I do feel that I am making progress in my life in general. Family and friends are gradually learning about the changes I am making with regards to my marriage. I have sought some relationship counselling, and have been to a first session, though am waiting to hear about a longer course. I have seen a solicitor for some legal advice. Hubby knows it is over between us – he might say otherwise, but his body language tells me he does. Plus there is the relationship with Sir, which goes from strength to strength.
Still though I am plagued with doubts – Can I go through with this whole thing? Can I manage the process of splitting everything, selling the house etc? My dad is very unwell and we are likely to lose him this year, my mum will need lots of support; can I support them enough in their time of need? How will all of this affect me, affect my relationships with others?
I am embracing my submission with Sir. I love the feeling it gives me and I know that he loves it too; the sense of power, of dominance is good for him.
But it is in other aspects of my life where I still find myself being submissive to the wrong people in the wrong ways.
Hubby returned from about a week away yesterday. He took up his usual residence on the sofa watching football and then other mindless programmes. I ran around after him in the usual way I do. But these days I hate myself for it. Hate that I suspend my usual life for him. We had things to catch up on, and did discuss them, but in truth we skirt around the real issues and otherwise have nothing much to say to each other.
Then there is my brother, who last night stung me for a ‘loan’ I will never see returned. On Monday he apparently left his girlfriend and moved in with my parents. I saw him when I went to see them. We discussed him doing some work here for me (painting and gardening), since he is between jobs and has no money. By last night the payment for work had turned into a larger ‘loan’ which he will pay back when earning again. Like a fool, I transferred the money to his account and not 10 minutes later my dad texted me to say my brother had gone home! I felt completely used and still do. Ok, so tomorrow I will get my dining room, which has been ready for painting for 4 months, decorated. But still my brother, who I love has used us all.
This morning, I ironed a shirt for my son. Apparently a black shirt doesn’t go with black jeans. I gave him some grey jeans. A stronger response, but what, you may well ask am I doing ironing the clothes of a 23 year old who can iron his own?
Maybe I am being hard on myself. I know I am a good hearted person who wants to help others, who sees their problems as larger than my own. But I know that to find real fulfilment in my life, this kind of thing has to stop. It is just working out how, without being a burden on Sir.
I need a strength that sometimes I don’t think I have. How on earth to I find it and still be the submissive I want to be, and know I can be?