When humiliating and degrading terms just turn you on

The word ‘cunt’ is quite taboo within society. It is indeed one of the few words that will cause a TV company in the UK to use their ‘bleeper’ even after the watershed. Cunt was a word that really didn’t feature in my vocabulary until the last couple of years. If anyone had told me a couple of years ago that I would easily and willingly be referring to myself as Master’s cunt, or this cunt then I would have laughed in their face.

I have been through a massive learning process about myself, one I am only beginning to recognise. Firstly it was about learning to refer to myself in the third person as this girl. To begin with the fact that Master referred to me at all times in that way was difficult to get used to. Using that terminology when referring to myself was even more troublesome, it isn’t hard to think and write ‘this girl’ but saying it out loud in normal conversation is more challenging. But over the months I have gradually found that it can become the norm when the other person in your relationship always uses those terms. But using words that you once considered derogatory to describe yourself take some getting used to.

To begin with, once in a sex and orgasm induced place it felt ok to call myself a slut, or a bitch, or even a cunt. But generally it required Master to lead the conversation, to have me repeat who I was to him. Just recently that seems to have changed.

I feel that I am beginning to embrace my place in our relationship. I am his slave, his property. What is more, I am that slut – my behaviour with him is slutty and what is more I love being that slut. But I am not just his slut, actually I recognise that my body is his and I am his bitch. Just this morning during sex, my animal instinct took over and it was clear to us both that in that moment I was his bitch – not only did I perform in that way, but I told him without prompting that I was his bitch.

Over the last few weeks it seems too that I have begun to embrace the cunt in me. I am always ready for him, to be touched but also to be fucked. The holes that live within me but belong to me are his. I am his cunt, whether it be the mouth cunt, cunt cunt or arse cunt. That is who I am and I am proud of that fact.

This journey has been thrilling and exciting, but at times difficult. I doubt that I will ever stop learning how to be Master’s slave, but I am clear that the place I am now is as His cunt. What is more, terms that used to feel humiliating are now the norm. They are not just words they are the reality of this cunt, this slave. What is more, they turn her on.

This feels like a vicious cycle of some kind!

30 Days of Kink: Days 16 – 19

What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?

The most difficult thing must be the need to be quite so guarded about the way we choose to live our lives when it comes to BDSM and kink generally.

Often people ask how Master and I met. For example I was recently out with a friend who is considering online dating to find a new partner. She was curious about which website I had used to find Master. But since that website was Alt.com, I really didn’t feel able to be honest. So told her, as I have said before, that it was ‘just a chatroom’. I don’t feel comfortable telling people the kind of website it is, or the actual name since I am not sure it would be their of place. Plus there is always the chance that people might go to look and find me and of course Master there (unlikely I know).

Another challenge is when people start to talk about kinky sex and their personal understanding of it (usually relating to 50 shades of Grey). An off the cuff comment about spankings, about anal and I can almost feel the colour rising in my cheeks as I try to sound cool, uninterested and unknowledgeable. 

What I do like though is that I have friends I can discuss kink with openly and that we have the munch we attend where gradually we are getting to know people and can also be ourselves much more


What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?

That our lives are like the fictional characters that now seem to abound the internet. It is not obligatory for the Dom to be a billionaire who has problems forming relationships and who had a domineering mother. Or for the submissive to wander blindly into the relationship. Kink is also not just about sex and spanking, though both may be involved. For us, kink is about the power exchange dynamic on a day to day basis. 

Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?

Not really. The key thing I have learned in all of this is that each relationship is different and that communication is the key. Our lives are not just about kink, rather we exist in the real world.

Any Unexpected Ways Kink Has Improved Your Life? If So, What Are They?

My life is better in so many ways. I have a wonderful, uninhibited sex life. A partner who pushes me to be the sexual being that it turns out I am. A relationship which involves being open and responsive, and where communication is key. Plus I have met some amazing people who I would never even have encountered. Finally and most importantly I have found out who I am and what I really need from my life and a man who is able to fulfil that.

Taking what is His – Masturbation Monday, Week 64

It started with a few strokes, admiring the soft pussy hair he leaned closer for a look. Her hips arched up as the first twinges of arousal gripped her, making her move her body towards his fingers. Gently His fingers stroked the slick area between her labia, then examining the piercing he leaned even closer and she felt his tongue brush over her. Impulsively she took hold of His balls, coupling them gently in her hand and squeezing a little before moving onto the erect cock. Already the orgasm was beginning to build and for a while she let those feelings build in her. She moved her head to see if she could reach the cock with her mouth, but sadly she could not. He laughed out loud and made a comment about her inability to such Him. Instead she continued using her hand, stroking, caressing.

