Knowing that i return to work today after a week off, i was always going to sleep less well than of late. It was a night when i had no calming hand from Master and it was a night when i had more than enough hot flushes.

But it was the visitor who arrived in the house, and bedroom at 4.35am (according to the digital clock) that prevented good quality sleep before his arrival and any sleep at all afterwards.

My first challenge, going forward is to stop this happening every Monday and Tuesday morning.

This week my son and I are off to Ikea to buy him some new bedroom furniture. I will then move his current bed into the spare room and that will become hubby’s bedroom when he is here.

Next, there are a few bits of decorating to be done and then I really do need to move to the next phase, since ending the marriage necessitates selling the house.

My son said yesterday that he will be happy to move with me to wherever I go if he is not ready to move out to his own flat. He also offered to speak to his dad about the way he comes and goes. I just love the way that boy has grown into such a lovely young man. But no, any conversations about his dad and I need to be had by us. I need to maintain my new found calm and resolve to do so though.

While we were away, Master and i discussed ways in which we might more openly display the nature of our relationship in the future. Thinking about the challenges ahead for me, i really do need to have those boundaries and rules set. i also think i need something other than my piercings that tells me and others, who i am.
Even when He is not here, i feel His influence in everything i do. But i know that as the days go by, i need some ways to refocus my mind and body so that i can continue to serve Him and to make Him pleased with me even during those difficult times.

A good place

This girl feels very calm right now.

She has spent most of the last week with her Master and has been subject to His calming influence and to His power and control. This girl has made few decisions, and when she has, they have been in the knowledge that He isn’t far away. Even today when we have been apart, He hasn’t been far from this girl’s thoughts and that helps keep her on the right path.

This morning, shortly after waking, Master took possession of this girl. He had already instructed her to give Him a number of orgasms and then He took her arse for the first time in a few weeks. It was a fitting end to a wonderful week. This girl can still feel where He has been, as she writes this blog post over 12 hours later.

The challenge now, as this girl returns to work tomorrow and encounters the stresses of both work and home, is to maintain this calm feeling. To prevent that feeling of happiness falling away too quickly and not allow those who may cause this girl to feel anxious and doubt herself from doing so.

Today this girl was complimented by her dad on the way she handled one or two put down comments from her mum. In the past this girl was quick to react to such comments, but today she acted differently. She acted instead, in the way she and Master have discussed. She felt proud. Of the comments, and that if Master had been there, that He would have been pleased with her.

This girl has a number of things she needs to focus on in the coming months to make the changes that are necessary to her life. She knows that being calm and organised is part of the key to being successful in making these changes. She knows that she needs to make something of a plan. She needs Master’s help in doing this and in helping keep her on track.

This girl needs to learn how to keep within this good place even when she and Master aren’t together, even when He can’t see her. That is the challenge.

Time away

This girl has just woken in her own bed, alone, for the first time in almost a week. This girl loves sleeping with Master, often she wakes with His hand on her body. He says His hand has a calming influence on a girl who thrashes around a little at times during sleep. 6 consecutive nights together, though and this girl was beginning to enjoy the routine.

The trip to Lisbon was wonderful in so many ways and has left this girl with some memories which will stay with her for years to come. The beautiful views (once you negotiated the hills), the pretty (cobbled) streets, the amazing buildings, many of them as they have always been, some of them however decaying. The smell of fish cooking (something this girl likes and Master does  not), the lovely wine and the beer. Master taking control of the map and pouring over it at each street corner as He looked for the next place He was taking this girl to see. The music; Fado which He introduced this girl to, and which she loved listening to as they ate dinner (though the second evening’s experience was better than the first). Master with His camera, taking so much care to get the right shot, while this girl has taken 5 of her own, in her own natural way. 
The trip was not without its problems, mainly the one where neither of our cases appeared on the baggage carousel. Master’s arrived on Wednesday and this girl’s appears now to be in Lisbon, though it has not yet caught up with her. This meant Monday morning was spent hunting toiletries, and Tuesday morning spent in a shopping mall buying clothes. But in a way this just added to the experience. There were no tears, tantrums or arguments. In the end we just laughed about the misfortune of not being able to wear certain clothes or do certain things. We were both able to wear clean clothes at the very point where wearing our dirty clothes stopped being an option. Plus this girl finds the smell of her Master very very sexy. 
One of the downsides of Master’s luggage going missing was that His toys were in His case. But, even though the Hitachi (nor anything else He had in there) failed to made an appearance, this girl certainly didn’t go without being the object of His pleasure. This girl’s favourite time was usually after waking, but before the need to get up for breakfast. A time when Master used His girl and she worshipped Him in the way He likes and expects. 
When you put all of that together, it was a very special time indeed. 
The timing had a particular purpose. Now that anniversary is done with, this girl needs to move things on at home. The next challenge. 

