30 days of submission revisited – Days 12-16

The last day of May and another few days of 30 days of submission revisited. 

12) Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?

This girl can’t imagine that she would ever wish to include her entire finances to anyone else. The financial security that she has now is down to her own hard work and she has been badly burned in the past by her own husband and family members. As someone who once had to cut up her debit card and send it back to the bank and then was forced to use a joint account for years, this girl intends to always keep her finances within her own control.


Having said all of that. This girl thinks there might be some particular occasions that she would like to give her Master particular elements of financial control. The first thing this girl is thinking about is their impending trip to Lisbon (towards the end of June). This girl likes to pay her way, but is used to controlling all the finances when on holiday and finds that very stressful. This girl would like to suggest to her Master that she give Him her spending money and then He controls it. That way she gets to completely submit (they have already discussed that He should control her access to her mobile phone for that trip) to Him for those few days without any concerns at all. She can devote herself to Him. This girl thinks she would like that very much.


13) Is sexual availability, being available to your partner at any time he or she wants, part of your submission/? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?

This girl, being the slut she is loves this part of her submission. Part of it is definitely the fact He wants and demands that availability, makes it clear how much her availability is a turn on for Him. Master likes His girl without underwear when they are together; He likes to be able to touch Her intimately when they are out in a public place. This girl is all for the whole slutty humiliation thing. Limits? Well, of course this girl can’t be with Him the whole time. Otherwise though this girl puts her trust and her body in the hands of Her Master on this one!

14) Does religion have any bearing on your decision to submit? If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?


There is no religion in this relationship other than the fact that this girl worships Master and particularly His cock. That this girl guesses wasn’t what was being asked.

15) Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?


This girl’s submission has not only evolved and changed since her first D/s relationship, but has also done so over the past 4 months since she and Master met. What is more this girl feels there is more much more to discover on that front.

As of today, this girl has not seen her Master in the flesh for 3 weeks and 3 days. That time of absence, while incredibly difficult has given this girl and Master time to think about their relationship and about this girl’s submission. This girl knows that her Master is looking forward to her learning about herself as His slave. A journey that this girl is really just about to embark on. 

Some subtle changes are about the way in which this girl is willing to give up the power and control she has over herself and much of her life to Him. Gradually this girl feels herself becoming a more relaxed and thoughtful person, but one who knows where her priorities lie. There is much more to come on this area of girl’s life. This girl knows that Master is looking forward to nurturing it. 

16) Have you found your submission has changed with different partners / relationships? If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person?

This girl imagines that all relationships are different, since all Dominants are different. It stands to reason that there will be different expectations and needs and in order to be able to meet those needs the submissive may well need to adapt and change a little. This relationship though is this girl’s first proper D/s relationship and consequently she is finding out what submission means and feels like in a whole new way. Master has the experience to guide his girl and what is more He is clear about what He expects from her. This makes the changes easier to manage, in fact they pretty much happen without girl noticing till afterwards. The changes relate to her behaviour both when they are together and apart, to the way in which He reminds her she needs to concentrate by switching into the third person with her, by the way she dresses for Him, knowing it pleases and by embracing the pain and humiliation He gives. This girl knows who owns her, all of her.

End of a difficult week – what this girl has learnt

This girl’s emotions have been all over the place this week. It is still hard to imagine how it is that this girl can feel almost euphoric one moment and then anxious, afraid and tearful the next. What this girl has learnt this week though is that rather than always covering up her feelings and just trying to cope, there is usually someone in life who will help you through. Or of course share the good things in life.

The contact with Master has helped, even when we have discussed difficult issues. He is an amazing source of sensible strength to this girl. Plus His wry and often a little left of centre, sense of humour makes this girl laugh even when she is feeling down.

As this girl has mentioned before, she doesn’t always find it easy to make friends. But suddenly this girl is making new friends in new ways. Ones who she doesn’t have to hide certain areas of her life from. This girl is discovering a network of people who can support each other and share times, both good and bad.

Being there for family is easier when you are being supported by others, whether they are friends, family or Master. This girl’s dad has deteriorated a little more, and yesterday was spent in a hospital trying to get his pain management sorted out (thankfully with success). While this girl was tired when she got home, she felt that something good will come of the day. In the past, given that hubby and son were home, she would have passed up the chance of an hour with Master. But having realised what is important to this girl’s well being and to His, she didn’t do that. As the relationship with hubby moves to yet a different phase – one where he has to recognise this girl has other important people in her life who are not part of his – that was an important step.