The tongue strokes were becoming more urgent and she knew she would need to ask for permission to cum soon. Feeling her body tense a little further though He lifting His head from her slit and began a count down, at 10. Even though she had felt she might be closer than 10 seconds away, the start of the count helped her focus and she relaxed a little. 9, 8, 7, the tongue returned to the clit hood, the clitoris itself erect and proud. 6, 5, 4 and more stroking and nibbling. She allowed herself now to be immersed in the final count down as He lifted His head and counted 3, 2, 1, CUM.

On command the orgasm flowed from her body and she felt the tell tale signs of her body beginning to shudder and hot and sweet fluid flowed from her body.

He moved on top of her now and she told Him how much she needed to feel that hard cock inside her body. Instead He used the cock to tease and instead ripped another orgasm from her through external stimulation this time with His cock.

Finally she felt Him fill her. The masturbation part had ended and the penetration had begun.

Hair

Before I started on this journey to submission, I had never modified my body or hair to please another person. Indeed, I was actually quite resistant to requests from hubby to do so. At times, I did shave my pussy for his pleasure, but those times were rare. As for the hair on my head, well I chose the style and he either liked it or didn’t.

Things are different now. It isn’t just that i have agreed to be slave to Master that makes me want to make the changes he desires (well I don’t think it is), rather it is also because I love him and because I trust his judgement on these things.

There are two areas of hair that he is particularly interested in – the hair on my head and that which now covers my genital areas. He prefers the hair on my head cut short, something that I have now complied with, though it has been a gradual process from mid length to short. Last time I asked my hair stylist to cut around my ears and I am very pleased with the result. Many people, including Master have commented and say it really suits me. Now though he would like that area above my ears shaved so that it is just that bit shorter, but I am nervous about it. Partly that is about me needing to ask the stylist to cut it in that way, but also because I wonder if the reaction of others (with the exception of Master) will be less positive. He feels that it will show my kinkiness to others, though of course that might only apply to those who know such a thing. I have worn a collar 24 hours a day since July and very few people have commented on that, or indeed seem to know what it is. The same hair stylist has told me that she loves my necklace, but I think it is just that she likes jewellery of that type.

Conversely having been completely bare in the pussy area for S, Master instructed that I should grow my hair early on in our relationship. The hair in that area is slow growing, but now it is fully regrown. Unlike the hair on my head, it is still brown and what is more it is very soft and smooth. Softer and smoother than Master has felt on anyone else (so he told me last night). I have got used to it being there again and am happy to have it grown in that way. However I have now requested permission to shape it a little (I am quite hairy and it seems to want to grow in my groins and upper legs) and that has been granted.

From reading other blogs and also speaking to other slaves and submissives it is clear that Dominant men are not all the same in the way in which they prefer the hair on their submissive to be. Many men seem to like long hair on the head, but a shaved pussy. Mine is just the opposite, which in a way is reflected in him as a person. No one could ever accuse him of conforming to anyone else’s ideas of a social norm. He is his own person and I am pleased to be part of that. It doesn’t mean however that making those, apparently small, changes are always easy. In the end though I generally do as I am told. That of course is the slave in me.

Master’s concerns

There have been some times recently when I have gone a little off the rails. These have usually been when I have found myself alone after having been with Master for a period of time either here or at his house. Nothing serous has happened, but generally I have had a little too much wine and then got myself into an emotional place that I really don’t want to get into. The result is usually me sending him texts which in the morning I can’t remember sending. I can’t put my finger on exactly why these things have happened, but I know that he finds the texting reminiscent with his previous slave who was pretty high maintenance. 

