Not just a label

I have been troubled over the last few days by a comment on a forum which appeared on my Fetlife page this week. It was written by a ‘friend’ who in fact is someone I have met, though not seen in a while and was on a forum where people can ask questions of bottoms / submissives / slaves. This person identifies as a Dominant, something he has reiterated to me on a number of occasions. In his response (to a question about the difference between a bottom and a submissive), he entered into something of a rant about definitions of types of submissive suggesting that in fact they are just a label for the same thing. The person in question states that all a Dominant and submissive in a relationship need is to define for themselves how that relationship should be and then leave it at that.

Ok, so in a way the last bit is fine. It is after all a personal relationship choice. But what if, over a period of time, a person has discovered that actually what she calls herself has become less of a label, a choice even and more a discovery of who she is.

2 years ago, I had recognised the submissive in me, another had recognised that too. That submission was only really allowed to fully emerge during play, but increasingly I became aware of its presence at other times. It has always been there, but I had not really realised it. Even then, I recognised my submission and my partner’s Dominance as more than a label. At around that time, when I first met the Fetlife ‘friend’, he told me he had identified himself as dominant for many years.

Fast forward to today and I am identifying myself as slave. This isn’t because I decided I needed a new label, wanted to in some way choose something new for myself. I identify myself in that way because I and another have discovered that is who I am. Of course, I am not just any slave, I am the slave of another person – Master. The voyage of discovery I have recently been on, has on one hand been enlightening, a positive experience, but at the same time it has been painful. The realisation that I need to serve another, that I need to put myself in their hands, need to be owned, possessed and put
their needs before my own fulfils needs I didn’t know I had. It is also frightening. Giving up control bit by bit, until you no longer have it to own can make you feel like you are falling head first over a cliff. The need to recognise your own behaviours and modify those that the person who owns and controls you seeks to change can feel odd. It can make you do and say things that you know you will regret. But the knowledge deep inside you that this is what you want, what you actually need drives you on.

I have discovered that my need for submission is not about play, about pain, about sex even, (though all of those play a part), but about the way in which I am compelled to give up control of my whole self to Him and for His part He is compelled to take. I know I exist for His pleasure and He knows I will obey Him, I will follow His rules. This exchange of power is what makes this different, it is that which means it is not a game, that I am His slave, not some kind of label.

New focus

It is a couple of weeks since I decided to take a break and a little longer since I posted properly here. I am ready to return, but will be trying to focus on myself, my journey and things that are important to me.  In the few weeks before my break, I had struggled for topics. But also I felt constrained by the knowledge that this is a public place and therefore can be read by anyone. I was finding some aspects of communication with my Master difficult and was also struggling in the relationship His other slave  and I are trying to form.  This was not and still is not the place to do that. This is a place for me to express myself and my feelings, to consider my progress, my journey.

My blogging break when it came was as the result of an event. With my permission (perhaps some would say misguided), I gave permission for Master’s slave  (who from now on I will refer to as k), to read my blog. At the same time I was allowed to read her journal.  Not surprisingly, we both became upset about some of the things we read. After all these are personal accounts and they involve relationships with the same man. What is more, she and I have not actually met yet.

I felt that I should at that point rethink this blog and whether I continued with it in a public place, made it private or indeed closed it all together. Master and I discussed this issue at some length and I came to the decision to take a break and at the same time, create a place for He and I to communicate with each other. This has proved successful, and has meant I can write things I have not been able to articulate into spoken words and allow those thoughts to be discussed between us.

k and I have also spent time trying to get to know each other, to try to avoid the misunderstandings which can occur when you are learning to trust each other as we are. I don’t deny this is an ongoing journey for us both, but I think we are both moving to a different place in terms of our relationship with each other and the trust we need to have.

So, I return to my blog. I will continue to write and I continue to follow this journey.

A short break

I am going to take a short blogging break while I consider the purpose of writing here.

For the past few weeks I have been a bit concerned that I have lost track of the reasons I started this, which was about my own journey to become the person I want and need to be. It is not about specific events or issues but about how I as a person manage and deal with them.

