Belonging to Him

This girl spend a lovely hour or more with Sir, by the virtue of the wonders of the internet. It was good to see Him and to speak with Him. They chatted about what they had both been doing and about her submission. He told her that He wished He was with His girl right then. She couldn’t even begin to express how much she wished that were the case.

This girl retired to bed shortly afterwards. She lay in bed, with her plug inserted. Sir thinks this girl is ready for the next size of plug, she thinks he may be right. The combination of the plug and the clit piercing gave this girl a wonderful feeling that immediately helped her to not only touch her submission, but snuggle into its warm embrace. A larger plug might just enhance that feeling.

For a while this girl lay reading her book, absently fondling the nipples that she knows belong to Him.  Since the piercings, those nipples are much more sensitive even to this girl’s own touch. As she stroked, so she squeezed her anal muscles and she felt the already wet pussy, His pussy, begin to moisten further. She put down the book and snuggled down further into the bed and began to stroke around the piercing. She played with the little bar across the hood and she applied pressure directly to the cit. All the time she was thinking of Him, imagining that it was His fingers touching her. The orgasm was almost immediate, and it took her a little by surprise. Under her breath, she told Him that it belonged to Him. That she belonged to Him. Then whispering she spoke – It is yours Master.

30 days of submission – The return

Since this girl is in a new relationship and since her submission has significantly changed (in her own eyes). She has decided to revisit the 30 days of submission she completed in 2012/13. Since this whole things takes an age doing it one day at a time, she will complete these in batches.

1) Does your submission – either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your submission as Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?


This relationship is based on Dominance and submission. This girl pretty much submitted to Sir on the first day they met for real. There seems to be something about the things He says to her and the way He says them that have a significant effect. Having said that, she is also desperate to submit.
This girl is at a place in her life where she needs to change some things. She needs to find someone to be properly submissive to. This is not about what happens in the bedroom. It isn’t even about BDSM per say, but it is about her need to submit and submit to the right man.
This girl suspects she is slave material, but reserves judgement since the experiences she is having now are so new. The extent to which she can and will submit are unknown. Sir is also wondering about this and since He already has a slave, perhaps He won’t be the Man she is slave to. This girl doesn’t know and for now doesn’t particularly care. 


2) Describe who you might submit to and how. Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?


Submission for this girl is developing into something that happens more within daily life than before. In the past submission was definitely part of a scene or getting ready for one. Increasingly this girl is handing over more control of herself to Sir, those areas of life where in reality she doesn’t need or desire it. This girl sees that more and more she will not make decisions that are important without discussing them with Him and ultimately seeking and receiving his permission to take a particular route. Increasing this is becoming a need rather than a desire.


3) How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive? How do you feel when you express your submission?

Over the past 2 years, this girl has learned to recognise that the feelings she has had about herself for her whole life amount to a submissive personality. She seeks always to put others before herself, she seeks to please, she seeks to belong to be treasured, owned even. For many years this girl’s life was contradictory, on one hand she did everything for her family, doing pretty much all of the domestic chores including decorating and the garden, providing care for her son, being there and doing as much as possible for the wider family. At family events, this girl was not the one sitting chatting, rather she was in the kitchen, helping with the barbecue, filling peoples glasses, taking the children to the park….
On the other hand, because her husband often couldn’t make decisions, this girl usually made them on behalf of them both. Where and when to go on holiday, booking tickets, arranging nights out. Meanwhile he would complain about those decisions, despite not being willing to take any responsibility himself.

This girl now knows that this is not the path she desires to take any more. She needs to give up control in order to find a deeper happiness within. 

Submission for this girl now puts her into a peaceful and happy state. By completely releasing herself to the care of her Master, this girl is able to do anything He wishes her to but without her now feeling that she is some kind of door mat for doing so. She loves to be used by Him for His needs and She needs to feel his control over everything she does. Only then does she feel that inner peace and deeper personal satisfaction.