So the weekend approaches. This time this girl will mix getting things done with having some fun with friends and also with family. Tonight a chance to see a nephew and niece that this girl doesn’t see often enough.

Then after the weekend, Master will be on His way home. For the first time she can be His slave in person.

This girl kind of can’t wait for that, but knows she must be patient.

Vulnerability and emotions

I have rarely been the kind of person to show my vulnerable side, to let people see that I hurt. Indeed in recent years, even when falling apart inside, I rarely cried. People were more likely to see me display other emotions such as irritation or anger. Often people may have wrongly labelled me and definitely people have found me a little unapproachable, scary even.

Over the course of many years, I have built barriers around me. Scared that by showing my vulnerabilities people would see me as weak and unable to cope with the normal problems life throws at you.

Slowly though, with the help of friends and of my Master, those barriers, walls even are coming down. For someone not necessarily used to the feelings that accompany this, I am finding that I am more fearful than perhaps I was. Fearful of allowing my more vulnerable side to show when I don’t really want or need that to happen. In the past I rarely cried, I hardly ever felt close to tears, now it almost feels that they are just waiting there all of the time.

Yesterday morning, after an almost sleepless night – the knowledge hubby was about to reappear after several days away, too much thinking on my part, a feeling that my productive weekend hadn’t quite been fun enough, while Master was off enjoying His – I got into the shower. Suddenly and without warning I started to cry. While the water washed off of my body, tears ran down my face. For a few seconds, I felt stupid. What did I have to cry about? But then, I just let it happen, let my anxieties and fears fall away. After drying myself, I stood in front of the mirror naked and re-marked myself. I told my reflection out loud that this girl, this slut, belongs to her Master (this is a new rule), and tried to get those negative thoughts from my head. Suddenly I felt stronger. More able to face the day. There is definitely something about reaffirming to myself that I am owned by Him that helps me. Added to this the text I received from Him reaffirming that I am not completely alone helped me feel ready to face the day. A coffee which I grabbed on the way into work helped wake up my brain and face a day in the office.

Last evening after work, I got my time with Master. We discussed how I have been feeling and again the tears felt close, but didn’t emerge. Just seeing him and feeling His support and understanding of my needs made me feel stronger. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel I shouldn’t cry if I needed to, it was that suddenly I didn’t need to.

I am vulnerable right now, and I acknowledge that. But with the support of my friends and my Master I will emerge stronger and more able to deal with what life throws at me, perhaps without seeming unapproachable or in the least scary!

Blog Tour

i so love the idea of a blog tour,  a chance to show people around here and then to point them in the direction of more blogs – those that have nominated and others that i love to read.

Personally i like to think of us in the dream machine (though it actually seems to be called the mystery machine), with shaggy and scooby-doo and that blond guy, but that’s another story. Personally i am more velma than the good looking slim one, but then no doubt velma is the interesting one!

i was invited on this tour by my good friend destiny, her blog Reclaiming “destiny” is just a few weeks old, but already she has shown she has some profound things to say about her thoughts and feelings about her Master and her position as slave to Him. Secondly i was nominated by BetsyT, her blog My life as a sexually submissive woman speaks to me in a many ways.

I recommend both blogs to anyone who doesn’t already visit regularly and read their regular posts.

What is behind this Blog Tour?
It’s pretty simple. Answer the 4 questions about yourself and post the answers on your blog page and then invite a few other bloggers that you admire to join in on the fun and include links to their blogs on their page.

What am i working on at the moment?
It is only a week ago that i accepted my Master’s offer to become his slave. He is currently away so there is lots to be worked on here. Once He gets back in a week or so, i am sure that i will be given much to consider. But already i am thinking about how i give myself to Him completely and allow Him to take complete control of me.

What is more, this is a polyamorous relationship, so there is much to be worked on there. This will be ongoing for some time to come.
Why do i write what i do?
First and foremost i write for myself. To better understand myself and how i feel about situations. This is my submissive journey and a way to document my progress. I am going through some significant life changes, so again i write to allow reflection on that process. More recently i write to allow my thoughts to come to Master’s attention so that He and i can consider and discuss them in a safe place. Finally I do occasionally write so that others can find out something about me. Such as this tour.
How does the process work?
Usually i consider themes or titles during the course of the day, whether when at work, commuting or lying in bed. Then i often begin to construct sections in my head, though that often changes. Sometimes though I have something burning inside me, I sit down and just write.
Usually i write what comes to mind, then spend some time editing and publish. Then i go back and re-edit any typos etc.
Only once have i sent my post to another – this weekend, i consulted with Master about yesterday’s post but only so i could be sure i had the right balance. This is a place where what i write are my own thoughts and nothing written here can ever be a source of punishment. Occasionally I start a post and finish later, but more often than not i write quickly since as mentioned the words are already there to flow.
3 bloggers to invite along that i admire, read and identify personally with:
 
My lovely friend “pig” (as lovingly described by her Master) from Thoughts from His Slut
little from willing slut
 
Postscript – Jan 2019
This post was one of the most popular and most read last year. I am not sure what drives the traffic. But if you are here reading, then welcome.