Rediscovering that special space

It is weeks since this girl has been in a seriously submissive place. Well until last night that is. Don’t get me wrong, this girl has had some wonderful sex with Master since He returned from His travels. Plus last Sunday morning there was a little play session. But on other days over the past 3 weeks, this girl has struggled, as has Master. There has been a lot going on for us both when it has come to life in general and to other people in our lives. Last night though, Master visited this girl in her own home. We ate dinner, we drank wine and we chatted. We also watched TV – mainly the world cup which is almost compulsory for us Brits.

Later in the evening this girl, who was only wearing a little summer dress anyway, stripped naked for Master. As He played with His girl,  she became more and more aroused. As is often the case, the memory of events are a little blurred (and not just because of the wine), but there were a lot of orgasms taken from this girl and given to Master. This girl would call them forced, except it didn’t seem to take much for Master to take them from her. They involved His hands, a very cold beer bottle and then most amazingly His mouth. This girl felt all sense of reality leave her as she found herself floating to a special place she hadn’t been for a while. Subspace.

Master called this girl a number of names while she was there. He told her that she was His piece of fuck meat, His to use. This girl just agreed. She was and is His to own and use as He wishes and she feels blessed that He chose to use her in that way last night. To take her to a place where she was just girl and He was just Master.

This morning in bed, Master fucked His girl’s cunt and then she was rewarded with a mouthful of His cock and then His seed.

This afternoon this girl finds herself in a better mental and physical place than she has inhabited for weeks.  This girl knows too that she can inhabit that place for the next week. Tomorrow we leave for our time away.

Back next weekend.

Moody Slut

That is the only thing that can describe this girl. A day can start off really well, nothing in particular might upset her, but then without warning and without delay, the bottom appears to fall out of it.

Yesterday was one of those days. This girl had a reasonable day at work. Achieved some useful outcomes (as they love to call things you do in this girls line of work), and even indulged in some retail therapy at lunchtime.

Suddenly though at 3pm or so, this girl began to feel her mood slipping. It was as if one of the death eaters from a Harry Potter book had suddenly sat beside her. This girl’s energy slumped, and if anyone had said anything at all annoying or upsetting tears would have emerged.

By the time this girl got home this girl felt like she was in the worst depression ever. This is hard for this girl to describe, since these feelings are pretty alien. This girl is not someone who, thankfully, has been affected by this kind of thing in the past. Even after having a baby, the blues was all she had. Ok, so some of the PMT this girl has suffered has caused family to keep a wide birth, but that was never as sudden and dramatic. And anyway there was no danger of an angry outburst, just tears.

Well actually the outburst came in the form of mad and crazy messages sent to Master, who was in the middle of dealing with another problem in His life. In the course of 20 mins, this girl had told Master that she wanted to end their relationship and that she didn’t 4 or 5 times. That was just in the messages that actually got sent.

Luckily He took all of this in His stride and this girl and Master were able to talk things through and finally laugh about things later.

This girl still hasn’t been to see the doctor about HRT and knows she needs to do that. Plus they discussed whether this girl needs a snack at 3pm as it is usually mid afternoon when these things occur. They also discussed the loss of control and panic which engulfs this girl from time to time and how that might be linked to her submission. That when this girl reaches out and Master is not around, what happens and how this girl might take steps to prevent feeling as she did yesterday.

One thing is for sure, this girl hates those feelings and hates to be moody. What is more, she hates the thought of sending messages to Master, that he could take seriously. This girl feels she needs to get a grip!

Letting go

The last couple of weeks have been both wonderful and a little odd for this girl. On the one hand, she has been lucky enough to see lots of Master, times in bed, a little play and out having a good time together. But on the other, Master and this girl had not discussed the whole Master / slave situation. He asked this girl to become His slave when He was thousands of miles away and straight away she knew it was what she wanted, needed even. A couple of new rituals were introduced, but other than that little changed.

Yesterday, despite having been with Master the previous evening and going to bed feeling really happy and relaxed, this girl got up with a real knot in her insides. The feelings of anxiety were, she knew, about some unsaid things between she and Master. It is not as if there won’t be time to say those things in the next few days, especially given that this girl and Master are off away for a few days at the weekend. But for some reason the feelings of anxiety and even distress grew.

Last night, at last (not really many hours, but a long time when your insides are in knots), this girl and Master discussed her submission and some important things about their relationship with each other. This girl was able to describe what her submission means to her and what she needs from Him. She was also able to say how she feels both when they are together and when apart.

