It wasn’t always so

For my second masturbation Monday post I am going to reveal something of my life before kink. Not only have I lived in a semi sexless marriage for many years, but I was also late to the pleasures of masturbation.

I am not sure when I began to realise that my life was lacking, that the sex life I ‘enjoyed’ was not as it should be. I am also not sure when it was that I realised that I could give myself some of the pleasure that I didn’t receive within that relationship.

As a teenager I remember being told that touching yourself was not a good thing. Given that the relationship with my mum was pretty volatile, I wonder why I actually listened to this advice. After all, I ignored much of what she told me. My first serious relationship was with hubby, I was only 15 when we started seeing each other. We did masturbate each other long before penetrative sex took place, but in hindsight this involved me touching him and me humping his leg rather than he touching me in any significant way.

Fast forward into my 20’s and as a young married woman I began to read a little about sex, I bought the Joy of Sex and it led me to start to explore my own body as well as hubby’s. Its a shame that I didn’t explore other reading material at that time. Our lives began to diverge when, around the time of the birth of my son in 1991 he had an affair with another woman. Overnight, whatever else happened, my instinct was to turn away from him in bed. Instead, I began to explore my own body. With my fingers yes and through the writing of erotic stories, in long hand. I started to pay with my body late at night and even remember waking to find I was having an orgasm. Since there was no internet and I didn’t even know that published erotica existed outside of playboy etc and of course only men bought them, the only thing to do was to create your own reality.

Around this time I discovered Ann Summers, a UK lingerie shop which also sells sex toys. I bought a couple of vibrators – one a butterfly vibrator and another some kind of dildo. Using these toys I began to realise exactly what was missing from my life. For the first time I began to regularly bring myself to orgasm. The purchase of our first home computer was the thing though that helped me develop my knowledge, about my own body and about what I might have missed out on. I found the site clitical.com and from there started on a major voyage of discovery. Reading the experience of others and realising that masturbation wasn’t just something you did to yourself made me curious about what I really had missed out on. Often when I was alone in the house, I would strip naked and explore my body with my fingers, I used ice on myself and I used toys to bring myself off. I found my own G spot and found stimulating my own nipples aroused me.

I longed for someone to touch me in the places I touched myself, but was turned off when it was hubby who offered to do so. Something inside me prevented me from opening up to him, prevented me from wanting him in the way that I want my Master now. It was then that I realised that the marriage was something of a sham.

Over the past 2 or 3 years I have learned so much more about myself and my body than I probably had in the previous 20 or more. Encouraged first by S and now by Master I am not frightened to touch and be touched, indeed I love it. Master loves to watch me as I stroke the body that He now owns. To see the effect of the piercings on my level of arousal. And, when I am alone, and I touch that same body it is Him I think about and for him that I masturbate at all. If an orgasm happens as a result of all of that touching then it belongs to Him. I might have arrived late to this table, but given my life right now, I have no regrets.

About us. An update

It is time that I updated my “about us” page, so this post is written for that purpose.

This morning Master commented that it must have been a year since this girl became His slave. This thought has given this girl cause to reflect on that year and to realise how far she has come and how different her life is now in comparison to then. For one, there is no ‘alpha slave’ waiting across the atlantic ocean. This time last year, Master was with kitty and unknown to this girl, things in that relationship were drawing to a close. None of us realised it at the time, so this girl was trying to live from day to day, making the most of her time as His slave, biding her time until it would end and kitty would arrive. At that time also, hubby was still spending part of the week at home, son was living here and things with dad’s illness were beginning to come to a head. Life was stressful and this girl appeared to be one high maintenance slave.

But actually that is far from reality. This girl is in the main self sufficient when she needs to be, but ever reliant on Her Master when she doesn’t. Life is now in a steady routine where weekends are spent together. During this time, this girl feels safe in the knowledge that she is His slave, His property, His play thing, but the relationship is now so much more. During the week, this girl is working and in the evening she is her, at home, alone. What is different though is that she remains His slave during that time. There is now never a moment that she doesn’t know or feel that she is His. There are external signs – the slave bracelet and the piercings. But without those symbols that knowledge and feeling remains. This is now a 24/7 TPE relationship even though we don’t live together. This is stated even though just days ago this girl denied this was so. Today she has changed her mind.

How can this girl say and think such a thing with such certainty?

Well, increasingly this girl knows that it isn’t just he body that Master owns – that part was given up willingly when she became His submissive.

It is the deep seated and acknowledged fact that He owns every part of her. It is about the fact that He always knows what His girl is doing, who she is with (except during the working day) and that during those times, when out of sight that she is mindful of her slave status, of what His views would be of her behaviour at that time. This is done without actual contact, save for the occasional text or email.