Master and I have discussed this, and I am going to take a new approach, to write in a different private place first. This is so that I can write freely, without worrying that it appears publicly on the web. Once I have cleared my head of some of the issues I need to do that with, then I feel I will be able to return, refocused.

I am still around, still reading, still here……..

Kinks and fetishes

Master has given me the task of blogging about my kinks and fetishes. I have written about all of them in this blog in the past, but this will give me the opportunity to go into much more detail.

There is no doubt that life in the kinky world has moved quickly for me, since my first encounters in April 2012. I was lucky to meet a man who made his fetishes clear to me and then who pushed my boundaries to achieve them. I have to admit the first time he called me a slut, or a whore, I wasn’t sure  I exactly liked it. But what was clear was that being called those names turned me on. So in no particular order:

Humiliation and exhibitionism – I am putting these together, because even though it is not always the case so often they have taken place at the same time. Wearing clothes I wouldn’t usually wear, perhaps without underwear can be both liberating and at the same time humiliating. Being out with Master while wearing  a short and revealing dress turns me on. I love the idea that others might look at me and think me a slut, I am willing to expose myself for Him, and to stand in a way that He can touch me up in a public place. I find it exciting, thrilling and shameful all at the same time. Sometimes though, I have been meeting Him somewhere and for example might have been to buy shoes. I am aware of my body at all times, the fear that i might need to bend over, might trip and my body be seen is scary but exciting. I love to be told how dirty I am, I love also to be made to express myself in words I wouldn’t usually wish to. To use the words whore, slut, cunt in ways that I know turn Him on and in doing so do the same to me. To have those words written on my body and to see them in the mirror as I dress in the morning is also a big turn on. I am not sorry that Master doesn’t have the same fetish for heels and stockings as S did. While I like the feel of the stockings, they are often too short, as I am tall. Of course, I would never have objected if that had been what He had wanted from me.

Being touched, played with, or even having sex out doors, especially in a public place is a big turn on for me. I love the feel of the air on my skin and the risks associated with being discovered doing something that is essentially taboo.

Anal play – I have written here quite a bit about the thrill Anal sex gives me. It feels on the one hand the most intimate thing, the biggest turn on and on the other something shameful (back to the humiliation thing). Increasingly I can orgasm without stimulation elsewhere, while having anal sex. What is more, the very presence of a butt plug, can be calming and settling. It helps put me into the most amazing head space. I have my new, larger plug at home and am very much looking forward to getting to know it much more intimately.

Restraint – I love to be restrained, especially when I have had a lot going on in my life, when I am tense. I love my legs to be restrained in the spreader bar, to have my arms tied (though I am less keen on handcuffs as they can be uncomfortable). If I am also blindfolded and gagged, then all the better. I love the way in which all of those things heighten your senses and make it hard to know what is exactly being done to you and with what toy.

Recently I have discovered that multiple orgasms, forced or otherwise, can have the effect of making me feel as though I am restrained, when I am not. This feeling helps my submission, especially when again I have been somewhat stressed for whatever reason.

Nipple play – My nipples have always been sensitive, but since I had them pierced you can multiply that 10 fold. I love when He plays with them in a public place or gives them a quick squeeze. I love them played with during sex, and I found out last week that it is possible to cum with no stimulation other than having your breast squeezed. I love also to play with  my own nipples and when alone, I do.

Pain – I am something of a pain slut, but not a masochist by any stretch of the imagination. Having said that, the more turned on I am, then the more pain I can tolerate. Especially if Master has taken a reasonably slow approach, perhaps starting with the violet wand and moving up through various paddles, crops and whips. Pain on my cunt, my tits and my legs are as good for me as on my bottom and back though.

Orgasm control, forced orgasms – The most amazing thing ever in my book is the hitachi, to be forced against your will (if indeed it was against my will) to cum multiple times with that wonderful toy is one of the best things. Closely followed by being able to cum just because someone tells you to. Luckily for me, Master likes me to cum and considers it an important thing, that orgasms are released and given to Him. Giving up that control was the first thing I did for Him and it is probably what got me to where I am now.