4) Do you switch into a dominant role at any time? 

This girl would say that any sign of dominance this girl ever had is fast receding even in the work and family situation. Yes this girl can be assertive, she can and does take charge of situations. But increasingly she finds she can do what she needs and still feel her own submission. Increasingly she is letting others take the lead, perhaps without them even realising anything has changed. To do this, she has made a conscious effort and has been able to do so with Sir’s help and support. As far as this girl can see dominance will have no part in her future role in life. 

If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over? 

That is not this girl’s current role but in future who knows? However this girl would always want control of her own finances and the ability to choose (with consultation and agreement) who she were friends etc with. 

Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?

This girl can’t imagine being a ‘switch’. It is highly likely that from time to time she could be accused of being ‘bratty’ or even attempting to ‘bottom from the top’ but often that is because of some frustration coming through. No this girl’s Master is in charge and she knows it!

5) Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?

As everyone who has read this blog for longer than a few days will know, this is the second D/s relationship this girl has been in. What is more this is very different. S started this girl on her path to submission and helped her see who and what she was. He gave her a taste for humiliation and for masochism, he helped her begin to see where her journey might take her. But that was not the right relationship for either of them (difficult as that realisation was for this girl at the time He ended things). The relationship with Sir is about much more than the bedroom than the one with S was. When this girl plays with Sir, it is also very different. Sir has an amazing array of toys. What is more, He knows how to use them. This girl finds it increasingly easy to find her submission and to find subspace during those sessions. Finally, this girl feels submissive during her whole life now, not just when she is in bed or playing with a dominant and that is very very different.

Communication in relationships – is D/s different?

Yesterday, after visiting my parents – my dad is feeling a little stronger now, even though he will need some radiotherapy on his back after all – I spent time with my sister in law.

In truth she is an ex, since she and my brother are no longer married. She is in another relationship now, one where there has been a great deal of lying by omission. We spent 3 hours and I drank 3 cups of coffee (something I never usually do these days) discussing and analysing both our marriages and her current relationship. The common theme was a lack of communication, or an inability to find a common way to communicate with each other. The difficulties I have experienced in trying to communicate effectively with hubby are well documented here and so I won’t repeat myself. But I have been wondering about the common threads for us both and how, if at all they are different in my current relationship with Sir.

My brother caused my sister in law great pain. He was unfaithful, he became addicted to cocaine and in order to support that habit he spent a great deal of money that they didn’t have. He lied. In the end she called a halt to things and he left. Soon after she got together with someone she had known before her marriage. 5 years on, while he spends most nights with her, he also spends part of each day at a home that he shares with his sister. She apparently suffers from severe depression and he feels a great responsibility for her care. The problem is that my sister in law is desperate for him to prioritise her, and to commit to her. He has omitted to tell her the reasons he feels so responsible for his sister, whose call he always jumps to, often without telling his partner. The  means he may go out for half an hour, and not return for hours or longer. No matter how hard she tries she can’t get to the root of the problem, and she can’t get him to articulate his long term intentions. She fears that if she does nothing, in another 5 years she will be in the same position. We agreed that the thought processes and actions of the men in our lives often puzzle us and that somehow it left us feeling like failures.

Driving home though, I began to think about the past 3 months with Sir. About how open we have needed to be about ourselves and our needs. About how well we need to know and trust each other. In particular how much I need to be able to trust him in order to submit to him and to release myself into his care. Of course, this still feels a little one sided, since in order to be his submissive I have opened myself up much more than perhaps he has. To a certain extent he has tried to protect me from his other relationship, but bit by bit details do emerge. The ability to try not to judge what is revealed to you seems important, though very very hard at times. Especially when you know what it is you want, but also know that might not be what you have to accept in the end.