In Master’s presence, this girl is able to trust implicitly in Him. She relaxes in His presence in a way she doesn’t any where else right now. His very touch is enough to calm, His look enough to stop her words and even outside thoughts. His commands have an immediate effect. She feels that she is totally and completely owned by Him and happy with everything about that.

Most of the time when not together, this girl feels fine. She still knows who owns her and increasingly she goes about her life considering what He would think of what she was doing. Choices are increasingly made on that basis. This is particularly true in the way this girl acts and behaves with others. She is increasingly mindful of what He would say if He were present, would he tell her she was a good girl, or maybe being a little bratty?

From time to time though, and yesterday was like a bolt from the blue, this girl feels like a rug has been pulled from under her and that she needs Him to catch her from falling. Of course yesterday He wasn’t there, it was some time before He knew there was anything wrong, and even if He had known He probably wouldn’t have known He needed to do anything at all, if indeed He could.

Master and this girl discussed these feelings and possible causes. This girl is currently going through the menopause, and it seems likely that this is a major factor. But on top of this, it is clear that this girl was anxious about some things she would like to influence, perhaps even control, but actually doesn’t need to. External factors to this girl’s life. Things that will happen whether or not this girl intervenes. Things that actually this girl has no real right or need to intervene in. They discussed this girl’s need to let go of those things and to let what happens, just, happen.

This girl has been someone who tried to control and influence, even when those things were neither asked for or desired. It is part of that need to help, to nurture, to make people happy.

In truth the only people this girl needs to make happy are herself, a very small circle of family and most importantly her Master. That is what this girl will focus on for now.

At the weekend Master and this girl will discuss some more contractual things about their relationship. But right now all this girl needs to know is how much this girl is cared for and what she needs to do to please Him.

TMI Tuesday – Some things to think about

This is the first time I have joined in with TMI Tuesday, but in the absence of anything particular to write about and because it might be fun, here goes:
1. Name something you always carry with you?

That would probably be my iPhone. I recently got an upgrade from my old fashioned 3s and now have a 5s. I love it, and probably fiddle with it too much during any given day. 

I also like to have a note book and pen and now I commute, a book to read.

2. Is there anyone on your mind at the moment? Who? Why?

Master is pretty much constantly on my mind right now, but then why wouldn’t He be? I am also giving quite a bit of thought to the other person in His life. 

3. If you were to be remembered for one thing, what would it be?

For my caring nature, I hope. I would hate all of the effort I have gone to in loving, nurturing and caring would be wasted.

4. Tell us something new that you learned in the last month?

That I could never be involved in a truly long distance relationship. I would hate the difficulties with time differences and couldn’t cope without the physical interactions of a real time relationship. 

5. What are you pretending not to know? Why?

That the final break with hubby will be incredibly painful. Despite everything that has happened and the knowledge of what needs to happen in the future, the day we go our separate ways physically will be sad. But for my own happiness I know in my heart I am doing the right thing.

6. Are you happy with other people’s perception of you?

Increasingly, yes I am. That is because perception and reality are beginning to merge.

7. Are you generally focused on today or tomorrow?

I would like to say today since part of what I promise Master is to focus and especially to focus on my working day. But He and I are off to Lisbon on Sunday and I would rather focus on that. 

Bonus:  How do you eat Oreos? Which method best matches your Oreo cookie eating style?
a. Pick it up, bite into it.
b. Twist it open, eat each half separately
c. Twist it open, eat the frosting, then eat each chocolate cookie half separately.

Oreos are not something I eat often. I try to keep away from such things as I am always watching my weight. But when I have eaten them it would need to be c. Twist it open, eat the frosting, then eat each chocolate half separately. You have to savour a treat don’t you?————

How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link totmituesdayblog from your website!
Happy TMI Tuesday!

30 Days of submission revisited, 22 – 26

22) Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?

This girl believes the submissive feelings were there when she had no Dominant, but essentially she suppressed them. Much of the time, this girl didn’t know why she felt the way she did, didn’t realise what she was missing. Having been in this particular relationship, experiencing a different level of submission than before, brings forward its own fears. This girl fears a day when she has no Dominant partner again and how she would be able to cope and to manage her life without control and without structure. At the moment, this girl does not want to think about that and instead, will embrace the fact that Master is in her life. 

23) Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

This girl recognises that every D/s or M/s relationship is different, just as all relationships per say are also different. This girl wouldn’t particularly question the lives others lead, not is she particularly repelled about those lives. This girl is learning about what submission means to her, and as such wouldn’t even begin to wonder where it will all end up. Yes, this girl has wondered about her submission, and at times has found it difficult to cope with. As this girl gives up more of herself to her Master, so at times she has felt frightened. Particularly when He isn’t around to provide the control this girl feels she needs. This girl is sure, though, that over time these feelings will subside as she develops coping strategies. 

