I know things have been pretty quiet around here lately. Somehow, the combination of work, caring responsibilities and spending time with Master have meant that I have had less time to blog. Usually, the construction of my posts are either planned out in my head for several hours or even days, or else are bashed out quickly. Sometimes though, it is difficult to find the headspace and equally hard to find spare time to actually type, proof read and post. It is not that I have a shortage of topics, so perhaps now is the time to stop the excuses and just write?
The main thing I am trying to get in my life, is a sense that it is under some kind of balance and control.
Control maybe seems a strange word to use, when I am Master’s slave. But actually it probably is a very good word. I am not in a position to hand over complete control to another person, supposing that person wanted such a thing. He doesn’t. But that doesn’t mean I need to take complete control in all aspects of my life.
In the past I would have sought to manage everything about my mum’s recent illness. In fact, doing that this time would have been more than any human could cope with. She was ill, but she was very demanding; often failing to recognise when it was appropriate to ring hourly and when it wasn’t. At the same time there was information to try to gain from the medical staff, shopping to buy to make her life more comfortable and things to manage at her house. My brothers made it clear that I wasn’t expected to cope with everything and I had the added support from Master, who kept reminding me that I needed time for myself and time to spend with him.
Then there is the ongoing relationship with soon to be ex-hubby. I put the final break-up on hold while coping with my dad’s death and it’s aftermath. But now I am ready to move on and am struggling to get him to agree to what needs to be done. This is despite the fact we see little of each other and that we no longer live as man and wife in any way. Thank goodness for Master’s advice and support and for his thoughts on how I should manage individual problems and situations.
For the first time in my adult life I am learning how to not only consult properly with a partner, but realising that I can strike a balance. When I need to make decisions, I can do so with help and support, full in the knowledge that I am not a weak person for doing so. What is more, giving up complete control when I am with Master, allows me to be strong enough to be the person I need to be when I am not with him.
He is not always there, but somehow his influence always is.