Cock worship – I am not sure this is a fetish or kink, since doesn’t every woman do this? Maybe not, since I didn’t in the past. The D/s dynamic gives a whole new perspective; He wants you to get down before Him and take Him, you want to, since you love His cock so much. Whatever, I do actually worship His very cock.

Have I missed anything? This might be a post that I need to add to……

What the words we use mean to me

Yesterday during my slight melt down, I asked Master what I should blog about. I have been struggling with topics, particularly as some of the things that do bother me, I don’t feel comfortable with blogging about in detail here. I know that I should be able to use this as a place to freely speak my mind, but even though it is very similar to a journal, it isn’t a private place and I am always mindful of that fact.

This morning Master came back with a suggestion that I blog about the words we use and what they mean to me, thinking about how those meanings have changed. For simplicity of writing style, and no other reason, I am going to write in the first person.
Two and a half years ago I had never given much thought to submission, or to Dominance. I knew very little of the world of BDSM, indeed I had the view that it was predominantly about sex, and kinky sex at that. My life at the time was pretty much free of sex, kinky or otherwise. I felt my life had been one of domestic drudgery. Working hard, essentially doing everything for the family, being there at everyones beck and call. I felt quite unhappy with my lot. I had no understanding that my need to be that person, to serve an other, or indeed others, was part of who I was. I didn’t realise that it was possible to provide service, to submit and in return be cared for and to be protected. I knew I wanted to be looked after, I knew that I needed someone to take more control of my life, but I had a husband, and since he wasn’t such a bad man, I thought that was my lot in life.
A few times in the past 5 or 6 years, I have played online. Until early 2012 though, I had never actually been in a BDSM chat room and encountered the Dominant / submission dynamic. Something drew me there and once it did, I found it felt like home. I began reading all I could online and then bought books which told me more about it. I met S almost simultaneously. There was never a question in my mind that I was submissive and the more I read, the more we chatted, the greater the pull was. The sex offered by S was kinky, and I was as keen to explore that part of me as he was. It was part of the BDSM ‘thing’ as far as I could see then; the submission came alongside.
Fast forward to now and I recognise that within a relationship sex is very important. For me now, kinky sex is what I need, not to say that any sex isn’t something I love. It is. But what I know now is that submission isn’t about sex per say. Submission is something deeply held. A feeling, a need, a desire. It is what makes me feel like a whole person. It isn’t about kneeling, about physical restraint, it isn’t about calling my Dominant by a particular name. It is just who I am. 
It never crossed my mind until recently that I might even identify with slave rather than submissive. I am still not certain, why I increasingly believe that to be the case. In the past I had a negative view of what that might mean given what I knew of the history of slavery past and present. But knowing that it is possible to consent to being someone’s property, their slave, actually gives me a sense that I could be fulfilled in a way I never imagined. That I could offer all of myself to another, and that person could want to take control of every part of me. That I would never again have to retain power over the whole of my life is something that I want and desire. Right now, there is nothing that makes me happier than when Master asks: “who owns you?” and I reply “you do”.
How then is this different from the rest of my adult life? I have always felt that I existed only for the benefit of others, but that somehow I received little in return. How is it different to willingly give up, when in the past you felt it was just taken, and what is more, taken for granted by all of those around you. Perhaps it is the knowledge that Master doesn’t take. He asks me to give, and once it is given, He retains it. Even though this relationship only started some 5 months ago, it feels like a gradual process. He didn’t demand, I gave willingly, and the more I gave the more I felt I needed to give. At some point (actually a day in May when He was away in the US), we both appeared to realise that I had a need to give up complete control. I had an overwhelming desire to become His slave. 
When Master tells me He owns me, it makes me feel safe and secure. It makes me feel bound, even when not restrained. I call him Master now, freely and in a way I couldn’t seem to get used to Sir. He tells me He is my Lord (He loves being called Lord), and He is. To begin with I laughed at the idea of calling Him such a name, but now, the name Lord, is also spoken easily. The knowledge I am His girl, that my name is girl fits easily in my head. At times, I wonder, that I was ever anything else. 
But the names mean nothing without the actions. I called another person Master, though only really in the bedroom (as it were). This is something deeper, more consuming. Being slave (a slave called girl), is now deeply within me. Without His help and guidance, without control, I feel lost. For me, He is my Lord and Master and whether I like it or not (and mostly I do) He owns me, inside and out. 

