A release

Just before 8am yesterday morning, dad was released from the pain and suffering he has endured these last few weeks. It was sad to see him take those last few breaths, but it had been worse to watch him become a shell of the man I knew.

Gradually over the weekend, he had lost the ability to swallow and stopped responding to our words and touch. He lay in his bed, in the living room, a presence, but someone you felt was not really there. Over night on Sunday, his breathing had seemed even, though at times a little laboured, but at 7 when I began to get ready for a day’s work, he seemed stable. I truly believed at that time, he would last at least till evening. At around 7.50am, I sensed a change in his breathing (we had rigged a baby monitor into my room) and I ran down. He was taking just the occasional breath. I called mum and she came and sat with him, holding his hand and speaking gently to him as he passed away.

No one wants to lose someone close, much less a parent. As one of my brothers said yesterday afternoon – I never thought this day would come. But come it has and when it did it was a release for him and for all of us.

Interlude

Over the past week or so I have juggled the need to be with my parents and family with work, home and with Master. Essentially I have spent more time here, with them than doing any of the other things. Dad continues to slip slowly away. The distress he felt earlier in the week is now hidden inside him as his grip on the outside world fades. On Friday, when my niece was here, he definitely nodded and shook his head to some of the things she was saying. But last evening when I was telling him about how my football team had managed to equalise against his, there was no response. His breathing is laboured, and he seems unable to swallow. I guess it won’t be long.

Luckily, my two brothers have been taking their share of responsibility and late on Friday night I escaped to Master’s. I was probably too tired to be much in the way of company and essentially drank some wine, had a bit of a chat and then slept through what seemed like a really great film that I will have to see again. Yesterday morning though, I was able to relax and respond to His masterful ways.

Have I taken the time on here to tell the world how wonderful a clitoral hood piercing can be for the enjoyment of both parties. He says that He loves the feeling on His cock as it rubs over it and I love that feeling too (obviously in a slightly different way). Plus for being on top of Him, and He playing with the metal while I move on Him, well all I can say is the words ‘girl can cum at will’ are gratefully heard. We have been exploring the depth of my submission and the extent to which He can bring me to orgasm to control what I do and say, while I am on top of Him. Gradually over the weeks, this has led me to some new levels of arousal, submission and yes, ecstasy. Gradually I have become better able to talk through my feelings, to express my submission to Him, at the same time as being in  subspace. That woozy feeling has taken on a new feeling. I have learned to completely relax, and to allow my mind to completely empty. He likes to ask a series of questions about who owns me and who I am. During those moments I often can just say that I am Master’s. He loves that feeling of total control and I love the feeling of total submission.

Yesterday morning, this whole process was the most amazing way to escape from the pressures of my life as it is right now and to give myself completely to Him. To be able to go from Julie the daughter and sister, providing that supporting and caring role to the pleasing bitch for her Master. To be able to sit on top of him, to appear in control and yet to be controlled in every way. To be able to submit, to be His slave.

Afterwards we lay curled up together, completely relaxed. I realised that I felt no need to move any part of my body but instead was happy to just be. This is progress for someone as fidgety and restless as I sometimes am and as stressed as I often feel right now.

Sadly the interlude couldn’t last. I had to go off home and do a few household chores and to see my son before heading back over here to spend the night supporting my parents. Over night, listening to dad’s breathing while lying awake in the spare room I was grateful to have those lovely thoughts to return to and to know that there will be plenty more times like that to look forward to.

The unknown

As a family we are now at the point where we don’t know how long dad has left. He has been in bed for 9 days, firstly upstairs in the bed he shared with mum and since Thursday downstairs. We didn’t expect things to take the turn they did as quickly as they did. The night before he took to bed, he had been for a meal out with my brother. That day he had pottered around his garden. Now his world has shrunk to one room.

At times, he is animated, happy to engage in the world around him. That happened today when my niece visited with his great grandson. But mostly he sleeps. Getting him to drink is difficult, to eat, impossible.

Mostly those present are family. We combine our caring roles and discussing the difficulties we face with normal life activities and discussion. We try to reassure mum that she is doing well. At times between us we complain at the way she struggles to cope. But really this is a defence mechanism for us all. Tonight she confessed she doesn’t know how to use the dishwasher; that was always dad’s job. No wonder she has rushed to wash every plate and cup as it became used.

We don’t know how long dad has left. We know it isn’t long, but how long we just don’t know. We are now living day to day. Trying to explain to outsiders that life is on hold. Meanwhile work continues, life continues. As a nurse, I know that every death is different, that we are dealing with the unknown.

Knowing that he suffers. That he is sad that he is experiencing the end of his life, I wonder if it is bad that I hope that he gets what he needs soon. Trouble is, that for us the pain is just beginning.

What to wear?

