30 days of kink – 3 in one!

As with some of the of 30 days of, it seems that combining days is a good idea, otherwise a girl could be here till Christmas completing it.

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic

There are a number things to this photo – firstly she is naked and on her knees, he is fully clothed and is standing up. Look at the way He has His hand on her head. Finally of course, she is restrained and wearing the leash that He is holding.

This speaks to this girl of submission and Dominance, of control, of power and control. 

These are some of the things that this girl finds erotic. Re-enacted in real life and this girl imagines that she would very soon have her mouth around Master’s cock, at His very insistence of course.  

Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy

Madonna, Erotica

Master has played music from this album once or twice during a play session and it is beginning to have an effect on this girl even when He is not around. A bit of a Pavlov’s dog thing? 

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

The only limits this girl now has are the hard ones which both this girl and Master agree on anyway. They would be around age play, scat and anything illegal. Other than that, this girl has handed her limits over to Master, she is His slave and that is all that can be said on the subject. He wishes to push this girl’s limits and she trusts that He will do that in the right kind of way. Safe to say, this wouldn’t always feel pleasant, certainly on the surface. This girl finds it both scary and exciting to be pushed, but trusts Him to do it in the right way. 

Four days in as a collared slave

There is really only one thought in this girl’s mind right now and not surprisingly it is about the fact she is a collared slave. For one thing, she is still aware of the weight of the collar; while it is not heavy (it is made of titanium) it is heavier than anything this girl has previously worn. Add to that the fact that she hasn’t really been wearing anything at all around her neck for a while (since her gold chain snapped a year or two ago), then that is not surprising.

To be honest, being aware of the collar this week is a good thing. The cuff felt like that for a week or two as well, and now she is used to it, this girl forgets it is there unless she looks at it. On top of the feel of the metal around her neck is catching sight of it. This girl is spending a little more time in front of the mirror right now. Checking how the collar looks with various outfits – what a vain thing she is all of a sudden! Add to that, the need to touch the thing, to feel it’s coolness as this girl runs her fingers over it. On a downside, you need to be careful when using the hairdryer – it certainly heats up quickly when you are drying the back of your hair.

So far few people have said anything about the collar, just a couple of people at work. Two female work colleagues who have admired it and one male colleague who called it an interesting piece of jewellery. Family observations will follow, this girl is sure, once she is seen with it constantly. It will be the fact that she always wears it, that may provoke more in the way of comment.

This girl is definitely looking forward to going to the next munch with Master in her new collar; she will be proud to be seen as His property.

But the main thing for this girl is that Master loves to look at it and to admire it, close up of from afar.  For us it means an acknowledgement of our roles as Master and slave. A chance to show ourselves and others that this relationship is important and meaningful.

The collar is a symbol, the relationship itself is the important thing. This girl is committed to that relationship and happy to be His slave.

My favourite toy – 30 Days of Kink / Masturbation Monday

Since this post is being published on a Monday, it is both for 30 days of kink and Masturbation Monday.

I have thought about this, more than a small part of me would love to say that is it is the violet wand and I know that is what Master would love to hear. It is true to say that my Master, also previously known as gadget man, loves His violet wand attachments. I personally enjoy the comb attachment, which He strokes through my hair. Plus there are those that He strokes across my body, resting briefly (or not so) over my piercings. Then there are the electric light bulbs that cause both pain and static and which we are both glad He learned about that Easter day, last year, at BBB.

Ok, so it would be true that those experiences are amazing. But none of them have quite the effect of the Hitachi magic (magic rather than violet) wand. There is nothing, in my opinion quite like direct vibration of the clitoris. When that stimulus is applied through a magic wand the feelings are just beyond amazing. Then if the person to whom the vibrations are applied has no control over the toy, indeed perhaps she is restrained, blindfolded, maybe even gagged, then the stimulus becomes that person’s whole world.

Given the choice of a way to be played with, to be masturbated to be made to orgasm over and over again, the magic wand would be the toy of choice. The situation would be as described above and would be accompanied by the touch of Master’s hands on his slave’s body as it writhed with uncontrolled pleasure. This kind of thing doesn’t happen often, but then perhaps that is a good thing, since it would cease to be quite so special.

Clip from Tumblr

A girl’s thoughts on being collared and the future.

Master has gone home after a lovely weekend together and this girl now has some time to reflect on the weekend and on our relationship generally. Yesterday, before the collaring Master reminded this girl about her use of the word I, rather than speaking in the third person as she is meant to do. At the beginning it was one of the things that helped this girl manage herself and the stresses of daily life.