Priorities

My 300th post, who would have imagined just over 2 years ago, I would reach this milestone.

This girl has been thinking about priorities, about who in her life deserves to come first when she has more than one thing she may need to do at a time. What takes priority, indeed who takes priority?

This girl spent a short time with her Master last evening here, morning for Him. It wasn’t easy to talk, he was preparing to leave the hotel He has been staying in and His slave was with Him. But He has given this girl the time as she had expressed that today and the days till Friday would be difficult for her. Master would like to chat around 10am His time, but that is when this girl gets in from work and usually cooks dinner.

After this girl came off line, she felt that somehow she was doing something wrong. Luckily she was able to chat things through with her friend destiny, who asked this girl about her needs and those of her Master. This girl was clear that meeting Master’s needs would be her preference and by doing that, she meets her own. This girl hasn’t seen her son since Thursday and her husband has just made his regular very early in the morning appearance. Will they suffer unduly if they are made to wait for their dinner, or heaven forbid asked to prepare it themselves? Will this girl feel good if she is unable to speak to her Master just because she didn’t put Him first? The answer of course is no. If her Master would like to speak to her when she gets home tonight then she will be ready for Him. He is her priority now.

This girl’s submissive education continues and this blog continues past the 300 mark.

Endings

It feels to me that I am not so good at ending relationships, perhaps because I have so little experience. When you marry as young as I did and have been married for as long as I have, there is a good chance that you have not had enough relationships to have become any kind of expert. After a good 18 months of deciding that hubby and I haven’t really got a future, the process goes on. Having said that, I am making progress and have a the start of a plan to get me to where I need to be. Also of course, it doesn’t help when the other person is resistant to the end happening at all.

Last year I had an ending forced upon me and I discovered just how it feels to have your whole world shaken up and as it were the rug pulled beneath you. During that time in July 2013, |I had to tell people I would rather not have, that I had been having a relationship outside of my marriage purely because of the state I was in. That relationship recommenced on a different footing, but he and i always knew that in the end we would go our separate ways, and so it proved.

I will always be grateful for that relationship. For a start it helped me realise how much more there was for me outside of the confines of my marriage. It helped me to begin to learn about my submission and to find out so much more about my own sexuality. When that end came, he was the one that brought it about, even though I had been thinking for a while that it might be best to. I just hadn’t been brave enough plus, selfishly I enjoyed the kinky sex we enjoyed at our meetings.

I am not the person I was in January. I have moved on and have met a man to whom I can fully submit, to whom I can give my whole self, a man who I trust. This man has taught me about my submission in a way I could never have believed possible. He has helped me understand that my submission is a gift, but that gift needs to be nurtured and that as a submissive woman I need to be cared for.

I have realised that the kind of submission I engaged in with S, while in the main fun, also came with it a need for caution. More than once, I slipped into subspace and it is only now looking back that I realise that I needed more aftercare than perhaps either of us knew. When a submissive is in subspace it is like you are slipping and sliding into what feels like a different world. It can feel like the rug has been pulled from beneath you and you are falling and you need to know that someone is there to catch you. What is more, that might not happen for a few days and by then you might not be together in person. If that is the case then you still need to know that person is there for you.

Since we separated for good, we have kept in touch. The extent to which has depended on his subsequent relationships. Lately we have had more contact, but I have been concerned that it is contact that I should treat with caution and perhaps pretty much cease. This week we came close to meeting – a day’s geocaching and a picnic lunch. But as the date approached, I realised that this was not the right thing to do. That I need to end things properly, once and for all. The meeting didn’t happen, it was he who cancelled, but I know I should have done that myself.

I need now to move on with my life and face the future with my Master’s support. So I am going to tell S that I must end things, as difficult as that is for me and will be for him.

Masturbation month

Just when this girl gets to engage in lots of solo sex activities she finds that May is actually masturbation month. Sadly this girl missed out on international masturbation day which was 7th May, but she has been catching up a little since. As mentioned yesterday, this girl’s Master is quite keen she  makes herself cum as and when she needs to. What is more, this girl’s levels of horniness are at record levels, partly because she hasn’t seen her Master for over 2 weeks and also because of the clitoral hood piercing.