This girl has never possessed much in the way of festish / kink wear. S had a liking for stockings, suspenders and heels, but generally they were something you could find on any high street.

Master has spoken for some time about the kind of ‘clothes’ He would like to see this girl wear. He is keen for us to attend a suitable party / event soon and to do that, girl needs to be dressed right.

On this girl’s birthday she was presented with a breast binding harness. This gives girl just a little support for her 50 year old breasts, which means they sit proud. She really likes the effect it has on them and her upper body.

Then a few weeks ago, when we arrived at our hotel in Amsterdam (a lovely weekend away by the way), Master gave this girl two new presents. One was a beautiful collar made of soft leather. It is wide enough that this girl needs to keep her head up when wearing it. But comfortable enough that it could be worn for an evening. The second present was a spanking skirt, also made of leather. Master had spoken of girl wearing such a thing, so it had been in His mind for some time. The skirt feels lovely to wear, looking decent from the front but leaving nothing to the imagination from the back. That afternoon, this girl wore those two items and found herself slipping, with no effort into subspace. Master was thrilled with the effect.

Since then, this girl has dressed for Master in this way just once, but what she can say is that they made her feel completely sexy, horny and proudly the slut he so loves. They are easier to stand, lie down or to kneel in than to sit – maybe that says something about their purpose. Master photographed this girl dressed in this way and has posted a photo of the rear view on His blog. This girl has to admit she is really very pleased with the effect (He has a front view photo too, for His own collection).

As someone who used to feel self conscious in normal lingerie, it is an amazing thing that this girl would consider leaving the house wearing this kind of gear. But to be honest she is pretty excited at the prospect. This girl is not only a pleasing bitch for Master, but a very kinky one too!

Looking back, looking forward

This is the first time this girl has written a blog post while Master is in the room. He is sitting at the other end of the sofa, using His tablet, while this girl types. The times we spend together at the weekends are precious and at the moment this girl is having to share that time with her family.

This girl’s dad continues to deteriorate and is now pretty much permanently in bed. Thankfully a hospital bed has been loaned and nurses are visiting twice daily. Mum is beginning to learn how to cope with the situation, but only with a great deal of support from all of the family. What she does though is to phone whenever she has a problem, perceived or real, or if she has something to say. This morning, while Master and girl were in bed together, she phoned twice. Predominantly this was about the vacuum cleaner she needs and which girl has promised to obtain today.

This morning also, we have been talking about those first few times we met and played. The excitement of a new relationship, the thrill of new experiences. Submitting so quickly to His Dominance. Looking back to the posts this girl wrote at that time, she is amazed at the speed at which all of this happened. Even before a discussion about becoming Master’s submissive, girl had given over control of her orgasms, her body and then her  name. At the time, this girl and indeed Master believed it would be possible to have a relationship that was time limited, and which would easily end when they decided that this should happen. It would be safe to say that neither realised quite how things would turn out.

Over the months, this girl’s submission has grown and developed. At the same time, the power and control Master has over His girl has also grown and developed. Together they have explored and embraced the feelings, the emotions that go with the more physical side of that relationship. This morning we discussed limits. This girl admitted that she no longer feels that she owns her own limits, instead they belong to Him, to Master. He has not demanded that this be so. Indeed in our contract, He just asks that He be allowed to push them. For this girl though, the desire to submit is so great, the need to feel his power is such that she no longer wishes to have that kind of control over herself. Instead she trusts. She knows that He knows what is best for her and that in pushing her, He will also keep her safe from harm.

This girl has some difficult days ahead. But she has a Master with whom she can discuss those difficulties and who she knows will provide the care and support she needs. He will also take what He needs. The sex and the pain are vital parts of our relationship. There are intense moments of lust and passion, times when pain gives intense arousal and even for the first time an orgasm driven by that pain. But what drives us forward and what makes us know this has future is the way in which the slave / Master dynamic continues to develop, Each week we feel this to a greater extent. This girl wouldn’t have believed this could be the case, but it definitely is.

The past is important and special to us, we have formed memories which we can talk about and through this blog it is possible to remember thoughts and feelings. We don’t know what the future will bring, but this girl embraces what ever Master has in mind for her.

photo from Ervodou

The complexities of moving a blog and other things

Moving the posts from one blog to another was easy, I was able to copy everything across. The difficulty comes with links to other posts within the original blog and comments.

Comments are easy to deal with, they relate to the time when you wrote the post. What is more, I am not sure right now, how much of the blog I will keep in the long term. After all, there will come a point, pretty soon when I want to look forwards and not backwards.

Having written what I just did, well perhaps links don’t matter either. But before I delete world of joolz I will check for any posts I wish to keep.

New to this blog is a specific link to our tumblr blogs. If I were you, I would take a look at Master’s blog. There are a couple of pictures there which are me, his girl, MPB. I wouldn’t be surprised if more don’t appear. That Man loves to get His phone / camera out at some interesting moments.