Sometimes it feels we have known each other for so much longer than 3 months and that is something both of us keep reminding the other of. But the depth of understanding and of trust in our relationship already feels greater than hers after 5 years. The other sad thing is, that while my brother is now clean and is in a new relationship too, that isn’t very happy either. I can’t help thinking that this couple could have remained together and in love if only there had been more honesty and understanding of each others needs. What I do know is that none of them have fulfilment in their lives and that is sad.

Despite my problems, and the uncertainty about my longer term relationship with Sir, I feel submission is bringing me a freedom to communicate in a way that can only be positive and help me be the person I want to be and in a relationship that is right. In the end I will have inner peace and happiness, but will they?

Getting this girl back on track

The last week has felt a long one, but this girl is determined that over the course of this weekend she will be back on track in all areas. Last evening this girl had the pleasure of speaking on Skype to her Master, all be it over a very dodgy hotel wifi system. This happened pretty much as soon as this girl had returned from work and put her into a very happy place for the rest of the evening and hopefully for the whole weekend. We chatted mainly about this girl and how she has coped this week. Also about the various tensions in this girl’s life right now and how she is managing them. It is amazing that just by seeing His face and hearing His voice, this girl felt so much more settled. Essentially he could have been reading a book to her and she would have felt happy afterwards.

Filled with joy at having spent time with Him, this girl wanted to tell someone, but since no one was home there was no one to share her experience with. Until a little later that was when this girl had the pleasure of a Skype conversation with destiny. This girl has recently become friends with both destiny and her Master, and over the past week they have both been on hand to help this girl through some of her darker moments. It was great then to share such a happy one with destiny. She has written about the parallels and differences of our journeys on her blog.

Last night for the first time in ages this girl went to bed wearing her plug, and then when she briefly woke at 4am and didn’t seem able to fall back to sleep she gave her master the orgasm she had requested earlier in the evening. Using a vibe over the clit is different since the piercing, this girl can report. The area is more sensitive and in fact for a little time, this girl had to keep moving the vibe away, but once in place it gave a wonderful deep orgasm which Sir would love to have seen. It also helped this girl then sleep well for the second part of the night.

Having just finished a leisurely breakfast and coffee in bed, this girl is now heading off for a bath and shave. After which she intends to re-mark herself – she admitted to Sir that she had let the original fade. Then she intends to wear her plug as she goes about her chores today to help her remember her submission and to think about her Master.

Hopefully then this girl is back in the right mood, and back where she should be.

Feeling better at last

During the past week my mood and feeling of well being has swung between happiness and despair; well that’s how it has felt. Just over a week ago I spent the most amazing evening with Sir and was as happy as can be. I had also been as submissive as I possibly ever had been.

This morning, I felt as if I was starting to return to as close to that state as I can be without having Him here and without the aid of orgasms or toys. I feel that I need to devote a bit of time at the weekend to getting myself back to the mind frame of being ‘this girl’. 
After an anxious week with my dad we had some good news that the cancer is not as we feared in his spine and he has now rallied a bit. I am looking forward to giving he and my mum some time at the weekend.
This week I have had little contact with Sir. Knowing in advance that this would be the case hasn’t helped as my mood, and feelings have swung wildly. At times I have wanted to tell him I don’t think I can handle this kind of absence and his other relationship. But at other rational times I have recognised that is what I knew I was getting into and since I want to be in a relationship with Him then this is what I will of course be prepared to do.

Also this week I have been for relationship counselling. This is about ending my marriage and in one way was useful. It helped  me clarify where I have got to in ending my marriage. But it is very difficult to think about that relationship in isolation especially when my mind is on Sir and the relationship complications that brings with it.

The weekend feels a positive place. To take stock and to look forward. It is a place to acquaint myself with my submission. I just hope that I am able to have more contact with Him than an email or text. Otherwise, I don’t know how long this good feeling will last!

Feelings of guilt

I have been so self absorbed recently, seeking to find happiness and fulfilment. Then knowing how Sir’s departure would make me feel I went off to France and while I did fun things and house maintenance that needed doing I was just thinking of myself.