24) What are the emotions that most directly led you to access submission? What feelings do they inspire?

The first time this girl was called names that should have made her feel worthless, the first time this girl was told to kneel for another, the first time this girl was told to cum for another. These are all things that made this girl feel good, rather than bad or worthless. This girl found that she was turned on by having control for herself taken away. With Master, this girl felt her submission on the first day they met for real. She doesn’t know why or how, since none of the above had actually happened yet. He touched this girl and she not only felt aroused, but she also felt something in His voice, His touches that reassured her and made her feel her submission returning.

Now, over 4 months later, being called a slut. Being asked who owns her, being asked who she is and replying ‘this girl’, promote a feeling of safety, of being wanted and cared for. Submission feels like a warm place, a place that this girl wants to stay in. It is when this girl is stressed and without the feeling He is watching over her that this girl feels the fear of a loss of submission. 

25) Are there items, objects or rituals that represent or help you express submission? If not, have you ever thought of adding or being gifted one? Is there a special significance to these objects or rituals?

The first thing that Master and this girl used to help with her submission was the butt plug. This girl used this quite a bit when Master was away recently and probably needs to use if more when she feels it hard focus on her submission.

The other key thing is the piercings. This girl touches the nipple jewellery quite a few times a day as a reminder.

This girl thinks that rituals are important to her, and knows how important it is to stand in front of the mirror daily (even when she doesn’t want to), and tell her reflection who owns her and who she is.

26) What are the qualities you seek in a dominant partner and why? Are some qualities deal-breakers as in “must” haves or “must not” have?

So far this girl hasn’t actually looked for a Dominant partner, they have more like just happened along at the right time.

The main thing right now would be consistency and Trust. That He was consistent in His approach and that there could be complete trust between us. Further than that, well, this girl is flexible and anyway is currently being trained to meet the needs of the man who is currently her Master. Anything else is for the future.

Random Sunday thoughts

Though I haven’t necessarily articulated it in this way, I have often felt and said that finding my submission often makes me feel that the rug has been pulled from me. I know I am on a journey somewhere, but don’t really yet understand the destination. I am clear that submission for me is a better place than the one I inhabited before, and I am also clear that a half hearted attempt at submission, such as just in the bedroom is not an option for me.

I guess though, that I really never understood how difficult this journey would be.

I always felt reasonably assured in myself before. Confident in what I needed to do. That was partly because I rarely let anyone see the part of myself that is hidden to others, let alone the one that is hidden to me too. That sadly includes my husband of 30 years. I built a wall, one that was practically impenetrable. But a wall that is gradually being dismantled.

Things that I would have brushed aside, now concern me greatly – what people think, the deeper meaning within words, the reality that I feel nervous, fragile, sometimes unable to cope with ordinary life.

I seek assurance in a way that I never thought I would. I feel the need to try to understand the future in a way that I never did before, and frankly can’t even be determined.

This is partly to do with the fact I am in the process of so many endings. But also because of the reality that I have embarked on a relationship where I don’t yet know what is expected of me. Nothing yet is clear. Where as in the past I always thought I was allowing things just to happen, in reality, I was controlling them. Suddenly I feel I need clarity, but don’t control how that emerges. I need rules, perimeters and to understand my place, but don’t really know how to make that happen.

I know I need to let go much more, but am finding doing so really hard. I need His help, His support and His care. But I also need to have it spelt out a little more explicitly.

This is my blog

When I started this blog, I knew that I was at the beginning of a journey that was likely to continue for a while. At the time, I didn’t know what I was getting into, I didn’t know where it would take me. I didn’t know how necessary it would be to write my thoughts down in the way I do now.

I have written of my excitement and my joy. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and when something new, exciting, thrilling happens, I want to share with the world. Even if the world here is a small place. During the difficult times it has been important to be able to read back to see the good things that have happened. To see what my thoughts were on those days.
Equally I have bared my soul here. I have described some difficult and painful feelings. Rejection, hurt, pain – both that caused to me, but that which has come from me to others and to myself. 
Often when I arrive I am confused and writing here, helps me to sort out my thoughts and then to be able to move on.
Last but not least, I have made some friends here. People who stop by and leave thoughts and encouragement, those I also know through their blogs and then those who I know in real life or know a little more of through email etc.
When I thought hubby had found this place, I thought I might have to stop, but luckily his visits were transient. I often feel lucky that he is so inept at the world of the internet.
This place is very important to me, this is a place where I can be free to write as I need. I just hope it will remain that way into the future.