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An evening and a night with Master and my inner calm is restored. The stresses of the past few days have gone and all feels good with the world.

Christmas is one of those times of year I both look forward to and am kind of glad when it is over. This year, it was difficult to get into the right frame of mind, for a few reasons. It is only 3 months since we lost dad, I knew that I would have mum with me and that my brothers would be working on and around Christmas. This also is the first year when hubby’s and my separation is almost complete, but still not everyone knows about it. For this reason and for the first time, I sent almost no Christmas cards.

Another difference this year was my son’s plans to spend part of the holiday time with his girlfriend’s family.

My mum is improving, she is becoming more independent and a little less demanding. It is of course early days, but I do feel that progress is happening. There are times when I feel stressed by just being in her presence. This is not a new feeling, but it is made worse by that absence of my dad. He was a calming influence on us both. So the knowledge that Christmas day would just be the three of us and then boxing day would be mostly just mum and me made me feel anxious even before it happened.

In the main, though, it has been fine and between us we have been able to enjoy the time together. I have also found that I can  let go of my son, who at almost 24, it feels is now a proper grown up – he is planning to move in with his girlfriend over the next few months. It is interesting though how cooking a Christmas dinner for 3 is very similar to cooking one for 10 or 12 (other than the quantities of food). There were practical reasons for missing my dad – he would have been there to wash up the pans as we went along and he would have carved the meat. Of course we also missed his presence, his little sayings, the way in which he so enjoyed those family times, enjoyed a drink and just filled the room by being there.

So we have passed the milestone of a Christmas without dad, we have found that a quiet Christmas can be just fine and gradually mum is finding her independence.

It is safe to say that next year will be one of change again for me, hopefully change that brings happiness. Hopefully too I will have Master around to keep me calm and to stop those stressful times getting to me too much.

I enjoyed Christmas, but I am kind of glad it is over.

Your thoughts are always welcome

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