I say reminiscent, but actually I am pretty sure that a drunken lapse on 2 or 3 occasions is nothing like what he experienced previously (I have to say here that she was never drunk, but did send long messages, and then more messages if they weren’t responded to immediately). What is more I am pretty self sufficient in most of my life, and am perfectly capable of making sound decisions outside  of our relationship.
This Sunday I broke the previous 2 week cycle (can 2 weeks actually be a cycle) and was neither drunk or needy. Any texts were just part of our usual conversation. 
But none the less, last night he expressed his concern that he was in some way to blame for any behaviour lapses on my part. 
Over the past several months Master has been suffering from a shoulder problem. Predominantly pain in his right shoulder which he has struggled to cope with. Of course being the person he is, no actual diagnosis has been obtained since he hasn’t actually sought medical help. As someone who used to work in rheumatology, I do know however that these kinds of problems often have to run their course and that any medication or physiotherapy treats the symptoms but that the actual problem sorts itself out in the fullness of time. 
This shoulder problem has affected Master’s willingness and ability to take part in any impact play with me, his slave. There have been precious few times this year when the violet wand or the hitachi wand has come out and I am not sure when I was last tied up or flogged. 
But we have been extremely busy this year. We have been on two wonderful holidays, we have had a number of weekends away, we have been out on numerous days and nights out. We have attended a munch regularly and are generally out more than we are home when together. I work full time and have my mum to manage / care for too. I also have an ex husband who is struggling with the final stages of our break up.
Personally I don’t believe I have been neglected in any way. I am not unhappy with our relationship in any way. I love the sex and play, but I love our time together much much more.
If I act out from time to time it is because I sometimes lack a little self restraint when I am alone. But from where I sit, I don’t think that is a massive problem.
I hope he agrees. 

Sex and obsession on a Saturday

Saturday for us started slowly. We woke late (well late for me) and spent time just browsing the net and chatting. It was clear to me what kind of websites Master was browsing on his phone, since he was rubbing his cock as he studied his phone. Soon he moved onto me, the object I am pleased to say, of his desire. He started as he often does with my nipples, pinching and then sucking them and quickly the first orgasm was offered to me; of course I took what was on offer. Then Master was ready to take possession of his cunt, feeling very pleased with himself as I told him that this cunt was inside His cunt. The use of objectification is becoming an increasing part of our sex life. He loves me to describe myself as a bitch or cunt and I would be lying if I didn’t admit that this really does turn me on.

A little later, showered and having had our morning coffee we left to drive to the station to get the train to Sexpo UK

Sexpo, which was on all over the weekend was a combination of exhibition, live entertainment including pole and other exotic dancing, stalls selling various sex related products. A number of very busty, scantily clad porn actresses sat behind desks, signing photos and sometimes emerging from the safety of their stalls to pose for paid for photos. There was also a petting zoo – which apart from a few of the toys was probably the most BDSM related part.  The exhibition was held at London’s main exhibition centre, at the same time as the Good Food Show. Funnily enough few of the people visiting the food show would even have known what was going on next door.

Events like Sexpo bring out an interesting range of people. Those who appear to have wandered in by mistake (though since security was tight that wouldn’t have been the case) and seemed a little bemused, though interested by their surroundings. Then there were people whose entire experience of sex is probably porn films, plus maybe the rubber bottoms (asses) on offer, next the fifty shades generation, dipping their toes into the bigger world of sex toys, corsets, short skirts and rubber / latex. Finally there were just a few people clearly part of the BDSM lifestyle; I only saw a couple of people wearing collars, one or two women wearing little more than a bra, or not even that, then of course there were the pets. But there was no real sign of the kind of people you usually get at alternative markets and fairs. The most bizarre thing we saw was a naked guy who was painting portraits, while people posed, with his penis – I kid you not! I asked Master if dipping your cock in paint and using it as a brush all day would make it sore, he said he thought it would.

I had thought I might buy myself some new item of clothing, but apart from the corsets didn’t see much I wanted, and anyway as Master pointed out I am still in the process of getting to the weight I would like to be. So I ended up buying nothing. Master made a study of various floggers and other implements and we generally looked around, but came away empty handed. It was a fun way to spend an hour or two.

Next we grabbed an early dinner before crossing London to get to the BFI where we had tickets for the 1987 film of sex, lust and obsession – Fatal Attraction. Master had never seen the film before, but I had. In 1987 I was still newly married, and in my mid 20s. It was the kind of film hubby and I went to see during that time, popular, a little raunchy and starring Michel Douglas as Dan. I remember that I found it exciting and just a little scary, since Glenn Close plays such a crazy woman who you didn’t know what she would do next.