It would be true to say that this lapse is just one of the ways in which she has been falling a little short. When a couple doesn’t live together it is really easy to let bad habits creep in. For a slave in that situation it is perhaps too easy to know that He can’t see her all of the time and that He doesn’t want to have to micromanage her behaviours

For this girl though, last night’s collaring feels like a good way to think again about making sure she is being the best possible slave for her Master and is serving Him in the ways that He wishes. So this girl is going to make some changes, to correct some of those things and to prepare the way for further adjustments that she knows are to come.

The two key things that this girl needs to think about are really simple to fix – the first as she has eluded to relate to the use of the third person when engaging with Master. This is designed to help remind this girl that she is a thing, a possession. She knows this to be the case, but needs to remember her place which communicating with Master. As part of this adjustment, this girl is going to use the third person much more when blogging.

The second area that needs to change is that this girl should be wearing one of her butt plugs twice a week to sleep. The problem is that she can’t actually remember the last time she did wear it. This could be easily combined with the requirement that when she loses focus, she look in the the mirror and say out loud that she belongs to Master. This girl feels that these two rules could easily be combined and used much more frequently, along with a new need to kneel. So even without the rewriting of rules this girl will spend some time when alone in the house in the evening kneeling, plugged in front of the mirror in her bedroom thinking about her submission and getting into the right headspace. Then on some of those evenings, this girl will leave the plug in place for the night. As Master has reminded girl, wearing the plug helps to centre her and to allow stresses to evaporate.

This girl is still on a high, sitting here as Master’s collared slave. But she recognises that wearing His collar brings with it new responsibilities. This feels like a new chapter in this girl’s journey as Master’s slave.

This slave has been collared

Late last night this girl knelt, knees wide, hands upwards, naked before her Master while He placed a collar around her neck and tightened the screw. Then He drew on her breasts and tummy. 

This symbol, which Master created from the letters MPB is going to form this girl’s tattoo; He thinks that this would be a good position for it. The little bruise is a result of the way in which Master used his slave after she had been collared.
This mark is on girl’s tummy (a little faded as it was post shower) and use her He did. Last night as a play thing – she lay naked, and open for Him to feel, kiss and bring to orgasm after orgasm, while He sat clothed. Then this morning she was thoroughly fucked by Him.
Now this girl has been collared, the contract and rules we have will be re-visited. This girl has been lax in sticking to some of the prescribed rules and Master hasn’t really punished her for those lapses. It seems very likely that this will change. This morning, this girl is one very very happy slave.

Embracing the good feelings

The other evening Master and I were at the Munch that we have started to attend regularly. While there, I got into conversation with someone who says she has no understanding or concept of subspace.

Now the first thing to say is that we struggle to work out the dynamic of many of the couples who attend that particular group, let alone being clear about how the single people see themselves. I suspect many of the people are generally kinky rather than being into any particular dynamic. But a few are in definite D/s relationships.

The lady in question and myself were part of a small group chatting about lots of kink and non kink things. Master was elsewhere, chatting about man type things (machinery, fixing things, technology related stuff). Apparently she is a science teacher and as such finds the idea of something that involves needing to let go of the scientific, sensible side of her brain a step too far. I found myself trying to describe the feelings I experience as that euphoria invades my own cluttered mind and I allow all thoughts to leave it.

I too have something of a scientific background, though not to the extent she described. But maybe the difference is not your knowledge of the physiological processes that matter but your willingness and of course ability to let go of the realities of life. Of course there is the fact that I identify as submissive and we didn’t quite get on to that bit. Especially as I mentioned before that I suspect many people are not involved in this kind of dynamic.

This morning, Master spent time squeezing the nipples that belong to Him. The nipples of His property. Squeezing, sucking stroking.  Sometimes I wonder if it is such a good thing that just these actions can make me orgasm and send me well on my way to subspace.

30 Days of Kink, Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy

There is nothing weird about any sexual fantasy I have, indeed any fantasies are part of something Master and I share.

He knows that I am not sure that I really want to have sex with a woman; I am not bisexual but going on a previous experience I am willing to experiment. I get that when you are in a state of sexual arousal, it might not be important who is actually providing that stimulus. That knowledge predates any thoughts that I was in any way kinky. What is more, I am not adverse to trying new things, so long as I have a say in what happens going forward. I am also curious to know just how I will feel if I see Master having sex with another woman.