That piercing has healed pretty well and soon this girl will be ready for a new piece of jewellery – she has been looking around on the interweb for something suitable and has a purchase on her to do list today. This girl finds that while she is not aware of the bar that is inserted in her hood, she is very aware of what it does to her. Even when she is not moving, it seems her clitoris is a little stimulated. When she moves though, then it becomes quite stimulated. If she plays with it with her finger, well it is wonderful. This girl is now wet the whole time. This girl has touched herself since she had this piercing much more than she ever used to, in part because she needs to make sure the piercing is clean and healthy looking but also because she loves to feel it. To feel the metal and the secretions it causes this girl to create. She also touches it because she knows Master finds it arousing to know that his girl does such slutty things.

Writing this now, on a Sunday morning in May, this girl is feeling pretty horny and now must get on with masturbating before she gets up and on with her day.

This girl hopes that those reading here have been allowed to cum a little more this month than usual and that some of that has been in celebration of national masturbation month.

Service

The area relating to service is day 11 of the 30 days of submission. I am devoting a whole post to this question because in this girl’s opinion this is the area that there has been the greatest shift in understanding about the role of the submissive / slave. The question is:

Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission? How do you define service? What does it mean to you? If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you? 

This is what this girl wrote last time:

Our relationship is not about me providing any kind of service for Him other than that i am there to serve His cock. Our time together is precious; there isn’t nearly enough of it. So most of that time is spent doing the things that have previously been described in this series of posts – those things have a high level of sexual content and / or involve me submitting myself to being humiliated.  So i guess that f there is service it is sexual. 

I would happily submit to elements of serving my Sir, but he has said many times that He doesn’t want me to prepare him food or drink, clear up after him or to provide any kind of grooming task. Luna KM has a great article on the meaning behind service here, and it is clear from reading it that this is not me and it is not what He wants. 

This girl has learned over the last few months that while providing sexual service is very very important, service for a person who is in a submissive relationship is not necessarily just about that. Instead service for the submissive is about so much more, and this girl is just beginning to get that message.

Master is interested in every aspect of this girl’s life. What is more, He is interested in knowing and helping her understand that everything this girl does within her life should relate directly back to her submission. Further more that any task this girl undertakes in any context is undertaken for his pleasure. In short this girl provides service to her Master in every aspect of her life.

Ok, so this has been a transitional week for this girl. She started as submissive and ended as slave.  But this girl is not sure that matters since she already understood the concept. But it was not something she understood at all in 2012.

In 2014 this girl expects to give sexual service, that pretty much goes without saying.

But on top of that she will serve her Master in whatever way He wishes. She embraces that everything she does is a reflection on Him and that when she undertakes a home or work based task she does that task with Him in mind. Master believes that taking this approach helps this girl focus and by focusing being more effective and achieving much more. When it is evident that she has carried out His wishes in this way, He is pleased with her and tells her so.

That makes this girl very happy indeed. 

Thoughts for a Saturday morning

At last this girl got to chat with her Master again last night. As she did so, she marvelled at the delights of Skype. Indeed this girl spent a lot of time on Skype last night since afterwards she also chatted to her friend destiny, but more of that later.

For a while, this girl chatted to Master fully clothed, even though He wasn’t – but then he hadn’t actually got dressed yet. This girl told Him about her day and other events. Eventually this girl asked Him about their conversation on Tuesday. The conversation when they discussed this girl’s status as His submissive and when He asked her if she was ready to be His slave.

This girl was instructed to show Him her mark, which of course she did. He seemed pleased with it, even though it seemed to have worn off a bit during the day, despite the apparent permanent ink. At this point she also took off her top, she hadn’t actually been wearing much anyway. Master quizzed this girl about the things she had been doing and the extent to which she felt that they were carried out for Him – this is something this girl wrote about yesterday on her journey page – she told him how much that was the case and described some examples. They also discussed a blog post this girl is going to write later, one which is difficult for this girl to do and which became one of her tasks for today. This girl imagines that He loves a slave who works out her own tasks! The second one will be more physical and was set by Him. It is to do with the final clear out of the spare room, one which can mean that this girl removes hubby from the marital bed once and for all.

Master knows that while this job was started last week, this girl might continue to procrastinate for a while if He did not suggest that she get on with it. What is more, pretty much telling her to get on with it this weekend is important. If this girl wants to be His slave then she knows that she needs to do it. She also knows this is part of His way of moving her along towards the marriage end, and this is something this girl really needs to happen now.

