Being His girl

If anyone had told me 9 months ago that I would again be anyone’s girl I would have laughed in their faces. Me, a 50 something year old woman, someone’s girl?

But now, not only do I like being His girl, but I love the fact that is what He calls me all of the time. What is more, I love to be in a place where where we are anonymous and where I can call Him Master, even in a public place.

The power and control He has over me, His girl is often subtle. So much so, that no one else can tell it is there. But right now, it is ever present, even as now from a thousand miles away.

Last night during a text chat on messenger, He told me how pleased He was at the way I have coped with this weekend away with my mum. When He told me I was a good girl, I swelled with pride. I often feel I am unworthy of such praise, but am learning that when He says such a thing He means it. We moved on to talking about a planned night out I have with a friend later in the week. I expressed that I thought  I should cancel as I will probably be tired. He told me that he felt I should go, that I need such an outlet. He feels I need to see people and do things outside of my relationship with Him. Of course He is right and while He wasn’t saying I must go, the implication was just that.

That conversation had me thinking about what I have given up to Him – willingly I might add. I still make decisions, still go about my life in the same way. But at last I have someone who I am happy to have the last word. That is a big thing for me – I have a reputation for always wanting to have that final word. For wanting to be in charge, wanting to make the decisions in life. But not only do they not know the real me, but actually I am only just discovering who that me is.

This weekend it will be 9 months since our first meeting. It has been an eventful time, one of personal discovery for us both.

But while looking back is something we all like to do, to relieve the good times and avoid a repeat of the bad, looking forward is even better.

So, I look forward to being His girl into the future. That thought makes me feel very good indeed.

TMI Tuesday – 28th October 2014

Let’s Get Serious

tmituesday serious
1. What are you most afraid of?
Probably being alone. But more than that, alone in the knowledge I am a slave with no one to be my Master.
2. Do you believe in life after death?
Not sure I really know. I want to believe, but worry that I will find out that there is no such thing.
3. What is your purpose?
To find happiness in my life. I am well on the way.
4. Where are you going
Anywhere Master has us go. Plus all the places I will go with my friends, places I wouldn’t have found previously. 
There is also the special slave place I go to when I can, and where I hope to inhabit more frequently
5. Do you fear hell? Why or why not?
No. My belief in life after death isn’t religious, therefore doesn’t include hell.
6. Do you feel free?
I am more free now than ever before. But there is more to come.
Bonus: Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don’t point to their crotch when asking where is the bathroom?
How would I know, people are inhibited I guess!
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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

My relationship with my mum

It is 4 weeks today since my dad passed away. In many ways it has been too busy to allow the grieving process to progress in perhaps the way it should. Other than on the day of the funeral, I have not cried. I am not sure that this in itself is a problem. But, I know I am definitely feeling a bit more vulnerable and my mood swings a little more than usual. We all feel the loss of my dad keenly, and no one more so than my mum. But I find myself irritated by her and by her inability to see anyone else’s suffering.

We have always had a difficult relationship. She always put it down to the fact that our birthdays fall within a day of each other and that they are August (Leo) birthdays. I have always wondered however if she has just borne a grudge for the fact that she spent her 23rd birthday in labour! There have been times when she and I have struggled to communicate, to even be pleasant with each other. We have never had that close, almost sisters bond others seem to have. My grandmother, her mother, told me she was a selfish woman. Perhaps she is.

There were times during my dad’s illness when she seemed angry that he was the one who was ill. perhaps she always believed she would be first to go. In the weeks before his death she almost seemed to avoid him, my brothers and I discussed and wondered at this. At the end though, she was there every step and it was her who was holding his hand as he passed away.

So this weekend we have had the kind break that in the past she would have loved – just the two of us. A few years ago we would have been found drinking in the local bars, perhaps flirting a little. But we never had that kind of relationship. Now, sadly, not only is she newly bereaved but she is also a shadow of the fun loving person she once was. She struggles to get around (a legacy of a couple of strokes and years of smoking), and she seems unable to enjoy the simplest thing. I don’t think that the latter is as much to do with her bereavement as perhaps a sadness as to who and what she has become.