But now I am feeling guilty. My dad is really unwell and my departure left them alone – one brother on a trip to Mexico and the other working – and they had to manage some really terrible difficulties with his health.

What kind of daughter am I? How can I call myself a nurse? How can I treat my own family in this way.

This has got to stop. I must get a grip and if that means leaving Sir and my submission behind for a while that is what will have to happen.

It might be my lack of a night’s sleep speaking – don’t you just hate the feeling that you have had a lovely deep sleep to find the clock has moved about 20 minutes since the last time you looked.

But I know I must concentrate on some very important things right now. This illness is going to take my dad from us and I really do need to sort out my priorities.

Good girl

Out shopping yesterday this girl saw this bag; she didn’t buy it obviously but took it’s picture!

This morning this girl updated her ‘my journey’ page, but despite laying out her feelings she didn’t really feel all that good. Especially as after her shower, Sir’s mark was decidedly faded. So she went out and bought a permanent pen and re-marked herself.

Hopefully that will help to do the trick!

Time away

I knew the decision to come away was the right one during the argument with hubby on Thursday night. But as I drove from the airport all I could think of was that the last time I had been here it was with Sir. I wondered if I would be able to settle, relax and enjoy myself. The answer is yes, I can.

This is the place I can come to if I need a break from the weather in the UK or from other people. This is a place where I have friends who spend the whole summer and who I can tell  most things to and who I can have fun with.

I have been coming here with hubby and my son for a few years now, and last year got the opportunity to buy a small apartment, a bolt hole if you like. I didn’t realise then how important coming here would be, but I think I am beginning to realise. Of course when you own the place it isn’t just about having a good time, there are chores to be done, so today I am off with my friends to make a few purchases for the apartment and then there will be a little maintenance work to do. But then this afternoon I will get to go to the beach before we go out to dinner tonight.

From here I can still maintain contact with my friends back home and elsewhere and this will be soon all the easier as I will have broadband in the apartment by the end of the month. At the moment I am using a hotspot which is at best temperamental!

This is just a short break; the weekend and next week it will be back to work and to the realities of life. But I know that this place is here and if I need to I can come back, time off and flights depending, I can.

Meltdown

The evening started well enough. The first time hubby and I had spent any time together for a week or so. Dinner was cooking, and we sat down to have a drink together. We talked about family issues, of which there are a number right now. We got onto the subject of his parents, and I commented (once again) that he needed to talk to them about our relationship, particularly given that our wedding anniversary approaches – one we won’t be celebrating. It was then that hubby articulated that he thought we would at least spend the evening together on that day, have dinner, after all it will be 30 years. I told him I will be away, out of the country.

The next couple of hours are a stress filled blur. Voices (mine) were raised, unkind things were said by us both and we both lashed out at each other. His was more about throwing my laptop and standing over me, squaring up. Mine was about me actually physically lashing out as he appeared to try to grab me. Then there were tears, lots and lots of tears.

I have not cried about that relationship at all, and I sat on my own, upstairs wondering why now? I desperately wanted to speak to Sir, but he was preparing to leave today. We exchanged a few texts and I told him a little of things with hubby. I didn’t tell him I was in full meltdown. Particularly when the realisation dawned that the whole hubby thing happened when it did for a reason. The tears were not for hubby and for our relationship as it dies. The tears were because suddenly I felt alone, with no one to turn to.

In fact a couple more texts from Sir cheered me up and I pulled myself together. The hubby thing is far from resolved, and Sir still leaves today. But I slept quite well and when I was in that half sleep half wakeful time I was able to regain that feeling of calmness I have had recently. Regain the feeling of submission, remember the piercings, remember that I am marked by Sir’s pen.

Ok, so he hasn’t actually left these shores yet, and he did help me out with the texts, but there was no conversation in person.

I think I can cope, I can remember even when the going gets tough. This time is going to be a test, I am going to think things I don’t want to think, but I will get through it.

I am this girl. Sir’s girl.