. His cock found its way into Her and she was complete, at His mercy.

Kink of the week – Kidnapping / Captive

For me there is something extremely sexy and erotic about the fantasy of being kidnapped and held captive. Especially if that captivity involved being kept naked or scantily clad for a period of time. Or even forever as Master’s sex slave.

There was a time when I might have just wanted a strong, dominant man to take me away from the life I was so unhappy living. Now, though my fantasy doesn’t involve just any dominant, but one in particular. I guess though, in desiring Master to kidnap me, it could only happen once. Linking those thoughts to the reality of my current life. Living in my former marital home, where I can spend only part of the week as Master’s slave, my thoughts of captivity bring with them a kind of freedom.

How wonderful it would be to be taken by Master and told that I am now to stay with him. To be told that I have no need of possessions. That I am his slave to do with as he sees fit, to be used for his pleasure when and how he wants. To be in a place where I can’t escape, and where I am expected to do as I am told, a place where I provide service to him and him alone.

Of course, in this fantasy, I am obedient and always do as I am told. I am not the wilful girl that I often am in reality. I wouldn’t complain about being naked, about being chained if that was what he wanted. I would take pain willingly without resistance, but instead embrace it and love it. What is more, kneeling would be something I could do for long periods of each day, without ever complaining of pain in my knees.

For me, this fantasy is about release. By being taken and held captive, I am able to leave behind the remnants of my former life. I am able to stop worrying about everything else in life other than Master. At last I am able to fulfil my desire to be his slave and property at all times. I am able to devote myself to him, to worship him and to kneel before him naked. Also though I am able to take care of him and to allow him to take care of me.

Perhaps then, this fantasy isn’t about being physically taken and held, but about letting go of the past and about embracing my role as his slave. It is about completing the journey we started two years ago, and acknowledging that it would be so much easier if he just took me, rather than me having to go through the reality of selling the house, divorcing my ex and all of the stresses that involves.

 kink of the week

SCC Writing Prompt – Staying Connected

The ability to connect to each other when we are apart is important for us, since we don’t live together. Early in the relationship there was much more day time contact, through various messenger services and by text. But now we have settled into the occasional text and a Skype call most nights when we are apart. We tend to spend anywhere between an hour and over two on a call and just use it as a means to catch up on our day and to discuss current affairs and anything else on our minds.

Sometimes when we are apart I can lose focus on myself as His slave, but that really only happens these days if our separation is for a prolonged period or if I am under undue stress. Most of the time we manage the times apart as this is just how life is for us. There is little chance for us to become bored with each other, to run out of things to say to each other or to become complacent. Even when we live together, I plan to still work, there will still be family things I will do on my own, so there will be periods of absence. I always know how to contact him if I need to as he does me.

I don’t see the time we spend apart as a particular disadvantage and feel that over the duration of our relationship it may well have strengthened it. It means we value the times we are together, particularly, as has been the case this past week, when we get to spend a longer period of time in each others company. It does mean though that when we are apart I do miss him and know he also misses me.

What is His

Weeks and weeks go by in a blur. Work happens, we go out and about; concerts, theatre, films, meals. Then are the times we just chill out and do little. Sex is always part of those times as is the undercurrent of our M/s dynamic. Sometimes though a little more is needed. This week this girl must have known something, or perhaps gave off some specific vibes as she wore her but plug for 5 of the previous 7 nights. There is something very comforting about the feel of that metal inside. The weight of it, the coolness as you push it in, the sense of arousal that is ever present. Waking with it still inside, feeling the need to lie there for a few moments before the day starts imagining the metal being replaced with Master’s own hard organ.

It had been a while since this girl had taken seriously her responsibility to prepare herself in this way. It had also been a while since he had expressed the desire to use her arse. But this week she did and He let her know what was in His mind too.

He started, soon after waking, by stroking on of her pierced nipples, and then taking it into His mouth and stroking the other. Familiar feelings of arousal filled her groins, but she fought to keep them at bay. Until that was He signalled that He wanted her to orgasm, through a count down from 10. Then filled with endorphins she took His cock in her Mouth and concentrated on worshipping Him, while all the time she could hear Him talking about their roles and purpose as Master and slave. This girl’s purpose is to serve her Master and to be ready to be used by Him. That knowledge spurs her on through life, but it is easier to remember your place when you have a mouthful of cock. Pulling away, she spent a while stroking Him, but then He got out of bed and went into the playroom, returning with a glass dildo.

On all fours as instructed she felt the dildo’s coolness as it passed through her anal sphincter and slipped slowly in. As His cock brushed against her clit on its way into her cunt, she could tell just how wet she was. After a bit of repositioning to get the angles right, she could feel His cock deep inside. Her body felt like it was completely full. All the time He was asking questions about her place as His slave and in turn she responded, telling Him that He is her Master, owner of her body, mind and limits.

He withdrew and removed the dildo, then instructing her to lie flat on the bed, He pushed His cock into the place the dildo had been and took the arse that He owns for Himself. Deep inside her, she felt any resistance she may have had melt away. She felt His Dominance and she felt His ownership. She felt complete.

