This will probably be one of those rambling, navel gazing posts. But it might well be important in defining where I exist in the world, a month before (yet) another birthday.
Not withstanding my previous post, where I described my feelings about coming home from holiday with Master and consequently dropping a little. Actually I am feeling very positive about the place I am in right now.
A lot of that has to do with finding where I fit in relation to others within my life and where I belong in my own self. So here goes:
Life with Master
This man is very special. I would go as far as to say we are very important to each other, we are comfortable and just downright happy. In public we may be chatting away, or we might be quiet, but if you come across us sitting silently. We haven’t run out of things to say, we are just happily taking in our surroundings and when we are ready to speak to each other we will. Other times, we may be laughing; at ourselves or at others. Or we may be recounting something funny from earlier in the day.
Our M/s dynamic is now ever present and I am so, so happy with that. I no longer feel the need to research what we are planning to do. I am happy to have decisions made for me and I am happy to do as I am told. Well mostly. Of course, I am still me and I do try to
argue present my point of view whether or not I am accused of being bratty or unruly.
Our sex life is amazing and is never dull. Sometimes the BDSM is overt within it but often it is an undercurrent of ever present kink. That suits us perfectly.
Damn it I love this man!!! Plus He loves me. What else is necessary?
Over the past few weeks ex hubby has driven me crazy. He has been stressed and has consequently tried (often successfully) to make me stressed too.
But something interesting has happened this last couple of days. The ex and his lady friend are now in France (staying in our jointly owned property that I pay all of the maintenance for). Suddenly, at home here I feel happy and safe. There is no chance he will walk in ( which he tends to do every day). I feel it is time to pack up his remaining things and get them moved out as soon as he returns to the country. Soon it will be time to make that final break, something I will have to initiate to make happen.
Everything about his behaviour over recent weeks reminds me why I ended things with him and why I am so happy with Master.
The juggling act with my mum goes on. I often feel guilty about the extent to which I begrudge spending time with her. It is not her fault she is on her own, but it really is her fault that she is quite such a difficult individual. Interestingly she does have insight into her behaviour, it is just she denies she can do much about it. Master helps me balance the time I spend with her and am at her beck and call with the time I spend with Him and indeed alone.
Getting my brothers to pull their weight is more challenging. They have their own lives and problems of course, but it often feels that it is me who bears the burden of responsibility. But then maybe that comes with the territory of only daughter. The loss of my dad still weighs on us all, causing frustration for us children when mum feels that she is the only one who lost anyone.
The greatest thing is that my son is settled and living with his girlfriend and in his career. We have a great relationship, even if we don’t see each other as much as maybe I would like. But he needs the space to develop and grow as an adult and he knows I am here when he wants me. He isn’t averse to telling me how to deal with his dad, something I fund amusing. I just love the adult male I have helped him to be.
A year ago I was struggling with finding out who ‘me’ really was. I was part of a polyamorous relationship, the other part of which was going very wrong. Looking back it caused doubts for me personally, about who I was and what I could expect from my relationship. At the same time there was the family stress; my dad was dying and hubby was struggling to realise that our relationship really had ended.
None of those things are part of my life now. Difficult as the months since have been, there has been immense joy. What is more, I now know who I am and what is important to me.
The things I need to worry about right now are; that I can support myself by giving my best at work and earning the money I need to provide for myself. Then that I am there for my son, my mum and wider family as they need me. Those things accounted for my role is to be slave to Master, to serve his needs and to submit to becoming the person He wants and needs.
There are still lots of struggles in many parts of my life. But actually when it comes to finding my place in the world, as this girl, I think that I am doing pretty well.