The trouble is that it is not just me who sees this side to her. I worry that once the rawness of grief subsides people will see her as a miserable (not all that old) woman. That she will be lonely because she struggles to relate to people and snaps. I worry that I will be one of those daughters who visits out of duty, rather than because I want to.

For the most part, this weekend has been fine. She has wanted to do little and mainly this has suited me. I thought she would have talked about dad more, wanted to laugh more about good times. But that hasn’t been the case.

However, yesterday when we were out for a drive in the french countryside she told me about some of the adventures she and dad had when they were ‘lost in France’ and how, often they had found themselves on narrow tracks and once a farmers field. Perhaps dad was with us, because shortly afterwards, following a diversion sign we ended up on a small, bumpy, potholed track which might have led to a farmers field, but luckily ended up back on the main road.

A different weekend

A post, revisiting some of the 30 days of submission, by little at willing slut had me thinking. In this post she reviews her need for structure and rules against what she wrote in 2012. I have already revisited this question in the context of my current relationship and like her things have changed. I have a need for the rules within which I have agreed to live – I have a contract now and for me that means something.

We don’t live together 24/7 and are unlikely to do so in the future, for a number of reasons all of which relate to our own needs; that we both need or own space. He has lived alone for a long time and I need to learn to do so soon. But we do spend quite a bit of time together, usually at the weekend. We also have contact during the week, often by Skype. This weekend is different.

This weekend He is spending time with His daughter and I am spending my time with my mum. I have brought us both to France. We have been through a difficult few months and we both need some time away. It is sunnier and warmer here than at home. Plus I have some things to do at the apartment, preparation for the winter and for next year too. Being away with a person who at the moment needs assistance, guidance and care is challenging. Being the one who needs to take charge is kind of weird. Add to that the need at times for me to remind her that she can do things and that I am not going to just let her sit indoors doing nothing. Since my son is grown up, I don’t regularly need to do this kind of thing any more and doing it feels out of my comfort zone.

Generally I feel His control all of the time. When we are together of course – He makes the decisions, though offers me choices. I don’t even always choose my own food when we eat out, let alone where we go. When I am on my own, I consider what He might think of my choices around the time I make them. Sometimes I consult with Him and He ‘advises’. Here though, I don’t feel it so easily.

Yesterday was tiring and stressful. I managed 2 carry on bags and a mother hanging on my arm through an airport, onto a plane, off a plane, at the car hire and into the apartment here (up 2 flights of stairs). I tried to be mindful of her needs at all time, and not to snap. Her needs were paramount and that was at times hard (I am balancing what she thinks she wants and what she probably needs). I need to be more assertive and controlling with her. It gives little time for my needs and for wondering if I am doing things in the way He would want. Or does it? Maybe, He would have been pleased with the way I did things. Maybe this whole thing is on a more subconscious level these days?

Our only conversation yesterday was by text. Today will likely be the same, but that feels fine. He has  things to do and so do I. There will be plenty of time to be together in the future and actually I have His control despite us being apart.

Dirty weekend 3 – no underwear

Very early in our relationship, Master informed this girl that she would rarely need to wear underwear when with Him. During the summer we agreed a contract and it was decreed that this girl would need to ask if she wished to wear underwear when together. Over recent weeks time together has been limited and this girl often didn’t even ask, let alone be challenged over what she had on under her clothes.

There was no question that for this weekend, this girl would not only arrive on Friday without bra and panties, but what is more, she wouldn’t even have bothered to pack any.

It is interesting when this girl chats to girlfriends these days. Often they think that she would be spending her life in lingerie shops buying sexy panties, perhaps a suspender belt and stockings for her time with her new Man. But this Master prefers His girl naked underneath her clothes and frankly she is only too pleased.

However, perhaps the instruction for inserting the ben wa balls is better carried out when wearing some kind of undergarment (as our ancestors would have called them). Unless of course you dont want to wonder half the weekend if the one that you didn’t see fall out isn’t lost somewhere in your nether regions. But then, there always has to be some kind of mini crisis doesn’t there?