Looking back, my previous experience in this area is pretty hazy. It was the girl on girl part that i remain unsure about, but then the whole thing remains pretty surreal, since S, I realise now was trying to tick off a bucket list of things he might do before he got too old to do them. That particular weekend, when taken into the context of his driving a trebuchet at an English castle (which essentially involved running around a large hamster wheel) and enjoying the quirkiness of his chosen hotel, was pretty sedate. The other couple were involved in something clandestine, even after 20 years together and didn’t stay in the hotel for dinner, much less over night. What we enjoyed was interesting but somewhat fleeting. However she and I have remained in contact unlike S and i who have not.

I am open to more girl on girl. Also to the whole 3 way experience. But, like Master i believe that this doesn’t need to be part of any kind of long term, relationship. Indeed better (given our brush with polyamory) that there is no actual relationship with me and the other woman or he and her.

I am not gay, I am not bisexual but I am curious. He likes the idea of watching me and her and I like the idea of watching Him with another woman. We are both clear though that we don’t quite know what that experience for us in our relationship will bring up. But I think we are open minded.

30 Days of Kink, Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience?

You have to remember that I was a mature woman who needed to explore a new side of herself. At the same time though, the way I let this experience play out was scary, both at the time and looking back.

Before Master, I met a man called Steve online. 

Steve and I had been chatting for a few weeks (at least two anyway). We decided to meet.
There is no doubting that we were attracted to each other, both sexually and it seemed in terms of the D/s dynamic we discovered existed between us. I say ‘seemed’ because I think that for Steve, that this was a game and for me, well I didn’t know. Now, I know it isn’t any kind of game, it is a reality, but at the time I was excited and ready to play!

The 5 day course I was enrolled on gave us an opportunity. It was a challenge to think up an excuse though to need to stay away from home when it takes just half an hour by train to get here. S booked us into a hotel about half an hour in the other direction. What I didn’t know at the time was that the hotel wasn’t really within walking distance of the train station and that this place had no taxi rank.He booked the hotel so that I could easily arrive, go to the room and change. He had given me instructions about how to dress for him. Plus I had a good idea about how things might go. 

Arriving at my destination, it was raining. There were no taxis and I needed my phone to help me find my way. I was half excited and half anxious as I walked to the hotel. What was I doing? Why was I here? When I arrived though and the room was booked and paid for those thoughts evaporated. Then S arrived and my positive feelings were confirmed. He agreed I should continue to get ready and head to the bar and then he would take over the room to shower etc. 

Looking back this evening was indicative of how we would play out the whole relationship, in that we played a role, it was an act. I did my whole, middle aged woman in slutty clothes including stockings, suspenders and heels, well. He played whatever he was playing that night. 

We both wanted and needed sex. Essentially that was what we got soon after we met – one drink, no food.

The sex was kinky – pretty much anything would have been for me then. He was dominant that night in a way I needed. I kneeled, I sucked, He took possession of me in a way I hadn’t known before. We also had anal sex –  my first time.

Looking back I see this for the complete madness that this was. But at the time we serviced a need.

The following morning I was hungry but barely able to eat breakfast. I was late for the last day of my course and sat there, once I had arrived wondering what I had got myself in to.

I broke so many of the rules of safety when starting a relationship, but went with my gut. Steve and I saw a need in each other and satisfied it for quite a while. In the longer term there were lots of things wrong, but as preparation for my current relationship, I can’t complain.


Finding my place in the world

This will probably be one of those rambling, navel gazing posts. But it might well be important in defining where I exist in the world, a month before (yet) another birthday.

Not withstanding my previous post, where I described my feelings about coming home from holiday with Master and consequently dropping a little. Actually I am feeling very positive about the place I am in right now.

A lot of that has to do with finding where I fit in relation to others within my life and where I belong in my own self. So here goes:

Life with Master
This man is very special. I would go as far as to say we are very important to each other, we are comfortable and just downright happy. In public we may be chatting away, or we might be quiet, but if you come across us sitting silently. We haven’t run out of things to say, we are just happily taking in our surroundings and when we are ready to speak to each other we will. Other times, we may be laughing; at ourselves or at others. Or we may be recounting something funny from earlier in the day.

Our M/s dynamic is now ever present and I am so, so happy with that. I no longer feel the need to research what we are planning to do. I am happy to have decisions made for me and I am happy to do as I am told. Well mostly. Of course, I am still me and I do try to argue present my point of view whether or not I am accused of being bratty or unruly.