When they are together His control over her is more overt and explicit. That isn’t to say that she doesn’t do things on her own initiative, of course she does. But there is an every present understanding who and what she is and what her purpose is. Of course, this relationship is much wider, deeper, and stronger than can easily be expressed on a page such as this. It is a loving caring relationship between two adults. It is about pleasure and fun and it is about discussing serious issues and making decisions. But at all times, He is the Master and she is the slave. She is this girl to Him and He is Master to her.

Today this girl has no limits, they are owned by Master along with her body, her orgasms and indeed her mind.

All of these things can be stated because there is complete trust in who this girl is, who He is and that He will always do the right thing by her. Soon we will take the next step and this girl will wear Master’s collar.

A year may have flown by, but in terms of this relationship we have come a very long way.

Oct 2018: For our story to the present date please see the pages at the top of the blog. 

SCC #118

I think that it would be true to say that since my life is now evenly spread between Master and family with little time for others, my only other place for support is probably my brothers and my mum. Since she and I have always had difficulties in relating to each other and since she is the one who is much more vulnerable right now, it is unlikely I would go to her if I were in need. Having said that, I have a couple of friends who would listen if I needed it, just as I would and have done for them.

I have begun to realise that I need the support of others and that it isn’t necessarily a weakness to do so. The way I am able to communicate with Master is probably different to my past relationships. We have opened ourselves up to each other and as far as I can see that is a good thing.
A D/s relationship is in the end a relationship. Therefore a dominants need to turn to someone is the same as any other person. I am not just his submissive but his friend, his confidant and his lover. If he needs another person, then fine, but if not, I am there not just as his submissive.

Map of human sexuality – Something fun

Find out where I’ve journeyed
on the Map of Human Sexuality!
Or get your own here!

I found this through someone’s Fetlife profile. Click on the “map of human sexuality” hyperlink to see my map, and then you can do your own. Great fun. A chance to think about the things you like, those you would love to try and those that you definitely never ever would and luckily you have a Master who wouldn’t want to either!

Submissive Coffee Club #117

This has already happened in our relationship, there have been times when Master has acknowledged that my help has been required, though maybe not at the time. He is not a man who takes kindly to being ‘told what to do’. But what I found was that if I gave Him the space and the time and didn’t push too hard, then He really did let me in.

When He didn’t readily confide in me I did feel helpless, but the key was to go on giving what He needed from me. Being there and offering my presence as well as, when He wanted it His property – i.e. all of me that He owns.

I am not sure that it is about rules, once again I am not sure that Master is a man for rules for Himself. But for me to have given up what I have, there must be trust. I trust Him completely to keep me safe during my submission. So He that would be his bit of the contract, as it were.

Bratty

This girl is generally pretty well behaved. She has moments when she get’s stressed and anxious, but they are thankfully far and few between. When this girl and Master are together, this girl knows that she is free to express her views, to be who she is. Well this is true within limits, ones that He sets.

Master is in charge, He knows what He wants and knows His own mind.

Of course, all human beings need help and guidance as they are follow life’s often difficult journey. This girl has plenty of life experiences and likes to  share them. Sometimes girl’s views on how He should deal with issues are welcome and sometimes they are not. Sometimes, it is just about speaking out of turn, being a little too sarcastic. Or else saying something that Master is not yet ready to hear.

Whenever this girl oversteps the mark, in Master’s view, she is accused of being bratty. Of being unruly (whatever that is meant to mean). The funny thing is that the definition of brattiness changes from day to day, situation to situation. This girl hardly ever knows where she stands on these matters. She doesn’t know when her views will be welcomed and when, she is just being bratty.

Punishment for being bratty is not severe, perhaps it is a spanking. Or perhaps it is just being restrained, put into cuffs, a collar or harness. Sometimes it is a grin and a question “Are you being bratty?” A girl never knows.

Being described as bratty is, this girl believes a way of reminding her who she is and who He is. There is rarely consistency in what is defined at bratty or what the punishment for it should be, but then that is of course up to Him.

He is the master and makes the rules. No one says those rules have to be the same each time. Anyway, they certainly keep this girl on her toes.

No need for a suit

So, here’s the thing. While I have to agree that a man in a suit can look pretty darn sexy, actually it is not the suit that makes the man.

I haven’t seen Master in a suit since they are consigned to the working wardrobe he no longer needs. No doubt if I saw Him in a suit, it would be a great turn on, especially if it were well cut and it fitted Him well. But actually I don’t need that.
The whole dynamic when He is clothed and I am naked is pretty much enough to send me to my knees. There is something very erotic about being instructed to undress, knowing He intends to remain clothed (at least for now). It usually means He has a plan to use some of his toys on me, perhaps to restrain me, perhaps dress me in a collar and harness. Maybe He is thinking of inflicting some pain, perhaps He will use the violet wand. Part of the fun is in the anticipation. I love the feeling of His hands on my bare skin and if I can feel the edge of His shirt cuff too, then all the better. But there is no need for Him to be wearing a suit. Oh no, no need at all.