Needing control from a far

I am away for a few days on my own. I say on my own, but actually, although I am here on my own in the apartment, I am really with friends. Last night was a birthday celebration, for someone I have known since I was about 5 years old. She was older, already 13 and as her teenage years progressed she adopted my mum as her ‘big sister’/ ‘surrogate mum’, since, as many of us do, she had relationship problems with her own mum. Mine was younger, with young children. Over the years, I have become closer to her and her own family. Yesterday was her 60th – a young, fun 60. Many friends and family came together and celebrated with her.

I have had great fun. Have chatted, laughed and generally hung out. It has been lovely.

But I have been missing the feeling of control Master has been giving me. Which I think deepened when we were in Lisbon.

Yesterday as I got ready for my night out, my mood dropped and I could easily have just crawled into bed and stayed away from the party. I didn’t and I pulled myself together. Late last night though, Master and I skyped and discussed my slight melt down.

There were factors which played in and which seemed to have affected me. Firstly, in the morning, I skyped with His other slave. Consciously and deliberately I offered this opportunity, since face to face is less likely to be misunderstood than text. Plus the timing suited us both – me at the beginning, she at the end of the day. I came away feeling that we had had a good chat, and we did. But there were a few things that played on my mind all day. A certain sense of trying to get one up on me, which may or may not be the case. Whatever, it played on my mind during the day.

Second, was the constant contact from the man who remains my husband in the legal sense. When I am home, days can go by without any contact at all. Even when he spends an evening at home, little meaningful conversation goes on. But when I am here, especially if alone, he does not leave me alone! Text after text come through, and if I don’t respond then he sends another. Each text I send from France, costs money, so to be frank, I would rather only contact those I wish to and that doesn’t include him.

These two things were sufficient to wind me up enough that I had my mini crisis as I showered and changed for the evening. Add to that the fact I bombarded Master with a good 6 or 7 texts, which were to be frank a little bratty, with no response and you have a girl who needs some guidance and yes, control.

As we sat across France from each other, He told me that He could see I need the control from Him. We talked about how I need to manage those outside influences. We talked about the fact that He doesn’t mind if I bombard Him with texts, so long as I know He isn’t going to respond to my bratty rants. I already knew that at the time mind you.

He asked me who I am and who I belong to – I am this girl and she belongs to Him, Master. When away from Him, they are the two things to keep in mind. Plus, to act in a way that He would want me to.

Today, He wants me to turn off my phone. I plan to do that – to have it with me, but to turn it off while I go about my day – to the local market soon and then to the beach. Tomorrow I leave for home and tomorrow night I can feel His control in person.

Image from For the Love of a Submissive

Looking back, looking forward

On 24th January I wrote this:

I think the first thing to say is that I really want (and need) is to be allowed to explore my submissive side. I want (and need) a dominant man who can help me do that. I am tired of making quite so many decisions for myself and for everyone around me and I really would like the opportunity to hand some of that over for at least some of the time. I would like to be told that I should like to be told that I am expected to dress in a certain way, to keep myself shaved, to behave in a particular way and to be made to spend some time thinking about my submission. I am not saying I want to be a 24/7 submissive, but to be given the opportunity to consider how much of my time is spent submitting to someone else is something I would like to have.

I want to be someones sexual object. To be made to push my sexual and other boundaries. I want to be expected to kneel, to worship. I want to be made to feel that they are the only one that matters and through those feelings to be aroused.

I want boundaries within which I should live my life. I want to be punished when I wilfully break rules. I want and need control.

In turn I want to be cared for, to be loved and to be made to feel wanted.

At the time, my relationship with Steve had finally ended. Even though i thought i was confused about what i wanted, perhaps deep down i knew. 