Our sex life is amazing and is never dull. Sometimes the BDSM is overt within it but often it is an undercurrent of ever present kink. That suits us perfectly.

Damn it I love this man!!! Plus He loves me. What else is necessary?

The ex
Over the past few weeks ex hubby has driven me crazy. He has been stressed and has consequently tried (often successfully) to make me stressed too.

But something interesting has happened this last couple of days. The ex and his lady friend are now in France (staying in our jointly owned property that I pay all of the maintenance for). Suddenly, at home here I feel happy and safe. There is no chance he will walk in ( which he tends to do every day). I feel it is time to pack up his remaining things and get them moved out as soon as he returns to the country. Soon it will be time to make that final break, something I will have to initiate to make happen.

Everything about his behaviour over recent weeks reminds me why I ended things with him and why I am so happy with Master.

The juggling act with my mum goes on. I often feel guilty about the extent to which I begrudge spending time with her. It is not her fault she is on her own, but it really is her fault that she is quite such a difficult individual. Interestingly she does have insight into her behaviour, it is just she denies she can do much about it. Master helps me balance the time I spend with her and am at her beck and call with the time I spend with Him and indeed alone.

Getting my brothers to pull their weight is more challenging. They have their own lives and problems of course, but it often feels that it is me who bears the burden of responsibility. But then maybe that comes with the territory of only daughter. The loss of my dad still weighs on us all, causing frustration for us children when mum feels that she is the only one who lost anyone.

The greatest thing is that my son is settled and living with his girlfriend and in his career. We have a great relationship, even if we don’t see each other as much as maybe I would like. But he needs the space to develop and grow as an adult and he knows I am here when he wants me. He isn’t averse to telling me how to deal with his dad, something I fund amusing. I just love the adult male I have helped him to be.

A year ago I was struggling with finding out who ‘me’ really was. I was part of a polyamorous relationship, the other part of which was going very wrong. Looking back it caused doubts for me personally, about who I was and what I could expect from my relationship. At the same time there was the family stress; my dad was dying and hubby was struggling to realise that our relationship really had ended.

None of those things are part of my life now. Difficult as the months since have been, there has been immense joy. What is more, I now know who I am and what is important to me.

The things I need to worry about right now are; that I can support myself by giving my best at work and earning the money I need to provide for myself. Then that  I am there for my son, my mum and wider family as they need me. Those things accounted for my role is to be slave to Master, to serve his needs and to submit to becoming the person He wants and needs.

There are still lots of struggles in many parts of my life. But actually when it comes to finding my place in the world, as this girl, I think that I am doing pretty well.

Withdrawal effects

We returned yesterday lunchtime from a wonderful 12 day holiday together in Spain and France. After arriving back at Master’s house from the ferry port and unloading the car, I reloaded my things into my own car and drove home. In a way it felt good to be back – there is always something special about getting back to your own home and your own belongings after time away. But in another way I felt stupidly sad and empty.

Fighting those silly feelings I got on with my chores – shopping, washing my clothes, opening mail and catching up with family members (not in that exact order). But still as I sat watching some tennis on TV in the late afternoon I found myself feeling lethargic. On the one hand loving the me time I was experiencing and on the other missing Him.

I wanted to blog about the wonderful time we had together and about the fact that our relationship, in terms of slave and Master has developed even further, if that is possible. But I was just too lazy. Or, maybe it wasn’t laziness, but rather weariness after what has been a busy couple of weeks. I went to bed quite early and slept amazingly well.

Not surprisingly, I have woken early this morning and as the day spreads ahead of me, I realise that I am fighting the feelings that on the one hand I value my independence, after all this has been a hard fought journey. But on the other I love to be with Him and to feel the constant feeling of His dominance over me. That isn’t to say that I can’t feel that dominance right now, even though He isn’t here. But it is about adjustment to the realities of life. About the knowledge that I have to think about others and not just Him or indeed us.

Today and over the weekend I have family things to do and on Monday there is that important thing called work to address. The realities of life call – the need to support my mum, check in with my son and to support myself. There are bills to pay and mundane things to sort out. There is also the matter of losing the 2 or 3 pounds in weight I have managed to put on (I know that is pretty good considering I have eaten and drunk so much).

But having been with Master constantly, arriving home without Him feels strange. I am definitely feeling the effects of withdrawal. I will of course get over it, particularly as we are going out tonight!