Observations in 2015 are that the film still has the suspense that it always did but that it is mystifying to know how Michael Douglas’ character didn’t see through Alex’s (Glenn Close) in the first 10 minutes. 1987 was pretty much the height of the anxiety and near hysteria over AIDS, so I am not sure why Alex was able to get pregnant. I guess though that hollywood didn’t discuss condom use then or practise safe sex. One thing I don’t think I noticed in 1987 was that the two main female characters appeared to wear no underwear at all, but then I notice this kind of thing much more now. I am not really sure that the film has aged well, and certainly Master found it all a little far fetched, especially the scenes where Alex has broken into Dan and Beth’s house and the scene in the bath. Indeed a number of the very small audience found the scene where Alex rises up in the bath, having been ‘drowned’ by Dan hilarious.

Still given the rest of the day – sex and then sexpo, it was probably a fitting film to see.

Nipple play

I have been absent from Kink of the Week for a while. I knew Molly was taking over permanently, but hadn’t realised she had created a new home for it. Today though I read Malfic’s post and that led me, well here. Just in time too, since this one ends today!

For a long time I knew that my nipples were important for me sexually; nipple play and orgasm are closely linked. I can almost (but not quite) bring myself off by tweaking, pinching, twisting and generally caressing my own nipples. When a lover does the same thing though it really doesn’t take long. for too long I had no idea quite how important my nipples are to me sexually.

Master has helped change my understanding, partly through my piercings and because he prefers his slave not to wear underwear including a bra where possible when we are together.

Combining the almost constant arousal that the nipple jewellery gives along with the way that those nipples brush against my clothes and it would be true to say that I am always well on the way to an orgasm when I am with Master. Add to that dimension the orgasm control that Master is able to exert over me then we have a situation where very little direct stimulation is required from him and I am giving him an orgasm on the count of 5 (or 10 or how ever many he decides).

Play or sex often starts with Master sucking or pinching His slave’s nipples; it helps get us both into that special place we both want to be. The fact that those nipples are always available to Him definitely helps and is something I am very happy with.

I must admit that since we had the piercings done there hasn’t been much in the way of nipple clamping, and that is maybe something I would like to change. Plus Master has mentioned the idea of stretching my nipples with some kind of gadget He has; I would be up for that.

Damn it, I love my nipples and love to have them played with, I am glad Master feels the same way.

Time

It has been almost exactly 3 years since hubby discovered I was cheating on him.  I remember vividly the day that he thought he had found something within my emails; I had met someone for lunch, but that person while male wasn’t the person I was cheating on him with.

However, it became clear within hours, that I really did need to tell him the truth. I am not proud of deceiving hubby in the way I did and it is not something I would recommend. In hindsight I should have dealt with the marriage first and then found myself a lover. But hindsight is an easy thing from this distance.
I still live in the marital home, he has moved out and is living with a woman he met just a few weeks after I dropped my bombshell on him. For months and months during 2013 he pretended that when he stayed out for nights on end that he was at a male friends. That turned out to be a lie. Then last year I discovered that the woman was that person he met on our trip to Germany in December 2012 and that she was a person I had previously worked with. It is now a year since hubby stayed over night in the house. He knows we will have to sell, but hasn’t been keen yet to do so. He appears to be avoiding the inevitable.
While he doesn’t sleep at home he visits every day, usually when I am either in bed or at work. He still calls in on his way to work and takes with him some sandwiches which I make (I know that I need to stop this). Then in the evening he calls in and showers before heading off for the evening. I have allowed this to continue for the past year despite knowing that I need to end this. This week due to a lack of afternoon meetings, I have been able to arrive home early and so have encountered him every evening and then yesterday on my day off he decided to spend the entire morning in the house. I took this opportunity to try to speak to him.
He claims that the relationship with the woman he lives with is a friendship. This is in spite of the fact that they portray themselves to each others families (including our son) as a couple. He seems unwilling or unable to move himself on to a stage where he accepts that we should have no part of each others lives (save those involving our son) any more. Encounters like this one, where I try to have a serious conversation about ending our relationship more formally always result in me being frustrated and in he being upset.
My son has indicated that he and his girlfriend would like to buy the family home, but not for another year. It isn’t really clear that they can afford to buy the house, but I am willing to let them try and also willing to hang on for a year. But what I can’t do is allow the current situation with hubby to continue. The trouble is I am at a loss as quite how to move us onto the next stage. I guess I could start divorce proceedings, but the financial elements would need to be finalised as part of the divorce, so probably I should wait for that too. Plus, even getting divorced might not change things in his mind.
I know that is is time to end this situation once and for all and that there are some things I can and must do to help. He says he understands that our marriage, is over and that we won’t ever go back to where we were. But his words and his actions just don’t match up. 3 years seems long enough for him to get the message and I know I now need to make him understand that I really do mean this.