A day or two later, i first encountered Master online and 8 days later we met for the first time.

Earlier this week, Master and i were chatting about this blog. It was worrying me that perhaps i have less to say these days. i was worried that perhaps that might be a problem. Ok, so there have been concerns about the poly dynamic recently, but to be frank without making this into place where i just moan there is little point in spending my life either worrying or writing about that issue. Anyway this is my blog, and so giving space to my issues with her wouldn’t help me, let alone anyone else. Unless of course it is to discuss the effect that has on my life, His life, or our life. 

He suggested that over the past few weeks, there has been a change in the way i am coping with life in general. That i am calmer, more measured in my approach to problems. Until He mentioned that, i hadn’t really considered that to be the case. But yes it is true. He suggested i look back to the beginning of this year to see how i was then. It was while reading those posts that i came upon the excerpt above. 

The things i knew about my submissive self at the time were undeveloped. But i knew what i wanted and needed. What i have learnt since then has made me essentially into a difficult individual. I now instinctively know i am submissive. I am not afraid any longer to admit that. What is more, i know that i not only do i need to give up control of my life, that it is only by being able to do so for the right Man, that i understand what it means to be submissive.

Last weekend, when lying in bed with Master, i felt my submission was such that i was completely in His control. I felt like my limbs were tied, even though they were free. I was barely able to speak, even though no one had gagged me in anyway. What is more, i felt completely calm, happy and at ease. That is what submission has given me. It is less than 6 months since i wrote the post above, but it seems i have found what i was looking for then.

Saturday morning fun

Master introduced two new toys shortly after we woke on Saturday morning. The first was some kind of oddly shaped gadget, apparently called (according to the website he obviously bought it from) an intimate part spreader. Also according to the website it stimulates the G spot. Well. It certainly stimulated the G spot. Plus seemed to cause this girl’s clit to go into some kind of spasm. That is some toy!!! It looks weird, but wow!! 

This girl was ready for anything. Just as well, since He then introduced something else. Something this girl can only describe as a snake. Well, kind of very very long, double ended cock. Master made His girl fuck herself silly with that cock. Apparently it is suitable to fit in two different holes, or two different girls. Obviously the opportunities are endless. 
By the time this girl had had her cunt spread, her labia exposed, her clit blown on and then a large snake fucking her, she was a gibbering wreck deep in a subby space. Her reward for giving Master the pleasure of watching His girl used in this way was to be able to take Him in her mouth and reap the benefits of His orgasm.
This girl loves to give and receive pleasure and that was some pleasure. This girl was fit to burst with her own happiness.
Unfortunately later, events out of her control sent her into a bit of a tail spin. Events which took her all of Sunday morning to recover from. 
This girl has spoken before of the problems associated with the whole polyamorous lifestyle. Once again it was that whole thing which stopped this girl feeling quite as good as she had done. At times it is hard to understand quite what this girl or indeed Master does to deserve such highs and then such lows. But it is as it is. Things are back on an even keel again now, but this girl has to wonder for how long. This girl often wonders how she might get through this whole thing. Whether it is worth it. On Saturday night and into Sunday, she had serious doubts.
But it isn’t often in life a girl gets the chance of the kind of happiness Master brings to her. The fun they have together, the way they are able to laugh through difficult situations. Life was never meant to be easy, and for sure it isn’t. The life this girl and her Master are living is complex and down right complicated. But from where this girl sits right now it is worth it. 
Anyway where else will she find a man who has such a wonderful range of gadgets and isn’t afraid to use them!

Friday – Highs

This weekend has been a bit about highs and lows. But in this post, this girl thinks she should just concentrate on the highs. Maybe tomorrow, or later in the week, she will feel the need to discuss the lows. But right now, what good would that do?