The reasonable weather and the fact that we were going to be attending cultural events (a show and a concert), lent themselves to this girl deciding against trousers. While Master doesn’t instruct this girl about what she should wear, she is pretty sure that the right choice was made from His point of view. Especially given that this was meant to be a ‘dirty weekend’ and as such Master spent quite a bit of time surreptitiously letting His hands wander to this girl’s thighs and often to touch her (continuously) damp pussy.

For this girl, wandering around wearing just 3 items (a dress and 2 shoes) for a prolonged period of time makes her feel highly exposed. The lack of panties is probably less of an issue as the absence of a bra to lift up her 52 year old tits. No underwear though, means that she is fulfilling her submissive role. It means that she is keeping to the contract, that she is being Master’s slave, His pleasing bitch.

Always ready for His pleasure.

No underwear is liberating. It reminds this girl of who she is and who owns her. Who is in control.

Friday – Dirty weekend 2

Sometimes a girl has such a good time that she needs to write a series of posts. The title of this one is dirty weekend. For the first in this series you need to look here.

This girl arrived at Master’s just before 7, slightly stressed – this was because the bag she thought she would take with her for the weekend couldn’t be found and because her busy day had slightly caught up with her. 
Dinner was a thai takeaway; Pleasant if with a slightly overpowering sense of ginger and chilli. The wine was good though and it felt good to catch up on events (including the munch girl hasn’t yet written about). A little later, Master asked “what would girl like to do now”? Like girl had any choice in the matter!
Master thought it would be good if his girl got into her collar and breast harness, both of which require His assistance. What is it about that collar and anything this girl wears with it? Straight into some kind of submissive space is the answer.
The leather collar is both comfortable and restrictive. He tightened it more than usual, but to be frank, it felt right. Coupled with the harness, but otherwise naked. This girl was immediately her Master’s slut, His pleasing bitch.
Make no mistake this is all about His power. He loves to see the look in His girl’s eyes. The one that says, “I’m yours, take me and do with me as you will”. She of course loves to be reminded that she is His slave.
Trouble is, this girl has recently found that once she relaxes in this slutty, submissive way, she begins to feel sleepy. Tonight was no exception and contrary to what you might think, it is perfectly possible to drop off to sleep half naked as described while drinking beer and watching a film.
Still, with a whole weekend ahead of us, there was no need to worry. Master and His pleasing bitch have a great weekend to look forward to.

Master’s good girl – Dirty weekend 1

Three nights and almost four days together, what a treat. Time to cover the full range of what you might expect to happen within an M/s relationship. Enough time for a girl to be described as and marked as “good girl”.

If anyone had told me a year ago, that being described in that way would make my juices flow and make me go weak at the knees, I would have laughed in their face.

But this weekend Master marked his girl as such, and what is more, she is seriously contemplating a tattoo above her pubic line, saying just that.

In the last two sentences I flipped from first to third person – this was a theme for me this weekend.  Increasingly though, I refer to myself as girl or this girl and to Master in the way He likes.

What is great about a great weekend away with a wonderful Man, doing lots of great things (kinky, vanilla or whatever), is that it can give plenty of blog material. I have that for this week.

I (this girl) has been Master’s good girl this weekend. What is more, I (she) has lots to share. Watch this space.

This summer

I think that in the future, when I look back on the summer that has just past, I will see that it was an important and special time. Both in terms of the time spent with my parents, knowing that the autumn would bring the changes it has and also my relationship with Master.