Submissive coffee club Prompt #115

The lovely tori’s blog has led me to another great place; sccwriting (Submissive coffee club) on Tumblr. First it’s a really good place to read the thoughts of other submissives, and secondly it provides prompts on what you might want to write about (and include on the site if you want to)
This is the latest set of prompts which are published on Tuesdays and Fridays.
Prompt Set #115
– Has your everyday language been altered by your lifestyle language?
It depends who I am talking to. Of course, in my relationship with Master, as apposed to previous relationships it offers the opportunity to discuss a wider range of topics. Plus it means that there is always an undercurrent to the most vanilla conversations. My everyday language with the people I am in contact hasn’t really changed, but perhaps the way I think through what I am going to say has. There have been times when there has almost been a slip of the tongue and I am sure that will always be the case.
I have come to enjoy the freedom of chatting with Master and with the few other kinky people I know in real life.
– Do you use non-verbal forms of communication in your dynamic?
Non verbals are important for us, I would say. He and I have not discussed this, but for me in the main it is about seeking His reassurance that I am conducting myself in the right way, or am doing things in the way He wants. Also we exchange a look when we know that someone is trying to get me to take the lead in something that I neither want or can do. For example in restaurants. No amount of speaking to me rather than Him will make me choose the wine or even most of the meals. Finally, we do lots of people watching and often the glances that pass between us are to do with that particular fun pastime.
– Has your lifestyle language cause any bloopers in your everyday life?
The most likely thing, which hasn’t happened yet is that I refer to Him as Master when discussing Him with someone who has no idea. It hasn’t happened, but I have come close.
“Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.“ -Edgar Allan Poe

The plug

Master has bought this girl two NJOY butt plugs – smallish and largish. Of all of the rules that appear in this girl’s contract, wearing the plug as required might be the thing she complies with the least. This is not because she wishes to be disrespectful or disobedient, but because if the context within which this rule was introduced and the sheer speed with which this girl’s life progresses.

When the contract was agreed, this girl was part of a three way polyamourous relationship in which she was a minor player. The primary slave was experiencing problems in her ability to trust Master in His relationship with this girl and in coping with their own long distance relationship. At times this girl struggled with the ending of her own marriage, the imminent death of her father and then being part of a polyamourous relationship.

Fast forward a year or so and the situation is different.

This girl’s marriage is over, all but the divorce. This girl’s dad has passed away and while there are ongoing problems in supporting her mum and the wider family that aspect of life is, in the main, less stressful. The other woman is no long part of Master’s life.

So, that thing – the butt plug – which used to help this girl cope with so many difficult situations – is not required for that reason.

Of course it is useful in keeping this girl’s body ready for Master’s needs. But somehow, that has also become less of an issue.

Last night though, this girl had something of a melt down. Work and mum stress got on top of her. She struggled to work out how she could fit Master’s needs into that scenario and acted out.

Yes, there was brattiness. Yes she wined and moaned.

Master’s response, other than talking her round over Skype was to suggest Instruct her to insert one of her plugs.

This girl has to report that the impact was pretty much instantaneous. The stressy feelings began to recede and she began to see things more clearly.

A side effect however was, that at 3am when this girl got up to go to the toilet, she needed to provide Master with an orgasm – He wasn’t there, but the rule is, that so long as she tells Him afterwards she is allowed to cum in such a situation.

Damn it, He is right. That plug is beyond useful and needs to be worn much more.

TMI Tuesday – Deep thoughts

1. What three things do you expect from a relationship with a lover/spouse?
Honesty, a willingness to want to be open and prepared to share both good and bad and desire.
2. What three things do you expect from a relationship with your child?
Our relationship is based on the fact that he can tell me anything and I will cope with the impact, but that telling me lies is really not on. Lately I have to accept he is an adult and is in charge of his own relationships, including that with his dad. Thirdly that he responds to my texts / calls within a couple of days and I will trust that all is well.
3. How do you mend a broken heart?
Time tends to meant most things I have found. That and meeting someone who makes you question why you thought your heart was broken in the first place!
4. What is your favorite therapy (remedial treatment of mental or bodily disorder)?
Walking is a great way to help your brain switch off and to clear your head. Failing that, then sex and just spending time in bed with Master is amazing. Both are equally strenuous of course.
5. Who in your life has an annoying habit? How do you deal with this?
My mum has an annoying habit of ringing at the wrong time. I am getting better at ignoring her calls and ringing her back later. Such as happened at the weekend when I happened to be sucking Master’s cock!!
6. In five words, describe yourself. You cannot use the following words: funny, fun, nice, kind, responsible.
Loving, trusting, happy, talkative, submissive.
Bonus: If in a long time, romantic relationship do you still flirt? How do you flirt with your significant other?
Oh, we flirt alright, but then it’s only been 15 months.
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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!
Happy TMI Tuesday!