This girl has had a long, three day, weekend. The whole, 4 day working week thing is just what thing girl needed. Even if, as happened this week, she doesn’t get as much sleep as she would like, this girl is still able to catch up pretty quickly. Plus there is the advantage of having more time to do the chores around the house. Even better, is the fact that on her day off, a girl can have lunch with a friend and spend the afternoon and evening with her Master. 
This girl loves the fact that she has met such wonderful people since discovering her submission. People like my lovely girlfriend, who i lunched with on Friday. Never before has this girl had someone who she can tell everything to. Plus in return receive some amazing and pretty unbiased advice. It is also lovely to see this girl’s friend growing as she is, exploring new things, building friendships and actually having fun on the way. That of course what life is about, surely.
Then off to meet Master. To visit a London gallery that both excited and depressed us both in one go. This girl loves how Master has the knowledge about art, history and art history. But, it is clear that at times we are equal in our knowledge that some London galleries and museums are bizarre in the way they think ordinary people want to view the artwork available. Of course, this girl is naive in her knowledge, but has, over the past couple of years spent a lot of time wandering round these places and instinctively knows when things are right or wrong. Master is not naive, so it is good to know this girl’s instincts are generally on the right track.
After dinner, we headed back to Master’s place. It is important to note, that since the whole ‘no luggage in Lisbon’ thing, this girl can now just travel ‘avec tooth brush and hair brush’ and stay over (though face cream is going to be added for the future). Also, glasses are also carried (contact lens solution now resides at Master’s house).
Back at His house, He gave this girl a new and to be frank, expected, toy. A new Mr Steel Butt plug. What is more, this is a serious plug, two sizes larger than the original!  (one that this girl wears as she writes this post). It was a warm evening, so without any instruction this girl stripped off (obviously that was the only reason).
The world cup is still in action, so Master used the opportunity to watch the football and also play with His girl. This involved demanding several orgasms with, from what this girl can remember, minimal effort on His part – a touch here, a pinch there, a slap here, a suck there. Then he took that very large plug and pushed it into this girl’s cunt. At the time, this girl considered, that if it felt like it did in her cunt, what would it feel like inside her rectum; now she knows.
The football was of course interesting, but to be frank, an early start, a full cunt and multiple orgasms, relaxed this girl to the extent that she had a snooze during the second half. But once this girl and Master retired to bed, she was much more alert for the wonderful time they both had. This girl drifted to sleep again, one hell of a happy girl. On such a high.

Dealing with the relationships

When I started the relationship with Master, I knew about His slave. But since we were getting together predominantly to play, and maybe just go out together. We would provide company to each other, during a difficult time for us both. She seemed happy with the arrangement. We all discussed the whole poly thing, but to be frank none of us really saw what was coming.

Over the last 5 months (yesterday was the anniversary of our first meeting), things have developed. There is something special between us that at times, for me feels over whelming. The nature of a D/s relationship, the trust and the control add something that conventional relationships don’t necessarily have. Add to that the elements present during play, add in even the nature of the sex itself. This was never going to be about playing and keeping each other company. You can be sure it isn’t.

What I didn’t realise though was the intensity of the relationship between Master’s other girl and Him. This is not to say I shouldn’t have realised, since I already understood their future plans. But I was caught up in the moment.

She and I have communicated on and off for most of the past 5 months. We are friends on Facebook and message each other there or on Skype. But both find this a challenge. We both say things that upset the other, and then that leads to difficulties not just for us, but also for Master too who is the one to pick up the pieces. Of course, you might say He got Himself into this, which He did. But still, it is the reality.

What is apparent to me though, and to Him, is that I am a little more vulnerable that people might imagine. My demeanour, my words, suggest someone in control of herself and her emotions. But the enormity of some of the issues going on in my life mean that appearances can be deceptive. Add in the fact that I am still learning to be the kind of submissive I need to be, and that He wants of me and at times I feel like a gibbering wreck. A careless word, a photo on Fetlife and I am reading all kinds of things into the meaning – even if there probably isn’t one to find.

I am going to try to step back a little from my relationship with her again. I don’t want to cause offence, but at the moment I need to consider myself.

I don’t know what the future will bring for any or all of us. But for the moment, I am happy in the relationship I have. I know I need to concentrate on being the person I want and need to be and in serving the Man who is my Master. Concentrate too on what I can manage and control and what should be controlled in me.