Master and I have had some incredible fun over the summer. This started shortly after He returned from His trip to the US in June with a day out at a country estate where He took this, and a number of other photos.
Being a weekday, before the school holiday’s started, it wasn’t too busy and so there were opportunities to be a little naughty. To let Him see a bit more of His property than is usual in a public place. 
Over the summer too, we have travelled to Lisbon, France and Amsterdam together. We have been to the cinema, to the theatre, to galleries and have eaten many meals together. Indeed there has barely been a weekend, and some weekdays since June that we have been apart. Over the summer too, the sexual and kinky side of our relationship developed. Then of course there has been the realisation that we are Master and slave.
I make no excuses for this period of reflection. The events of the past few weeks have made me want to review my life and my relationships. The loss of a parent feels an important time, but also the changing of the seasons has a little of that effect too. 
Master and I were speaking last night about the post I wrote this week about sharing which can be found here. When I look back on this summer, I know that my attempt to do just that, caused me more upset, stress and heartache than was good for me. I made the assumption when He returned from His trip, that I needed to develop a kind of sister slave relationship and set about doing so. I approached this in my usual, open and honest way and assumed that the other party would do the same. My main error was to allow that person access to my blog, and to expect her to be able to read it and to accept what I had written without question. Instead I found my every word challenged and my assumptions about my own relationship called into question.
My blog has always been a place where I can write freely and openly about myself and my life. Suddenly this wasn’t possible. Instead my words became superficial and indeed whole events passed by without mention. 
This summer has been special. My first with Master and my last with my dad. I have memories, photographs and I want to have words. This new blog, will I hope give back the words I seemed to have lost. 

A few changes to the blog

When I moved here, I knew that I wanted to structure things a little differently to before. Today, I have begun that process by merging some of the pages and by creating a new one, which will be about Master and I. This will help plot our journey so far and then how it continues. I want to be able to talk a little about how I feel our roles as Master and slave are developing and the way in which that manifests itself.

I feel I want to do this as at the start of my submissive blog experience it was useful to chart the journey and my feelings about that. Along the way somewhere that got lost. Rather than charting a particular day, or experience it will be about examining the bigger picture; how we got to a certain place in our lives or how we have overcome challenges.

In my day to day blogging too, I intend to explore much more of my submissive feelings, my kinks and set them in the context of His expectations of me. This will include the ways in which He is pushing my boundaries, to help me become the slave He wants.

I feel that I am embarking on a new part to my life, no doubt it will be just as challenging as what has gone before. But it should be exciting and hopefully enjoyable.

Downtime

This weekend has been quieter than any I can remember in a long time. Between Friday evening and Sunday lunchtime there was no rushing about, no worrying about other people. The time spent was just us, Master and his girl. Time spent watching tv, browsing the internet separately and together, time eating and drinking together. We went out for lunch on Saturday lunchtime, but otherwise were home. Sadly, tiredness overcame me on both evenings and I slept while He watched TV.

Late last night though Master woke me to watch some porn with him. I had been sleeping once again in my wide leather collar, and this time my spanking skirt too. I struggled to wake up, but after a short time was feeling aroused by the online film He was watching. He suggested that we should do more of that, and I am sure we will.

Mornings are a special time for us. Often I wake first, and this morning was no exception. I always know when He is awake and ready for me, as He tends to move my hand onto His cock. I love to feel Him growing within my hands and then for Him to push Himself inside his girl’s slutty hole. After He had used me for a while, I cleaned His cock of my juices and then mounted Him. I know that others don’t find riding their Master a particularly submissive thing to do, but I find that it puts me deeper into subspace and that it makes me feel more submissive than in some other positions. It also gives a chance to use my clit piercing to best advantage for me, to allow His cock to rub along the piercing and then slide back inside me. He loves this feeling too, or I guess it wouldn’t happen in that way.

Master loves His girl to talk to Him in a dirty way, and this morning we discussed the way the girl on the porn film had spoken and how that turned Him on. We also talked about my piercings and what He plans for me as a greater sign of my submission to Him. The thought of the labia piercings; something I wouldn’t have considered a few months ago, excite me. I am sure that we will get those done, once we find the right person to do them for us.

Next weekend we will be away from both our homes together. We are staying in a hotel with a show and concerts arranged. The times when the outside world can be kept at bay are important and special. They give time for Master and His girl to be the people they want to be, in the way they want to be. For this girl, it gives the chance to serve and be Master’s slave. His pleasing bitch. She loves it!