Yesterday during my slight melt down, I asked Master what I should blog about. I have been struggling with topics, particularly as some of the things that do bother me, I don’t feel comfortable with blogging about in detail here. I know that I should be able to use this as a place to freely speak my mind, but even though it is very similar to a journal, it isn’t a private place and I am always mindful of that fact.
I am away for a few days on my own. I say on my own, but actually, although I am here on my own in the apartment, I am really with friends. Last night was a birthday celebration, for someone I have known since I was about 5 years old. She was older, already 13 and as her teenage years progressed she adopted my mum as her ‘big sister’/ ‘surrogate mum’, since, as many of us do, she had relationship problems with her own mum. Mine was younger, with young children. Over the years, I have become closer to her and her own family. Yesterday was her 60th – a young, fun 60. Many friends and family came together and celebrated with her.
I have had great fun. Have chatted, laughed and generally hung out. It has been lovely.
But I have been missing the feeling of control Master has been giving me. Which I think deepened when we were in Lisbon.
Yesterday as I got ready for my night out, my mood dropped and I could easily have just crawled into bed and stayed away from the party. I didn’t and I pulled myself together. Late last night though, Master and I skyped and discussed my slight melt down.
There were factors which played in and which seemed to have affected me. Firstly, in the morning, I skyped with His other slave. Consciously and deliberately I offered this opportunity, since face to face is less likely to be misunderstood than text. Plus the timing suited us both – me at the beginning, she at the end of the day. I came away feeling that we had had a good chat, and we did. But there were a few things that played on my mind all day. A certain sense of trying to get one up on me, which may or may not be the case. Whatever, it played on my mind during the day.
Second, was the constant contact from the man who remains my husband in the legal sense. When I am home, days can go by without any contact at all. Even when he spends an evening at home, little meaningful conversation goes on. But when I am here, especially if alone, he does not leave me alone! Text after text come through, and if I don’t respond then he sends another. Each text I send from France, costs money, so to be frank, I would rather only contact those I wish to and that doesn’t include him.
These two things were sufficient to wind me up enough that I had my mini crisis as I showered and changed for the evening. Add to that the fact I bombarded Master with a good 6 or 7 texts, which were to be frank a little bratty, with no response and you have a girl who needs some guidance and yes, control.
As we sat across France from each other, He told me that He could see I need the control from Him. We talked about how I need to manage those outside influences. We talked about the fact that He doesn’t mind if I bombard Him with texts, so long as I know He isn’t going to respond to my bratty rants. I already knew that at the time mind you.
He asked me who I am and who I belong to – I am this girl and she belongs to Him, Master. When away from Him, they are the two things to keep in mind. Plus, to act in a way that He would want me to.
Today, He wants me to turn off my phone. I plan to do that – to have it with me, but to turn it off while I go about my day – to the local market soon and then to the beach. Tomorrow I leave for home and tomorrow night I can feel His control in person.
Image from For the Love of a Submissive