Afterwards as they lay together He finally touched the clit, rubbing her until the orgasm racked her body and she lay almost speechless. It had been a while since she last entered this special slave place, somewhere she will now likely stay for a while.

Tomorrow we are leaving for a few days in The Netherlands, so hopefully more chance for Master to take what is most certainly His.

Discussing sex

This is the first time that I have written a post for food for thought Friday 

The question is: are you comfortable discussing sex with your partner? Do you have the confidence to ask for what you like/want?

So, here is the thing. Having spent a large part of my adult life unhappy or unwilling to discuss my sexual needs with a partner, I now find myself in a relationship that not only am I able to do just that, but also it is expected. 

Every sexual encounter involves my being expected to describe what is happening and what I need to happen. I also speak about my personal needs as His slave, sexually and as a human being. For me, nothing is secret any more. I am expected to speak about everything about my life – family, friends, work, ex, just everything. Against expectations, this is actually liberating. 

This isn’t a one way street though, actually this relationship is such that I want to express my sexual needs to the man who owns me, my Master.

So, how did I get to this place? How did I become this person, rather than someone who felt unable to speak about her sexual needs? 

The key is being in the right relationship with the right person. for too long, that wasn’t the case, I was with a man with whom I wasn’t compatible. But more than that it is about being prepared to listen, to try to help that other person discover their sexuality, their needs as an adult human being.  It is about time and space. Time to talk about everything and anything. Time to explore each other’s bodies. To touch and feel, to kiss and to find out that actually pain is also important.

But, giving some thought to the person | was when I met ex-hubby and indeed to him, it is also about taking on board the experiences of life, accepting what wasn’t right, rejoicing what worked previously and making the best of what life has to off right now.

We are people in our 50’s and if we can’t discuss sex now, perhaps we never will. Happily we can and we do. 

SCC Prompt #185 Humiliation and Degradation

There is something about humiliation and degradation that works for both of us. It is about placing this girl in situations where she is made to dress in a way that others might find inappropriate. So for us, that will be no underwear, or clothing more fitting to a much younger women. It is about being touched in public in a way that might be seen as inappropriate. It is about peeing in public. It is about knowing that this girl has piercings that are there for His pleasure. It is about the collar and its meaning.

It is about many things. Our relationship holds humiliation and degradation as a central place in our dynamic, but for us it doesn’t have the effect that you might expect. Instead it is a turn on for us both. It is something that we need.

For this girl, as we approach a new summer, the excitement grows. The chance to begin to expose her body, the chance to be more daring again, the chance to show Master how much she loves to expose her body in the way He loves and approves of is very exciting.

This girl knows that she finds humiliation and degradation a turn on whether it relates to play or a permanent relationship. But she also knows that the latter means so much more. She knows also that she would love this to be part of her life on a permanent basis.

This morning, Master described a fantasy where His girl spent much more of her life naked, or just wearing an open shirt. Where she was available to Him at all times. He could then stretch her nipples, and spend time touching them. He could pull the chains on her genital piercings (soon to turn from 1 to 3 or maybe 5) and when she would be in no doubt 24 hours a day that she was His slave. That forms part of this girl’s greatest desire.

Just getting on with things

We have been busy living our life, having a good time and when we are busy doing that, there isn’t often much kink to write about. Often also, when there has been a whole stream of posts about our kinky, M/s life, then there is a lull. 

So, that has been the past couple of weeks. 
Last weekend we went back to Master’s college for an event to celebrate the retirement of one of his tutors. For me, it was a rare chance to see him with friends, in a place he feels comfortable and is happy to be reminded of. It was also a chance for me to dress up and for us to get away and have some fun. We stayed in a lovely hotel and had the chance to explore a city that I had never visited before, but where Master studied as a student. The thing is, when you are in your 50’s as we are, visiting places from the past and seeing people you knew when you were so young has an appeal it never has before. This was the case for Master and for me gave me an insight into the life of the man I love, long before I knew him. I wasn’t disappointed. He and his friends recounted stories of those days and I was able to enjoy their reminiscences. But, there was no sex, let along kink, not that I could have cared less. 
This weekend has been different, we have been back to normal with a mixture of getting out and about with time spent relaxing together, both in bed and out.
This morning Master reaffirmed his dominance over his slave and told her of his plans for our upcoming trip to Amsterdam. 
On that trip, we will again have a mixture of experiences. We plan to stay with a friend outside the city and to do some touristy things. But also we will be spending some time catching up on our dynamic. Master told me today that He is going to get some more piercings for His girl. These will be  in her labia. This feels exiting and a little on the scary side. The chance though to mean that Master can chain this girl’s labia to her clit is very very exciting. There will of course be pain, but as usual, no pain no gain!
March Questions: maybe I am so open there is nothing anyone wants to ask? 

Questions for March

March is the month for questions in the blogosphere. So, feel free to ask anything you like. There is very little that I won’t tell you about. Plus there is always the hope that someone will ask something of Master and I will be able to get Him here to spill all…………. So ask away!

Meanwhile, a March Hare………..