There is more maintenance to be done done to this blog – I have linked to anyone who I know who has blogged lately, and have told as many people as I can. But if I have missed you off please let me know.

In the coming days I will have more to say about what is going on in my world, sadly it isn’t all good.

New blog, fresh start

This is the first post on a fresh new blog. There is lots to be done here yet before this girl has it as she wants, so please bear with her.

This blog, while it currently contains all the past blogs of this girl’s journey’s is meant to be a new start. Of course, since this is not the beginning of the journey, it is right that the history remains; at least for now.
For several months now, this girl has struggled to express herself freely. This was because she feared that another person could be hurt if she did so. To begin with it was because that person had found the place accidentally and then because this girl had helped that person by reminding her of where the blog could be found. It soon became clear that this was a big mistake. Over the coming weeks, this girl may be able to say more about that situation, or maybe since this is a fresh start, not.
The relationship this girl has with her Master is developing and deepening. This girl’s submission has shifted somewhat over the months. This girl is discovering what it means to be a slave to her Master. How it feels to have given up control completely when we are together and how even when we are apart his influence pervades all of her life. This girl has her own responsibilities to work and to her family, areas of her life where she doesn’t necessarily want or indeed need to consult or defer to Him. However still the words of our contract, the knowledge of how Master wishes her to behave, to be pervade all. Others have been speaking of their lives as slaves and how this affects them, this is something this girl intends to return to very soon. While this is not a 24/7 relationship, we are not living together and maybe never will, this girl takes her responsibilities very seriously as does her Master.
Equally we have been discussing symbols of ownership and what they should be. Wearing something visible will be a big step for this girl. She has plans to talk some of that through here. 
Over the coming days, this girl will be inviting those she knows were readers of the other blog to join her here. She hopes they will come along. While this girl writes in the main for herself and her Master, she values the thoughts and contributions of others. Indeed some of those who visit, are now considered as friends, perhaps this circle will grow.
Finally the name of the blog – well this is the name, Master has decided belongs to His girl. She is now His MPB. His pleasing bitch. Who knew a girl would be so proud of being called such a thing. But she truly is. Joolz was the name this girl gave herself at the start of her journey, but it is no longer relevant. To those who know her in real life she is Julie, for purposes of comments in future she will be Julie. To you who visit and read she can be Julie, or she can be MPB. It is up to you.

Questions

I found a new blogger via Abby, today. Ok so I am late to Han Van Meegeren’s party, but better late than never.

These questions have appeared on his site, and been answered by Abby and others. Here goes:

  • Kissed a girl? Once, in a kissing a girl sense. Lots of times in a kissing your friends and family kind of way
  • Kissed a boy? Oh yes
  • Had sex in public? In a place that is public, but not in public.
  • What’s your religion? Officially Church of England, but I like the spirituality side of things and the music rather than religion itself.
  • What does your URL mean? Joolz was a name I was given when I was younger, and when thinking about this blog and a new kind of lifestyle it seemed right. Now though, I am not sure it quite fits. But it is what my blog is called.
  • Reason you joined blogland? I have blogged for years. Firstly about work and life generally and then here. My blogs have always been about me being able to express myself. A way of recording my thoughts and feelings. 
  • Do you have any nicknames? Jools / Joolz when younger and recently to some people. Master calls me girl (is that a nickname, or just His name for me?)
  • Do you like bubble bath? Yes, very much. I don’t have a bath often these days, as a shower is quick and convenient. Now a bubble bath is a luxury!
  • Kissed in the rain? Oh yes
  • Dyed your hair? I have been doing just that while writing this. A good point to go wash it off!


So, several hours have gone by and on with the questions:

  • Soup of salad? Soup in winter, preferably home made, the rest of the time, salad
  • Vegetable or meat? I love vegetables, but couldn’t give up meat…
  • Go out drinking? Mainly when having dinner, but since I met Master, I have been out to more bars and pubs than for a long time.
  • Smoke cigarettes? Never
  • Smoke weed? I have lived a sheltered life
  • Do any hard drugs? I am no good with prescription drugs so I doubt I could handle anything recreational
  • Have you had sex today? No, sadly…..
  • Have you ever fallen asleep in someone’s arms? Yes, quite a few times lately.
  • The relationship between you and the person you last texted? He is my Master.
  • Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? Yes, actually they have. 
  • Skipped homework to play a video game? Occasionally….
  • Tried to commit suicide? No 
  • The last time you felt broken? Last year, July….
  • Had to lie to EVERYONE abut how you felt? Yes, last July…
  • Do you have a boyfriend / girlfriend? Boy….well more a man to be frank…..
  • Do you have long hair or short? Shorter than it was, and I like it.
  • First thing you notice in a girl? Her sense of dress
  • Do you sing in the shower? Sometimes, but Master would win on that one!
  • Do you dance in the car? Only when alone
  • Where were you yesterday? Woke up with Master, spent the afternoon with my parents and slept alone at home.
  • Ever used a bow and arrow? Tried once when a child, I was rubbish!
  • Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Probably at one of my brothers’ weddings. Does that count. If wedding photos don’t count then when I was at school!
  • Do you think musicals are cheesy? No, and I saw one on Saturday which was fantastic – Guys and Dolls!
  • Is Christmas stressful? Yes when my mother is involved!
  • Favourite type of fruit pie? Apple
  • Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? A nurse and I became one.
  • Do you believe in ghosts? Kind of
  • Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Yes, definitely.
  • Take a vitamin daily? No time for that kind of thing. Fresh fruit, veg etc is better.
  • Wear slippers? In winter. Otherwise bare feet.
  • Wear a bath robe? Sometimes.
  • What do you wear to bed? Nothing.
  • Do you want to get married? Still legally married and no thanks, never again.
  • Can you curl your tongue? Yes
  • How many relationships have you had? Three
  • How can I win your heart? You can’t, I am happy as I am for now.
  • What makes a great relationship? Communication, trust and honesty. That and the ability to laugh and not take yourselves too seriously.
  • Shy or open? Shy with new people and strangers, but extroverted with people I know. Having said that, very few know the real me.
  • Religious or non-religious? I am not religious.

Sad

As a nurse I have watched the dying process and I have been with people when they have died. I have cared for people afterwards, washed them, prepared them for their loved ones. I have spent time with those loved ones at all parts of the process. As a nurse, I have cared for people for many weeks, from the time they knew they would die, until the end. What I am realising is, that I was less prepared for the long process of dying than I knew. Especially when that person is your own parent.

I have always been closer to my dad than my mum. She and I have a love hate relationship. I guess we are too similar to really like each other, much as we really do love and care. With dad though, I am the only daughter, and we have spent more time than I can say in discussion. Chatting, analysing and generally putting the world to rights. He has always been there to advise, to support. He has been a tower of strength through some hard times. Suddenly those roles seem to be reversed. Much as I have managed this transition, the complete role reversal is almost too much to bear.
Since last Christmas, we have pretty much known that this is the year that will be his last. The deterioration has been gradual, though at times there have been major problems which made me wonder if things would be more sudden. Instead this process is painful and it is slow. Day by day, week by week, I have watched him waste away. The big, strong man can now barely lift a light bag of shopping. His disease is bit by bit removing his strength, his mobility, his ability to get through each day. 
I know he hates the person he has become. I know that he sees what I do, that he looks much older now than he is.
He can still hold a good conversation, but gradually he is losing interest in the things that were special to him. He looks around him and knows that time is short, therefore why bother with football and cricket (previous passions), especially when the teams he follows don’t appear to even try to win. In the past we discussed current affairs, politics; all of that seems less important now. He lives day to day, week to week. He knows the end is near, but not how near it is.

The only thing we can do now is to visit to help out. To encourage the grandchildren to visit. They have a baby great grandson who is a source of joy. Visits tire him, but at the same time make the struggle worthwhile.

Today I had a conversation with his hospice nurse. Suddenly, during that conversation, I realised. I was not discussing a patient. I was discussing my dad. On Monday I am meeting her at their house, to begin to discuss how we make his death the best it can be. The next few weeks will be hard. 
I am really sad right now.

TMI Tuesday – Love, Life and Lessons


1. Are you happy with your job? Why or Why not?
This is a job that suits my needs now – I have the hours, pay and job satisfaction I need. I no longer worry about my career because I have a different balance to life.
2. What do you want?
Once I don’t need to work, I won’t. There is more to life for me now.
3. Who first broke your heart?
Hubby broke my heart early in our marriage. I regret not dealing with that sooner, but we are where we are and I am happy with what life offers for now.
4. What is the biggest mistake you’ve made in a relationship?
Not dealing with problems at the time. That and going back.
5. What did you learn from you last lover/ex-significant other?
That when S told me that I would find what I was looking for, he actually knew what he was talking about. That and finding out that his eternal search for his soulmate would be so difficult for him. I was never she, and knew it all the time in reality.
6. What novel has been instrumental in shaping your views at any point in your life? Why?

Not sure my life has been shaped by books, but more that I have read different types of books at different times. Books about nursing in my teens, books about life, love. Latterly a mix of crime, drama and literary classics. Don’t ever ask my favourite – I only remember the story for a short time!

7. Tell us about a favorite TV broadcast show you currently enjoy? Give us a synopsis of the show.

I have no time for tv right now, don’t you know how busy my life is?

Bonus: What is your current favorite song to listen to over and over again?
Keane – A place only we know or Robbie Williams – Angels.