SCC Writing prompt #164

The thing that always pulls me back into the submissive mindset is when Master refers to me as girl, rather than saying for example ‘you’ or using my given name (though to be honest he doesn’t often do that). I am always girl, or this girl, in bed and during a scene; it is my slave name. There are plenty of other names I am called – slut, bitch, cunt; but always girl. If Master reminds me that I should be referring to myself as ‘this girl’, well then that is enough to stop me dead in my tracks and to comply with his wishes. I have to admit I find it interesting that this is the case since I know well I am a woman, a middle aged woman, but to him I am girl; this girl. Of course if he should refer to me as ‘good girl’, well then I am in my element. A swooning submissive slave girl.

The collar is my real world trigger. It is made of titanium and so is not as heavy as a collar made of steel. There are times, whole hours worth of time, when I forget I have it on. I might catch sight of myself in the mirror and there it is plain as day. A sign of slavery, ownership; submission. Sometimes I wonder why the collar of my dress / shirt feels so heavy, and realise it is the collar. Then there are the times I wake with the collar in an odd position and think about the fact I am his slave. After 4 months or so of wearing the collar I can truly say that it continues to add to my feelings of submission. I love wearing it and love the fact that he and I know what it means and also that there are people out there who also know. I also like the fact that 99% of the people who encounter me during my daily life have no idea, most don’t even notice more than some chunky jewellery.

My go to remedy every time would be the butt plug. There is something about the cool metal slipping into the space where you feel nothing should probably be placed. The pressure that you need to apply to get it to ease past the tightness of the anal sphincter and the feeling as it pops into place. Then the feeling of fullness and the effect it seems to have on my general wellbeing. The way it relaxes me and helps me think about who and what I am. Plus, yes, the way it reminds me of what else finds its way into that very space. Master knows the effect the plug has on me, and will instruct me to insert it when he feels I am getting just that little bit bratty, anxious or both.

Why a woman might be turned on by the sight of another woman

The Other day, I read this article, which suggests that most women are actually either bisexual or lesbian. The article is based on an academic study, and I haven’t read the source of what was printed in an online newspaper. I say this, because working in healthcare as I do, I often find that what is contained in an academic research paper and what appears in the press can be a little different. Sensationalism is often the name of the game, with the press and media seeking to find the most shocking, exciting or even horrific finding and blowing this out of proportion.

But in this instance, taking the report and the headline at face value, has got me thinking. Just because I am aroused by looking at naked pictures or films of a woman, does not in my opinion make me lesbian or bisexual. What is more, even if I am turned on by seeing a naked man on screen it will not mean I will definitely fancy him in the flesh or want to have sex with him. A number of things can lead to me to become sexually aroused – a smell, a sound, a feeling, a memory and yes a visual encounter. But these things are often linked, rather than something that happens separately. For example, the sight of a woman touching herself may make me think of a situation when I was masturbating myself, or when Master was there beside me telling me to stroke myself. It isn’t the sight of the woman that arouses me per se, but rather the associated stimuli – the smell of my own sex, the knowledge that she might be doing this for her partner, the sounds that I suspect she might be making, the look of lust on her face. All of those things contribute to my own reaction. But put me in a room with her and that doesn’t mean that I wish to get up close and personal and to have sex with her.

Master often looks at porn photos and videos, and sometimes he will show them to me, hoping to make me aroused, which in turn makes him all the more turned on. It is true that he would love a situation where he watches me with another woman, I in turn would be happy to do such a thing. But I am reasonably sure that any arousal that I would experience as part of that event would be more about the knowledge that it was turning him on, rather than that I wanted sex with her for my own sake.

During my relationship with S, we had an encounter with another couple. It was a mad and crazy afternoon of fun and lust. I found the idea of the other woman immensely arousing, and when she was touching me, I was turned on. But it was the situation, not the person that made that so. In the same way, I was aroused when I sucked her partner when instructed to do so by S. They were fun and attractive people. He had a wonderful cock and while I was in the moment I was most definitely aroused. But it didn’t make me bisexual any more than it made me want to go off and have sex with her partner on our own.

In my opinion, there is far more to human emotion and sexual arousal than there appears at face value. To coin a research based phrase: there are just too many variables.