Finally this girl and Master got onto the topic of orgasms. She is now allowed to have as many orgasms as she needs until He returns from his trip, but is expected to tell him about them after (this girl has further clarified that details are required which will be fun). This girl wondered if she should restrict the orgasms going forward, but the look on His face told her that this was not what He wanted. This girl knows that actually Master believes it is good for His girl to orgasm as she needs to and this girl feels that she might have an increased need after all. It is just she needs to be mindful of the piercings so as not to become too sore.

This girl then spent a wonderful couple of hours with her friend destiny. We two girls are starting to get to know each other well and at present are both separated from our Masters. This girl is finding having someone like destiny around is becoming important to her, especially as they can offer each other a slightly different perspective and understanding on their submission to each other. While we are very different people in terms of our personalities, we are trying to get to the same point. This girl is learning to be less overpowering to people (though she didn’t ever necessarily feel the confidence she seems to show), while destiny is learning to have greater confidence to take more control over certain aspects of her life. This girl thinks that the friendship they are beginning to share will only grow as time goes on.

Now this girl had better get out of bed and on with the tasks she must do today. After all she wants to know what her Master is pleased with her and that she is a good girl. His good girl.

30 Days of submission – The return part 2

The second part of my revisit of the 30 days of submission, which I first looked at in 2012/13

6) What do you feel are the roots of your submission? Do you think it has something to do with childhood? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?

This girl had no idea that not everyone has the desire to provide service to people – to do things for them, to make sure they are comfortable and have what they need. To nurture and care. She did this at home for her brothers, particularly the younger of the two and in turn they let her do as much as possible for them. This girl’s mother was only too pleased to encourage her daughter to do as many chores as she wanted, especially in the school holidays. At times ok, she was bossy, but who wouldn’t be with two younger brothers? Later she sought to care for her husband, she willingly took on all of the housework and loved to cook and clean for them both. Gradually though, with a small child and a full time job, it all became too much. He and others around her took her for granted. Now, her family just assume that if they call she will be there. There is a assumption that this girl will run around after everyone, to an extent this goodwill has been abused.

Now though this girl would like to think about serving another in a different way. She wants to care for herself and perhaps for Sir (not necessarily in the way described above, though nothing is beyond what she would do), but through her submission. She wants to feel that he approves of the things she does for herself and others and that also she knows when to say no. She loves the feeling that Sir appreciates it when the girl cooks for Sir, for example. But knows that he is pleased when she does the things at home and work she needs to do. While this isn’t taken for granted or expected, he sees this as a way she can serve him. She has also learned that she wishes to submit sexually to him, she wishes to feel his control and she wishes to know he is pleased with her. She loves to hear him tell she is a ‘good girl’ and that she is ‘pleasing’. 

7) Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? How do you feel about it

This girl is learning to do things in the way Sir wants them to be done and to do things that she knows will please him. So far there has been little in the way of overt discipline or punishment. Sir and this girl have discussed punishment and he is of the view that it is difficult to punish this girl easily given that some of the punishments that could be administered might be enjoyed. He feels ignoring girl and not giving her attention could be an answer, but so far this has not happened. 

8) Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?

This girl had little experience of spanking before she came into this relationship. S though really introduced it, using his hand, the riding crop and even once or twice a belt. S though is no sadist and preferred other approaches. 

This girl is in the very early stages of her training when it comes to spanking. Sir has used a number of implements on her and she has received a spanking from His hand. This girl has much more to learn and Sir has much more to give to His girl when it comes to spanking. This girl looks forward to such education.

9) Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them? 

So far there are few rules. But this girl is expecting the structure and rules to increase very soon. Sir, or Master as He is becoming, knows that this girl needs much more structure in her life so that she can focus more effectively on what she needs to do and Who she does it for. This girl craves this change in her life and will embrace whatever her Master wants to introduce in this context. This girl is ready.

As for limits. This girl and her Master pretty much know what her limits are currently and He is busy pushing them.

10) Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships? How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?

When Sir plays with this girl there is much more to what they do than submission and Dominance. This girl loves to be restrained, she particularly likes the spreader bar. She also likes to be gagged and blindfolded. Restraint relaxes this girl and helps her find her submission more quickly. This girl is also beginning to love the effect of the violet wand. She is finding her inner pain slut something she never really knew was there. 

In fact there is very little, if anything that this girl can say she hasn’t enjoyed so far (though at the time she would never, never admit such a thing. Especially when it comes to that nasty zipper!